Help, please?

[Alagaisia]

I don't know if any of this means anything, and I don't think I'm posting this here to get... affirmation, specifically? I've just had this list on my computer that I wrote a while ago and haven't done anything with, because every so often I think about how I don't really know what gender is or how it's supposed to feel, and I don't know if that means anything. So I'd really just love any thoughts that anyone has about any of this. It could all just mean nothing, that I'm cis and I just overthink things because I'm interested in sociology and shit. But I don't know. And I don't know anyone who I feel like it would be comfortable or helpful to talk to about this stuff, and I'm just recently getting back into AVEN, so... Anyway. Any thoughts that anyone has about any of this would be super appreciated.

 

I am comfortable with femininity. More than comfortable. I enjoy femininity. I enjoy makeup and skirts and dresses and high heels. I tried on a corset once, at a renaissance festival, and I liked that too. I like masculine clothing, too, but in a feminine way- like when female celebrities wear suits on the red carpet. Feminine masculine clothing. 

 

I am comfortable with female pronouns. I’m not at all uncomfortable with female pronouns, and I think that I would be uncomfortable with male pronouns. I think I would be comfortable with they/them pronouns, but I don’t think that I necessarily would *prefer* them to she/her pronouns, aside from the ‘ooh, shiny’ effect of something new and different.  (I also don't know how much of that comes from like my acceptance of the idea that we should use they/them to avoid assuming someone's gender).

 

 I don’t feel dysphoric about my body, other than in a way that relates to asexuality or the size of my breasts, and I don’t feel misgendered when people see me as a woman. I feel comfortable in female spaces, and largely uncomfortable in male spaces.

 

My expression of my gender matches everyone else’s perception of it.

 

I don’t know what it means to ‘feel like’ a girl. I am a girl. (right?) but what does that mean? Where does that come from? Is ‘feeling like a girl’ the empowerment that I felt watching Wonder Woman? Is it the solidarity I feel with other women? Or are those just things that come with the shared experiences of living as a woman in this society?

 

I just remembered that when I was younger, maybe late elementary school and middle school, I would occasionally stand shirtless in front of a mirror and imagine that I looked like a shirtless boy with long hair, like Tarzan or something. (I don’t think I used that specific example. I’ve never seen the movie Tarzan). I think it was almost part of a vague Thief Lord fantasy, tilting my head and squinting my mind to see myself as the long-haired (male) leader of a rag-tag band of street children.

 

I wonder if that would’ve meant something, if I had grown up with more exposure to gender diversity; or if my chest hadn’t developed to the point where this activity was no longer possible, and I’d taken it with me as I got older.

 

(Do I see having breast reduction surgery in part as being a form of gender expression, and not only as a way to alleviate physical inconvenience?)

 

 Gender is a spectrum; maybe, for all practical purposes, I am cis, but I don’t fall all the way at the end of that spectrum.

 

None of this matters for practical purposes; as I said, I’m comfortable with the way I express myself and the way that I am perceived. 

 

Maybe I’m overthinking this? Maybe I’m subconsciously trying to insert myself into spaces and identities where I don’t belong? *insert birb's “I is uncomfortable when is not about me” tweet here*

 

Again- does this line of thought matter if coming to a conclusion is unlikely to change anything? I don't know.

[Grimalkin]

I wanted to be a boy when I was little too. Now I'm comfortable in my femininity. Quintessential tomboy.

 

I think feeling as though you could be the opposite gender, or that you wouldn't mind, or that you might even enjoy it, is more common than people think. A whole lot of gender is pure social construct; when a lot about femininity or masculinity comes down to whether you like makeup or sports, well, it's no wonder that some people feel out of place.

 

I think you're probably just a normal, balanced person. Sometimes you'll feel more "feminine," sometimes you'll feel more "masculine," sometimes you'll feel like both or neither. You just work with what you're given and it's all okay.

[Oat]

As someone who self-identifies as genderfluid I can tell you that when I change genders it often feels like going into a different headspace. My thoughts are more skewed in an opposing gender, if that makes sense. I feel an automatic reaction to certain mannerisms and it's just an overall different perspective on your body and the things that surround you. 

 

I'm not completely committed to the 'genderfluid' label since I don't trust myself to make that big of a decision at 16 😅. This is just how I came to the conclusion of not being cisgendered.

 

I've been identifying as genderfluid for a year now and when I try to think of myself as cisgender it just doesn't make sense to me. Then again I could be wrong and just overthinking it 😁 gender is so confusing 😱 tell me if you figure it out 😂

[Overdrew]

To feel like a certain gender basically means it feels like that gender fits.  That basically means you don't feel a dysphoria or disconnect from what you associate with that gender. 

 

Think of it like a glove, if the fingers are in the wrong places and that feels wrong or painful: that's dysphoria and the gender doesn't fit

If your gender doesn't fit, you know its wrong.

You only really know your gender if you don't have to think about it.  

 

I personally am one of those people who has to think about it.  I know that the gender people have associated with me since birth is ill-fitting.  I have dysphoria over my body and want modifications, I have dysphoria over when I am referred to by my birth sex or people use descriptors associated with my birth sex.  I do not however have a particular gender that feels right, so I just slap on a label like non-binary and use gender-neutral instead of agonizing about what exactly fits. 

Its okay to not know your gender as long as you know what feels right for you.  Even if you are completely cis, don't hesitate to practice some gender-nonconformity if you think it would be fitting.

[Yeast]

I've never thought about gender the way I think about sex. Sex is a biological thing. Unless you are born a hermaphrodite then you are either male or female. No ambiguity at all since its a purely physical phenomenon. Gender is a set of concepts associated with sex and as such isn't a physical thing. It is purely intellectual. Therefore it is nothing more than opinion. I never think of it as fact. Therefore I never think of it at all. Physically I'm male but what that means personally is a definition I've come up with. No, I don't want to wear a dress but on the other hand I'm no sports fan either. I have courage and strength but not because I was born with them. I needed to become this way because of some rather awful people in my life. I don't even like the idea of gender. It's completely cultural and western culture has almost always been dominated by men. Therefore it seems reasonable to believe that there is a certain bigotry associated with the feminine gender. Females are inferior to males. The underlying reason for this mind set seems chimp like. Like our ape relatives we can beat up the females of our species pretty much with impunity. To chimps this makes them feel superior. The same applies to some humans. Frankly I feel that men who hit women are animals and ought to be locked in cages. Fortunately, some are (locked in cages). The other prejudice in western culture is that females are not as intelligent as men. They are prone to hysteria. Men are always logical and rational and can control their emotions. I think though that in a general sense women are more intelligent. This too is based on sex and how the two have evolved to accomplish certain tasks. Women usually raise children. This takes a great amount of empathy and creativity. Men are meant to run around in gangs and kill things. This doesn't take much empathy and strategy is more important in this situation. Men are therefore better at forming teams where everybody knows what they are supposed to do and does it without questioning anything. I don't think this comes as easily to women. They have to manage things and this means they need to question situations all the time. Besides this, they usually raise children as individuals or at most with the help of close relatives. In the end though it usually works very well. Me and my friends bring back large pieces of animals and  our mates raise our children for us. At least this is how it once was. Perhaps we are evolving beyond this, meaning there will be even less differences when sex is considered. There may come a day when nuclear families no longer exist. People run around like bonobos having as much sex with whoever they want whenever they want. Women who bear children will be professionals specially trained for this and their children will be raised by another class of professionals.  Gender will then have completely disappeared as a concept. No more using it as a means of disenfranchising the sexes. The two will finally be equal.     

[Alagaisia]

49 minutes ago, Yeast said:

Sex is a biological thing. Unless you are born a hermaphrodite then you are either male or female. No ambiguity at all since its a purely physical phenomenon.

Unrelated to my original post, but actually, there is a lot of ambiguity in biological sex- it's only just beginning to be addressed. This twitter thread is really informative: 

 

[Alagaisia]

2 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

I wanted to be a boy when I was little too. Now I'm comfortable in my femininity. Quintessential tomboy.

See that's really interesting, because I was never a tomboy. I wasn't even really friends with any guys until high school (although that could be because all of the boys in my elementary school were mean to me). I can't remember actively wanting to be a boy in any other part of my life at that time. It was just this weird thing in the back of my head that came out every once in a while when I was alone. I think it's still there, just not in the same way; in mannerisms, more, but similar in that it's only every so often and not generally the way I present myself around other groups of people.

[Alagaisia]

2 hours ago, Oat said:

As someone who self-identifies as genderfluid I can tell you that when I change genders it often feels like going into a different headspace. My thoughts are more skewed in an opposing gender, if that makes sense. I feel an automatic reaction to certain mannerisms and it's just an overall different perspective on your body and the things that surround you. 

That's super interesting to hear. That's really helpful, actually, because I don't think I've ever felt anything like that. Also I see that we're both in Narnia, so that's pretty cool. We should hang out sometime.

[Oat]

@Alagaisia I would like that, but I have to warn you I am quite awkward 😅😁

[no-longer-in-use]

As @Grimalkin said, your experiences are pretty normal. I wouldn't sweat it too much, just do whatever makes you most comfortable and happy. ❤️