Is it sexual attraction if aesthetic attraction leads to arousal despite a mental disconnect?

[Ninkami]

As a girl in her early 20’s I’ve comfortably identified as asexual, specifically autochorrisexual, after years of questioning and introspection. But last week I went to watch Anastasia on Broadway and for some odd reason I was feeling hornier than usual? When Dimitri, one of the main characters, came on stage I found him and his voice aesthetically appealing but then when I looked at his chest I became aroused even though mentally I felt no pull to him whatsoever. I found that I also became more aroused if I focused on Anastasia’s chest (especially when she changed into a dress that showed more cleavage) but I’ve always known that I was never attracted to women. So how is it that I experienced arousal looking at these two characters’ bodies?

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind have separate and totally disconnected sexual orientations...like my body could be heterosexual or even bisexual but I as I know myself have never been attracted to anyone, romantically or sexually. I’ve seen some people describe sexual attraction as experiencing arousal in response to a person...those two characters from the show provoked a physiological response out of me but I wouldn’t say I was attracted to them, like I had literally 0 desire to satisfy my sexual urges with them even if I was given the opportunity.

But now I’m questioning if what I experienced fits under sexual attraction and I’m confused again. Now I’m not sure if I simply don’t care about sex or I truly do not experience sexual attraction. If anyone could help unravel these confusing feelings I would greatly appreciate it!

[Acebooklove]

Well, as far as I know, arousal happens in aces, what people say makes you ace is the desire to act upon those feelings with another person, so, do you?

26 minutes ago, Ninkami said:

As a girl in her early 20’s I’ve comfortably identified as asexual, specifically autochorrisexual, after years of questioning and introspection. But last week I went to watch Anastasia on Broadway and for some odd reason I was feeling hornier than usual? When Dimitri, one of the main characters, came on stage I found him and his voice aesthetically appealing but then when I looked at his chest I became aroused even though mentally I felt no pull to him whatsoever. I found that I also became more aroused if I focused on Anastasia’s chest (especially when she changed into a dress that showed more cleavage) but I’ve always known that I was never attracted to women. So how is it that I experienced arousal looking at these two characters’ bodies?

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind have separate and totally disconnected sexual orientations...like my body could be heterosexual or even bisexual but I as I know myself have never been attracted to anyone, romantically or sexually. I’ve seen some people describe sexual attraction as experiencing arousal in response to a person...those two characters from the show provoked a physiological response out of me but I wouldn’t say I was attracted to them, like I had literally 0 desire to satisfy my sexual urges with them even if I was given the opportunity.

But now I’m questioning if what I experienced fits under sexual attraction and I’m confused again. Now I’m not sure if I simply don’t care about sex or I truly do not experience sexual attraction. If anyone could help unravel these confusing feelings I would greatly appreciate it!

 

[Ninkami]

Nope, no desire to act on those feelings! When I was feeling the arousal all I could think of was "why am I getting these feelings?" Admittedly I feel stronger aesthetic attraction to men more than women, to the point where I feel nervous around them because they make me self conscious and envious of their good looks, but I've always doubted whether that was just aesthetic attraction or if it could be sexual attraction...but when I experienced arousal looking at Anastasia's chest that's when I knew at the very least I wasn't mentally attracted to either Anastasia or Dimitri because I have always been confident that I'm not attracted to women.

[Denoscar]

Perhaps you like the idea of it, but that doesn't mean you want to go forward with it.
It's also normal for some aces to have libidos. It's just that we may not desire that kind of interaction with another person physically.
As long as you don't feel like you want to involve yourself with that person in that kind of way, then I'd say you're easily still ace.
Although, only you know your true feelings and it's up to you to decide what you are and aren't.

Edited February 11, 2019 by Denoscar

[Comrade F&F]

This reminds me of arousal nonconcorance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-q-tSHo9Ho (Obligatory trigger warning with video) 

 

[Paula @ BH]

Dear Ninkami,

 

I think that you might do better to do research into sexual attraction, rather than ask at a forum for people who, mostly, don't feel sexual attraction. 

 

You might start here:

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_attraction

 

and then read: 

 

Attraction Explained: The science of how we form relationships  (although the wrtitten style is rather shallow, the science is interesting)

 

and, if you want further understanding;

 

Sexual Excitement: Dynamics of Erotic Life (Maresfield Library) Dynamics of Erotic Life Maresfield Library

 

There are alternative 'psychiatric' explanations for not wanting to engage in sexual activity: see in the  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) - https://dsm.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596.dsm13

 

If you would like my opinion on the personal question you asked, then please send me a Personal Message on AVEN, and I will reply.

 

Yours, with best wishes,

 

 

Paula

 

 

[TrippleL]

2 hours ago, Ninkami said:

As a girl in her early 20’s I’ve comfortably identified as asexual, specifically autochorrisexual, after years of questioning and introspection. But last week I went to watch Anastasia on Broadway and for some odd reason I was feeling hornier than usual? When Dimitri, one of the main characters, came on stage I found him and his voice aesthetically appealing but then when I looked at his chest I became aroused even though mentally I felt no pull to him whatsoever. I found that I also became more aroused if I focused on Anastasia’s chest (especially when she changed into a dress that showed more cleavage) but I’ve always known that I was never attracted to women. So how is it that I experienced arousal looking at these two characters’ bodies?

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind have separate and totally disconnected sexual orientations...like my body could be heterosexual or even bisexual but I as I know myself have never been attracted to anyone, romantically or sexually. I’ve seen some people describe sexual attraction as experiencing arousal in response to a person...those two characters from the show provoked a physiological response out of me but I wouldn’t say I was attracted to them, like I had literally 0 desire to satisfy my sexual urges with them even if I was given the opportunity.

But now I’m questioning if what I experienced fits under sexual attraction and I’m confused again. Now I’m not sure if I simply don’t care about sex or I truly do not experience sexual attraction. If anyone could help unravel these confusing feelings I would greatly appreciate it!

I can relate to this 100%, and I’m asexual 🙂

 

I can get aroused from romantic, aesthetic or sensual attraction. I do not experience sexual attraction and never desire partnered sex.

 

I can get aroused from looking at certain parts of male & female bodies (chests in both cases here too 🙂).

 

I’m biologically male and this arousal from looking at women made me think I’m heterosexual for many years. When it happened with a guy it made me question my orientation (“Does this mean I’m gay? Let’s see, do I want any sort of sexual contact with that guy? No. So no, not gay”.)

 

Once I worked out I’m asexual, I also realised I’m biaesthetic, but like 99%/1% with a preference for women.

 

Whilst I’d never thought about it in those terms, I know what you mean about the mind/body disconnect; my body can get aroused in certain situations whilst my mind is not attracted. I think mostly they are in sync... but maybe my body drags my mind along rather than the other way round? Interesting 🙂

 

In my case, accepting that I feel aesthetic attraction towards men occasionally allowed me to relax as there is no risk I’ll have sex with them... I can simply chill out and enjoy watching more beautiful people 🙂

 

Good luck as you work this through 🙂

[kiaroskuro]

2 hours ago, Paula @ BH said:

I think that you might do better to do research into sexual attraction, rather than ask at a forum for people who, mostly, don't feel sexual attraction.

 

There are alternative 'psychiatric' explanations for not wanting to engage in sexual activity: see in the  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) - https://dsm.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596.dsm13

In my opinion this is the perfect place to ask such a question, because we have all kinds of people here: asexuals, demisexuals, sexuals, people who experience aesthetic, romantic, sensual attraction or none at all; and everything in between. Avenites are usually very knowledgeable about various types of attractions - and gender issues.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I think that posting something about 'psychiatric conditions' here is quite inappropriate, to put it mildly. I'm fairly sure that most of us are perfectly fine with our sexual identity and we don't consider ourselves ill, in terms of having a disorder or dysfunction of sorts.

 

Just my two cents.

[Paula @ BH]

I have replied in detail and with care to a PM from the person who originated this thread.   And not as a psychiatrist, either.

 

In a way, I don't much care what you believe, as this isn't about you, really, is it?

 

You don't know why I posted what I did - so why not ask me via a PM before 'trashing' my input in a thread? 

 

If you did that sort of 'public belittling' very often in a Corporate  envioronment, you'd get the reputation you seem to be soliciting - and you wouldn't learn from things you didn't understand, you'd get ignored instead.

 

😞

 

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

For me it's not wrong in principle to say that an alternative psychiatric explanation exists. That said, I definitely disagree with the concept of "sexual dysfunctions" as such - particularly those which are based on lack of libido and/or desire. The "asexual exception" is bullshit and a "rotten compromise" (is there such a phrase in English? I'm using it as a calque from Polish). It creates a dangerous double standard in which asexuals are "kindly" "allowed" not to desire sex - but everybody else isn't! And for me it's obvious that everyone has a right not to desire sex, regardless of what science says about it.

Well, if someone feels bad about their lack of libido and/or desire, by all means they have a right to seek therapy, but even then I would advise them to first look into the reasons for their distress - do they genuinely want to experience desire or do they "feel broken" because society and culture is telling them that no one can be happy without sex? But if someone is OK with not wanting sex (which is, I would say, a healthy attitude because nobody should have unwanted sex, so forcing oneself into sex when not desiring it is a bad idea), then they are healthy no matter what is their identification. For me not desiring sex is NOT dysfunctional. People who don't want to have sex are a part of normal human variance. We are infinitely diverse, with no one's experience being identical to anyone else's experience, so why artificially limit the scope of what we might experience without being told that out thoughtfeeling is supposedly "dysfunctional"?

 

And more generally: situations like this are another reason to favour the desire-based definition of asexuality. The very concept of "sexual attraction" is nebulous and confusing to many people. It's much simpler to say that "an asexual person is someone who doesn't want to have partnered sex". Incidentally, I am myself not really asexual under the attraction-based definition - but "at least effectively asexual" under the desire-based definition. However, I don't worry that much about labels. Stating that I'm sex-averse and thus not sexually available to anyone is enough for me.

[Paula @ BH]

🙂 GENERAL OBSERVATIONS  🙂

 

1.  If there's a range of variations across a population, and the attribute that bothers someone is multi-layered and each layer has its own sub-distribution, than (i) taking a random sample (AVEN Members who happen to be logged on and who also notice the thread) and taken only (ii) from a skewed, small part of the whole population distribution (AVEN Members) doesn't seem a very good way to obtain the ‘full map'.

 

2.  And I think it's better for the originator of a thread to have the full map of the multi-layered possibilities and then check that out personally, with the benefit of their personal self-knowledge, than ask, as it were, 'The Six Wise Men of Hindustan'* who've never seen the whole picture nor ever attempted to study it, for their oh-so-very-sincerely-held but oh-so-very-personal opinions, each based upon their oh-so-very-individual experiences.

 

* see at https://steemit.com/trending/@santosha/six-wise-men-of-hinustan

 

3.  That's why I didn't offer the originator my personal experiences in this thread.

 

4.  And it follows that, if I don't regard my own personal experiences as likely to be of much help in setting out the 'map', then I don't much care what other individuals 'believe', either, nor what 'postings' they 'like', as this isn't about them, really, is it? 

 

5.  Or maybe it is, but not with the intent of helping the person who asked the question?  (a rhetorical question)

 

6.  And if anyone posts on their AVEN profile, for instance, that they'd like to 'gain knowlege' or 'make friends' here, posting a 'trashing' on the basis of a declared failure to understand - but never to have asked the poster privately first to explain - and/or 'liking' someone for doing that, doesn't seem to me to be a very productive way of going about either objective.

 

7.  Maybe excercising social skills, and having an enquiring mind, might have something to do with the outcomes in one's life.  🙂  There's always time to learn, while you're young and you still know everything 🙂

 

PAX VOBISCUM

[TrippleL]

52 minutes ago, Paula @ BH said:

And if anyone posts on their AVEN profile, for instance, that they'd like to 'gain knowlege' or 'make friends' here, posting a 'trashing' on the basis of a declared failure to understand - but never to have asked the poster privately first to explain - and/or 'liking' someone for doing that, doesn't seem to me to be a very productive way of going about either objective

I literally have no idea what just happened...

 

I’ll ask a moderator to check your public and private messages as I am feeling very uncomfortable with your tone and content.

[kiaroskuro]

Jesus Christ. First of all, I didn't 'trash' anyone's input.

On this particular occasion I felt the need to speak my mind - yes, even though nobody asked me to. Because I personally find it important that young people aren't made to believe that they have a disorder as soon as they deviate from the social norm, be it ever so slightly. Also, I don't see how Wikipedia is supposed to answer the OP's question any better than some of our forum members might.

 

1 hour ago, TrippleL said:

I’ll ask a moderator to check your public and private messages as I am feeling very uncomfortable with your tone and content.

Good idea.

[Skycaptain]

The forum moderator is offline at the moment. However please remember that if you are unhappy, just report posts. 

Taking a break from this thread for a few minutes may be helpful. Skycaptain moderator PPS 

[NickyTannock]

Locking this thread for 24 hours, because it had become heated. Remember to remain civil in your responses, and consider stepping away from a thread if it is frustrating you. The OP has been contacted.

 

Michael Tannock,

Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[NickyTannock]

Topic is now open. Please remember to keep your responses civil. If there are future incidents of hostility, or anything else against the ToS, the topic will be locked permanently.

 

Michael Tannock,

Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[HikaruBG]

Hey, OP, I actually can relate to you.

Long post ahead.

Disclaimer: English isn't my native language so please, bear it with me.

Like you, I'm in my early 20s and I'm too somewhat comfortable with my asexuality. However, I tend to question from time to time as well.

TMI under the spoiler.

Spoiler

Mostly when my hormones start to kick in and when I'm under huge stress, apparently (I figured this out literally those last 2 months, January and February 2019, when I had semestrial exams).  And even then, I still don't want s_x with anyone because I don't do the connection between that and them.

Itend to be sex-repulsed most of the time, but when that time of the month comes around, I shift to sex-aversed and become more responsive to stimulis (especially when I don't expect them). Even tho, I have no problems if others do it (as long it's legal), the very idea of me doing that repulses me either way.

 

A bit of info for me. This is actually an old account of mine, that I made... 2-3 years ago? I'm inactive because at the time, I didn't feel very comfortable in here (and still don't actually) but I didn't know why.

But even then, I find myself lurking around, reading tons of forums posts and debates which ironically helped me realize why I don't feel comfortable in here. For example, I read a lot of academic works and studies (thanks to Pramana who has extended knowledge on these), Ficto, Philip, CBC, Star Bit and many others (don’t be surprised is you see these names in the links I’m about to post). This is how I found this post too.

 

This brings me to my point. You aren't the only one who has asked a question like that - if physical response to people's bodies is a manifestation of sexual attraction, even when there is a disconnect between the mind and body. There are probably dozen of others who have shared similar experiences.

What I noticed is that people, who had asked a similar question (or at least some variant of it) like yours, are very far in between and I noticed that they too get very different responses as well.

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163097-attracted-to-body-parts

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/120639-have-you-experienced-physical-attraction-without-sexual-attraction/

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/106048-how-can-an-ace-be-aroused-by-a-person/

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/93245-unwanted-arousal-in-the-presence-of-attractive-people-tmi/

 

 

There are at least 2 more posts that I read but I can't find them for some reason now.

 

Edit: Found the posts.

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/113214-does-being-aroused-at-the-sight-of-people-mean-im-sexually-attracted-to-them/

 

Plenty of people in here would probably tell you that what you experience is indeed sexual attraction. Others, on other hand, will not.

You see, even AVEN is highly divided on what is “asexuality” and there are plenty of debates on this. So far, from what I saw, 2 main camps are being formed.

 

1. The "Attraction-only"
2. The "Desire-only"

Hence why I said that I don't feel uncomfortable being active in here - AVEN is constantly fighting over the definition of asexual which doesn't help me or people who are in similar situation.

 

Note: The link I’m going to give you now has 5 pages of comments and it’s only 1 post out of countless of other posts/debates that I have read.

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/144017-asexuality-has-nothing-to-do-with-sexual-attraction/

 

Now, IMO? Yes, you are definitely asexual. I’m saying this is because 1.) I relate to your experiences and know how much confused you are and 2.) the point behind asexuality (from what I understand) is that if you don't want s_x with anyone or anything and don't experience stress from not doing so, you are asexual. Sure, unlike you, I'm actually romantically attracted to others but I can definitely relate to you when it comes to the "sexual" thing. The disconnect that you are referring to is probably just arousal non-concordance which on it’s own is disconnection between mind and body.

 

Now, if you excuse me, I will go now.

 

P.S.: I will still watch/lurk around to see your comments,  however I probably won't respond you.

[Janus the Fox]

Topic locked as it’s over a year old without response.

 

Janus DarkFox, Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator