How to be fair with my partner

[redfox]

Married. Very happy. Good communication except for the topic of sex. I'm not sexual. she is. Long standing issue. I don't want to make her regret she picked me...having a "sexless life". Sex is SO important to everyone else. Not to me...and quite uncomfortable emotionally. No past abuse issues. Just really want to avoid sex and feel a lot of anxiety about the thought of trying to initiate, or talk my way out of it.

[blue dog]

your not alone. is she happy as things are ? has she or would she look else where , will she discuss that with you and how would you feel about that ?

[redfox]

In the past she has "threatened" to leave if things don't change and I always have said I WILL change and I never do. I think she just realized that I am fully committed to her--never looking at anyone else even for a second--LOYAL. And we have fun together! She finally asked ME to get married and I said Yes. Now I think she is thinking the same things---that she wishes I would be sexual. But she has not brought it up since marriage. I feel like I owe her more. Im scared to death to talk about it...maybe I need a mediator who understands me (counselor). We tried counseling years back and the topic of past abuse comes up. That's not my issue. 

[redfox]

I probably answered my own question. We need to talk openly about it. With a counselor who understands this...might help a lot.

[Spotastic]

2 hours ago, redfox said:

I probably answered my own question. We need to talk openly about it. With a counselor who understands this...might help a lot.

If you need a mediator, that sounds good. My wife is not asexual and I am, but she was the one who found this site and showed it to me, and then we talked a lot about how we each felt about sex. It took over a year to really figure out what works for each of us, although I know that sometimes she still wants more from me. Being able to talk about it with each other is the first step, though.

[redfox]

Thank you! Maybe I will show her this site and we can talk. Maybe she will see its not her. I will be willing to listen a lot. I appreciate your input.

[uhtred]

On 2/10/2019 at 6:31 PM, redfox said:

In the past she has "threatened" to leave if things don't change and I always have said I WILL change and I never do. I think she just realized that I am fully committed to her--never looking at anyone else even for a second--LOYAL. And we have fun together! She finally asked ME to get married and I said Yes. Now I think she is thinking the same things---that she wishes I would be sexual. But she has not brought it up since marriage. I feel like I owe her more. Im scared to death to talk about it...maybe I need a mediator who understands me (counselor). We tried counseling years back and the topic of past abuse comes up. That's not my issue. 

You need to talk to her.  TO her you are breaking promises and she probably doesn't understand why.  My wife is near asexual, and I spend most of our 30 years trying to figure out what *I* was doing wrong. I didn't talk about it much, didn't want to pressure her - I'd been told over and over *never* to pressure someone for sex. So I've spend most of my adult life feeling unloved. 

 

It was only recently I discovered asexuality and at least now I understand.   Does your wife? 

[Lunakat805]

I’m married and sex is our only issue too. We make compromises and take it day by day. I thought I was “broken” for years, but am slowly coming to terms with myself and a lot happier. He’s learning too. Not easy, but worth it.