What is your experience of sensual attraction/activity?

[BeakLove]

Hello. One of the things that I've noticed regularly pops up in discussions here is the notion of sensual attraction, as distinct from sexual attraction. I'd like to understand it a bit better, so I'd be curious as to people's thoughts on the following:

 

(1) How do you experience sensual activity and with whom? How intimate are you willing to get?

(2) Why does sensual activity hold an appeal to you? What do you feel you "get" out of it. (I appreciate that's a difficult question).

(3)  If you are asexual, and only experience sensual attraction towards the sex to whom you are romantically attracted, why do you think that is? 

[Iam9man]

I see sensual attraction as wanting to make physical contact with someone (lovingly?), without any desire for sex; e.g. cuddling or holding hands.

 

When I feel sensual attraction I feel “good” when I make contact with the person; like a physical way of expressing love, I guess.

 

I think I only experience sensual attraction to women I am romantically attracted to, so I guess both forms of attraction are linked. I can experience aesthetic attraction without the other two.

[RoseGoesToYale]

1) I've never really gotten close enough to someone to do anything sensual beyond hugging (unless dreams count, it's happened there a lot), but I do experience sensual attraction. I would go as far as kissing (closed mouth, not sure about french kissing), hugging, cuddling, or anything really as long as it's above the waist. Clothes should probably stay on, too.

 

2) Physical touch just feels good to me, like a rush of euphoria. It's almost like a high. I'm also touch starved, so the tiniest of touches is enough to make me feel it.

 

3) I'm only sensually attracted to guys, and for me romantic attraction is always accompanied by sensual attraction, but sometimes I experience sensual attraction with no desire for a relationship (more of a fantasy thing). Physical touch with women feels nice, but it doesn't produce the same euphoria. I guess it has to do with being close to someone physically different than myself.

[General]

10 hours ago, BeakLove said:

Hello. One of the things that I've noticed regularly pops up in discussions here is the notion of sensual attraction, as distinct from sexual attraction. I'd like to understand it a bit better, so I'd be curious as to people's thoughts on the following:

 

(1) How do you experience sensual activity and with whom? How intimate are you willing to get?

(2) Why does sensual activity hold an appeal to you? What do you feel you "get" out of it. (I appreciate that's a difficult question).

(3)  If you are asexual, and only experience sensual attraction towards the sex to whom you are romantically attracted, why do you think that is? 

Just so it's clear how I identify, I'm a masculine afab nonbinary demiromantic asexual autochorissexual who is exclusively attracted to cis women.  Yeah, that's a lot of terms, and it took me 32 years to figure all that out.  Turning 34 next month and who knows, I might discover something else.

 

I haven't had a partner yet.  I'm the definition of kissless, dateless, virgin, but I've experienced some sensual activity when someone I'm comfortable with touches me in a "flirtatious" manner and I reciprocate.  As far as how intimate I'm willing to get goes, I haven't really done much of anything so I can't say for sure.  I'm interested in hugging, kissing (no tongue), body kisses, cuddling, spooning, caressing, massages, and holding hands.  I'm also willing to engage in dry humping, grinding, breast stimulation of my partner, and being topless with said partner.  As long as everyone's downstairs bits are clothed in some way I'm okay.

 

Sensual activity appeals to me because it creates a strong emotional bond between people.  I'm connecting to another person.  I also experience intense physical arousal, but I don't desire to have sex.  The arousal drives me to be sensual with that person, not sexual.

 

I honestly don't know why I'm this way.  That's like asking a gay person why they're gay.  They just are.  It's probably some sort of genetic hormonal differentiation that occurred in utero.  All I know is I'm attracted to the cis female physique and identity.  

[BeakLove]

55 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

Just so it's clear how I identify, I'm a masculine afab nonbinary demiromantic asexual autochorissexual who is exclusively attracted to cis women.  Yeah, that's a lot of terms, and it took me 32 years to figure all that out.  Turning 34 next month and who knows, I might discover something else.

 

I haven't had a partner yet.  I'm the definition of kissless, dateless, virgin, but I've experienced some sensual activity when someone I'm comfortable with touches me in a "flirtatious" manner and I reciprocate.  As far as how intimate I'm willing to get goes, I haven't really done much of anything so I can't say for sure.  I'm interested in hugging, kissing (no tongue), body kisses, cuddling, spooning, caressing, massages, and holding hands.  I'm also willing to engage in dry humping, grinding, breast stimulation of my partner, and being topless with said partner.  As long as everyone's downstairs bits are clothed in some way I'm okay.

 

Sensual activity appeals to me because it creates a strong emotional bond between people.  I'm connecting to another person.  I also experience intense physical arousal, but I don't desire to have sex.  The arousal drives me to be sensual with that person, not sexual.

 

I honestly don't know why I'm this way.  That's like asking a gay person why they're gay.  They just are.  It's probably some sort of genetic hormonal differentiation that occurred in utero.  All I know is I'm attracted to the cis female physique and identity.  

Thank you for the response. Yes that's quite a bundle of terms! I had to Google the last one. 😃

 

So I am not misrepresenting you, for the purpose of my reply I am taking it you are:

• someone for whom romantic inclinations only enter the picture after becoming emotionally intimate.
• a biological female, but identify with neither sex.
• enjoy erotic/sexual media and experience sexual arousal (possibly including masturbating) but with no concomitant desire to engage in actual sex acts with other people.
• attracted romantically only to other biological females.

May I ask, when you say that you experience "intense physical arousal" - are you suggesting it is a sexual (or pseudo-sexual, perhaps) response. Something along the lines of the arousal that you may get from consuming erotic media, for example? Or it is another kind of physical arousal? If it's not too personal, how far down that list of activities have you actually been with someone in reality? I think for asexual people (and sexual people tbf), we form a set of expectation as to what physical intimacy will be like. Do you feel like the things you've experienced thus far match what you expected?

 

The question as to why we orient towards one or both sexes is an interesting one that doesn't really have a clear answer. But if we take it as a given that most people have an orientation of some description, it becomes interesting to see how their pattern of attraction manifests. The "romantic" (probably more aptly called 'coupling') orientation basically shadows sexual orientation for the vast majority of people, which is why it's natural for the typical sexual person to express their romantic preference in terms of sexual compatibility. Likewise, on here, many people express their romantic preferences in terms of a sensual compatibility ("with a romantic partner I would like to cuddle, hug, kiss etc."). But of course, since none of those things are necessarily sexual, the question of what force is "orienting" them appears.  

 

[BeakLove]

11 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

1) I've never really gotten close enough to someone to do anything sensual beyond hugging (unless dreams count, it's happened there a lot), but I do experience sensual attraction. I would go as far as kissing (closed mouth, not sure about french kissing), hugging, cuddling, or anything really as long as it's above the waist. Clothes should probably stay on, too.

Hello. Thanks for replying. Well clothes only really need to deliberately come off for sex as a practical requirement of engaging in it. But would you be comfortable engaging in any of those actions with few (or no) clothes on - as an incidental fact -, even if there was demonstrably no expectation of sex? Or do you find the notion of seeing more of a body (or touching more of the raw skin) to be off-putting; deleterious to your sensual experience?

 

Quote

2) Physical touch just feels good to me, like a rush of euphoria. It's almost like a high. I'm also touch starved, so the tiniest of touches is enough to make me feel it.

Do you find the idea of being close to someone holds appeal more as an emotional thing (we're sharing the same physical space - we're together) or is it more for the gratifying effect? As you say, even the tiniest touch invokes a rush, a high, a dopamine hit as it were. 

 

[General]

24 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

Thank you for the response. Yes that's quite a bundle of terms! I had to Google the last one. 😃

 

So I am not misrepresenting you, for the purpose of my reply I am taking it you are:

• someone for whom romantic inclinations only enter the picture after becoming emotionally intimate.
• a biological female, but identify with neither sex.
• enjoy erotic/sexual media and experience sexual arousal (possibly including masturbating) but with no concomitant desire to engage in actual sex acts with other people.
• attracted romantically only to other biological females.

May I ask, when you say that you experience "intense physical arousal" - are you suggesting it is a sexual (or pseudo-sexual, perhaps) response. Something along the lines of the arousal that you may get from consuming erotic media, for example? Or it is another kind of physical arousal? If it's not too personal, how far down that list of activities have you actually been with someone in reality? I think for asexual people (and sexual people tbf), we form a set of expectation as to what physical intimacy will be like. Do you feel like the things you've experienced thus far match what you expected?

 

The question as to why we orient towards one or both sexes is an interesting one that doesn't really have a clear answer. But if we take it as a given that most people have an orientation of some description, it becomes interesting to see how their pattern of attraction manifests. The "romantic" (probably more aptly called 'coupling') orientation basically shadows sexual orientation for the vast majority of people, which is why it's natural for the typical sexual person to express their romantic preference in terms of sexual compatibility. Likewise, on here, many people express their romantic preferences in terms of a sensual compatibility ("with a romantic partner I would like to cuddle, hug, kiss etc."). But of course, since none of those things are necessarily sexual, the question of what force is "orienting" them appears.  

 

· Yes, I only experience romantic/sensual attraction after I've formed a strong emotional bond.

 

· Yes, I was assigned female at birth, but I don't know what it means to feel like a man or woman in regards to gender.  My mind doesn't tell me I'm a man or a woman exclusively.  I'm okay with the knowledge that I was born in a female body, however I don't feel I should look "standard female."  My physique should be androgynous, leaning towards masculine.  I'd rather people not be able to tell what my birth sex is.

 

· Yes I can enjoy erotic/sexual media,  experience sexual arousal, and masturbate without feeling sexual attraction or the desire to seek out partners for gratification.

 

· And yes, I am only attracted to people assigned female at birth who also identify as women.

 

I believe I experience physical arousal the same as most sexual people do.  However, female erections are not commonly discussed, and that is a very typical occurrence for me.  In fact, that is the main indication of arousal in my case.  It produces a tingling, warm sensation in the genital area, which radiates throughout the body from head to toe.  I'm assuming I'm being flooded with oxytocin in that state of arousal.

 

I've only had a couple of close hugs, some caresses on the hands, arms, legs, face, back, and upper chest.  I experienced mutual intense eye-contact.  I found myself laying in bed with a girl who gave me a foot massage.  A few girls sat on my lap.  One grinded on me while dancing.  Another straddled me while I was lying down, then proceded to grope my entire chest.  I wasn't very impressed with that last interaction because I haven't had top surgery yet.  I don't like my whole chest being touched in the female state it's currently in.

 

I never expected any kind of intimacy from anyone.  I never even thought about what it would be like.  It all just happened because these girls initiated the interaction, and I accepted it.  They came to me, not the other way around.  I'm not the type to make a move, I'm on the shy side.  I also don't want to be seen as an aggressor or disrespectful towards women in any way.  I enjoyed those interactions immensely, except for that last one I mentioned.

 

Just for context, I didn't experience romantic/sensual attraction until I was 21 yrs old.  That was the first time a girl made a move on me, and I felt arousal because of an actual living person instead of erotic/sexual media.  I didn't know I liked women, even though I had been gravitating toward them since I was much younger.  I believe asexuality was the reason why I was clueless.  It's more difficult to figure out what your attractions are when you're not sexually attracted.

[General]

12 hours ago, Ace9 said:

I see sensual attraction as wanting to make physical contact with someone (lovingly?), without any desire for sex; e.g. cuddling or holding hands.

 

When I feel sensual attraction I feel “good” when I make contact with the person; like a physical way of expressing love, I guess.

 

I think I only experience sensual attraction to women I am romantically attracted to, so I guess both forms of attraction are linked. I can experience aesthetic attraction without the other two.

👌 Exactly!  All of this!  🙌

[RoseGoesToYale]

48 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

Hello. Thanks for replying. Well clothes only really need to deliberately come off for sex as a practical requirement of engaging in it. But would you be comfortable engaging in any of those actions with few (or no) clothes on - as an incidental fact -, even if there was demonstrably no expectation of sex? Or do you find the notion of seeing more of a body (or touching more of the raw skin) to be off-putting; deleterious to your sensual experience?

If I knew 100% that sex would not happen, I might be okay with some clothes off. I think shirts off would be okay... main thing is I don't want to see genitals, I find them off putting. Everything down there needs to stay covered in some fashion.

 

56 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

Do you find the idea of being close to someone holds appeal more as an emotional thing (we're sharing the same physical space - we're together) or is it more for the gratifying effect? As you say, even the tiniest touch invokes a rush, a high, a dopamine hit as it were.

I think it's both. I would never want to be sensual with someone I didn't know well, where I could tell their emotions and intent, so there's definitely an emotional aspect to it.

[Ytterbium]

Honestly, sexual and sensual attraction are equally foreign to me. I have absolutely no problem with high-fives, fist bumps etc., but anything beyond that is too much for me. (Although, I may change my opinion, if I ever end up living with someone.)

I still sort of enjoy it when my crush/squish touches me, but that's only because I know they mean it in a good way.

[BeakLove]

50 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

I believe I experience physical arousal the same as most sexual people do.  However, female erections are not commonly discussed, and that is a very typical occurrence for me.  In fact, that is the main indication of arousal in my case.  It produces a tingling, warm sensation in the genital area, which radiates throughout the body from head to toe.  I'm assuming I'm being flooded with oxytocin in that state of arousal.

[...]

Just for context, I didn't experience romantic/sensual attraction until I was 21 yrs old.  That was the first time a girl made a move on me, and I felt arousal because of an actual living person instead of erotic/sexual media.  I didn't know I liked women, even though I had been gravitating toward them since I was much younger.  I believe asexuality was the reason why I was clueless.  It's more difficult to figure out what your attractions are when you're not sexually attracted.

I suppose in your case it would thus be fair to say that most of those acts are arousing in the same sense as sex, then?

 

 Many of the actions you describe as being acceptable/pleasurable constitute for sexual people, the foreplay element: preparing the body for the sex it's about to receive. But your desire for such actions clearly stops short of the actual sex act, and you have no compulsion to travel further along this route. Thus: asexual. I suppose in this case, the distinction between sensual and sexual becomes the literal penetrative or genital contact acts, which is actually a rather narrow set of activities (but the physical activities many people consider to be most important). I would probably consider those acts to belong to the same class of activity, but I guess it's an issue of intent and the type of gratification you're receiving. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

[BeakLove]

12 minutes ago, Ytterbium said:

Honestly, sexual and sensual attraction are equally foreign to me. I have absolutely no problem with high-fives, fist bumps etc., but anything beyond that is too much for me. (Although, I may change my opinion, if I ever end up living with someone.)

I still sort of enjoy it when my crush/squish touches me, but that's only because I know they mean it in a good way.

Hiya Ytterbium. Do you think you're adverse to those types of activities or is do you feel it's just because you haven't experienced them (in particular with someone you live with/love)? I ask only because I think anything beyond a high-five or fist-bump is too much for most people with relative strangers or acquaintances. Even with friends, the scope of acceptable physical actions is usually fairly limited (a hug here or there, a bit of rough-housing, a cheeky peck, etc.)

[General]

1 hour ago, BeakLove said:

I suppose in your case it would thus be fair to say that most of those acts are arousing in the same sense as sex, then?

 

 Many of the actions you describe as being acceptable/pleasurable constitute for sexual people, the foreplay element: preparing the body for the sex it's about to receive. But your desire for such actions clearly stops short of the actual sex act, and you have no compulsion to travel further along this route. Thus: asexual. I suppose in this case, the distinction between sensual and sexual becomes the literal penetrative or genital contact acts, which is actually a rather narrow set of activities (but the physical activities many people consider to be most important). I would probably consider those acts to belong to the same class of activity, but I guess it's an issue of intent and the type of gratification you're receiving. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

I don't have anything to compare my experience of arousal to.  So I suppose I'll have to assume that I'm being aroused by sensual activities similar to how a sexual person would be.  *shrugs*

 

Right, I'm pretty much just interested in the foreplay portion of physical intimacy.  I don't feel the need to take things any further.  I am already fulfilled at that point.  The intimacy stops making sense to my brain if I go all the way.  The reason being that since I can achieve orgasms on my own, I don't need to have sex with a partner.  Sex in my view is strictly about pleasure and orgasms, that is, if we aren't speaking of having children.  If I can give myself pleasure, then there's no need to bring others into the equation.  I can love someone, be physically intimate, and also have a deep emotional connection with them without having sex.  What I desire from a partner are the things that I can't give myself.

 

Thanks for creating this thread.  This is something I wanted to talk about for a while now. 👍

[BeakLove]

57 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

Right, I'm pretty much just interested in the foreplay portion of physical intimacy.  I don't feel the need to take things any further.  I am already fulfilled at that point.  The intimacy stops making sense to my brain if I go all the way.  The reason being that since I can achieve orgasms on my own, I don't need to have sex with a partner.  Sex in my view is strictly about pleasure and orgasms, that is, if we aren't speaking of having children.  If I can give myself pleasure, then there's no need to bring others into the equation.  I can love someone, be physically intimate, and also have a deep emotional connection with them without having sex.  What I desire from a partner are the things that I can't give myself.

 

Thanks for creating this thread.  This is something I wanted to talk about for a while now. 👍

You are welcome. I really enjoy having these (sometimes difficult!) conversations with people. 🙂

 

When you're engaging with other people in the intimacies do you enjoy giving them pleasure too, or is it more about what you're receiving? Do you think if a potential partner desired physically intimacy beyond foreplay you'd be willing to consider it or it would be a complete no-go? I only ask because you're comfortable with masturbation and providing your own pleasure, so there's no general aversion to sex things completely. 

[TrippleL]

7 hours ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

Right, I'm pretty much just interested in the foreplay portion of physical intimacy.  I don't feel the need to take things any further.  I am already fulfilled at that point.  The intimacy stops making sense to my brain if I go all the way.  The reason being that since I can achieve orgasms on my own, I don't need to have sex with a partner.  Sex in my view is strictly about pleasure and orgasms, that is, if we aren't speaking of having children.  If I can give myself pleasure, then there's no need to bring others into the equation.  I can love someone, be physically intimate, and also have a deep emotional connection with them without having sex.  What I desire from a partner are the things that I can't give myself.

100% the same here 🙂

[General]

17 hours ago, BeakLove said:

You are welcome. I really enjoy having these (sometimes difficult!) conversations with people. 🙂

 

When you're engaging with other people in the intimacies do you enjoy giving them pleasure too, or is it more about what you're receiving? Do you think if a potential partner desired physically intimacy beyond foreplay you'd be willing to consider it or it would be a complete no-go? I only ask because you're comfortable with masturbation and providing your own pleasure, so there's no general aversion to sex things completely. 

Deep, meaningful conversations are something I desire to have frequently but rarely get the opportunity to engage in.  It's rather unfortunate.

 

Honestly, I would love to give a partner sensual pleasure and romance.  I don't just want to receive, I'm definitely a giver.  When I tried to reciprocate with the girls I mentioned, they didn't fully engage.  They didn't let me please them.  I was in situations with girls that I now believe were just experimenting with their sexuality, and just took my emotions along for the ride.  The first was a sort of confused lesbian no-label, then a couple others were seemingly bi-curious "straight" girls.  I found out later that they were all a hot mess and weren't compatible with me anyway. 😢

 

I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel if a partner wanted to go further.  It use to be a HUGE deal-breaker for me up until just recently when a queer friend suggested that I could use sex toys in the bedroom.  That way I could give and receive sexual pleasure without actually having skin on skin genital contact.  I think that's something that could work, but my asexual brain would still have a difficult time processing the interaction.

 

Even though I've never had sex before, I know I'm a "top" because I have a dominant personality.  I also don't like penetration.  My partner would have to be patient with me and teach me how to please her.  I'd have to learn that it's okay to do the things she wants me to do with her.  I've always kept my hands and eyes to myself to avoid offending women, so I know I'm going to be a bit timid at first if I ever do go all the way.

[Sweet Potato]

sensual attraction/desire is very rare for me. I'm more of a don't touch me beyond a platonic hug kind of person. on the odd occasion I do feel sensual attraction it is to someone I have a good romantic relationship with and is limited to hugs, cuddles, light kisses. 
what I get out of it is simply a feeling of closeness and shared intimacy. 

[BeakLove]

5 hours ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

Honestly, I would love to give a partner sensual pleasure and romance.  I don't just want to receive, I'm definitely a giver.  When I tried to reciprocate with the girls I mentioned, they didn't fully engage.  They didn't let me please them.  I was in situations with girls that I now believe were just experimenting with their sexuality, and just took my emotions along for the ride.  The first was a sort of confused lesbian no-label, then a couple others were seemingly bi-curious "straight" girls.  I found out later that they were all a hot mess and weren't compatible with me anyway. 😢

That's a bit rough. Never nice to feel like you're simply being "used". Do you feel, with the passage of time, that perhaps they viewed these actions more "innocently" or were they quite definitively in contexts that were sensual/sexual in nature, where the base expectation was an interaction with erotic intent? I suppose negotiation of those encounters is fraught with danger in any case.

 

Quote

I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel if a partner wanted to go further.  It use to be a HUGE deal-breaker for me up until just recently when a queer friend suggested that I could use sex toys in the bedroom.  That way I could give and receive sexual pleasure without actually having skin on skin genital contact.  I think that's something that could work, but my asexual brain would still have a difficult time processing the interaction.

 

I see. That's very interesting.

 

So for you it's very much primarily down to not wishing to have that direct genital contact with a partner more than anything else? Not that you have to "justify" it (we're all entitled to our own boundaries and preferences) but could you fathom any sort of guess as to why? I think many asexual people on here would probably not even allow interactions to get that far: the contemplation of any sexual act is too much. Obviously, receiving/giving pleasure from a partner while using a toy is not skin contact and still maintains that distance, but it is still someone else pleasuring you, or you them. I totally get why it's a bit hard to imagine: any novel experience like that which pushes up against the conceptual boundaries of your identity is bound to cause some questions.

 

Quote

Even though I've never had sex before, I know I'm a "top" because I have a dominant personality.  I also don't like penetration.  My partner would have to be patient with me and teach me how to please her.  I'd have to learn that it's okay to do the things she wants me to do with her.  I've always kept my hands and eyes to myself to avoid offending women, so I know I'm going to be a bit timid at first if I ever do go all the way. 

Hopefully, if you ever do get to that point, you would find someone who understands and would be willing to be patient. The best lovers actually tell you what they want rather than expecting you to mind read!!! 🙂

 

 

[griffinej5]

On 2/9/2019 at 1:43 AM, BeakLove said:

 

(1) How do you experience sensual activity and with whom? How intimate are you willing to get?

I don’t really. I don’t really like people touching me, or in my personal space. There are some friends who i am sort of neutral feeling in terms of them touching me, like hugging me or something, but it’s not generally something i seek out. To me this is like, on the rare occasion I’m seeking this, what I’m actually seeking is the deep pressure, and not  really the human connection of it. There are some people who physically it feels like they make my skin crawl if they touch me, and some i just feel like this if they’re standing behind me. If you’re not in the skin crawly category for me, I’ll begrudge you of it if it really makes you happy. 

(2) Why does sensual activity hold an appeal to you? What do you feel you "get" out of it. (I appreciate that's a difficult question).

See above. This has no real appeal for me, aside from the occasional appeal of getting deep pressure from hugs, and if I’m going to do that, it has to be someone i like in order to fulfill that. But that could be a friend in a completely platonic way. I don’t think i feel functionally different about it than i do if I were to ask a friend to pull on my arm to pop my shoulder joint. 

(3)  If you are asexual, and only experience sensual attraction towards the sex to whom you are romantically attracted, why do you think that is? This one doesn’t really apply. I don’t really have this.  There are some people I find attractive looking, some male and some female, but i don’t want to do anything with them of any sort . 

 

[General]

23 hours ago, BeakLove said:

That's a bit rough. Never nice to feel like you're simply being "used". Do you feel, with the passage of time, that perhaps they viewed these actions more "innocently" or were they quite definitively in contexts that were sensual/sexual in nature, where the base expectation was an interaction with erotic intent? I suppose negotiation of those encounters is fraught with danger in any case.

 

I see. That's very interesting.

 

So for you it's very much primarily down to not wishing to have that direct genital contact with a partner more than anything else? Not that you have to "justify" it (we're all entitled to our own boundaries and preferences) but could you fathom any sort of guess as to why? I think many asexual people on here would probably not even allow interactions to get that far: the contemplation of any sexual act is too much. Obviously, receiving/giving pleasure from a partner while using a toy is not skin contact and still maintains that distance, but it is still someone else pleasuring you, or you them. I totally get why it's a bit hard to imagine: any novel experience like that which pushes up against the conceptual boundaries of your identity is bound to cause some questions.

 

Hopefully, if you ever do get to that point, you would find someone who understands and would be willing to be patient. The best lovers actually tell you what they want rather than expecting you to mind read!!! 🙂

 

 

Those interactions were definitely not innocent on their part.  They were openly being flirtatious/sensual/sexual and trying to get me to react.  Also, they were all single at the time.  I mean, what else was I suppose to think their intentions were?

 

I don't desire bare skin genital contact, or rear contact.... no contact with orifices of any sort.  Nothing about those areas appeal to me.  Over the years I've become a huge germaphobe, starting in 2009 due to an illness, so that really doesn't help the situation.  Genitalia doesn't aesthetically please me, so therefore I don't want to interact with it.  I also think it's weird behavior to put body parts into other people's body parts.  I don't understand what makes anyone want to do that.

 

I know that many aces would not even consider that sort of interaction, and that was also my way of thinking up until less than two months ago.  I fear not being able to find a partner unless I'm willing to compromise.  My ideal partner is someone like me who is a sensual/romantic ace.  A person who doesn't require sex to be happy in a relationship.  Suppose I fall in love with a demisexual ace?  I don't want to pass up an opportunity for a loving relationship just because I can't "perform."  I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to be alone forever.  This is my dilemma.

 

 

[Anonymous123456]

On 2/9/2019 at 6:43 AM, BeakLove said:

Hello. One of the things that I've noticed regularly pops up in discussions here is the notion of sensual attraction, as distinct from sexual attraction. I'd like to understand it a bit better, so I'd be curious as to people's thoughts on the following:

 

(1) How do you experience sensual activity and with whom? How intimate are you willing to get?

(2) Why does sensual activity hold an appeal to you? What do you feel you "get" out of it. (I appreciate that's a difficult question).

(3)  If you are asexual, and only experience sensual attraction towards the sex to whom you are romantically attracted, why do you think that is? 

Sorry that I’m late to this  but it’s an interesting topic.

 

I’ve only recently accepted my asexuality, but I’ll answer these questions to the best of my ability and limited understanding.

 

1) I’m a heteroromantic asexual (which means I can be romantically attracted to females) so I only really feel comfortable in that sense around females - but this doesn’t necessarily mean I’m romantically attracted to that person in particular. To put it more clearly: I wouldn’t feel comfortable cuddling with a man, in any context: romantic or friendly. I’m interpreting ‘sensual’ to mean a sort of personal intimacy, and I can get this from shows of affection e.g. hugging. I’ve never kissed before but I wouldn’t go there. It doesn’t really appeal to me personally.

 

2) I suppose it’s just the feeling of affection and intimacy for me. It means more than ordinary displays of affection e.g. a pat on the back or a playful nudge etc. I don’t do these things for any sort of gratification (as I’m usually too scared to initiate anything), but it’s followed by a warming feeling of pleasantness which is nice. It’s hard to pin it down exactly. It just feels nice to be physically close to someone you care about.

 

3) Hmm. Good question. Especially as I have spent most of my life (I’m 18) around males. I’ve only really befriended girls in the past couple of years too. I suppose it’s because I never had romantic feelings for boys, and always associated sensuality with romance. Therefore, sensual things only feel right with my preferred sex (the opposite). Not sure if that makes sense or answers your question exactly. 

 

That certainly made me think about things! I’m not sure if this is a correct distinction to make, but in my mind at least there is a difference between romantic and sensual attraction. What I’ve been trying to say is I feel comfortable being intimate with people (i.e. hugging, cuddling etc) but this does not necessary translate into romantic attraction too. Some people I just want to be intimate (as already defined) with because I really like them and want to convey my affection. It doesn’t mean I wish to be in a relationship with them. 

[BeakLove]

On 2/13/2019 at 2:19 AM, grigor1860 said:

1) I’m a heteroromantic asexual (which means I can be romantically attracted to females) so I only really feel comfortable in that sense around females - but this doesn’t necessarily mean I’m romantically attracted to that person in particular. To put it more clearly: I wouldn’t feel comfortable cuddling with a man, in any context: romantic or friendly. I’m interpreting ‘sensual’ to mean a sort of personal intimacy, and I can get this from shows of affection e.g. hugging. I’ve never kissed before but I wouldn’t go there. It doesn’t really appeal to me personally.

 

2) I suppose it’s just the feeling of affection and intimacy for me. It means more than ordinary displays of affection e.g. a pat on the back or a playful nudge etc. I don’t do these things for any sort of gratification (as I’m usually too scared to initiate anything), but it’s followed by a warming feeling of pleasantness which is nice. It’s hard to pin it down exactly. It just feels nice to be physically close to someone you care about.

 

3) Hmm. Good question. Especially as I have spent most of my life (I’m 18) around males. I’ve only really befriended girls in the past couple of years too. I suppose it’s because I never had romantic feelings for boys, and always associated sensuality with romance. Therefore, sensual things only feel right with my preferred sex (the opposite). Not sure if that makes sense or answers your question exactly. 

 

That certainly made me think about things! I’m not sure if this is a correct distinction to make, but in my mind at least there is a difference between romantic and sensual attraction. What I’ve been trying to say is I feel comfortable being intimate with people (i.e. hugging, cuddling etc) but this does not necessary translate into romantic attraction too. Some people I just want to be intimate (as already defined) with because I really like them and want to convey my affection. It doesn’t mean I wish to be in a relationship with them. 

Thanks for the response. I suppose what you're suggesting is that you would only engage in sensual activities with the sex to whom you are romantically attracted, but you don't necessarily need to be romantically attracted to the individual in question to participate? Analogous to how sexual people can have sex without wishing for a further relationship, but only with people of the sex with whom they'd ever consider it (which trivially, is the one to whom they're sexually attracted).

 

How much experience have you had with these sensual interactions? 

[BeakLove]

27 minutes ago, CBC said:

I'm not asexual, but my theory on that is that it's a consequence of an individual still having what would've otherwise developed into some other sexual orientation (hetero/homo/bi), but for whatever reason (neurotransmitter responses?), the sexuality component didn't really happen. 

Yeah, that does seem to gel with what some of the other contributors have said: that it lines up with their romantic/sexual orientation. 

[Anonymous123456]

6 hours ago, BeakLove said:

Thanks for the response. I suppose what you're suggesting is that you would only engage in sensual activities with the sex to whom you are romantically attracted, but you don't necessarily need to be romantically attracted to the individual in question to participate? Analogous to how sexual people can have sex without wishing for a further relationship, but only with people of the sex with whom they'd ever consider it (which trivially, is the one to whom they're sexually attracted).

 

How much experience have you had with these sensual interactions? 

Relatively little admittedly. Only with two girls, both of whom I was decent friends with. And neither of which I wished to pursue a relationship with.

 

And yes, you definitely managed to simplify my thoughts a lot better than I did! You got it spot-on.

[grey goose]

(1) How do you experience sensual activity and with whom? How intimate are you willing to get?   I'v not dated for 16 years now but when I did I was still sexual and would respond to my SO's requests for and desires for sex. So I assume I still have demi sexual potential but only desire intimate proximity, back rubs, hugging, snuggling, playing with hair etc. 

(2) Why does sensual activity hold an appeal to you? What do you feel you "get" out of it. (I appreciate that's a difficult question). Feeling empathic and caring about another produced tenderness and a desire to be close for me. Same sort of desire I have to hug my dog when she is acting very endearing and sweet.

(3)  If you are asexual, and only experience sensual attraction towards the sex to whom you are romantically attracted, why do you think that is? That question is like asking why some people don't like seafood. For me it is the emotional bond I can have with women and my love for their physique. 

[blueyoshi]

I experience sensual attraction towards people I am romantically interested in. When I am sensually attracted to someone, I daydream about hugging, cuddling and handholding with them. If I get to do these things I feel very happy and emotionally fulfilled. 

[General]

3 hours ago, blueyoshi said:

I experience sensual attraction towards people I am romantically interested in. When I am sensually attracted to someone, I daydream about hugging, cuddling and handholding with them. If I get to do these things I feel very happy and emotionally fulfilled. 

ALL OF THIS 🙌

[NickyTannock]

Unfortunately, in my case, I've never experienced either Sexual Attraction or Sensual Attraction.
I'm not touch averse though, so I'll pretty much let people touch me however they like, so long as they keep it above the equator.

[Cammino]

On 2/9/2019 at 5:01 PM, AceOfHearts_85 said:

 

Sensual activity appeals to me because it creates a strong emotional bond between people.  I'm connecting to another person.  I also experience intense physical arousal, but I don't desire to have sex.  The arousal drives me to be sensual with that person, not sexual.

 

I honestly don't know why I'm this way.  That's like asking a gay person why they're gay.  They just are.  It's probably some sort of genetic hormonal differentiation that occurred in utero.  All I know is I'm attracted to the cis female physique and identity.  

Wow, you found the words for me.

Additionally ... in principle I don't want to be touched. But if I don't avoid to be touched, it is a privilege, as if saying "You are allowed to come closer". According to my not liking to be just touched by whoever, I'm almost passive in touching somebody in the beginning. Maybe this way I also want to find out if this sensual attraction is mutual.

 

What is a cis female? Is there anywhere a topic explaining abbreviations?

[TrippleL]

14 minutes ago, Cammino said:

Wow, you found the words for me.

Additionally ... in principle I don't want to be touched. But if I don't avoid to be touched, it is a privilege, as if saying "You are allowed to come closer". According to my not liking to be just touched by whoever, I'm almost passive in touching somebody in the beginning. Maybe this way I also want to find out if this sensual attraction is mutual.

 

What is a cis female? Is there anywhere a topic explaining abbreviations?

Cisgender: A person whose gender matches the sex that they were assigned at birth 🙂