Jump to content

Sex and falling in love?? Do you need one for the other to happen?


Meta4icalMe

Recommended Posts

I love my biological and my adopted children completely. They give joy and purpose to my life. I love my animals. I cannot trust a sexual person enough to say that I fully love them. I believe that if I had ever found an asexual person I may have been able to have my happy ever after.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What is it that makes people untrustworthy because they see sex as an important part of a relationship?

Let me try to explain it this way. Suppose that you meet a person who can't live without fulfilling a need of wanting to poke something up your butt every week, or even more often. If this does not explain it, then substitute some other thing (something that is abominably beyond the pale of being a regular part of "intimacy.") Could you "trust" having a loving relationship with that person?

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, jay williams said:

Let me try to explain it this way. Suppose that you meet a person who can't live without fulfilling a need of wanting to poke something up your butt every week, or even more often. If this does not explain it, then substitute some other thing (something that is abominably beyond the pale of being a regular part of "intimacy.") Could you "trust" having a loving relationship with that person?

So basically am I capable of loving someone with a kink? Lol yes. May not be a great lifelong match but can I love and trust them? Of course. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

But that isn't a trust issue. It's a butt-poking issue. I don't see the connection.

Would you trust that you and the butt-poker could love and live together happily ever after?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, jay williams said:

Would you trust that you and the butt-poker could love and live together happily ever after?

 

Trusting that someone won't poke you in the butt unilaterally isn't the same thing as a rational consideration of compatibility. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams

I am just trying to explain from the viewpoint of a sex-repulsed person's point of view. There is nothing wrong with kink, butt-poking or anything else if is your thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
1 minute ago, Skullery Maid said:

Trusting that someone won't poke you in the butt unilaterally isn't the same thing as a rational consideration of compatibility. 

The "trust" part is whether that other (butt-poker or whatever) person will be happy, and can live happily ever after with you.

Now if we are just talking about a few dates, or a fling or some other thing, then I would agree that one should be able to be cool with that. Some people could never work at the same job place with a person who was gay.  Now that is narrow-minded and ridiculous. Not talking about that kind of "trust."

Surely, you can see the point. I get the impression that some people here just want to argue.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, jay williams said:

The "trust" part is whether that other (butt-poker or whatever) person will be happy, and can live happily ever after with you.

Now if we are just talking about a few dates, or a fling or some other thing, then I would agree that one should be able to be cool with that. Some people could never work at the same job place with a person who was gay.  Now that is narrow-minded and ridiculous. Not talking about that kind of "trust."

Surely, you can see the point. I get the impression that some people here just want to argue.

 

I don't think that's what the poster meant by trust. What you're describing isn't trust, it's a rational decision. I can love someone deeply and accept that I can't make them happy... trust really doesn't enter into the equation. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

But it isn't anything to do with trust.

 

They could agree they would never poke butt without asking and receiving permission. They could be fantastic at looking after your kids, honest to fault and always supportive, and by this attitude, still untrustworthy because they enjoy butt poking.

 

I don't see the connection.

Totally agree. But THAT is not the point. The point is whether a sexual and a sexual could marry and live happily ever after. At least that is what I understand cathieg and others are saying.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams

Now I think we are getting into a question of "ceramics."  [sic].

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Totally agree. But THAT is not the point. The point is whether a sexual and a sexual could marry and live happily ever after. At least that is what I understand cathieg and others are saying.

If that's true, I understand, but trust is not the right word imo. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
1 minute ago, Skullery Maid said:

If that's true, I understand, but trust is not the right word imo. 

Well thank you. At least I no longer feel like we are shouting past each other. Provide a better word if you wish.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
1 minute ago, CBC said:

What other demographics of people do you not trust as a whole for illogical reasons, @jay williams?

Come now, don't be "poking" me with wild illogical allegations. This thread is supposed to be about 'sex and falling in love." I am talking about "trust" (okay everybody, you don't like the word) of feelings and whether anything could ever work out when the sexualities (or lack thereof) do not match up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Compatability?

So there you go. She was saying she could never "compatible with" another person who is/was fill-in-the-blank. We could never compatible a boat down the stream if the boat had a hole in it. Okay, now you have driven me silly.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

Oh for sure it's a dumb thing to say, I agree. But (lol, I accidentally typed "butt") I wasn't actually accusing you of anything. My whole point was saying something equally as illogical.

 

'Trust' is a very poor and inaccurate word. That's all.

I know you were trying to make me a butt of some joke.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The lack of trust for me stems from my experiences. I have been very honest about not wanting a sexual relationship, the person I'm with must understand this. However each person I've been with assumes that after time I will want a sexual relationship. When this doesn't happen both of us feels pressured and unhappy. At my age no one had ever heard of asexual when I was young. I was usually seen as having a mental issue. Or I was frigid, a tease, I just needed a real man to help me (rape), I grew up in a very different time.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Skycaptain

Taking a step back here. We seem to be having two different discussions. On the one hand there's the correlation between falling in love and having a sexual relationship. The second debate involves trust and honesty in relationships. 

Being fair, there is only a very small percentage of the population who seek a relationship without sex. So if one partner is looking for a relationship its understandable if the other partner views sex as part of the relationship 

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
15 minutes ago, cathieg said:

 

The lack of trust for me stems from my experiences. I have been very honest about not wanting a sexual relationship, the person I'm with must understand this. However each person I've been with assumes that after time I will want a sexual relationship. When this doesn't happen both of us feels pressured and unhappy. At my age no one had ever heard of asexual when I was young. I was usually seen as having a mental issue. Or I was frigid, a tease, I just needed a real man to help me (rape), I grew up in a very different time.

 

 

If you can put up with the spitball throwers (I suggest ignore them) around here, you are in the right place. There are many asexuals, and sexually-repulsed people in this website. We are great people, with the main difference we don't need or desire to press our genitals against other body parts. I don't like watermelon either. Some think I am a freak because I don't like watermelon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
9 minutes ago, Skycaptain said:

Taking a step back here. We seem to be having two different discussions. On the one hand there's the correlation between falling in love and having a sexual relationship. The second debate involves trust and honesty in relationships. 

Being fair, there is only a very small percentage of the population who seek a relationship without sex. So if one partner is looking for a relationship its understandable if the other partner views sex as part of the relationship 

There you go. That is why you wear the pants in this group, so to speak. You sorted it out and got CBC and some of the others all calmed down. Psst. That was Just a stupid joke, CBC. LOL

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

sexuals could equally say they don't trust asexuals because at first they have sex and then say they can't bring themselves to do so any longer

In fairness, some *have* said precisely that.

 

In both directions it’s probably not so much untrustworthiness as it is... being overly optimistic (love conquers all!) and in some

cases lacking knowledge (thinking that everyone ultimately wants sex... or that no one actually needs it).

Link to post
Share on other sites
49 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That's completely fair enough. It's different to saying all sexual people are inherently untrustworthy, which is what you seemed to be implying initially, and why I asked for a bit elucidation.

 

For instance, sexuals could equally say they don't trust asexuals because at first they have sex and then say they can't bring themselves to do so any longer, which is a very common experience for sexual partners. We get no choice or say in sex being removed from the relationship, often.

I agree very much with this statement. I think it causes a lot of pain to everyone involved. I had never heard the term asexual until recently. I was in therapy for years trying to "get over" my sexual problems. I wish I knew in my youth what I know now. I spent years trying to become "normal". I'm so glad that I can now accept myself for who I am. It's been so freeing for me to know that other people like me do exist. I can remember a time in my 20's where my women friends would talk about about sex and I believed they were making up stories because that's what you were suppose to say.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BrumesEtPluies
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

For instance, sexuals could equally say they don't trust asexuals because at first they have sex and then say they can't bring themselves to do so any longer, which is a very common experience for sexual partners. We get no choice or say in sex being removed from the relationship, often.

You do have a choice in removing yourself from the relationship though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BrumesEtPluies

Why not do it yourself first then? Go after your own happiness. So what if they make you look like a villian or whatever?

Link to post
Share on other sites
BrumesEtPluies

That's not the point. If you want to leave, leave. Why do you need an excuse?

Link to post
Share on other sites

There’s also the point - one we could all probably benefit from keeping in mind - that just because a specific indivual says they can’t trust [sexuals/asexuals/men/women/people of X race/rich people/poor people/etc.] it doesn’t necessarily follow that the group of people in question is actually, generally not trustworthy...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Custard Cream

Oh for heaven's sake... what on earth is going on here? What on earth has trust got to do with sexuality or the lack of it? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
BrumesEtPluies
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

No, the discussion was about whether sexuals were untrustworthy because they couldn't sustain suppressing their sexuality. My point was that of you argue that's the case, you can equally argue that asexuals are untrustworthy for the exact inverse reason.

 

'Leave' was the irrelevancy.

Well, it's the two sides of the coin of intimacy issues.

 

Not saying asexuality or allosexuality = necessarily intimacy issues, mind you. Just this particular behavior, on both sides.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Skycaptain

Those who advocate "leave", fair enough, but sometimes there's more to it. Usually a relationship develops over time, maybe initially one partner isn't fully aware of asexuality, particularly if they're thinking "after all this time maybe I have met the right person" because they're experiencing attraction, love etc, just not sexual attraction. So they could be deep into a relationship before a major varience in sexual attraction/desire becomes a problem in the relationship. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...