Ace boyfriend and sexual girlfriend struggle to reach a sexual compromise

[Aaronsgirlfriend]

So my boyfriend and i recently got back together after breaking up for almost 5 months. We broke up because he’s ace and im very much the opposite. He and i had tried opening up our relationship to let me meet my sexual needs with someone else, which ultimately led to hurt feelings on both sides and us breaking up. 

Now that were back together hes tried to be more understanding of how i feel and i really appreciate that. He also tries harder to satisfy my sexual needs

where we run into issues is that when we attempt to have sex, either he has erectile issues or he does it with the same amount of enthusiasm he might have while scrubbing a toilet. It ruins it for me and i dont want to have sex with him at all anymore, yet i still really want sex.

We talked about me having another person again, outside of our relationship, and he said yes. However, i feel like he says yes even though he really doesnt want me to. I can tell it really hurts him, so i just do without.....again. 

the first year and a half that we dated, i just dealt with the near celibacy (one unethusiatic quicky every 3/4 months) and im not surprised thats become the case again. I love my boyfriend so much and i really want to make this work.

i dont wnt to cause problems or hurt him by seeing a second guy, but i genuinely feel like that would be the ideal setup. 

[asexual dragon]

I think that you should choose love over sex for sure. I'm ace so I guess that I wouldn't really understand, but in my opinion, sex is just something people do because it feels good, and love has to have feelings and emotion and connection. If you love your boyfriend more then you want sex, then stay with him and try to come to an agreement. I'm sorry I'm no use, and can't offer any good advice, it sounds like you're in a really tough situation.

[Traveler40]

So, let me get this straight: The parties, the orientations, the situation and the compromise haven’t changed, yet you hope for a different outcome that includes happily ever after?  

 

The challenges and pain of being Aaron’s girlfriend were known, yet you subsequently chose to return to the relationship.  There may be all sorts of love, but your basic needs aren’t being met.  Additionally, the compromise of choice has proven a failure for you both.

 

I’m sorry it’s not a better response, but I believe it’s never going to improve to the point of true fulfillment on your end and only gets more complicated with time.

 

Edit: As others have asked, why get back together knowing what you know?

[anisotrophic]

Can't you just be good friends?

 

You shouldn't sacrifice your orientation any more than he should his.

[Guest]

Mmm. If you broke up over opening, then I dont think opening is going to help. If you need desire, it doesnt sound like being with him makes you happy. So why did you try again? 

[James121]

8 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

So my boyfriend and i recently got back together after breaking up for almost 5 months. We broke up because he’s ace and im very much the opposite. He and i had tried opening up our relationship to let me meet my sexual needs with someone else, which ultimately led to hurt feelings on both sides and us breaking up. 

Now that were back together hes tried to be more understanding of how i feel and i really appreciate that. He also tries harder to satisfy my sexual needs

where we run into issues is that when we attempt to have sex, either he has erectile issues or he does it with the same amount of enthusiasm he might have while scrubbing a toilet. It ruins it for me and i dont want to have sex with him at all anymore, yet i still really want sex.

We talked about me having another person again, outside of our relationship, and he said yes. However, i feel like he says yes even though he really doesnt want me to. I can tell it really hurts him, so i just do without.....again. 

the first year and a half that we dated, i just dealt with the near celibacy (one unethusiatic quicky every 3/4 months) and im not surprised thats become the case again. I love my boyfriend so much and i really want to make this work.

i dont wnt to cause problems or hurt him by seeing a second guy, but i genuinely feel like that would be the ideal setup. 

Why did you get back with him?

[ryn2]

Yeah, my main question is roughly the same as the others’:  did you decide to give it another go because - despite now being fully aware of your differences - you felt like you missed sharing your lives enough that it was worth sacrificing to have that again, or did you hope the shortcomings would be different/easier to work around this time?

[SusannaC]

Sounds like you love him, but your orientation is different from his and you will never have what you want and need in a lasting relationship with him.  This is an unfortunate recipe for pain and loneliness as the years go by.  I don’t believe opening up your relationship for sex is a good long term solution.  This will be painful for him and probably create new problems for you.  If I were you- i would do my best to part as loving friends.  

[roland.o]

15 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

I love my boyfriend so much and i really want to make this work.

These are two different things. Separate them. From what you describe, the two of you don't work as a couple. Let your love give you the strength to become "just friends", or whatever does work for both of you.

[Aaronsgirlfriend]

I should also mention that before we broke up, our communication was......lacking.

now that weve gotten back together we communicate better and mr macho man talks about his feelings  (even if sometimes its tough for him and i have to be extra patient with him)

He goes out of his way to do little things that make me smile (he brought me lunch and chocolates at work yesterday for instance) and he never did that before. Hes also more understanding that no sex is tough for me.

Even though our sex life is still a work in progress, when we were apart we realized how badly we wanted to be back together. 

[Guest]

26 minutes ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

I should also mention that before we broke up, our communication was......lacking.

now that weve gotten back together we communicate better and mr macho man talks about his feelings  (even if sometimes its tough for him and i have to be extra patient with him)

He goes out of his way to do little things that make me smile (he brought me lunch and chocolates at work yesterday for instance) and he never did that before. Hes also more understanding that no sex is tough for me.

Even though our sex life is still a work in progress, when we were apart we realized how badly we wanted to be back together. 

Is the increase in emotional intimacy enough for you to give up sex then and be happy? It doesn't sound like it from your post.

 

Non-monogamy really doesn't work as a bandaid. Either you are both into the idea or not. If he cant be happy you have other people, then it will fail again. Naturally monogamous people cant do non-monogamy, it hurts too much and leaves needs unfulfilled. 

 

Have you asked him what has changed on his end about non-monogamy if hes agreeing to it again?

[greynonomous]

6 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

I should also mention that before we broke up, our communication was......lacking.

now that weve gotten back together we communicate better and mr macho man talks about his feelings  (even if sometimes its tough for him and i have to be extra patient with him)

He goes out of his way to do little things that make me smile (he brought me lunch and chocolates at work yesterday for instance) and he never did that before. Hes also more understanding that no sex is tough for me.

Even though our sex life is still a work in progress, when we were apart we realized how badly we wanted to be back together. 

 

As a gray ace male partner to an allo person, first off, I think it can be done, and this follow up post you made @Aaronsgirlfriend points to some similar things to what happened for us that really did help. I want to balance out a bit because the replies all seem to be downers, so here’s another perspective  and maybe some advice for you.

 

First, awesome that you two are getting into a habit of communicating love in more ways. Lots of Guys don’t really grow up knowing how to express themselves or show affection, and sex is a very nice and straight forward tool for that, as well as to track partner’s happiness, but if it’s not always in the toolbox you need more. I’m really happy to read that you’ve been able to be patient with him as he figures out how to be more expressive, and fight through the macho man mindset he was raised with.

 

Even sexual folks tend to focus not enough on being a good partner, difference is they can patch it with sex, which doesn’t work as well as folks like to think either. Even for sexuals, relationships have a ‘honeymoon’ period of only 2 years where the physicality ebbs down and romantic affection (true love) is what carries it on for the long haul. Communicating and diversifying how you show and accept love and affection is key to long term happiness.

 

Second, if sex is not something that naturally comes to you for whatever reason, as a guy that can be very stressing. I know I used to get very stressed out when we went through a ‘dry spell’ funny enough as that usually meant my partner was withholding due to being annoyed at me. Now, I needed to make sure I was aware enough to pick up this que which a sexual guy would pick up naturally, and also the next session whenever it did happen I would have to ‘perform’ more and be more present to soothe feelings and stuff as we made up.

 

Having all this running in your head really hurts the mood and can definitely be a source for ED. Your reaction is key though.Again,  The fact you guys are COMMUNICATING is already beating out a bunch of other relationships!

 

As a guy that’s gone through where he’s going through, please remember that Even an asexual feels vulnerable about sex performance and if he constantly hears griping / dissatisfaction, it will just pile on top of the fact he isn’t into it and the main purpose for it (make ou happy) starts to feel unattainable. 

 

I’d recommmend you try to be supportive in the moment even when he fails to deliver a good session, but then tell him what he did well and can improve on... much much later, like sleep on it first at least, and make it an explicit habit for you guys to discuss within a day or so, so it doesn’t feel like you only do it when he sucks (and be detailed on performance not vague ‘feels’ or whatnot, nor bring up other sessions. Focus on the specifics of the last performance only. Telling him ‘you always zone out, I want you to feel it’ won’t help cause fundamentally he won’t organically have those, he’s going to need to learn a bit of acting. Instead phrase something like (appreciate what you did for me. I reallly liked <insert a moment that you liked>, The expression you made when I pulled back during <insert specific moment> did jar me out a bit though. it might help if you focus on eye contact and smile a bit when I pull back to look at your face next time.)

 

Finally, I would also try to see if maybe sex beyond intercourse is something that is able to scratch the itch for you with him. He may be totally ok being there but using aids (toys, etc) and stuff for most sessions and just doing intercourses more sporadically. Stuff like eye contact, touching etc even if it’s essentially a solo session can be enough for the brain to consider it close enough to check the box. Maybe also try to understand if he is more than just indifferent and actually averse to sex and pushing himself through.

 

 

[anisotrophic]

@greynonomous this is great advice! But in this case I'm afraid it really sounds like this partner is -- or was -- averse.

 

I don't know if that can change, but I think the starting point might be really challenging here.

 

I guess if I have anything to add it would be something I do -- I try to make sure to be thankful and express gratitude and positive feedback in response to sex stuff with my ace partner. I think over time, pushing the balance in that direction to make it a positive experience is important.

 

 

1 hour ago, greynonomous said:

my partner was withholding due to being annoyed at me

😂 yeah that didn't work out very well for me when I used to do that.

[anamikanon]

On 2/12/2019 at 8:41 AM, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

where we run into issues is that when we attempt to have sex, either he has erectile issues or he does it with the same amount of enthusiasm he might have while scrubbing a toilet. It ruins it for me and i dont want to have sex with him at all anymore, yet i still really want sex.

Aces don't really want sex. They are doing it for us, and as sexuals, we sense the lack of desire and it throws us off. Many here (me included) have at times described the feeling like raping a partner you love, because we are so used to reading consent into desire. And the responses by aces as well as sexuals who have successfully had sexual relationships with aces recommend recognizing the consent as their choice, regardless of desire.

 

That said, the lack of desire itself makes sex rather ..... insipid. Some things that helped were...

1. Letting go of PIV sex. This, I think is specially important when the man is asexual, because a lack of desire can do bad things to erections and all the willingness to pleasure you then gets derailed. However, women are easily pleasured to orgasm in many different ways and PIV is actually not the most efficient even. Explore what works for both of you. Oral, digital, toys, kink....
2. Seeing if there was something he enjoyed about being physically close to me. Mine likes cuddling a lot. So we do a lot of that. We weave it into the sex as well.
3. Avoiding what he doesn't like. My ace is capable of arousal, just that he doesn't LIKE it unless he is mentally prepared for sex, so if I touch him and he feels aroused, he finds that unpleasant. In any case, it was me and not him wanting sex (when I wanted it). So we focused on my pleasure. Both him and me. And I left his penis well alone unless he indicated he was okay with being touched there. He was fine bringing me pleasure as long as his body was not involved. It worked.
4. Appreciation and reward. Sex doesn't inherently feel rewarding to asexuals like it does to us, and I found that I had a much happier man about sex when I conveyed the pleasure he had brought me and appreciated it. Was even better when I reciprocated with things he genuinely enjoyed.
5. Accepting that you are never going to have "normal" sex with this man. You will have to come to terms with this, and get used to experiencing sex in a new way. Regardless of how much he cooperates or how much you both compromise and adapt, sex with an asexual is not the effortless and instinctive thing it is for sexuals, because they instinctively don't want it at all. They simply don't have our hundred spontaneous responses and desires and whims and what not around sex. Many things will have to be stated or explicitly asked for or explained. Other things will simply not happen when we expect them to. Can be unsettling, but you do get used to it with enough love.

[andreas1033]

8 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

And the responses by aces as well as sexuals who have successfully had sexual relationships with aces recommend recognizing the consent as their choice, regardless of desire.

Its because if an a person, has no, or very little sex drive, like asexuals, they need trust more.

 

The more of a sex drive a person has, the less they need trust in there partners.

 

Having no sex drive(or very little), will as an asexual leave you with only trust to bond with others. This is why you find consent is important for asexuals, far more then sexuals.

[andreas1033]

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

WTF?

I think you can read.

 

The more a person is sexual, the less they need trust to have relations with others. The less a person has a sex drive, or no sex drive, you will find they need trust in there partner.

 

Its why you see sex monsters rape, and why asexuals, could not do such a thing.

 

The higher the sex drive someone has the less they need trust in another. People with high sex drives, will alot of times, not care about consent of others, in there sexual adventures.

 

When you have a low sex drive, or no sex drive at all, the thing you need above all other things is to be able to trust that other person.

[andreas1033]

6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I don't understand why sexuals are supposed to not need to trust our partners so much. Please explain more.

 

You're saying 'a lot of times' sexuals are rapists. This is bollocks.

I did not say this.

 

I said, that the higher the sex drive of someone, the less they rely on trust from others. People lie enormously to have sex with each other.

 

You should see what i am saying as like on a scale.

 

One end, people with no sex drive, and they need enormously for trust, and consent, while at the other extreme, is hyper sexuals, whom lie and anything to have sex, and need no amount of trust or consent to have sex.

 

Everyone is between those two extremes. That does not mean i am talking about rapists. I am saying hyper sexuals, lie, and do anything, to have sex, and they do not need to care one bit, about consent, or feeling trust from the other. Its just something totally physical for them.

 

Whether you like it or not, trust is not something hyper sexuals need. These are real predators. Someone like trump, whom his former wife said just raped her. This guy could not care one bit about trust, or consent, and is an example of a real sexual predator, at that hyper sexual end of that scale above.

[andreas1033]

4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

There is no logic to this at all.

 

If someone doesn't care about consent, that makes them a rapist, does it not?

Yep, it does, but alot of times, hyper sexuals, will lie and do anything to get to goto bed.

 

Like i said, a good example of a hyper sexual, a person is a predator is donald trump. His former wife, said he often raped her, while married.

 

Thats a good example, of a hyper sexual, not caring about consent.

 

But generally hyper sexuals, or predators, do get consent, but will not care of need the trust from others to perform the act of sex.

 

Do you consider a man raping his wife, rape?

 

Well you can see one everyday on tv, his name is donald trump. A real sexual predator, whom cared not for consent.

[andreas1033]

Just now, Telecaster68 said:

You're conflating hypersexuality with normal sexuality. Read your initial post on this.

No i am not, i am saying there is a scale, and everyone is inbetween them.

 

I never spoke, about normal sexuals, as they would be the middle ground. I was telling you about the extremes of that scale.

[andreas1033]

Just now, Telecaster68 said:

No you weren't.

Yes i was.

 

This thread is about a sexual woman, and an asexual man. I was talking in my original post, why asexuals, would need consent and trust, most.

 

I am the person who knows what i meant.

[anamikanon]

31 minutes ago, andreas1033 said:

Its because if an a person, has no, or very little sex drive, like asexuals, they need trust more.

 

The more of a sex drive a person has, the less they need trust in there partners.

 

Having no sex drive(or very little), will as an asexual leave you with only trust to bond with others. This is why you find consent is important for asexuals, far more then sexuals.

I think you completely missed the meaning of my post. It was actually talking of sexuals confusing lack of desire for lack of consent.

 

Consent is important for everyone. Being sexual doesn't automatically mean you want to have sex with anyone who wants to have sex with you, or even with your partner or spouse regardless of your mood.

 

Trust is important for everyone too. Or given the few number of sexuals, trust in a relationship wouldn't even be considered important "normally" if it weren't necessary for sexuals as well.

 

The post you replied to had nothing to do with either.

[andreas1033]

lol

 

No i do not think i did, i just represented it in my way of thinking, rather then yours.

 

Consent is not important for everyone, as otherwise you would not have people like donald trump, who is a predator, and hypersexual, and a good example, of such people.

 

If consent was something everyone needed, you would not have college people today thinking they need to both sign consent forms before having sex.

 

Why was there always a big argument about no, meaning no?

 

We have got so side tracked by this. I just meant to write something, but you two seem, to take it too literally and do not appreciate there is a scale from one extreme to the other.

 

Consent should be required for all sex between two people, but i was just pointing out, how one extreme does not really care for it.

 

Like i said, why is the idea of no meaning no? Why is that an idea in society, as it shows, many people ignore consent, in those moments, which of course is wrong. But i just wrote what i did to show, that more sexual a person is, the less they feel the need to trust, and need consent. Of course most do want consent, but that is not always so, at that extreme, where hyper sexuals are.

[Xstatic]

Whoa there.  I go through periods of being hyper sexual and I have NEVER lied to get sex.  Also, consent is insanely important to me.  I couldn't even imagine doing either of those things.

[anamikanon]

1 hour ago, andreas1033 said:

lol

 

No i do not think i did, i just represented it in my way of thinking, rather then yours.

 

Consent is not important for everyone, as otherwise you would not have people like donald trump, who is a predator, and hypersexual, and a good example, of such people.

 

If consent was something everyone needed, you would not have college people today thinking they need to both sign consent forms before having sex.

 

Why was there always a big argument about no, meaning no?

 

We have got so side tracked by this. I just meant to write something, but you two seem, to take it too literally and do not appreciate there is a scale from one extreme to the other.

 

Consent should be required for all sex between two people, but i was just pointing out, how one extreme does not really care for it.

 

Like i said, why is the idea of no meaning no? Why is that an idea in society, as it shows, many people ignore consent, in those moments, which of course is wrong. But i just wrote what i did to show, that more sexual a person is, the less they feel the need to trust, and need consent. Of course most do want consent, but that is not always so, at that extreme, where hyper sexuals are.

Consent is required by law and without it, sexual advances are considered sexual harassment or rape. Victims of sexual predators are mostly sexual too and they NEEDED that consent to happen or lack respected. And these laws were made by mostly sexuals too. If think all sexuals are predatory, do you think all asexuals in relationships with sexuals are sadists?

 

This is nonsense.