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Questioning a lot


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Okay so hi! I’m new here. This is probably going to be a long one but stick with me.

 

So lately I’ve been questioning if I’m asexual. It’s been getting me down a lot. I’m 21 years old and have never had the desire to have a relationship. I always felt like I was weird when I was younger when all my friends were talking about the boys they fancied whereas I had no desire. I downloaded a few dating apps as a result of pressure from some friends and have met a few decent guys on there.

 

i went on a couple of dates with one of them and he was lovely, but I did not fancy him in the slightest. I called it off for both of our sakes as it wasn’t fair on him.

 

thinking it was just a lack of attraction for him in particular, I met another guy and went on a few dates. He’s great and he makes me laugh, but he tried to kiss me on our last date and I felt nothing. If anything, I couldn’t wait for it to stop so I could go home and do my own thing.

 

I find myself willing the time to go quicker so I can go home and be alone, or making up excuses as to why I can’t meet him or stay very long. Now he’s kissed me it feels like there’s a pressure for more and I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for anything more (and have no want to). It’s made me feel awful because he’s a great guy, he’s sweet and supportive, but it’s not fair on him to be really into the relationship when I’m not.

 

i want to call it off but don’t know what to do. Whilst I think I may be asexual and enjoy spending time on my own, the thought of being alone for the rest of my life terrifies and saddens me. I wonder if I’d ever meet someone with so many common interests as me again, but I just don’t have that sexual attraction to him. The longer I leave it, the more attached he would get. I would get over it pretty quickly as I didn’t feel much in the beginning, but I think he would take it hard. 

 

Basically my head’s a mess and it’s starting to affect my mental health. I want to call it off with this guy but he’s done nothing wrong, I’m just not sexually attracted to him. Even if there are a few guys I ‘like’ (for want of a better word), I can never see myself being intimate or even cuddling/kissing with them. 

 

Advise please! Do I wait and see if I will ever develop anything for him? It just feels so forced whenever I’m around him, I’m not being myself! Or do I do the right thing for both of us and allow us both the chance to move on? 

Edited by LMH1789
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Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like you could be an Aromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
And Aromanticism is a lack of Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.

There are also other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction.

There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.
 

My advice is to tell them, as a romantic partner needs to know if you believe that you might be an Asexual and or an Aromantic.

You might also find them Platonically Attractive, so if they're willing, you could ask for a QPR (Queerplatonic Relationship), http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic 

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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Hi. Would you feel more comfortable if you were to stay friends with them and there wasn't any expectation of being in a relationship? Would they be open to only being friends with you?

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