Jump to content

Sex and falling in love?? Do you need one for the other to happen?


Meta4icalMe

Recommended Posts

I’m A-sexual and tried to live the normal relationship life, it didn’t work... it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my void of sexuality.

A year ago I finally found out I’m normal in some circles..... The circle of fellow A-sexual people. Sure wish I could have met some great A-sexual guy in my younger years it would have saved me years of feeling like an alien on the fringe of humanity when my life could have been filled with the love of someone wonderful.

Just curious about one thing and I guess it’s the reason for my post. During all those years of trying to live the normal life and trying so hard to find my sexual self, not once have I ever fallen in love, really in love. I loved those guys that were part of my life but never felt in love with single one of them. Was it because of the constant fear of the whole sexual part of trying that walking away became so simple without looking back?

Am I alone in the lack of not being able to fall in love? Has that been part of it for you too? Looking for replies about the parallels of sex and falling in love....does one require the other for such a deep bond???

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have fallen in love a few times. The last time was, in my mind, a truly head over heels love. She wanted to have sex, and I was not able to figure out a way to avoid the situation. I tried to be a good sex act for her. But it was way short of anything but a disaster. I wound up having extreme ambivalence after that. It was the last time I ever had sex with anyone. So I know well the dilemma of falling in love and throwing it all away by having to pretend to enjoy "making love." I was so content with being in love and not having sex. My love feelings and my anti-sex feelings simply clashed, and left me with a sort of schizoid state of mind. Needless to say, that love of life never lasted.

I have always believed that it would have been a happy loving relationship forever if we had never had sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I too cannot remember to have ever fallen in love. But honestly, every time I read something where allos are talking about love it's in fact only about the sex. It's hard to remember if I've ever found an article where it's about how people do good for their partners without ending up in the will to reproduce...

For allos it seems to be like: I carrot/peach you, so I love you (if it's in a relationship and not a one night stand for that matter). It's a way to "proof" actual affection to them.

 

For us however it would often mean: You want to carrot/peach me --> which means that you're interested in my body --> which means you're not interested in me/as a person/emotionally. To a lot of us it means that it's not love when there's sex.

 

Long story short For most aces here sex is seperated from (actual) love.

You DO NOT require peaches-carrots-games for a real deep and unbreakable bond. How else could (for everyone someone else, I suppose) bff's, siblings, moms, dads, grandparents and bros after-the-infamous-bro-code exist?

 

Turning away and going from something that's never been dear to you can be quite easy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Oh, and cake:sugar-lilies-donna-joy-sedona-sweet-artsWe use them as "welcome-gifts" here. Hope, it's your taste :).

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, jay williams said:

I have fallen in love a few times. 

So for you Jay, falling in love is possible without sex. Maybe there’s more broken in my psychology then I thought 😁 Joking aside, I just can’t seem to find that bond inside of me and I’ve always wondered if it was because I’m a sexually inauspicious creature. Thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to reply and letting me know that it’s possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't speak for you, but the expectation, the specter that feelings of love must eventually result in a piv connection is a genuine impediment to seeking a full romantic connection.

@ Miffkeks said "To a lot of us it means that it's not love when there's sex."

I fully agree with that sentiment. Sex is almost like the antithesis of love.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, MiffKeks said:

I too cannot remember to have ever fallen in love.

 

Thank you for your comment MiffKeks 😊 it’s nice to meet someone who identifies with never falling in love and not knowing the intensity of its bond.  

I am very capable of love and feel it strongly for my friends and family, but I have never felt the “In Love Bond” that I see so much around me. I am thankful that my son is not plagued with my sexually inauspiciousness of being A-sexual. He and his fiancé share a love that takes my breath away at times. It’s beautiful and I’m in awe of it..... I just wish I knew what that bond felt like.

My curiosity about why I cannot fall in love has always had me wondering if my A-sexuality was linked with it.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Sex is almost like the antithesis of love.  

For me, they are truly opposites! At least seen through the emotions of this A-sexual woman. ( For what it’s worth anyway 🧐)

As for what seems to be the norm in all other sexual persons, one is aggressively heightened by the other if I’m to consider the opinions of my friends on the subject.

Unfortunately, I lack them both for some crazy reason....I’m sexually void and without the capacity to fall in love....They must be linked somewhere within my psyche.

Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

So for you Jay, falling in love is possible without sex. Maybe there’s more broken in my psychology then I thought 😁 Joking aside, I just can’t seem to find that bond inside of me and I’ve always wondered if it was because I’m a sexually inauspicious creature. Thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to reply and letting me know that it’s possible.

I don't think that there is a single thing "broken" for a person to cringe at the prospect of having sex with another person. There are lots of people who do not feel the earth move or some such thing from copulation. You have "been there, done that," and have no further desire (nor need) to ever have sex again. There should not be any need to have to explain that. Maybe people should be required to explain why they actually desire a piv sex act. I sure don't see any allure to it. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Gross. No. So much no. Nope nope nope. The whole thing, but especially the bolded part. Every single time, huh? What on earth are you reading. Do you think we're just some sort of primitive, emotionally-stunted, sex-crazed apes who haven't developed the capacity to love? Because that's certainly BS. And personally I've absolutely no interest in ever reproducing; my desire to be sexually intimate has nothing whatsoever to do with making babies. Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone.

 

Get off your high horse of asexual elitism.

Please be careful with telling her she is on a high horse of some kind. People clearly have different romantic and sexual feelings. Telling a person she is messed up, because she can't relate to sexual feelings or activities is like telling a person she is messed up because she does not enjoy having someone stick his tongue in her mouth (or because she does enjoy it!) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

There is plenty of debate about what love means, and whether a person experiences real love, or infatuation, or whether a platonic form of love is equal to, superior to, or distinct from eros. . .and on and on. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Maybe people should be required to explain why they actually desire a piv sex act. I sure don't see any allure to it. 

I have these discussions with my friends all the time but I never thought to challenge it in this way... Thanks Jay.

I feel sometimes that I must always explain myself and my lack of sexuality or at not having a man in my life. Even my son wishes I could find a man to enjoy companionship with. He hates that I’m alone and getting older. I explain it’s very difficult, especially in the blasted age of the dreaded and horrifying invention of Viagra! When I was younger I looked forward to getting older and the lack of sexual drive in men.... yeah that really worked out for me 🤨 Leave it to a man to invent a blue pill that destroyed my hope of ever having a relationship. 🤯

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Telling me, and any other sexual people reading this, that we don't know what love is and that sex is just about things like babies or getting off or proving things, is ridiculous. And I always choose my words carefully, so I assume you that I am indeed being careful.

I love your matter-of-fact point of view. I was just fearful that someone might take offense with what you say. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Ceebs. said:

Ok...? And? What's that have to do with sexual people feeling actual love for others?

Some do and some don't. That is all I am saying. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

I have these discussions with my friends all the time but I never thought to challenge it in this way... Thanks Jay.

I feel sometimes that I must always explain myself and my lack of sexuality or at not having a man in my life. Even my son wishes I could find a man to enjoy companionship with. He hates that I’m alone and getting older. I explain it’s very difficult, especially in the blasted age of the dreaded and horrifying invention of Viagra! When I was younger I looked forward to getting older and the lack of sexual drive in men.... yeah that really worked out for me 🤨 Leave it to a man to invent a blue pill that destroyed my hope of ever having a relationship. 🤯

We men are around. . .men who would be enamored of  a woman who does not like sex!

Link to post
Share on other sites
23 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Ok...? And? What's that have to do with sexual people feeling actual love for others?

How about taking a beat? Tic Toc, Girl.....You’ve got a lot of anger on this subject in your replies. Peoples opinions differ Ceebs. Emotions and sexual desires are different and just because they answer differently than how you feel about the subject does not entitle you to attack like they are in some prize fight with you.

Dial your hostility back and take a beat to remember that the world does not conform to you and that we are all individuals with different types of sexuality. No one here has attacked your sexuality....so breath and check yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In my eyes at least sex and love are just two sides of the same coin, and where we prefer one side of said coin, others prefer a balance.

I know I for one have fallen in love without the act of sex, but I fall in love very easily so maybe that says more about me 😅

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Thenarrator said:

In my eyes at least sex and love are just two sides of the same coin, and where we prefer one side of said coin, others prefer a balance.

I know I for one have fallen in love without the act of sex, but I fall in love very easily so maybe that says more about me 😅

 

 

Thenarrator, now I get it.... you’ve been stealing other people’s mojo for falling in love 😂 I’m pretty sure that you got my share of it and yours 😁 

Seriously though, Thank you for replying. I can’t help but wonder why some people fall so easily as you do and then someone like myself who has never felt that intense love bond with a man.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wish I could say, but obviously I've only ever experienced myself so I can't be of much help I'm afraid 😓 All I know is that a lot of people experience love in different forms, so really it's a person-to-person basis. All I've ever known is that from a relationship all I want is love and affection, but someone else might want something more specific.

Regardless, sorry I couldn't really be of much help, I just thought I'd want to let you know that it is possible to have one without the other 😊

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Thenarrator said:

In my eyes at least sex and love are just two sides of the same coin, and where we prefer one side of said coin, others prefer a balance.

This is the prettiest thing that I've read today. ❤️

 

54 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Gross. No. So much no. Nope nope nope. The whole thing, but especially the bolded part. Every single time, huh? What on earth are you reading. Do you think we're just some sort of primitive, emotionally-stunted, sex-crazed apes who haven't developed the capacity to love? Because that's certainly BS. And personally I've absolutely no interest in ever reproducing; my desire to be sexually intimate has nothing whatsoever to do with making babies. Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone.

 

Get off your high horse of asexual elitism.

I am just reading articles about relationships and love like a lot of people do and I did not intend to call allos primitive. You probably wouldn't notice it when reading the exact same thing because to you it's normal and an established fact that sex is positive and belongs to love.

Please try to see this from my perspective: Almost no-where sexless relationships are brought up and if they are then only so when something is considered wrong. The tone is always that a relationship is going down to hell when the sex is getting less or "missing". Even the expression "missing" is an interpretation which is talking about a "lack". And lack for that atter is considered bad.

 

The fact that love can work without it is never taken into consideration in the mainstream. (Unless you're explicitely searching for "asexual". Just typing in "relationship without sex" mostly ends with you landing on amateur psychological websites and forums where people are told that they must be broken or sick then.

 

And especially from women it's expected that they "want to have babies because it's their nature". I can completely understand if that's annoying as hell to you. (I don't want to be a mum either, ever). And I'm sorry if I made you feel like you were being reduced to an "ape". All I wanted to do was to spice up my post a little (and try, stress on TRY to be funny) by not always typing the word "sex".

 

However I don't understand why you say: "Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone." It's an offense to me and it's not like we know each other well enough for you to judge about this fact-

There are countless and countless of ways to show someone how much you love them. In my case it cannot be sex, though. And no matter how strong love is, no one can ever do EVERYTHING for their partner. There are limits to everything, as you know. A good relationship means arrangements on both sides. But I'll stop now because I don't believe that you need any more lecturing here.

 

(The post got long pretty quick again. Whoops...)

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Thenarrator said:

I just thought I'd want to let you know that it is possible to have one without the other 😊

But you did help. My question is looking for replies so that I may form a consensus in my own logic about whether I’m alone in this emotional oddity.... if there is or isn’t a link possibility with my own sexual and “in love” incapabilities. Each answer helps 😉

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, MiffKeks said:

However I don't understand why you say: "Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone." It's an offense to me and it's not like we know each other well enough for you to judge about this fact-

There are countless and countless of ways to show someone how much you love them. In my case it cannot be sex, though. And no matter how strong love is, no one can ever do EVERYTHING for their partner. There are limits to everything, as you know. A good relationship means arrangements on both sides. But I'll stop now because I don't believe that you need any more lecturing here.

Well said MiffKeks. I enjoyed your entire reply post to Ceebs because it was a class act! I particularly loved this part because it was without malice in your response to her attack. Thank you for the wisdom in the way you handled yourself! Bravo girl!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

14 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

But you did help. My question is looking for replies so that I may form a consensus in my own logic about whether I’m alone in this emotional oddity.

Well then I'm glad to be of assistance then ❤️ 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Those of us who do not have the storybook experience of falling in love, and then "making love" are presumably outliers. But we are what we are. More and more, we learn that there are all manner of gender and sexual variations among people. It is true we don't much hear about variations of romantic or human love. It would be interesting to learn more about that. 

Here is an interesting article about 7 types of love:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Those of us who do not have the storybook experience of falling in love, and then "making love" are presumably outliers. But we are what we are. More and more, we learn that there are all manner of gender and sexual variations among people. It is true we don't much hear about variations of romantic or human love. It would be interesting to learn more about that. 

Here is an interesting article about 7 types of love:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love

Sweeeeeeet, thanks! <3

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

There's absolutely no logical connection there at all. For most people, being interested is part of being interested in them as a person. 

Good to hear that there're people out there who do not think so.

Though one question? On here and on all kinds of websites is stated that the first interest people take into others is through physical attractivity and that they are to say: "I'd have intercourse with this person" and that personality and chemistry come next. Which shall explain why a lot of people are fine with one-night-stands and are very expectand towards potential partners they want "to keep to themselves". Often enough the reason behind this seems to be sought in subconcious-bilogical-reproductive phenomena.

 

 

 

Over the last few years there have been more and more articles, videos etc. trying to be advisors for all things in life completely insecuring a lot of people in terms of relationships, how to get into them and stay together. Especially celebs with their constant marriage-divorce-games and cheating escapades, invented by yellow press, or not have done no good... so they say. How are your experiences?

 

All kinds of statistics and opinion polls suggest that there are, well maybe they're not actually more cheaters than there were in the past.... uhm... so I'll go with: It's stated that a lot of people are cheating on their partners (for all kinds of reasons) or already looking for "better ones" while still being in relationships. Rumor has it that breaking up is something easy today and nobody actually feels bad, at all. (Probably mostly coming from the older generations???) Of course, I cannot prove that these polls and stats are correct but they make people believe that they are which leads to distrust.

 

And since everyone shall have mister- or misses-right nobody is allowed to just be happy with the one they're together with. Optimization, jeez...

 

Is it just me or is media using these insecurities to their advantage? They're telling people that success has to be connected to attractivity and that said attractivity musn't come with personality? Which would people lead to only look for physically attractive partners and then wondering why they either can't get one or aren't happy. Conspiracy.... *makes spooky sounds*. No seriously, it started in primary school that the first girls of my class started to call those losers who weren't in a "relationship" and be mean to each other when one of their "friends" had a "boyfriend" to b """even""" since they themselves didn't get one... ... ...

 

 

Oh my gosh... I've drifted so far away from what you stated XD.

I'm so sorry! Here, take a slice for cake ;-;!

chocolate-mousse-cake-slice_illustration_purpose.jpg

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. From reading your posts, it sounds to me as though you're an aromantic asexual.

 

7 hours ago, Meta4icalMe said:

...Looking for replies about the parallels of sex and falling in love....does one require the other for such a deep bond???...

I don't know whether this is exactly what you were asking about, but here's a YouTube clip of a psychologist and therapist who explains that, for some people, they do experience a "split-attraction," where their sexual and romantic orientations don't line up the way they do for most people. He also talks about asexuality, aromanticism, etc. a few minutes later, in the clip.

 

https://youtu.be/dyfsJT14qPQ?t=499

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Ceebs. I like your bluntness, but understand how it puts people on the defensive. You certainly have an interesting point of view that I respect, though.

 

@MiffKeks I love how you get so involved in what you're talking about that you just keep going and going. 😀

 

As far as the topic of the thread, I met my wife online and we fell in love well before we had even met each other in person. We've been together for 11 years now. She is not asexual, and we did initially have quite a bit of sex, which was awkward for me, but I contributed that to inexperience. I didn't know I was gray-asexual until 5 years ago. I like the feeling of sex, but feel no inclination to have it. My wife always has to initiate things. It took over a year even after finding out about asexuality to come to a compromise that works for us both, but it took a lot of open communication about our likes and dislikes. The best thing for me, if you're looking for a partner, is to find someone you can really talk to and connect with on more than a superficial level. Sex may or may not play into that for someone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Fair enough I guess, however you said that you'd never been "in love" with anyone. I assumed we were talking about "in love" love rather than things like companionate or familial love. If you've never experienced that type of love for someone (which, personally, encompasses other forms of love as well, like friendship and companionate love), then it seems that I've experienced something to a degree that you haven't.

Ah, thanks for clarifying. To be honest here I haven't made the step in my thoughts that would have been necessary to put "in love"-love and familial-love into two different categories. I have to confess that I believed, or still believe that the two must generally work in the same manner with the only real difference that partners would have intercourse if they so please, uhm... and that they're not part of the same family-tree. (Which obviously is the norm in this world).

 

I'm troubled with all the talking about sex. It so often sounds like that when two love each other that they have to have sex or their relationship is illegit. And I really don't understand why having sex is treated as a "more" rather than "one possbility" to show how much people care for each other. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Spotastic said:

@MiffKeks I love how you get so involved in what you're talking about that you just keep going and going. 😀

 

NOOOOO! XD. I'm gonna talk people to death one day ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...