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Asexual but not aromantic


not a robot

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I just joined this site, and I've never really used a forum before, but I feel like I need to talk to other people who might be sharing my experience cause I've been feeling pretty alone lately!

 

I've pretty much always known I was asexual. Like a few other stories I've seen on here I went through the phase where I thought I was just a late bloomer. But then in high school I read a sign that our QSA club put up that had the definition of asexuality, and it really clicked. That's been pretty easy for me to understand, although I haven't talked to my family about it yet. 

 

My sexuality gets a bit more complicated when it comes to romantic attraction. For a while I thought I would never like anyone, and that was fine. Then romantic attraction hit me like a truck. I have always been a very emotional person, but it seemed like this was ridiculous. I realized I had a crush on this guy I was friends with, because after a weekend of spending a lot of time together, when I didn't see him for almost a day, I felt physical pain and ungrounded sadness. Then I saw him and I felt happy again. This was a few years ago, and nothing really happened with this friendship, but it made me realize that I still wanted to be able to date people even though I'm ace. 

 

More recently I was talking to some (straight) friends about how I wish I could do casual dating, but it feels like I'm leading people on if I don't immediately have a conversation along the lines of "by the way, I'm not sexually attracted to you," on a first date. They wanted to help me out and started looking up ace dating sites. But the issue is, when I do have crushes on people (which is rare tbh), those people are not usually asexual. So even though my friends were trying to be supportive and helpful, it just made me feel like there was something wrong with me, and like I have no chance at being with someone I really like. Also, the thing is, while I'm not sexually attracted to people, I'm not repulsed by the idea of sex. So maybe I'm demi-sexual? I have no idea. Anyone else experienced anything like this or have any advice?

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Welcome! Well you don’t get to choose your crushes but using an asexual dating website could help you find someone you have a crush on and can have a non-sexual relationship with. As for the demisexuality thing, Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and has nothing to do with whether or not the act of sex repulses you. Asexuals can have a range of feelings towards sex, from sex repulsed, to sex neutral, to sex positive. 

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2 hours ago, not a robot said:

More recently I was talking to some (straight) friends about how I wish I could do casual dating, but it feels like I'm leading people on if I don't immediately have a conversation along the lines of "by the way, I'm not sexually attracted to you," on a first date. They wanted to help me out and started looking up ace dating sites. But the issue is, when I do have crushes on people (which is rare tbh), those people are not usually asexual. So even though my friends were trying to be supportive and helpful, it just made me feel like there was something wrong with me, and like I have no chance at being with someone I really like. Also, the thing is, while I'm not sexually attracted to people, I'm not repulsed by the idea of sex. So maybe I'm demi-sexual? I have no idea. Anyone else experienced anything like this or have any advice?

I think you approach it like anything: you be upfront when it comes up, and explain that sex isn't something you're experienced with and isn't the main thing you're after in a relationship. That's all you can do. 

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Hi there and welcome to Aven! 

 

I can relate to what you're experiencing as I also identify as asexual without being aromantic. I know I can feel romantically and sometimes even sensually attracted to people, without ever wanting to have a sexual relationship with them. Which also leads to confusion for me and the people I hang around with, because most of the time they are not asexual... For example, the people I am currently working with don't know I'm asexual and I don't want to explain that to them as I don't trust them to be understanding (not all of them at least). On the other hand, some guys here are flirting with me and it doesn't bother me, but I also know that even though there is one guy I would like to get closer with, I will not allow it because I know he's sexual and I'm not certain he would understand my asexuality... I've been facing this internal conflict since I accepted my asexuality, and I don't know when it will become easier. I guess I still have to work on completely accepting that I don't want sexual relationships!

 

I don't know if I can give any advice on that matter, I guess I need advice too, but at least know that you are not alone in this boat :) 

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Hello, welcome to AVEN!!
As Lichley has already said, you don't have to be sex-repulsed to be an Asexual.
It all comes down to if you actually search with that desire or not.
Do you think you could happily live your life without sex ever? Then you may be Asexual.
Hope that bit of information helps. If you have any questions, you can ask us.

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Custard Cream

Hi and welcome!

 

I've only realised I'm Ace at the age of 50, having been married for 20 years,  precisely because I'm a romantic asexual and not sex repulsed.  You're not alone...

 

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

I haven't experienced similar because in my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

But Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning an Asexual can be okay with the idea of having sex, but if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction or Romantic Attraction.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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