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Sex and falling in love?? Do you need one for the other to happen?


Meta4icalMe

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On 2/7/2019 at 10:35 AM, jay williams said:

Those of us who do not have the storybook experience of falling in love, and then "making love" are presumably outliers. But we are what we are. More and more, we learn that there are all manner of gender and sexual variations among people. It is true we don't much hear about variations of romantic or human love. It would be interesting to learn more about that. 

Here is an interesting article about 7 types of love:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love

Thank you for pointing me to this interesting and timely article. It fits in with what I am currently personally exploring.  Two types of love that are described are especially meaningful to me in relationships.  With Philia, "Friendships founded on goodness are associated not only with mutual benefit but also with companionship, dependability, and trust" and "Ludus relationships are casual, undemanding, and uncomplicated but, for all that, can be very long-lasting".   "Love", "falling in love", "making love" -- this will be food for thought for V day.  I've got lots of thinking to do! 

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On 2/12/2019 at 2:16 PM, Meta4icalMe said:

I’m in a A-sexual study of 100 people. It will last 3 to 5 years

This sounds very interesting and I'd love to hear more. 

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21 hours ago, Meta4icalMe said:

Yes, there is. They have 100 A-sexuals in the controlled study and 100 normal sexually active people to compare their reactions with. We all take the same tests. The ages range from 18 to 65 with 50 women and 50 men in each group of study. That’s all I am allowed to know about the other people in the study.

Hope this helps you

Maybe you can't answer this question: What are the criteria for A-sexuals? Are they to have no libido, need to be "straight," or whatever? I think you did say that the A-sexuals are to have no partner. Did you respond to a lengthy questionnaire to qualify?

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The original hypothesis may be true in many cases, hence "making love", love life" etc, but is not a be all and end all. 

Sex can be casual, swingers, business transactions etc. Likewise there are people in romantic relationships who don't have sex, either because both parties are asexual, voluntarily celibate, or, where there are medical reasons why sex isn't possible, have still formed a strong enough loving relationship that it rides above this. 

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6 minutes ago, Skycaptain said:

love life

I always thought things like this were just remnants of people being a little prudish/puritanical around talking about sex (and other bodily functions, e.g., “powdering one’s nose”) in polite company.

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On 2/13/2019 at 6:21 PM, MLJ said:

Well, this would totally disqualify me from the study! I love chocolate, but I don't like dark chocolate. There's no way I could go for years not being able to eat chocolate because regular milk chocolate isn't allowed, lol!

Hi MLJ... milk chocolate can be eaten too but not during the chocolate testing ...I’m only allowed dark chocolate when they allow it. All the rest of the time I can eat it when ever I want. Right now I’m in the chocolate study part of the testing. It lasts for another month and then it’s over.... I love both kinds of chocolate myself 🙂

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On 2/13/2019 at 12:59 PM, chandrakirti said:

I take it that as you already know you're ace, the study is double blind to the researchers carrying out the tests?

 

Yes it’s blind....we are given a number instead of a name. Only Jeckal (drs nickname 🤣) knows my name and that I’m an Ace in the study.

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On 2/13/2019 at 4:59 PM, jay williams said:

Hmm. I have no cravings for chocolate

I’m sure being ace doesn’t mean we all are just alike or that our bodies react the same. Your natural oxytocin levels may differ from other aces because of your other factors. They are testing for commonality amongst us and things the majority shares along with biology and chemistry make up in the brain, blood etc. To bad you’re not in the study because you would be great due to your difference.

Thank you for your input Jay! I enjoy that aces can be different and that we share a common factor yet we are still individuals 😃

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa
15 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

Yes it’s blind....we are given a number instead of a name. Only Jeckal (drs nickname 🤣) knows my name and that I’m an Ace in the study.

..do you have to hide from Dr jeckal?  (apologies! Couldn't resist....)

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3 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

..do you have to hide from Dr jeckal?  (apologies! Couldn't resist....)

No 🤣😂🤣

He’s actually a lovely man. One of the nurses told me he got the nickname from another study he did on male rage and it just stuck....I guess the rage study was full of Hydes 🤣

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On 2/14/2019 at 7:39 AM, AllThisTime said:

This sounds very interesting and I'd love to hear more. 

Hi AllThisTime! I’ve posted everything I can remember thus far, in this thread (that I feel is appropriate to share)

I’m just 15 months into the study as one of the subjects. The Study will be published at its end at some point.

It truly is interesting to be a part of it. Sometimes it can be a lot of fun being in the study, at other times not so much fun and at other times it makes me uncomfortable to say the least.... but if it ultimately helps people to understand us or for us to understand ourselves or why we are the way we are, then every moment is worth it 😉

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On 2/14/2019 at 8:04 AM, jay williams said:

Maybe you can't answer this question: What are the criteria for A-sexuals? Are they to have no libido, need to be "straight," or whatever? I think you did say that the A-sexuals are to have no partner. Did you respond to a lengthy questionnaire to qualify?

No libido test subjects.

Sexual preference doesn’t matter.

Some have partners and some don’t. I happen to be in the group of the 25 that don’t have a partner but they do set us up on dates. Yes, the Questionnaire was actually a pretty quick 5 pages if I remember right. It asked questions that ranged from allergies or depression to masterbation or revulsion to sex. If their was abuse as a child or a happy childhood etc

I qualified for the 50 female subjects and 25 of those who do not have a partner.

the study breaks down this way..

100 aces.....50 females and 50 males.....25 females and males with a partner, 25 without a partner and all will no libido.

100 norms with the same requirements. 

I know this because it was on the release I signed that said these were the criteria they were looking for in the subject study and they needed to know which group I fit in to.

I hope this helps Jay.

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Ah, okay, if it’s alibidinous aces that’s a very specific/narrow subset.  Should be interesting to see the results...

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20 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

This Dr Jeckal has an eye for very interesting research topics. I love this area of study.

Thanks for bringing all this to attention @Meta4icalMe.

His rage study hasn’t been published yet (he just finished it about 8 months ago and he said it takes awhile to compile the findings and write the paper) but it’s due out in the near future. I’m very excited to read it as I have a family member who suffers from uncontrolled rage syndrome caused by a bad concussion. He doesn’t hurt anyone (except breaking his own hands from hitting things sometimes) but his rage is instant and he destroys things when it happens... then he suffers horrible remorse and shame afterwards which is typical with individuals suffering from rage syndrome.

 

My good friend Kim is bestfriends with Jeckal’s wife... otherwise I wouldn’t have ever met him and chances are never known about his studies.

Jeckal is a PHD and a scientist/researcher. He’s got an amazing intellect and a wicked sense of humor too! I really like him and respect how he’s trying to help people with his research projects

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11 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Ah, okay, if it’s alibidinous aces that’s a very specific/narrow subset.  Should be interesting to see the results...

Back when I met Jeckal he said he will be doing further research with broader types of aces which will be included into his research but I don’t know if it’s happening now or later as I’m not part of that particular group in the study. I’m part of the no libido group of 100. All I know is that he said he always does studies of 100 and then 100 as a comparison group and we are all given a number instead of a name... like I’m “A group”#42 (A42)

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2 hours ago, Meta4icalMe said:

Hi MLJ... milk chocolate can be eaten too but not during the chocolate testing ...I’m only allowed dark chocolate when they allow it. All the rest of the time I can eat it when ever I want. Right now I’m in the chocolate study part of the testing. It lasts for another month and then it’s over.... I love both kinds of chocolate myself 🙂

Well, that's not so bad then - though no chocolate for a month, that would still be tough!

 

But I suppose that is why you said not everything you have to do in the study is fun and easy. (Well, the chocolate part isn't hard for you because you like both kinds - I just mean, not all the rules for being in a study like this are going to be fun and easy for everyone all the time.)

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On ‎2‎/‎14‎/‎2019 at 1:45 PM, ryn2 said:

I always thought things like this were just remnants of people being a little prudish/puritanical around talking about sex (and other bodily functions, e.g., “powdering one’s nose”) in polite company.

I do think that we ALL have some kind of "prudish/puritanical" thinking and folkways when it comes to sex. For a start, we are taught that some words, relating to genital and sexual matters are taboo, forbidden and/or vulgar. This has to have some kind of effect on our thinking. When people talk about their asexual feelings, are they "asexual," are they repulsed about body parts and body functions, or some combination thereof?

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If many or most asexual women have strong desires for chocolate, perhaps we men who seek an (a)sexually compatible relationship should zero in on those women who love chocolate?

 

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28 minutes ago, jay williams said:

If many or most asexual women have strong desires for chocolate, perhaps we men who seek an (a)sexually compatible relationship should zero in on those women who love chocolate?

 

From what I’ve read and seen many people love chocolate for the taste and women tend to crave it based on hormonal shifts... so I’m not thinking it would be selective.  Zeroing in on women who eat lots of chocolate will help you meet women who love chocolate.

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26 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

From what I’ve read and seen many people love chocolate for the taste and women tend to crave it based on hormonal shifts... so I’m not thinking it would be selective.  Zeroing in on women who eat lots of chocolate will help you meet women who love chocolate.

CBC said:

 

"Er, many women of all orientations love chocolate. Many people of all biological sexes and gender identities love chocolate."

 

That figures. Just mark my thought down as another failed idea. I am quite prolific when it comes to ideas D.O.A. :-()

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On ‎2‎/‎15‎/‎2019 at 3:51 PM, Meta4icalMe said:

No libido test subjects.

100 aces.....50 females and 50 males.....25 females and males with a partner, 25 without a partner and all [with] no libido.

100 norms with the same requirements. 

I hope this helps Jay.

It does some. Of course, I assume the "norms' have a libido.

Personally, I do not fathom no libido. If I understand the meaning of such, we are talking about folks with no sexual urges, desires, feelings, stimulations, etc. Presumably no erotic dreams, and no masturbation.  So as Ryn points out, this is apparently a small subset of aces, as I think she is channeling the notion (and I have no reason to disagree) that most aces do have a libido.

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It does appear from the postings on AVEN that the majority of both sexual and asexual people do have - or had at some point in their lives - a libido.  I know that’s not a scientific approach, though.

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On 2/7/2019 at 10:34 AM, Meta4icalMe said:

Just curious about one thing and I guess it’s the reason for my post. During all those years of trying to live the normal life and trying so hard to find my sexual self, not once have I ever fallen in love, really in love. I loved those guys that were part of my life but never felt in love with single one of them. Was it because of the constant fear of the whole sexual part of trying that walking away became so simple without looking back?

Am I alone in the lack of not being able to fall in love? Has that been part of it for you too? Looking for replies about the parallels of sex and falling in love....does one require the other for such a deep bond???

 

Hm, I can talk only for me. Falling in love has nothing to do with sex. ... For me this deep bond develops over time. Maybe you start thinking about what are the components to make you fall in love. You must have an idea about it, otherwise you would not miss it.

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On 2/7/2019 at 2:17 PM, Meta4icalMe said:

 

Seriously though, Thank you for replying. I can’t help but wonder why some people fall so easily as you do and then someone like myself who has never felt that intense love bond with a man.

In my case, I don't fall in love often, but I do ... I cannot plan it, it happens and it has a lot to do with attraction. I feel attracted to unconventional people, people who come across unique but authentic ... subtle people, not people with a desire to draw attention ... that doesn't cover all, but I know these characteristics play a role. Maybe you can try to question yourself less and see if you meet people which make you curious?

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@Meta4icalMe I fell in love without having sex.  You don't need sex in order to love someone.  One isn't attached to the other.  However, I'm a demiromantic ace, so I do experience romantic attraction.  It sounds like there's a possibility you could be aromantic.

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On 2/15/2019 at 9:51 PM, Meta4icalMe said:

No libido test subjects.

Sexual preference doesn’t matter.

Some have partners and some don’t. I happen to be in the group of the 25 that don’t have a partner but they do set us up on dates. Yes, the Questionnaire was actually a pretty quick 5 pages if I remember right. It asked questions that ranged from allergies or depression to masterbation or revulsion to sex. If their was abuse as a child or a happy childhood etc

I qualified for the 50 female subjects and 25 of those who do not have a partner.

the study breaks down this way..

100 aces.....50 females and 50 males.....25 females and males with a partner, 25 without a partner and all will no libido.

100 norms with the same requirements. 

I know this because it was on the release I signed that said these were the criteria they were looking for in the subject study and they needed to know which group I fit in to.

I hope this helps Jay.

This sounds like it's going to wield some weight when it's published @Meta4icalMe.

Can't wait for the publication.

 

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Never mind falling in love. There seems to be a lot of falling out here. Can we all please stick to the topic and disagree respectfully. Skycaptain moderator Older Asexuals 

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