Does this mean no sex EVER?

[Pengu182]

I’m in a same sex relationship with my girlfriend and she recently cane out to me as asexual. Does this mean we won’t EVER have sex? Should I stop trying to have sex and just wait until she is ready? Should I still kiss her and be affectionate without sex? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable at all and I want to be with her no matter what I just don’t know where I stand. She’s unsure as of yet also. I have a high sex drive and also need advice on how to help? Should I just masturbate? Will I learn to get over it and get used to not having sex? 

[ryn2]

That’s something you’ll have to discuss with her, at length.  Some asexuals will not have sex, period, full stop; others will have sex at least sometimes (and the frequency of “sometimes” varies by person and can also vary over the duration of a single relationship) if their partners want to.  Also, some asexuals may be fine with certain activities and not others.

[Koehl]

I’m no expert, and I don’t have any advice on alternate ways to satisfy sex drive, but the answers to a lot of your questions really depend on the person, and so your girlfriend is the only one that could answer them. An asexual person may like or dislike kissing, they may be indifferent towards or okay with sex, or they might really not enjoy it at all. As long as you aren’t trying to pressure her into anything, which it sounds like you aren’t, then there’s nothing wrong with asking her what her feelings are towards things like kissing and sex. I think it’s great that you are clearly so supportive of her, and asking her questions is a great way to continue to be supportive! Wanting to understand her feelings towards those things does not undermine you supporting her choices

[Pengu182]

Thank you all for your replies! This helps a lot! I guess I’ll give it some time until she understands it better herself and then try talk about it again 😁

[Lucinda]

If she is unsure, then we can't be sure of someone we don't even know.  It depends on what being asexual means to her and how it translates into what she envisions as an ideal relationship for her.  A starting point would be to determine what she was trying to convey in coming out to you.  When this is sorted, you can decide if you want to redefine the dynamic for what it really is and mutually support each other in finding more compatible partners.

 

Best,

Lucinda

[Tasha the demi squirrel]

I'd say try to remain affectionate to show your partner you care but when it comes to how exactly to show affection or if your partner will be comfortable occasionally having sex none of us will be able to say

 

as @ryn2 said discuss things with your partner only she can say what she is comfortable with and only honest open communication will help you both understand how each other is feeling 

[Pengu182]

I think it was just a bit of a shock to the system as we went from having frequent sex to none and this being the reason. I’m happy she’s understanding herself and that she told me and I don’t want to cross any boundaries as I never would leave her over something like this. I guess I just need to wait until she knows what boundaries we need to have. I’ve told her to tell me if I ever cross any or make her feel uncomfortable so fingers crossed we can work through it! I never thought sex would mean so much to a relationship until now..which I’m hoping nothing changes between us 😬

[Paula @ BH]

Dear Pengu182,

 

There's some real commitment there, as I can read clearly. 🙂

 

1.  I start my thinking outside what you said, because I  have found that problems aren't solved best on the level at which they're expressing - here I read that it's:  have sex' vs. 'don't have sex', if it's taken on that level, and of course it's serious matter to a sexual person, and it may be ditto, in the opposite direction, for an asexual person - it can be like being coerced or forced - and you won't do that, now you've been told, which is just one of the reasons why I say that I see commitment.  🙂 🙂

 

The first thing that strikes me is, the posts do seem to talk about 'having sex', not about 'making love'.  'Making love' is some levels above 'having sex', in the hierarchy of human needs.   And wanting to interact very closely with someone in particular can be about satisfying any one or mixture of our human needs - see Abraham Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Human Needs' -

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

 

- and if a person's physiological need for sexual release isn't one of them, or it's absent entirely, or it's satisfied autorerotically, then that leaves a person freer to look to meet higher-order needs in interacting.  One woman does need to negotiate with the other, and vice versa, because she might easily have a different mix and balance of needs in mind when interacting with her - but I suppose that's just respecting the other person as well as oneself, and having the courage to talk openly - always going to be easier if you know well, trust and feel love for, each other first. 

 

I've had to do that in the entire course of my adult life - see my full personal profile on AVEN.  I have no physiological need whatsoever, and I do not react physiologically to 'sexy' things (What are those, Paula?  I dunno!) - but I do have the higher-order needs aplenty, and they have been satisifed deeply though caring for 'a special person' in 1:1 relationships, and receiving the same, and those needs can be satisfied also by caring for strangers who are in distress and who need to be loved just for being a fellow-human plus being at the same time in difficulty.

 

And, finally, Abraham Maslow, in his later work , realised that one can only satisfy fully the topmost need -the need for 'self-actualisation' - by 'self-transcendence - see at:

 

https://academic.udayton.edu/jackbauer/Readings 595/Koltko-Rivera 06 trans self-act copy.pdf

 

- which means , through trying altruistically,and for its own sake and reward, to meet another person's need, or other persons' needs.  That discovery never was pasted into the famous rainbow pyramid -  too late, too popular, published too widely by then - but that doesn't stop it from being considered by anyone now.  It's what Viktor Frankl says, too, in the second part of his book, 'Man's Search for Meaning' - to find real meannig, you can look to serve another, or a cause which will serve others, or take pride in handling your unvaoidable suffering, or any two or all three.  But meaning comes from looking outside one's own concerns.

 

So, theres no question of 'sacrifice', or 'having sex/not having sex', if the relationship works at an higher level, and has a strong degree of self-transcendence.  When I've seen 'het' couples face an end to their sexual interactions- treatment for prostate cancer or for benign enlargement of the prostate, or self-disgust and fear of accidents from Ulceratibve Colitis or Crohn's Disease, or failure of one's belief in one femaleness after complete hysterectomy whth oophrectomy, etc), that's when you find out whether they've been 'having sex' all those decades, or whether they were 'making love'.    Was it 'in sickness or in health' that they meant, or only 'in health', when they made their vows?

 

Heres an astounding example of a heterosexual man becoming very disabled, and then getting well beyond 'piv-phallocentric' ideas about 'having sex':

 

https://www.bbc.com/news/disability-39351352

https://www.bbc.com/news/video_and_audio/features/disability-39353731/39353731  (needs a UK URL - maybe use a VPN?)

 

- and afterwards getting married to a woman who, it seems clear from the video, loves him loads.

 

2.  That leaves open the question of you wanting to understand your partner better, she who does not indeed seem to like sexual activities but - and I assume this - is as committed as you to staying together. 

 

Here are some possibilities which you and she might think about:

 

(a) For every human need, there's usually a Gaussian distribution across the population, and for every character trait, there's usually a Gaussian  distriibution -

 

https://introcs.cs.princeton.edu/java/11gaussian/

 

and asexual people - at, say about, 1% of the population - are down at the lowest end of, & below, the 3rd Standard Deviation from the mean on their perceived need for sexual satisfaction though interacting with others. 

 

That makes us seem very different to most people - but being at the low end of a population distribution isn't at all the same as not being part of the full natural range - we are exactly as natural as anyone in the rest of the range, and neither party has anything for which to apologise. nor to be ashamed.  However, if that's what she's like, that's what she's like, and ditto you, so whatver will happen between you, even if it looks like 'having sex', is going to have to be 'making love' and be coming from the top layers of the rainbow pyramid, 100% voluntarily every time, as far as she's concerned.  By the way, an excellent concert-pianist plays the grand piano all the better for the piano not trying to play her at the same time - and she loves pianos to bits..

(b) some people have a strong, running, level of the emotion called 'Disgust', and it makes them very 'off' indeed about whatever is associated with that, or which triggers it.  It can arise from childhood experiences, and from being taught that something is disgusting or some action or activity is disgusting.  People can also have a high level of 'Self-disgust', often related to their body and to sexual activity, but also possibly to their sense of worth and of entitlement.  The 'Disgust' questionnaires can be found on-line and filled in anonymously.   If you and she wanted to run the 'Self-disgust' quetstionnaire, it isn't on-line, but I do have a .pdf copy with the questions on the front and the scoring schedule on the back, and you can ask me for it by PM if you like.

 

(c) some people have had such adverse expereinces of abuse - and it needn't just or only be sexual - that being naked, being touched even non-sexually and even on parts of the body which aren't sexual but which are usually private, is very frightening.  It may result in aversion, even when the peson triggering it is not of the same sex as the childhood abuser, and even if the person loves her.  There, one of the pieces of advice given by another AVEN member can be very helpful - no pressure, and no rush - and I'd add, be naked together quite naturally - for washing her or your hair whilst sitting in the bath, bathing or showering together, sleeping together (the 'going to sleep' version of sleeping together).   If you and she want literature on how to deal with childhood abuse -supposing it might be that - PM me and I'll send you references, and  PM me with an e-mail address and I can send you materials to work with, and be on hand to discuss how it goes. 

 

Only when there's a very strong love and a very deep trust can such a woman ever learn by experience that the phobic reaction bubbling up under the surface isn't appropriate, that it isn't needed.  It may lead to her never being able to receive, but to being able to give - see this 4* review on Amazon UK:

 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Invisible-Orientation-Introduction-Asexuality-Generation/product-reviews/1634502434/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_hist_4?ie=UTF8&filterByStar=four_star&reviewerType=all_reviews#reviews-filter-bar

 

 

So, enough already from an old bat! 

 

I do hope that you and she can find enough to share and to give and to receive at all of the layers in the rainbow pyramid between them - and through self-trancendance as well - so that what you will have is a deep, loving 1:1 relationship based upon a true friendhsip - you can toast your bread on one of those, rare enough though they are.  And everytihng is then is 'making love', and there's courtship through expressed courtesy, every day.  And things which are often seen in one rather unedifying light, may be transformed, re-framed in mind and in heart, in that context. 

 

Be loved, be different. be reassured. be an individual, be yourself. 

 

You're just as OK as anyone, no more, but no less, and so is she.

 

With my best wishes,

 

 

Paula

[Kara11]

19 hours ago, Pengu182 said:

I’m in a same sex relationship with my girlfriend and she recently cane out to me as asexual. Does this mean we won’t EVER have sex? Should I stop trying to have sex and just wait until she is ready? Should I still kiss her and be affectionate without sex? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable at all and I want to be with her no matter what I just don’t know where I stand. She’s unsure as of yet also. I have a high sex drive and also need advice on how to help? Should I just masturbate? Will I learn to get over it and get used to not having sex? 

Everyone is different but if you have a healthy sex drive, as I do. There will come a time when masturbation doesn’t cut it and you’ll crave reciprocal sex. I’ve been with my asexual husband for 26 years and was faithful for 20. 

[Kara11]

27 minutes ago, Kara11 said:

Everyone is different but if you have a healthy sex drive, as I do. There will come a time when masturbation doesn’t cut it and you’ll crave reciprocal sex. I’ve been with my asexual husband for 26 years and was faithful for 20. 

We all know that there’s more to a relationship than sex and there’s more to intimacy than sex, but from one sexual to another you and I both know that there’s no substitute for sex.

[Pengu182]

21 hours ago, Kara11 said:

Everyone is different but if you have a healthy sex drive, as I do. There will come a time when masturbation doesn’t cut it and you’ll crave reciprocal sex. I’ve been with my asexual husband for 26 years and was faithful for 20. 

So does he allow you to seek sex from elsewhere? 

[Kara11]

On 2/15/2019 at 5:00 PM, Pengu182 said:

So does he allow you to seek sex from elsewhere? 

Yes he does. This has been necessary for our relationship to survive. I was faithful for 20 years but it was making me miserable and it just reached a point where I couldn’t live a celebate existence any longer. So I gave him the option of allowing me to seek intimacy outside our relationship or divorce. 

I didn’t want to divorce him because apart from the sex we have a good relationship. 

The great thing about being in a relationship with an asexual is that they see beyond your physical appearance and love you for who you are, sexuals do as well but I think for us sex and sexual attraction is always part of the equation obviously. Sometimes it’s physical attraction first and then emotional attraction comes and sometimes it’s emotional attraction then physical attraction comes. 

Its sometimes hard to explain how a sexual feels and behaves without making us sound shallow, I know the vast majority of us are not, but it wasn’t easy for me to step outside my marriage because it’s not who I am and I took my marriage vows seriously when I agreed for better or worse and forsaking all others. After 20 years though, it was affecting my mental health and in turn  took a physical toll.

if you haven’t yet reached 40, wait for it!!! I hit 40 and seemed to have a surge of hormones that sent my libido through the roof!!! That was when I asked my husband to allow me to take a lover. 

I don’t know what your personal situation is, I hope there is a compromise that works for you both but if your relationship is fairly new and you’re in it for the long haul I wish you the best but be prepared for some frustrating times ahead. 

[anamikanon]

On 2/13/2019 at 7:36 PM, Pengu182 said:

I never thought sex would mean so much to a relationship until now..

Welcome to being the partner of an ace. You've got good advice. Main thing is to talk, talk, talk. This is the tip of the iceberg. Will take a while before you find the extent of it and whether and how you can still reach around to each other.

 

A good starting point may be to identify what it is that she is sure she doesn't want and what she doesn't mind as much.