A theory about the term Non-binary. (By a non-binary)

[BlazeZ]

Hi everyone! I was having bit of a bad moment (body dysphoria) and I remembered how much help this site was to me back when I decided to change my name and was super nervous. 

 

Anyway! My name is Gray and I am an agender, repulsed asexual with really bad dysphoria (both social and body). It’s been about two years since I realised that I didn’t have a gender, and I’ve been really lucky to very quickly be able to define who I am. (Despite that not being important!!). Since I discovered who I am, I started to meet more people who identifies as being non-binary, but despite that I’ve havent really been able to relate to most of the people I met (of course not all of them). 

A lot of non-binaries seem to be comfortable in their body (Don’t get me wrong, you don’t need to have dysphoria to be non/binary. If you are one of those people then darn you’re lucky!), and after talking to them about their identity the feeling I get is that our 2 genders a completely differnt despite falling under the same category. 

 

So here’s my theory: (keep in mind that it’s just a theory and if you don’t agree with it, then I’d love to hear your side!)

 

A lot of people can probably agree with me that there is a huge difference between your “mental” (I will refer to as M and “physical” gender (refered to as P. Mental being the gendering you fit in and physical being the way you feel your body should be. (Again this doesn’t necessarily mean dysphoria, but what you would wish your body looked like). I think that a lot of people have a hard time drawing the line between the M and the P identities.

 

For example: I had a best friend since childhood who a couple of years ago started questioning her gender. She didn’t feel like a girl and she had never been very feminine. Over time she slowly, (it seemed to me, and bear in mind we had been best friends for about 7-8 years at the time so I knew her very well), she started to convince herself that she had body dysphoria. She told me that she didn’t like wearing bras so I suggested a sports bra one size too small, since that worked for me before I got my first binder. But she didn’t want to and kind of seemed very set on getting a binder and mumbled something about sports bras being uncomfortable. Which doesn’t really make sense since binders are a lot worse, I left it alone since it wasn’t my place. At the time she had also become very “into” the lgbt community (due to her discovering that she was pansexual), visiting an lgbt minded cafe in Copenhagen. I don’t talk to her a lot anymore since we go to different schools now, but last time I asked her she said that she just wasn’t clear on her gender.

 

(Before the conclusion I just want to mention that this theory is based on more than just the example I’ve given here, but if I were to write down it all then this post would be far too long!)

 

 

So my conclusion/The actual theory part (I guess?):

 

i think that there are a lot of people who identify as non-binary who are actually only different from their biological gender in their M gender, and ends up confusing themselves and others because they think at the M and P have to match. That they end up causing themselves a lot of stress and pain convincing themselves that they have dysphoria to validate that they truly are Non-binary. And it’s a difficult situation, because there is no real definition of this idea, and due to human nature making us want to define ourselves and others, people identify simply as non-binary. And there is nothing wrong with that!

 

(If this theory is true) I wish that there were different definitions for people who are Non-binary in the same way as we see trans people and being non-binary in the sense that your M gender doesn’t fit your assigned gender. In in order to avoid confusion both for the latter and former! Personally I’ve had an experience with my old therapist (who I’m pretty sure just googled non-binary and decided that she understood the concept, but still). She asked me why I couldn’t be comfortable in my body when I wasn’t strictly the opposite of my birth gender ( which was super uncomfortable to hear because she was really nice, until we started talking about my gender...). So there being no differentiation between the two causes a lot of unnecessary problems. 

 

 

 

(thanks for reading! I’m super sick right now and it’s the middle of the night so I have zero idea if anything I just wrote makes sense.!) I’m pretty scared that some of what I wrote may have come off as offensive, so just know that I don’t mean it as that! I have only the utmost respect for people who struggle with gender identity since I know the feeling myself! And I’m rambling sorry!

 

I would love to hear other people’s opinions on this since I’ve never shared this theory before! Thanks for reading!!! 

[Sage Raven Domino]

There are already a lot of terms for identities that are special cases of non-binary. For example:

 

Gender Definitions Masterlist on AVEN

Gender Master List on Tumblr

 

The reason why one may choose to describe themselves simply as non-binary is to avoid confusing others. All non-binaries combined are a minority anyway, and by using the general term 'non-binary' that a lot of people are already aware of, you already let them know that you're different from most of them and call for their discretion, without forcing them to look up the meaning of a rare term for a specific identity.

[SeeYa]

Exactly as Sage Raven Domino has said, Non-binary is an umbrella term that covers a whole bunch of terms outside of the binaries. While I use a more specific term here I generally go by Non-binary because it is easier than explaining the whole deal in detail.
As for the M and P gender thing... I differ in both so I can't really say too much, but the two don't match in their differing which I guess is probably why I identify as non-binary...

[ElasticPlanet]

12 hours ago, BlazeZ said:

people who identify as non-binary who are actually only different from their biological gender in their M gender, and ends up confusing themselves and others because they think at the M and P have to match.

I don't think I've been worrying at all about those two things having to match. It was more like: 1. Needing to find out whether they match because the unanswered question was driving me mad; 2. If they don't match, will I be able to find a gender label which doesn't make that mismatch invisible?

 

That was 3 years ago now, and since then I have felt that what I call my 'social gender' (which overlaps a lot with your 'M', I think) is both easier for me to know and more important to me personally. It's on that basis that I call myself agender even though my ideal presentation is a little bit femme and my ideal body type is something I still haven't been able to pin down.