Biggest problems with being asexual/the asexual community

[oldgeeza]

People asking me if "I think I'm into men" I think I'd have known that years ago, I'm asexual, I'm happy to look but not touch, I'm also ugly and totally unattractive to women (or men), I work long hours, work away from home, and, most of all, I have no interest in sexual intercourse, as most people are sexual, it would be unfair on a partner, so I'm happily single

[Grumpy Alien]

Okie dokie so I voted in this before but now that I'm on a PC, I can answer it better. However, I forget how I actually voted. So...

 

#notacebut these are what I feel were the problems I personally felt like I faced when I identified as asexual and/or feel are most prevalent and problematic in the community:

• People thinking it's a phase that you'll get over

I think this is a major fear/problem anyone identifying as asexual faces. I think this is due to actually immature teens and young adults - in the literal sense that they're slower to mature. See below.

• People thinking you're immature

Because sexuality is often seen as a sign of maturity, that can make people think lack of interest mean the person must not be grown up either physically or mentally. This is also made worse by the online asexual community. A lot of the examples people see are indeed immature because they're very young. (Most people active on the internet are!)

• People thinking it's a physical health problem (e.g. hormones)

If the idea of asexuality is foreign to you, you might think it's a hormone problem. Because that probably isn't as foreign of an idea. Hormones can increase or decrease libido and people know that. So that's an easy conclusion to jump to, attempting to solve a problem that doesn't exist. It's not usually malicious to insinuate this idea but it can feel like who you are is being dismissed and be very hurtful. My mom, who has always supported everything in my life, initially asked if I thought my then lack of libido/sexual interest was due to my existing hormone problems. I didn't and she accepted that. Some people aren't as willing to believe it's not a symptom of an illness though.

• A lack of accurate representation in media

Sex sells. Perhaps less than media moguls think it does but what they think sells is what we get. So most characters in fiction are pretty sexual. (And that's coming from a sexual's perspective, mind you.) When you do have an "asexual" character, it's not representative. They're every single stereotype which makes them very unrealistic. Asexuality can be just as varied as any other orientation. You can have an asexual sex worker, a gorgeous asexual who cares about their looks, an asexual who quite frankly isn't very bright, an asexual who doesn't even know what autism is... Or the opposite. Just replace asexual with gay or trans and you'll get the picture. Media hasn't gotten there yet because maybe they don't think that story is interesting enough to grab viewers/buyers. Normal doesn't sell. 

• Trouble finding a romantic partner who's fine with no sex

For romantic aces? That's a big worry. How many asexuals do you know in real life? Usually not many, if any. If you do, you probably met them online first. "What are the chances I'll find someone I like that actually might be interested in me that wouldn't mind no sex/less sex/compromise?" That was a constant worry for me for years. I didn't date. I thought I'd be forever alone.

• Trouble finding sexual partners who are fine with you feeling no attraction

See above. This is an even bigger worry. "Who wants to be with someone who can't fully reciprocate the same feelings they have for you?" If you entertain the idea of entering a relationship with someone who isn't asexual, this is a major concern.

• Limited family options (e.g. finding a compatible co-parent, less opportunity to conceive, etc)

A lot of asexuals may not want families and that's fine. But what about the ones who do? They have to think about options. They have to think about the literal and figurative prices of said options. Those are big af decisions. 

• Internal disagreements within the community (definitions, inclusion, etc)

Does asexuality belong in the LGBT+ community? Do you identify as LGBT+ as an asexual? Should LGBT+ members who aren't asexual be on AVEN? Should sexuals be on AVEN? Asexuals vs Sexuals: The Musical? WHAT EVEN IS THE DEFINITION OF ASEXUALITY?

 

 

 

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[Homer]

The only option that applied to me was the one about internal disagreements, so that's what I picked.

[MollyDMA]

I have a coworker that kept on asking questions on what I find attractive, or don't in this context. She kept on going on about what guys are hot and which ones aren't and then, to try to get her to shut up, I told her I was not interested because I was ace. Instead of shutting up, she kept on going on how she can't believe it and it's hard to wrap her head around the idea of not being attracted to someone.

[andreas1033]

People somehow thinking at 43, you will suddenly change your mind on being asexual, when there is absolutely no chance i will ever consider changing my mind till i die.

 

It never stops, when people know what you are.

 

You always have to keep proving your not interested in females.

 

Do not know about you asexuals, who stay alone all your life, but its one of the worst things about other people, and them knowing about you.

 

No, i will not ever be changing my mind, ever, till i die.

[cosmosredshift7]

The ABSOLUTE WORST is ace/aro exclusionists. WHY do allosexual+alloromantic lgbtqia+ people feel  the ABSOLUTE need to gatekeep? does it give them a good feeling, thinking they're "more deserving" of the community? 🙄

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I don't see it there but my pet hate is a mixture of the above. Feeling excluded and judged by allos here of all places!

[alaenya]

I'm fairly fine being an ace, though I did come across some not exactly positive reactions from the few people that I came out to. Still, nothing all too horrible.

 

For me, the biggest problem has always been loneliness. Not so much at the moment, but I'm kinda scared of that moment in my life when all my friends get married and have kids and no time or even need to meet up with me. None of them are aro/aces sadly

[iff]

@Snao Cone

 

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iff, Census Forum Moderator