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Sex and falling in love?? Do you need one for the other to happen?


Meta4icalMe

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On ‎2‎/‎7‎/‎2019 at 7:40 AM, Meta4icalMe said:

I have these discussions with my friends all the time but I never thought to challenge it in this way... Thanks Jay.

I feel sometimes that I must always explain myself and my lack of sexuality or at not having a man in my life. Even my son wishes I could find a man to enjoy companionship with. He hates that I’m alone and getting older. I explain it’s very difficult, especially in the blasted age of the dreaded and horrifying invention of Viagra! When I was younger I looked forward to getting older and the lack of sexual drive in men.... yeah that really worked out for me 🤨 Leave it to a man to invent a blue pill that destroyed my hope of ever having a relationship. 🤯

I think it would be great if you ask your friends what sex does for them. Do they really enjoy it? I thought many women don't get much out of piv sex? So why do it? And for men it oftentimes takes longer to take off their clothes than it does to experience something. For either, it probably takes longer to clean up. . . . LOL

BTW, I read somewhere that lots of men have tried Viagra a few times and decided it was not worth it. It has adverse effects of some kind. I never had any and I never will. By the way, I don't think Viagra increases sex drive. I don't know if it makes sex more pleasurable for men. I imagine It is only helpful for men who want sex, and/or who enjoy sex. In short, Viagra is presumably for people who keep trying to "do it," but can't because they can't stay erect.

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4 hours ago, MiffKeks said:

 I'm troubled with all the talking about sex. It so often sounds like that when two love each other that they have to have sex or their relationship is illegit. And I really don't understand why having sex is treated as a "more" rather than "one possbility" to show how much people care for each other. :( 

You are not alone with these questions. Even if people do want sex, and then indulge, do they need to keep repeating every day, every week?

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21 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

From reading your posts, it sounds to me as though you're an aromantic asexual.

This was my thought as well.  People who are aromantic typically don’t experience the whole “falling in love” thing, regardless of whether they are sexual or asexual.

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On 2/7/2019 at 5:42 AM, MiffKeks said:

I too cannot remember to have ever fallen in love. But honestly, every time I read something where allos are talking about love it's in fact only about the sex. It's hard to remember if I've ever found an article where it's about how people do good for their partners without ending up in the will to reproduce...

For allos it seems to be like: I carrot/peach you, so I love you (if it's in a relationship and not a one night stand for that matter). It's a way to "proof" actual affection to them.

We use them as "welcome-gifts" here. Hope, it's your taste :).

I don't know what kind of things you are reading, but I can think of numerous examples of books (fiction and nonfiction) as well as movies that describe genuine love that includes sex. I know lots of people with genuine loving relationships whose relationships include sex. What you wrote here was really offensive. Maybe you were just trying to be clever and "spice" things up (as you said), but it is really unkind to suggest that all the relationships of all "allos" boils down to just "wanting sex." That is absolutely not the case and completely misunderstands what sex means to sexual people and what sexual relationships are like.

 

Ceebs was totally justified in her response. I'd suggest if you don't mean to offend people, that you be a little more careful when choosing the way you phrase things.

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Wow, people can be a little touchy about feelings of love, and feelings of sex, or the absence of any such feelings, and whether the twain meet. I assume the majority of people who participate in these forums are not your typical, run-of-the-mill girl-meets-boy and boy-meets-girl types. I know I am not, nor am I proud to say so. But it is nice to know if we are not alone in our feelings of a certain kind, and in our lack of feelings of a certain kind.

Anyway, I love discussions among us, whether I agree with others or not. I hope that none of us has to worry about whether what we say is offensive to others. Worrying about whether someone is offended can inhibit saying anything at all, which is least desirable.

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I've read through this whole thread, nothing offensive really in it (to me)

A couple of people that have taking offence (but to me so F****** what, be offended)

 

People are allowed different opinions, and if someone states they have never "something", you can't correct them as you have not lived there life.

 

just be and let be

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23 hours ago, CBC said:

Ok, serious question: what all do you think people do during sex that requires so much clean-up that it takes longer than actual sex?? :huh: 

 

Frequency varies, but yes. Do you not repeat things that are highly enjoyable and beneficial to your psychological health?

I have heard the expression "exchange of body fluids" as a reference to something that might occur during sex. I don't know if (some, many, none or all) people do a "clean-up" thereafter, or how long it takes or any of the nitty-gritty involved. But I am one of those who has had sex, never felt the earth move, and never see the point of it...if it has a point. Now I am referring especially to piv sex. I confess that I have other desires, and that I am aberrant.

 

Let me give an example of something that I understand that at least some people do (but that I have a total absence of appreciation); Some folks like genital to anal penetration. Why do they have that desire? Why is it enjoyable? Why would they want to repeat it? How is it beneficial to health? You don't have to answer this, but these are purely WTF? thoughts that I have about that. I suspect other people are similarly not excited about PIA sex. For me (but obviously not for most people) I have similar (though not identical) sentiments about PIV sex.

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8 minutes ago, AndrewT said:

I've read through this whole thread, nothing offensive really in it (to me)

A couple of people that have taking offence (but to me so F****** what, be offended)

 

People are allowed different opinions, and if someone states they have never "something", you can't correct them as you have not lived there life.

 

just be and let be

Well said Fred. . .er. . . Andrew. 🙂

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On 2/8/2019 at 8:21 AM, jay williams said:

I think it would be great if you ask your friends what sex does for them. Do they really enjoy it? I thought many women don't get much out of piv sex? So why do it?

I can't answer for everyone, but I can answer for me.  I don't feel any sensation during penetrative sex.  But I do, in fact, still enjoy the experience very much.  I feel wanted and desired by my partner.  I also have a deep desire to please my partner and love knowing that I am involved in making that person feel pleasure.  Aside from the physical, if I'm with someone I love, there is an emotional bond that happens as well.  Like if you combine two elements and create a new element derived from both parts.  The phrase "two become one" is the best way to describe it I think.  Though I am waaaay up there on the romantic scale, so I can easily become smitten.

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I don't have any issue with those who want/need sex. I have experienced it (decades ago). I really like women. I just never met any who don't want sex. The kind of woman that could excite me is one who would like to never have sex. Common as they may appear in AVEN, they don't make themselves known in the real world.

I guess I am mildly repulsed about PIV sex. In any event I have zero desire for it. I am quite repulsed about PIA sex. Dunno why for sure. Maybe it is irrational, but I am repulsed by it.

Now having said the above, I make no secret about the fact that I have a fairly strong yearning to orally fellate a guy. Why? Who knows? It has a lot of aesthetic appeal, even though the male body does nothing for me. Not only that I have never experienced romantic love for a guy, nor do I anticipate it ever to occur. On the other hand I can and do experience romantic love for a woman, yet have "zip" wanting/desiring  sex with a woman. I have seen a few guys here in AVEN with similar feelings or orientations as mine, but only a few.

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14 minutes ago, xstatic said:

I can't answer for everyone, but I can answer for me.  I don't feel any sensation during penetrative sex.  But I do, in fact, still enjoy the experience very much.  I feel wanted and desired by my partner.  I also have a deep desire to please my partner and love knowing that I am involved in making that person feel pleasure.  Aside from the physical, if I'm with someone I love, there is an emotional bond that happens as well.  Like if you combine two elements and create a new element derived from both parts.  The phrase "two become one" is the best way to describe it I think.  Though I am waaaay up there on the romantic scale, so I can easily become smitten.

Thanks. You explained yourself well. Do you have desires for penetrative sex, or do you just enjoy it when your partner expresses the desire?

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21 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Thanks. You explained yourself well. Do you have desires for penetrative sex, or do you just enjoy it when your partner expresses the desire?

Both.  

 

I'm with an ace now so I'm not going to get the latter, but the desire for sex remains.  He finds that extremely odd.  But I do the best I can to explain it.

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On 2/8/2019 at 8:21 AM, jay williams said:

BTW, I read somewhere that lots of men have tried Viagra a few times and decided it was not worth it. It has adverse effects of some kind. I never had any and I never will. By the way, I don't think Viagra increases sex drive. I don't know if it makes sex more pleasurable for men. I imagine It is only helpful for men who want sex, and/or who enjoy sex. In short, Viagra is presumably for people who keep trying to "do it," but can't because they can't stay erect.

As a preface, I fall into the gray area of asexuality. I like it well enough, in some ways, but I feel no desire for it and my wife always has to initiate things.

 

While I have never used Viagra myself, I understand why it's used. For those who can't get an erection, it gives them one. For those who can get an erection, it allows them to get an erection faster and that lasts longer. That lasting longer bit is why many guys will use it, which means they can have sex for longer, getting that pleasure they derive from it for longer. Whether someone wants penetrative sex or not, they can get that feeling for longer than without the drug. I could see it used simply for extended masturbation. Personally, that feeling would get overwhelming for me after too much time. The most common side effects are that it may become painful after a time, or your erection may last a lot longer than you would want it to.

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2 hours ago, jay williams said:

Now having said the above, I make no secret about the fact that I have a fairly strong yearning to orally fellate a guy. Why? Who knows? It has a lot of aesthetic appeal, even though the male body does nothing for me. Not only that I have never experienced romantic love for a guy, nor do I anticipate it ever to occur. On the other hand I can and do experience romantic love for a woman, yet have "zip" wanting/desiring  sex with a woman. I have seen a few guys here in AVEN with similar feelings or orientations as mine, but only a few.

I didn't see this earlier and I want to address it.  I share similar feelings in that I consider myself bisexual but heteroromantic.  So it's nice to know that I'm not alone.  I really love getting a girl off, but I have zero desire to be in a relationship with one.  I can't really explain why.

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1 hour ago, xstatic said:

I didn't see this earlier and I want to address it.  I share similar feelings in that I consider myself bisexual but heteroromantic.  So it's nice to know that I'm not alone.  I really love getting a girl off, but I have zero desire to be in a relationship with one.  I can't really explain why.

I don't think it is important, much less necessary to explain any desires or preferences. Far more important is to be able to say you do (or don't) have certain desires, and that is just the way it is. Unfortunately, for me it was not until 10-15 years ago that I was willing to say that I was attracted to some desires and activities, and not attracted to others. Wish I were able to be open and candid since. . .forever! For example, 15 years ago, I would never have admitted that the male package makes my mouth water. Be more like Popeye, and say: I yam what I yam! 🙂    

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14 hours ago, MLJ said:

I don't know what kind of things you are reading, but I can think of numerous examples of books (fiction and nonfiction) as well as movies that describe genuine love that includes sex. I know lots of people with genuine loving relationships whose relationships include sex. What you wrote here was really offensive. Maybe you were just trying to be clever and "spice" things up (as you said), but it is really unkind to suggest that all the relationships of all "allos" boils down to just "wanting sex." That is absolutely not the case and completely misunderstands what sex means to sexual people and what sexual relationships are like.

 

Ceebs was totally justified in her response. I'd suggest if you don't mean to offend people, that you be a little more careful when choosing the way you phrase things.

Uhm, why do you need to tell me this again? She has already told me that, I've realized the mistake and I apologized for it. There isn't really anything else I can do about the existing post. :(

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On 2/7/2019 at 9:34 AM, CBC said:

It was you suggesting that sexual people don't experience love that I thought was utterly ridiculous. But I'm fine, thank you.

I at no time suggested that sexual people don’t experience love... if anything, I was alluding to the fact that for me, the only people I have met that have fallen in love have been sexually active people with each other.

Please go back and read my post again. You won’t find anything in any of my quotes that remotely implies it. My post was wondering if someone “needed one to feel the bond of the other” as I have never liked sex and I have never been in love.

My post was searching for other A-sexual people that were like me and wondering if there were those who had experienced being in love without sex.

If this forum is about people like you coming on and getting snarky after not reading a post and understanding what the need was then maybe this isn’t a place for me.

I was simply reaching out trying to understand myself through the experiences of others with this topic....and instead you didn’t comment with helps or understanding...you replied in the attack at another person who was actually trying their best to give a response in her view.... And then you were snarky at me in the quoted response above.

Like I said, take a beat, tic toc.

 

 

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On 2/7/2019 at 9:49 AM, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Hi. From reading your posts, it sounds to me as though you're an aromantic asexual.

I can’t get my YouTube to work right now. We just got 2 feet of snow and it’s still coming down so my iPad internet connection isn’t strong enough to see video.....

So are you saying that aromantic asexuals don’t fall in love as well as lacking sexual desire? All these terms are completely new to me as I just heard the term asexual for the first time a year ago and realized it explained my lack of a sexual self.

Can you explain what the term aromantic asexual is, if I am misunderstanding please 🙂Thanks

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On 2/7/2019 at 8:13 PM, Spotastic said:

As far as the topic of the thread, I met my wife online and we fell in love well before we had even met each other in person. We've been together for 11 years now. She is not asexual, and we did initially have quite a bit of sex, which was awkward for me, but I contributed that to inexperience. I didn't know I was gray-asexual until 5 years ago. I like the feeling of sex, but feel no inclination to have it. My wife always has to initiate things. It took over a year even after finding out about asexuality to come to a compromise that works for us both, but it took a lot of open communication about our likes and dislikes. The best thing for me, if you're looking for a partner, is to find someone you can really talk to and connect with on more than a superficial level. Sex may or may not play into that for someone.

Thank you for the response Spotastic. Sex is not an option for me, even with compromise. It’s encouraging to hear you fell in love before sex played a part because it gives me hope that it’s still possible for me. I’ve never been lucky enough to feel that bond.

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11 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

aromantic asexuals don’t fall in love as well as lacking sexual desire

Correct, aromantic asexuals don’t experience romantic love (and are asexual).  There are a number of aromantic ace posters here on AVEN.

 

It’s also possible to be aromantic and sexual.

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23 hours ago, jay williams said:

Wow, people can be a little touchy about feelings of love, and feelings of sex, or the absence of any such feelings, and whether the twain meet.

I agree!

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22 hours ago, AndrewT said:

People are allowed different opinions, and if someone states they have never "something", you can't correct them as you have not lived there life.

 

just be and let be

THANK YOU 💐 I appreciated this.

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16 hours ago, MiffKeks said:

Uhm, why do you need to tell me this again? She has already told me that, I've realized the mistake and I apologized for it. There isn't really anything else I can do about the existing post. :(

Ignore it MiffKets. Some people feel the need to be snarky about things and keep up the bullying towards someone who said something they feel they have a right to attack.....

You have just as much right to voice an opinion as anyone. Unfortunately some people feel their opinion is the only valid one so they overreact. 

Personally when I see a posted thread that I can’t add to in a positive way, I use restraint and pass it by rather than attack someone. It would have been nice to see that others could have done the same thing on my posted thread in stead of attacking you.

I'm sorry you have been treated that way 💐

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35 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Correct, aromantic asexuals don’t experience romantic love (and are asexual).

So I’m not alone in my oddity of never falling in love. It’s nice to have a name for what I am. 

Im part of a new study on A-sexuality and so far it’s amazing the results the Drs are finding about why I’m like this. 

Im not allowed to talk to the other people in the study but I do know there are 100 of us.... All of us have zero sexual desire as well as living with no sexual contact, of any kind with a partner.

A year ago a friend of mine told me about a dr friend of hers who was doing a study on people like me. That’s when I found out I was A-sexual. I’m going to ask the dr about this added term the next time I see him.

The brains of people who are A-sexual show a big difference from the normal sexual brain. I will have to share what the dr has found in a post sometime, if people are interested.

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11 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

So I’m not alone in my oddity of never falling in love. 

Not at all!  There are quite a few aromantic aces posting on AVEN.

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8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Not at all!  There are quite a few aromantic aces posting on AVEN.

Aces? Is that short for A-sexual?

What is AVEN?

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1 hour ago, Meta4icalMe said:

Aces? Is that short for A-sexual?

What is AVEN?

Yep. AVEN is short for the Asexuality and Visibility Network.

Regardless of the food fights that sometimes occur here, I want to think that those of us who are off the beaten "sexual" or romantic path should be encouraged to share our thoughts and feelings with each other. It is always great to know that there are other "freaks"  who abound. Please nobody take exception to the word "freak." I use that to identify myself as someone who does not experience love and sexual feelings in a classical textbook way. Absolutely nothing for me to be proud of. But don't want to be ashamed either. It is always great to hear others who fail to experience what the movies tell us is supposed to happen.

 

When we have food fights, we should use cake! 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Meta4icalMe said:

The brains of people who are A-sexual show a big difference from the normal sexual brain. I will have to share what the dr has found in a post sometime, if people are interested.

I'm very interested!

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