Snubbed Cuboctahedron Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I spy a confused teen~ I've had "crushes" in the past, but they never lasted very long and consisted of only really wanting to do close friend things like cuddle and touch one another's hair without a romantic atmosphere. (Honestly, I think I just really want a best friend. Not important to my post though, so moving on. . .) I've also never desired sexual contact with anyone, and I suppose that this could just be a late bloomer thing but I'm not sold; the idea of sex with another repulses me. However, I do masturbate and (gosh this is the most painful thing to write) I enjoy doing so and do so often. So, what am i? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
asexual dragon Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 asexuals can still masturbate/ have crushes, but it sounds like you don't want any sexual contact, which would make you ace. This sounds really hard for you. I'm sorry, and I hope this helps. p.s. I'm also a confused teen. Have some cake! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Oat Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Aces can masturbate, enjoy sex, be repulsed by sex, and sometimes feel some sexual attraction (rarely). Asexuality, I believe, is mostly just centered around attraction. Also, please have some cake: 🎂 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Denoscar Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) As others have already said, you can do those things and still be ace. That's perfectly fine. I also see you like Homestuck. Same here, haha. But anyways, you're definitely not alone. You have our support and you can ask us any question you'd like. As we normally do for new people here, we share cake, so here's a Homestuck cake: Edited February 13, 2019 by Denoscar Didn't realize this wasn't the Welcome place, LOL. Oh well, still take this cake :) 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MacAran Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Less confused somewhat older than teenage here. Being asexual is about sexual attraction, or a lack there of. We can go round for days about what exactly constitutes sexual attraction, but the functional meaning I use in my own life is that sexual attraction to a person means actively desiring to having sex with that person for the sake of having sex. I've on occasion actively wanted to do sexual things with a romantic partner. But I wanted that for the closeness it brought between us, or the pleasure it brought my partner, not because I wanted sex. And it's not like it was completely un-pleasurable for me, endorphins are a helluva drug, but at the end of the day, that endorphin release was no different than I could achieve on my own. Tldt; my point is your ace identity is perfectly valid, and none of the things you've said are any form of disqualifier. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Paula @ BH Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Dear Snubbed Cuboctahedron, You might like to see the first substantive part of the AV presentation here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLGvdyGCSNE - which shows that those asexual females who do have a physiological capability can be aroused physiologically by the same things as might arouse a sexual woman, but yet not perceive it simultaneously as erotic or as 'fancying doing something about it': There' a research paper here into into asexual women's fantasies whilse satisfying that physiolological need autoerotically: https://www.thefreelibrary.com/Sexual+fantasy+and+masturbation+among+asexual+individuals.-a0387347024 - and there's some overlap, it reports inter alia for those asexual women who do both, with the fantasies that sexual women have whilst doing that. My take on that information is that it proves what many AVEN members know personally - that it's quite non-invalidating to feel sexual arousal, and it's quite non-invalidating to do something about it oneself - and, quite non-invalidating to find yourself responding physiologically to something that a sexual woman might respond to (but she'd be doing so both physiologically and consciously-erotically), and for neither to wish at the time to do anything about it with whatever triggered it. So, don't be surprised to be an individual - for every human need, there's usually a Gaussian distribution across the population, and for every character trait, there's usually a Gaussian distriibution - https://introcs.cs.princeton.edu/java/11gaussian/ and asexual people - at, say about, 1% of the population - are down at the lowest end of, & below, the 3rd Standard Deviation from the mean on their perceived need for sexual satisfaction though interacting with others. That makes us seem very different to most people - but being at the low end of a population distribution isn't at all the same as not being part of the full natural range. And wanting to interact very closely with someone in particular can be about satisfying any one or mixture of our human needs - see Abraham Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Human Needs' - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs - and if your physiological need for sexual release isn't one of them, and it's satified autorerotically, then that leaves a person free to look to meet higher-order needs in interacting. You'd need to negotiate with the other person, because they might have a different mix and balance of needs in mind when interacting with you. I've had to do that in the course of my adult life - but I suppose that's just respecting the other person as well as oneself, and having the courage to talk openly - always going to be easier if you know, and feel love for, each other first. And, finally, Abraham Maslow, in his later work , realised that one can only satisfy fully the topmost need, the need for 'self-actualisation' - by 'self-transcendence - see at: https://academic.udayton.edu/jackbauer/Readings 595/Koltko-Rivera 06 trans self-act copy.pdf - which means , through trying altruistically to meet another person's need, or other persons' needs. That discovery never was pasted into the famous rainbow pyramid - too late, too popular, published too widely by then - but that doesn't stop it from being considered by anyone now. Finally, you might like to look at my full AVEN profile - I have no physiological need whatsoever, and I do not react physiologically to 'sexy' things (What are those, Paula? I dunno!) - but I do have the higher-order needs aplenty, and they have been satisifed deeply though caring for 'a special person' in 1:1 relationhips, and they can be satified also by caring for strangers who are in distress and who need to be loved just for being a fellow-human plus being at the same time in difficulty. Be loved, be different. be reassured. be an individual, be yourself. You're just as OK as anyone, no more, but no less. With my best wishes, Paula 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Don't worry about "validity". You are what you are. If that happens to match some commonly used term like "asexual", "lesbian", etc, that is nice for convenience but it doesn't change anything. Terms describing someones sexuality are *descriptions*, not *proscriptions*. They are convenient if they happen to match a person, but no more than that. 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 3 hours ago, uhtred said: Don't worry about "validity". You are what you are. If that happens to match some commonly used term like "asexual", "lesbian", etc, that is nice for convenience but it doesn't change anything. Terms describing someones sexuality are *descriptions*, not *proscriptions*. They are convenient if they happen to match a person, but no more than that. That. Screw "labels". Go with the flow, do what you feel like doing. If your feelings about sex change at some point, cool. If they don't, cool 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AmorphousBlob Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 If you don't desire anything like kissing or dating, then that seems more like a squish than a crush. A squish is kinda like a 'friend crush'. Like, instead of "I wanna date and kiss you," it's "I wanna be your friend and maybe cuddle n stuff." I haven't ever had a crush, but I get lots of squishes. Also, if you don't feel romantic attraction (like, you're notinterested in dating anyone, basically) then you're aromantic. Asexual and aromantic don't always go hand in hand. You can be one but not the other. Asexual means you don't feel sexual attraction, it doesn't say anything about libido. I can't explain the difference that well, but it could be something to look into. I hope this helps! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snubbed Cuboctahedron Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 (edited) Asexual dragon, Oat, and Denoscar thanks so much for the cakes :>>> (Deno did u make that urself it's *gorgeous*) Macaran n Amorphous blob thank you so frigging much for sharing your personal experiences, they really helped hjvcxycjvkbl And finally, Utred, Homer, and Paula: your clarifications and resources were really helpful! I'll definitely research this more, and for the time being : D Edited February 16, 2019 by Snubbed Cuboctahedron 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Denoscar Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 No, I didn't, sorry, haha. I just try to find images online that match in some way according to the user. Anyways, I'm open to chat with if you want. I don't mind. I'm glad to see you received so much support. That makes me happy. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snubbed Cuboctahedron Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Well then kudos to the nerd who made that lmao (I'd love to chat with you sometime) Yeah, everyone here was super helpful and I'm really happy that others can have to potential to have access to resources like this. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 A simple way to define asexuality is "not wanting sex with any other person." It doesn't have to have anything to do with sexual attraction -- just the lack of desire for sex. If you are a young teen, do yourself a favor and don't define yourself now. Just feel what you feel (or what you don't feel) and don't fill out a "form" until you're a little older. Sometimes by the end of puberty, things can change. If they don't, then they don't. BTW, on AVEN we're not supposed to tell anyone else that they are or are not asexual (or any orientation), because we're not you, and we certainly can't diagnose anyone who is just posting on the internet. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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