Unloved and unattractive :(

[Peppy]

Hi I've just found this forum and would like to tell my story please because no matter how caring and supportive my friends are they have never been able to understand my situation.

I met my husband at a very young age and was absolutely besotted with him from the start he is fifteen years older than me. I threw myself at him and showered him with love and affection much to his surprise. He came from a boarding school background and was very reserved sexually but this childlike innocence only made him more attractive to me as I felt a sense of mothering instinct towards him. From the start intimacy was a problem he was embarrassed to be naked and just uneasy about touching me and being touched. Most importantly he never wanted to kiss me properly with tongues he would only ever peck me quickly this really should have rung alarm bells but I was only a child myself and just kept on trying and trying to make him find me physically attractive. Eventually we did have penetrative sex and things seemed to be better but now looking back it was just me thinking he was ok with it because actually he never was and as soon as the act was over he wanted to roll over and sleep never wanted any more physical contact almost as if he'd done what I wanted to shut me up and as he often said to me when I was desperate for affection afterwards '' You're never satisfied''.

This has been the pattern of my life for the last 40 years yes we have been together that long married for 32 of them we have three grown up children who have been affected by our turbulent marriage constant arguments and aggression. I have turned into the most bitter and twisted person and I hate the person I have become because of him. I am still attractive and look after myself but it's so difficult to be bothered when you never ever get any attention or affection or anything actually from the person who you still have strong feelings for. I thought I could change him and he would suddenly become this man who adored me and couldn't keep his hands off me but he has never changed in all these years. He has never once initiated sex it has always been me and I now know that he has only put up with doing it to please me and not himself. These last few years have been hell for me I've been looking after elderly parents one who has just passed away. He has been completely unsupportive in all ways and I have grown to despise him. I want to divorce but I still can't bring myself to leave him. I've had an affair which he knows about and isn't at all bothered about and last week I asked him for the first time ever if we were ever going to have sex and be intimate with each other ever again he replied with ''No I don't think I want to anymore'' He will divorce me if I want to or he'll stay married he say's it's up to me but he's quite happy in his bedroom on his own. I forgot to mention the fact that he has slept in his own room for the past 22 years! As I'm writing this it seems like an absolute complete bonkers thing I'm saying and if it was someone else I would say ''You idiot what the hell are you doing GET OUT NOW''!!. I'm 55 this year he will be 70 and it's as if I'm waiting for him to die so I can get on with my life and find a normal partner someone to love and cherish me and give me what we all rightly deserve in this life love affection respect and sex.   

 

[Muledeer]

What is holding you back?  He said divorce is fine with him if you want it.....so take charge of your own life and move on!

[oldgeeza]

If I'm being honest, having read your post, I'm wondering why you're still together, waiting for him to pass could take a long time, you will become more resentful, bitter and twisted, it will take over and ruin your life, in reality, I would have listened to the alarm bells that rang out 22 years ago. You say that it's affected your children, your turbulent marriage, I come from a family where my parents hated each other, they didn't split until I was 18, yes it did affect me, that's not why I'm asexual, I've always known I didn't want sex, but it did affect me when it came to having relationships, I picked those who cheated, my father was a serial cheat, I don't have the hate in me that my parents had, I thought all relationships were meant to be full of hate, so in essence it didn't do me any favours. My mother is now very bitter and twisted, in some ways I think that at times she resents me for being a male, then other times she expects me to be like a husband (although she's glad when I go home), they both had their issues, they've rubbed off on me to a degree, they should have split many years ago, they didn't they hate each other though my father walked away for good in 1989, it also affected my sister, she's now divorced, she has a couple of grown up kids, she managed to pick up with a bully, she does resent me, she hasn't spoken to me for a very long time and in part blames me for her divorce.

 

I think that the longer you leave it the harder it will become to leave him and you'll just stay in the rut you're in now, you, like the rest of us aren't getting any younger, the older you get, the harder it's going to be to find a partner, not only that, as someone who has a sex drive, many of us, as we get older end up suffering from erectile dysfunction, many are too embarrassed to go see their doctor about it, they just live with it, but you could quite easily end up waiting and not getting the love and  sex life that you need and crave ever, as someone once said to me, you might as well live your life whilst you're here as you're a long time dead

[anisotrophic]

This is shallow but... even I find tongues a bit, umm... well, okay, I can get into tongues if we're both on the same page that the tongue is a proxy for, err... something else? Tongue as symbol! But a finger would also do for that.

But I'm sorry. It is hellish to keep wanting and trying and not succeeding. My partner tried his best, and he still does stuff with me, but we're both glad we figured it out.

It does sound you may as well leave now? Or get out and date at least, if he's okay with that?

(And I've become soooo chill with being unattractive.)

[uhtred]

I think divorce will make you and possibly him happier.    If you find yourself waiting for him to die, then love has already died.  It is absolutely not your fault - not his either, just the way things are.  Leaving will let you find happiness - and maybe he will as well. If you stay you will resent him the rest of your life. 

[Peppy]

We spent until 4am this morning discussing things (well me actually talking at him because he never really answers me) I've tried to explain how I feel how hurt I am. He has basically told me he's never felt anything sexually for me and still doesn't and has no intention of trying to change in anyway to keep the marriage together. I have become so insecure and lost all self worth because of this. I don't think asexuals realise when entering into a relationship with a sexual partner how much damage they can cause how much trauma it's as bad as abuse because you constantly blame yourself for the crappy marriage and try to change things to make the asexual want you. He will stay in bed most of the day now where as I have to carry on with the normal routine of everything. I know I have to get out of this situation or it will kill me! 

[oldgeeza]

A lot of asexuals don't enter into relationships because they're asexual, admittedly our generation, it was seen as abnormal not to be in a relationship, but we can't help the way we are, that said, you said that you were besotted with him, showered him with love etc, a 30 year old guy who never experienced this sort of thing, I'm not making excuses because I don't know either of you, but he was probably frightened of hurting your feelings, possibly amazed that anyone would bother with him, probably a bit immature, there's a multitude of reasons, but again, if you realised that he never intitialised sex that maybe something was wrong, but again, you were very young and naive too, I think you were both very naive, but now, it's taken it's toll on all of you, one of you needs to make that break, the kids are grown up, they're probably wondering why you both haven't gone your seperate ways years ago, yes it's going to be hard, you've lived that life for 40 years, you need to get out there before it's too late, or, I know this sounds morbid and I'm sorry, but we aren't getting any younger, something could happen to you, living in a stressful way could lead to anything, that could leave you in a worse state than you're in already.

[Peppy]

I just keep trying and trying why I just don't know  I know I need to give up on him and I so wish I could.

[anisotrophic]

43 minutes ago, Peppy said:

has no intention of trying to change in anyway to keep the marriage together.

Do you mean he won't go to therapy with you, or show remorse/sympathy for the effect it's had, or help you feel better by expressing love in other ways?

 

Because if he is asexual it's unreasonable to expect he desire sex, but he could do things that express love for you. Respect and caring for each other's sexuality is important.

 

48 minutes ago, Peppy said:

I don't think asexuals realise when entering into a relationship with a sexual partner how much damage they can cause how much trauma

be careful with generalizations... As @oldgeeza says, those who are aware of asexuality are careful about relationships, and often avoid them

 

Among those that didn't understand their asexuality until later, they may not have realized the impact this had until later -- and sometimes they can be very empathic and caring about the effect it has & had on their partner. My partner has a lot of empathy. Someone can be asexual and an asshole, but those are separate things.

 

56 minutes ago, Peppy said:

you constantly blame yourself for the crappy marriage and try to change things to make the asexual want you.

Yes, it's awful long term damage. But a marriage isn't all about sex: if you think the marriage is generally crappy, that's a sign that there may be other issues. Sometimes, a marriage is confusing and upsetting to a sexual partner because they can't figure out why the sex thing isn't working -- when the rest of the marriage seems great.

 

It sounds like the sex issue is entangled with other problems in your marriage, and... if your partner doesn't want to work through it with you (so your own sexuality is honored, as well as his own asexuality)... maybe you should leave it.

[Peppy]

I just keep trying and trying why I just don't know  I know I need to give up on him and I so wish I could.  And yes the 'sex thing' is entangled with a lot of other issues I think he also has aspergers which in itself is very difficult to live with but that's a whole other problem

[oldgeeza]

I never discovered the term asexual until I bought my first computer, that was when I was in my 40's, prior to that I knew that after the handful of attempts trying sex and probably before that that I didn't want sex, I had a few relationships, that was mainly for the women as a boost to their ego, they all cheated but saw me as desperate as I'm not exactly eye candy, but due to my lack of success in relationships, I gave up in my 20's believing I was just screwed up, since discovering the term asexual and finding out that there are others who feel the same, I had some form of realisation and self acceptance, but my generation in general and our elders certainly don't have an acceptance of it, people of my age and older see me as a homosexual or a pervert (especially when I'm out with my younger godchildren), but there's still so many people who've never heard of the term asexual and don't understand that there are people who don't want or need a sexually active life.

 

On a bit of a side note, I had my head shaved for a fundraising event a few years ago, my friends then girlfriend asked me why I was still single, when I said that the work situation, my lack of looks blah blah blah and the fact I'm not interested in sex, she replied "do you think you're into men?" as if to say well everyone wants to have sex, rather ironically, years later, her son came out as gay and it really hit her hard as she didn't see that as being right or normal, but she couldn't accept back then that I didn't need to have sex to survive.

[Guest]

Sounds like there is a general communication issue and other incompatibilities, not just sex. You got married on infatuation and werent really compatible. Which is fine. But, you know now you arent good together. Change after so long is hard and scary, but it will ultimately be better for you. 

[anisotrophic]

Oh, I think there's a lot more than infatuation when something lasts this long. Many things keep people together for decades.

 

But the past shouldn't chain the future. You can change, you can ask for change, you can demand change.

 

I'd recommend taking to a therapist solo about what you want to do next. You might want to move on, or otherwise stand up for yourself -- and I suspect it's going to be hard to bring yourself to that calmly and confidently.

[roland.o]

8 hours ago, Serran said:

“Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” - Unknown

I really like this signature of yours...

[Guest]

39 minutes ago, roland.o said:

I really like this signature of yours...

Heh, thanks. I put it in as I was ending a 10 year relationship and many people on here seemed unhappy with theirs. 

[Kara11]

The beginning of your story could be my own. I’m married 26 years to my asexual husband.

my advise to you is don’t wait a moment longer to be happy.

you’ve raised the kids and been a devoted wife to him now it’s your time. He may live another 15-20 years, you don’t owe him anything. As the sexuals in the relationship it’s always us who have to compromise, we have to deny or repress what we are to accommodate what they are. 

The asexuals don’t make us miserable hun, we make ourselves miserable by staying. In my case, I stay because my husband and I have a great relationship apart from the sex, but a few years ago we had a frank discussion about it and I said that I needed not only to have more sex, but sex with someone who understands sex. I gave him the choice of divorcing me or allowing me to take a lover, he chose the latter. If you’re anything like me you don’t just need the physical act of sex but also the validation that comes from being desired. It’s not your husbands fault but you will never get that from him, they just aren’t wired that way and they’re not deliberately trying to hurt us it’s just their orientation. You’re 55, you’re attractive and in good shape, so use it before you lose it girl. Good luck 😉 

[Kara11]

*not deliberately trying to hurt us. 

[Kara11]

On 2/9/2019 at 9:20 PM, oldgeeza said:

I never discovered the term asexual until I bought my first computer, that was when I was in my 40's, prior to that I knew that after the handful of attempts trying sex and probably before that that I didn't want sex, I had a few relationships, that was mainly for the women as a boost to their ego, they all cheated but saw me as desperate as I'm not exactly eye candy, but due to my lack of success in relationships, I gave up in my 20's believing I was just screwed up, since discovering the term asexual and finding out that there are others who feel the same, I had some form of realisation and self acceptance, but my generation in general and our elders certainly don't have an acceptance of it, people of my age and older see me as a homosexual or a pervert (especially when I'm out with my younger godchildren), but there's still so many people who've never heard of the term asexual and don't understand that there are people who don't want or need a sexually active life.

 

On a bit of a side note, I had my head shaved for a fundraising event a few years ago, my friends then girlfriend asked me why I was still single, when I said that the work situation, my lack of looks blah blah blah and the fact I'm not interested in sex, she replied "do you think you're into men?" as if to say well everyone wants to have sex, rather ironically, years later, her son came out as gay and it really hit her hard as she didn't see that as being right or normal, but she couldn't accept back then that I didn't need to have sex to survive.

Whenever I tell anyone that my husband is asexual (I don’t tell many) the first thing they say is ‘are you sure he’s not just gay’ 

I don’t get upset or offended because asexuality is probably the least talked about orientation of all of them, so people really struggle to understand how some people just simply do not think about, need or seek out sex. 

What does upset me is that they need to be convinced that this is actually a thing and I’m not just in denial. It needs to be talked about more.

 

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah, as the sexual partner there's no question that people who don't understand or accept asexuality will assume that we (the sexual partners) are actually the defective or objectionable ones, and we're credulously swallowing this asexual stuff when actually our partners are having an affair or have some justifiable cause to be pissed off with us.

I think this is the main thing I struggle with now. I know I shouldn't care what others think (or would think).

 

I think I'm also a little angry about any sense that I should have known, that I stumbled into it naively.

 

Ok yes I was naive about asexuality, but not about sex. It only manifested after we married and moved in together. (And not living together before marriage was because it was an LDR with someone in another country.) Once it did manifest, our ignorance of asexuality meant we always thought it was temporary, caused by some proximate factor.

 

Sometimes people were "no sex before marriage" types, but I think a lot experienced a shift sometime after they were already pretty entangled & treated it as a temporary thing.

[uhtred]

5 hours ago, Kara11 said:

Whenever I tell anyone that my husband is asexual (I don’t tell many) the first thing they say is ‘are you sure he’s not just gay’ 

I don’t get upset or offended because asexuality is probably the least talked about orientation of all of them, so people really struggle to understand how some people just simply do not think about, need or seek out sex. 

What does upset me is that they need to be convinced that this is actually a thing and I’m not just in denial. It needs to be talked about more.

 

I'm generally pretty well informed about sexuality, but it was only quite recently that I discovered that asexuality existed.  The information is just not that visible. 

[Kara11]

1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I'm generally pretty well informed about sexuality, but it was only quite recently that I discovered that asexuality existed.  The information is just not that visible. 

My husband and I were together for 17 years before we discovered what asexuality was, before that I knew something was wrong I just thought it was me. I just happened to be watching a talk show on different sexual orientations and they talked about asexuality. My light bulbs started to go bezerk and I talked to my husband about it, we started to research the subject and he told me that what he’d read completely resonated with him and explained a lot of things that had happened in his life. I asked him if he wanted to see a psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed and he said it wasn’t necessary, he knew what he was, he identified as asexual. 

I like to think I’m pretty clued in when it comes to sexuality and different orientations, but I didn’t know anything about asexuality. Had we known of this early on it would’ve prevented so many issues in our relationship and if I’d known what it was when I was 18 when I met him, I wouldn’t have married him, as mean as that sounds. I love him to bits and we are so close and have made a good life together and I can’t imagine life without him now, but if I knew then what I know now!!! 

[Mrs]

The problem isn’t that your husband is asexual, the problem is that he is a jerk. He has told you that he doesn’t care if you leave, and he is not at all interested in you as a person. This is him and he has told you that he won’t change. You need to either divorce, or live with him as he is. He has made it very clear that those are your only options. You have to pick the one you can live with. 

[MrDane]

Did he say, that he didnt care if you left or that he didnt want to have sex and understood if you left to go and be happy? I think some asexuals are also a bit odd about this. As if they dont know that sex is important to a lot of people and that a lot of couples struggle to nurture a good sex life together. 

[AVeryTakenUsername]

This has been going on too long. At the very least you've been aware of these incompatibility problems for years. There's also the matter of your husband possibly having aspergers as you say, which I'll also say does line up with the little bit of behavior you've described. But I can't really say for sure because I don't know him personally and most importantly, I'm not a licensed doctor or psychologist lol.

 

I apologize if what I am about to say seems harsh:

 

You can't wait around for your husband to die. You can't wait around for him to leave first. You've already checked out mentally and at this point any changes that need to happen are on you. You can point the finger all you want but you are the one continuing to stay in a relationship that isn't working. Yes. He is too. But you are only responsible for yourself. You have all the power to leave and make yourself happier. I'm not trying to imply you haven't been through a lot or that it's easy when you have a long marriage of feelings for this man, but you have to be strong. You simply have to, and you have to make the right call for your own sanity.

 

If your kids are grown, then you've had a long time to deal with this. It's taken a toll for a long time. I sympathize, I do. I can understand not wanting a divorce to hurt young kids, but they're grown now. If he isn't going to make that call, then you need to make it for yourself. It's that simple. You continuing to stay is no longer anyone else's fault if you know it isn't working and it's reached the point of you despising him, and especially if you reached that conclusion a while ago. You need to do what's best for your happiness.

 

I don't know your husband personally and it sounds like he has a couple issues too, but please understand not all asexuals are out to cause you trauma or grief with recklessness when entering relationships. Some of us really do try our best to make our partners happy regardless of who they are. Some of us know how to compromise and know when something isn't going to work compatibility-wise. Things like that are complicated and hard for both parties, and sometimes it's us that ends up with the trauma. Sometimes it's you guys. Something it's both.

 

I apologise you seem to have gotten a bad example of us, although again, I don't know your husband personally either.

 

Regardless of anything else, you need to go. You aren't happy. And it's reached a point where you are actively despising and waiting your own husband's death. This relationship is toxic and if he isn't going to change the situation, you need to. That's it. Best of luck to you both.

[anamikanon]

You are 55. You've spent 40 years waiting for the affection of this man and are now considering spending more years waiting for him to die. That is a long wait. More importantly, you may find you have got your wish only to realize you are too old and after you get it, may not be as interested in sex as you were when you were young. I mean, think of it. If he dies after another 10 years, you'd be 65. Cheering the loss of the one relationship you had over sex - and you don't know if the sexual freedom will be as rewarding as you imagine.

 

This isn't to say old people don't like sex. Just saying that you don't want divorce. How do you know you'd want widowhood beyond the anger you feel for him right now?

 

Two things come to mind. The first is the obvious. Divorce. You've considered it. He's fine with it. Your children are fed up of your fights. So why not.

 

The other is that you've had an affair. He's been fine about it. There is a possibility to open up your marriage and do it honestly instead of cheating. Obviously, if your relationship is good in other ways, it will work, or there is no poing hanging on to it and you might as well be single. It is possible that your relationship improves if he no longer feels like sex is expected from him.

 

I don't put too much weight on separate bedrooms. I am very possessive about my space and even when my husband and I sleep together most nights, he has his own room he can sleep in if he wants or if I want him to. The room intended for him was readied before he ever moved in. Before we knew he was asexual. Because me - the sexual - am a "my own space" freak. Where you sleep is less important than how you are together. If apart from specific issues, you make a good couple overall, opening your marriage just might save it.