mssugarpop

LDR with a sexual partner, help

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mssugarpop

I'm just gonna start explaining. I am 26 and married to my sexual husband (since 2013), and I didn't quite come to the conclusion that I am asexual until maybe a few years ago. Our relationship started off as friends with benefits with a mutual attraction to each other, and I was about 18 at the time, and I was curious about sex then, so I was totally up for it. Over time, however, I've just become more and more sex repulsed, while he is increasingly more attracted to me. Right now, we're going long distance, because I had been wanting to attend my college in person because I learn better in a classroom, and learning 3D arts is kind of difficult in an online setting. Our relationship has been a bit rocky, such as he's been guilt trippy over a good amount of our relationship, and I've been coming off as indifferent to him most of the time which has been making him feel like he's not wanted, and we almost divorced over the fact that he wants kids and I don't, but he found that being with me was more important to him than the possibility of children.

 

We've since dealt with most of these issues, but our biggest issue right now in this LDR of ours is that he is sexually frustrated, while I'm happy over here being by myself with little to no sexual content in my life at all. He tells me quite often how he wants me sexually, and every other time he asks for nudes or videos of me, or asks if next time we meet that if he can use whatever toy he searched up on Amazon on me, or if I will wear lingerie for him(honestly what's the point of lingerie? It's uncomfortable, I feel stupid in it, and it doesn't even stay on. It's basically wrapping paper, it's garbage clothing). He's asked me to talk dirty to him, but I don't like talking dirty, I don't like hearing the words coming out of my mouth, and it just feels strange to type it out in casual conversation. He's asked me to initiate sexual conversation with him if I'm ever in the mood for sex, which is rarely these days, and then I feel like I'm expected to message him at some point containing nude imagery of me, and I hate it. We've even considered an open relationship or non-monogamous one, but he says he's only sexually interested in me, and that he can't even masturbate to porn and that he has to masturbate to content of my own body. 

 

So basically, everything he's asked me to do because he's so sexually frustrated, I've said "no, I'm not comfortable with that," and then he feels like he's unattractive and he just wants to feel wanted. I can't give this to him without feeling every type of wrong in my own head, and at this point I don't know what else to do. I want us to have intimacy in our relationship, I just wish sexual intimacy wasn't front and center, because most of the time it feels like a chore and it totally wrecks my whole mood. I don't know what to do, and just keep getting a feeling like divorcing is the best option.

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uhtred

Sorry to have a negative post.  I'm a sexual in a long term marriage to a near-asexual wife.  Its been very difficult.  She is trying, really trying. I am trying - both doing the best that we can - but its really not quite enough. 

 

I think that most sexual / asexual relationships are likely to be unhappy for at least on, usually both people. For most sexuals, sex is closely tied with romance and love.  For asexuals, sex is somewhere between boring and extremely unpleasant. 

 

Its almost impossible for it to work.  What one person sees as a core part of a romantic relationship, the other sees as a chore.  Neither person's fault, but a very basic incompatibility. 

 

I believe usually divorce is the best option.  Its no different to me than one person discovering that they were gay / lesbian. No blame, but the situation has not changed (or been recognized) as one missing basic compatibility. 

 

For some couples, opening the relationship so the the sexual person can have sex elsewhere works.  Often though that is not acceptable to one or both parties. 

 

You can't be the partner he wants, nor can he be for you.  I believe you will both be happier if you find someone else. 

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know if divorce is the best option or not, but it does sound like you're sexually incompatible.
Do they know that you're Asexual? I know that you say you've worked through most of your issues together.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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mssugarpop
3 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know if divorce is the best option or not, but it does sound like you're sexually incompatible.
Do they know that you're Asexual? I know that you say you've worked through most of your issues together.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

Thank you for the welcome! 

And yes, they know I'm asexual. They've been doing a bit of research trying to understand it, and I've told him how his proclamations of how frustrated he is doesn't help either of our sides, but this doesn't seem to stop the sexual requests from coming. 

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mssugarpop
12 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Sorry to have a negative post.  I'm a sexual in a long term marriage to a near-asexual wife.  Its been very difficult.  She is trying, really trying. I am trying - both doing the best that we can - but its really not quite enough. 

 

I think that most sexual / asexual relationships are likely to be unhappy for at least on, usually both people. For most sexuals, sex is closely tied with romance and love.  For asexuals, sex is somewhere between boring and extremely unpleasant. 

 

Its almost impossible for it to work.  What one person sees as a core part of a romantic relationship, the other sees as a chore.  Neither person's fault, but a very basic incompatibility. 

 

I believe usually divorce is the best option.  Its no different to me than one person discovering that they were gay / lesbian. No blame, but the situation has not changed (or been recognized) as one missing basic compatibility. 

 

For some couples, opening the relationship so the the sexual person can have sex elsewhere works.  Often though that is not acceptable to one or both parties. 

 

You can't be the partner he wants, nor can he be for you.  I believe you will both be happier if you find someone else. 

I completely agree with this, it just feels difficult because he's the type to want to keep trying no matter how hard it gets, but I guess I just want an agreement, for things to be mutual on the fact that we are sexually incompatible, and I don't feel like it's going to be. When we are living together, I'll have sex with him if I agree to it, and things are perfectly fine when we're together, but long distance is unbearable. And eventually the whole children topic is going to come up again, but I'd honestly rather have cats/pets. So I'm going to be moving back to our house in May, and things are going to feel fine and dandy, but for how long, I guess would be my question at that point. 

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MichaelTannock

I wish I had advice for you. I'm sorry that I don't.

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uhtred
21 minutes ago, mssugarpop said:

I completely agree with this, it just feels difficult because he's the type to want to keep trying no matter how hard it gets, but I guess I just want an agreement, for things to be mutual on the fact that we are sexually incompatible, and I don't feel like it's going to be. When we are living together, I'll have sex with him if I agree to it, and things are perfectly fine when we're together, but long distance is unbearable. And eventually the whole children topic is going to come up again, but I'd honestly rather have cats/pets. So I'm going to be moving back to our house in May, and things are going to feel fine and dandy, but for how long, I guess would be my question at that point. 

You are OK with sex in person but not sexual exchanges at a distance.  (not disagreeing, just trying to get a picture / understanding).

 

Disagreements over children are also pretty fundamental.  There just isn't any middle ground and children are such a huge impact on ones life, that I don't really think compromise makes sense.  That by itself might be enough to end things.

 

This isn't anyone's fault.  

 

 

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mssugarpop
1 minute ago, uhtred said:

You are OK with sex in person but not sexual exchanges at a distance.  (not disagreeing, just trying to get a picture / understanding).

 

Disagreements over children are also pretty fundamental.  There just isn't any middle ground and children are such a huge impact on ones life, that I don't really think compromise makes sense.  That by itself might be enough to end things.

 

This isn't anyone's fault.  

 

 

Yes, as in I'm fine having sex with him for him, but it's never really for me. If I'm given the choice of watching a movie or having sex to satisfy his need, I'm more than likely to pick the movie. Most of the time, I'd rather not have sex at all, because that's when I'm happiest. 

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uhtred

Is everything else great?

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anisotropic

This doesn't sound like a very compatible relationship. Disagreeing about having kids is huge. Disagreeing about sex is huge, and especially so if you are repulsed rather than indifferent. I'd call either one of those things a probable deal breaker; it really doesn't seem to make sense to stick together here.

 

Sorry to also be negative, that's my two cents.

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mssugarpop
3 hours ago, uhtred said:

Is everything else great?

When we're physically together, things feel... okay. We want to be able to play video games together that we both enjoy, but can't really find one, idk it just always feels like something's missing. Like we've known each other since I was in 7th grade, we've had the same group of friends, but were we ever BEST friends? Did we ever really spend time together just us two as friends before even dating? Not really. It feels more like a romantic relationship rather than one built on friendship and knowing the person entirely. So I feel like we should find a game for both of us that we really enjoy to try and bring that closer kind of intimacy rather than sexual intimacy, at least, that's what I want. 

Idk, over the years, it seems as though the relationship has been one of my main stressors, and it shouldn't feel that way, and I want to be happier with what I already have, it's just hard to know if it's actually attainable. 

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greynonomous

The kids thing jumped out at me as it was pretty fundamental in my personal experience.

 

If this is something you feel WON'T change, then you need to make it very clear, as at your age (26 right?) your partner, folks and society still presume you will 'change your mind' later on.

 

I also noticed that the way you've phrased items on your post as if he's the one that has accommodated you right? The children conversation, the sex, the LDR and pursuit of your degree?  These are all large things that I would say you would want to be on the same page or at least in the same ballpark.

 

Even in your description of your relationship you came off a bit 'indifferent' until the very very end, where you mention you DO want more intimacy of some sort? I guess my question is what does that look like in your mind? What DO you want? You didn't really get into that, just that he is basically a nuisance right now as a LDR. 

 

Beyond getting clarity on what you WANT, vs the fact that you sound emotionally spent... have you thought to try a trial separation? It's not going directly to a divorce conversation, but will let you both get your priorities straight.

 

You're already not cohabiting, and this will give you BOTH the space to work on yourselves before you think about being with someone else. I've known couples where they actually became stronger after going through that, as it allowed them to see what life apart is like, and refocus their priorities in life. For others it meant a much more amicable divorce.


If you do decide to go down that route, then a couple's therapist always helps. Also, a lot of separations DON'T automatically presume that you're allowed to go dating or something, it's to figure out what you each want long term and get a feel of life on your own (which from your ages sounds like something neither of your have had a chance to have). Again, a couple's therapist can help in negotiating what the trial separation rules should look like if the purpose  is to try to salvage the relationship.

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anisotropic

Wait, what, you want a video game to bond?

 

You disagree on fundamental things like "having children", you seem annoyed and disgusted by his sexuality, and...

 

That's what's missing? The powerful bond that will surpass these major incompatibilities is... a great video game together?

 

🙃

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anisotropic

... I'm sorry that's unkind, but you don't seem particularly sympathetic to your partner. I really don't think it sounds like a great relationship.

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Telecaster68

It sounds like this is your first serious relationship, you've known each other since you were pretty much kids, and you've outgrown each other. You don't have kids, you're living separate lives and the friendship part is perfectly okay - it's the relationship part which is causing problems. So go back to being just friends. Divorce seems huge in prospect but ... how does 40 years of what you have now seem? 

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Serran
5 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Wait, what, you want a video game to bond?

 

You disagree on fundamental things like "having children", you seem annoyed and disgusted by his sexuality, and...

 

That's what's missing? The powerful bond that will surpass these major incompatibilities is... a great video game together?

 

🙃

Well, to be fair, a great game together is better intimacy than 50 dates to a gamer. 😛 My wife and I game together a lot, its our go to shared activity. And it can be quite special.

 

But... yeah OP this relationship sounds pretty much dead. You want different things on so many levels. And LDR with absolutely nothing sexual for him is probably pretty tough. It sounds like to be together, you both need to sacrifice who you are. 

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uhtred
11 hours ago, mssugarpop said:

When we're physically together, things feel... okay. We want to be able to play video games together that we both enjoy, but can't really find one, idk it just always feels like something's missing. Like we've known each other since I was in 7th grade, we've had the same group of friends, but were we ever BEST friends? Did we ever really spend time together just us two as friends before even dating? Not really. It feels more like a romantic relationship rather than one built on friendship and knowing the person entirely. So I feel like we should find a game for both of us that we really enjoy to try and bring that closer kind of intimacy rather than sexual intimacy, at least, that's what I want. 

Idk, over the years, it seems as though the relationship has been one of my main stressors, and it shouldn't feel that way, and I want to be happier with what I already have, it's just hard to know if it's actually attainable. 

My most basic rule is that a relationship should make you *happy*.   (not always, but in general).  If it doesn't then what is the point.   I think you should find someone who makes you happy 

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anisotropic
5 hours ago, Serran said:

Well, to be fair, a great game together is better intimacy than 50 dates to a gamer. 😛 My wife and I game together a lot, its our go to shared activity. And it can be quite special.

Hah. On reflection, my partner and I did bond a bit playing Firewatch.... I needed some serious hugs with the dramatic-reveal-in-the-cave scene. :(

A really great game -- beautiful and thoughtful -- but perhaps a bit more like watching a dramatic TV series or movie together than playing a game... :)

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mssugarpop

Thank you everyone for your responses. You all have good points, and they have brought in a different view and has let me see some issues. Ain't an easy situation, and I want for both him and I to be happy, but that probably can't be achieved together without one of us changing for the worst, and that's not what I want. I know I'd be happier being by myself, and I have been a bit cruel to both of us in not voicing this sooner. Again, thanks for ya'll's thoughts. 

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Kree_kay
On 2/11/2019 at 4:06 PM, mssugarpop said:

I'm just gonna start explaining. I am 26 and married to my sexual husband (since 2013), and I didn't quite come to the conclusion that I am asexual until maybe a few years ago. Our relationship started off as friends with benefits with a mutual attraction to each other, and I was about 18 at the time, and I was curious about sex then, so I was totally up for it. Over time, however, I've just become more and more sex repulsed, while he is increasingly more attracted to me. Right now, we're going long distance, because I had been wanting to attend my college in person because I learn better in a classroom, and learning 3D arts is kind of difficult in an online setting. Our relationship has been a bit rocky, such as he's been guilt trippy over a good amount of our relationship, and I've been coming off as indifferent to him most of the time which has been making him feel like he's not wanted, and we almost divorced over the fact that he wants kids and I don't, but he found that being with me was more important to him than the possibility of children.

 

We've since dealt with most of these issues, but our biggest issue right now in this LDR of ours is that he is sexually frustrated, while I'm happy over here being by myself with little to no sexual content in my life at all. He tells me quite often how he wants me sexually, and every other time he asks for nudes or videos of me, or asks if next time we meet that if he can use whatever toy he searched up on Amazon on me, or if I will wear lingerie for him(honestly what's the point of lingerie? It's uncomfortable, I feel stupid in it, and it doesn't even stay on. It's basically wrapping paper, it's garbage clothing). He's asked me to talk dirty to him, but I don't like talking dirty, I don't like hearing the words coming out of my mouth, and it just feels strange to type it out in casual conversation. He's asked me to initiate sexual conversation with him if I'm ever in the mood for sex, which is rarely these days, and then I feel like I'm expected to message him at some point containing nude imagery of me, and I hate it. We've even considered an open relationship or non-monogamous one, but he says he's only sexually interested in me, and that he can't even masturbate to porn and that he has to masturbate to content of my own body. 

 

So basically, everything he's asked me to do because he's so sexually frustrated, I've said "no, I'm not comfortable with that," and then he feels like he's unattractive and he just wants to feel wanted. I can't give this to him without feeling every type of wrong in my own head, and at this point I don't know what else to do. I want us to have intimacy in our relationship, I just wish sexual intimacy wasn't front and center, because most of the time it feels like a chore and it totally wrecks my whole mood. I don't know what to do, and just keep getting a feeling like divorcing is the best option.

It sounds like there are a few issues here, not just the incompatibility (I noted that he wants children and you do not, that's an additional issue in my mind, for example). 

 

I think you need to have a real talk with him about your sexuality, what you are comfortable with, and what he needs. In the end, you may just be incompatible sexually.

 

Also, I'm still working out the details with my own sexual SO, but we aren't married yet.

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