Jump to content
Meta4icalMe

Sex and falling in love?? Do you need one for the other to happen?

Recommended Posts

Meta4icalMe

I’m A-sexual and tried to live the normal relationship life, it didn’t work... it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my void of sexuality.

A year ago I finally found out I’m normal in some circles..... The circle of fellow A-sexual people. Sure wish I could have met some great A-sexual guy in my younger years it would have saved me years of feeling like an alien on the fringe of humanity when my life could have been filled with the love of someone wonderful.

Just curious about one thing and I guess it’s the reason for my post. During all those years of trying to live the normal life and trying so hard to find my sexual self, not once have I ever fallen in love, really in love. I loved those guys that were part of my life but never felt in love with single one of them. Was it because of the constant fear of the whole sexual part of trying that walking away became so simple without looking back?

Am I alone in the lack of not being able to fall in love? Has that been part of it for you too? Looking for replies about the parallels of sex and falling in love....does one require the other for such a deep bond???

 

Edited by Meta4icalMe
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams

I have fallen in love a few times. The last time was, in my mind, a truly head over heels love. She wanted to have sex, and I was not able to figure out a way to avoid the situation. I tried to be a good sex act for her. But it was way short of anything but a disaster. I wound up having extreme ambivalence after that. It was the last time I ever had sex with anyone. So I know well the dilemma of falling in love and throwing it all away by having to pretend to enjoy "making love." I was so content with being in love and not having sex. My love feelings and my anti-sex feelings simply clashed, and left me with a sort of schizoid state of mind. Needless to say, that love of life never lasted.

I have always believed that it would have been a happy loving relationship forever if we had never had sex.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MiffKeks

I too cannot remember to have ever fallen in love. But honestly, every time I read something where allos are talking about love it's in fact only about the sex. It's hard to remember if I've ever found an article where it's about how people do good for their partners without ending up in the will to reproduce...

For allos it seems to be like: I carrot/peach you, so I love you (if it's in a relationship and not a one night stand for that matter). It's a way to "proof" actual affection to them.

 

For us however it would often mean: You want to carrot/peach me --> which means that you're interested in my body --> which means you're not interested in me/as a person/emotionally. To a lot of us it means that it's not love when there's sex.

 

Long story short For most aces here sex is seperated from (actual) love.

You DO NOT require peaches-carrots-games for a real deep and unbreakable bond. How else could (for everyone someone else, I suppose) bff's, siblings, moms, dads, grandparents and bros after-the-infamous-bro-code exist?

 

Turning away and going from something that's never been dear to you can be quite easy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Oh, and cake:sugar-lilies-donna-joy-sedona-sweet-artsWe use them as "welcome-gifts" here. Hope, it's your taste :).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
3 minutes ago, jay williams said:

I have fallen in love a few times. 

So for you Jay, falling in love is possible without sex. Maybe there’s more broken in my psychology then I thought 😁 Joking aside, I just can’t seem to find that bond inside of me and I’ve always wondered if it was because I’m a sexually inauspicious creature. Thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to reply and letting me know that it’s possible.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams

I can't speak for you, but the expectation, the specter that feelings of love must eventually result in a piv connection is a genuine impediment to seeking a full romantic connection.

@ Miffkeks said "To a lot of us it means that it's not love when there's sex."

I fully agree with that sentiment. Sex is almost like the antithesis of love.  

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
9 minutes ago, MiffKeks said:

I too cannot remember to have ever fallen in love.

 

Thank you for your comment MiffKeks 😊 it’s nice to meet someone who identifies with never falling in love and not knowing the intensity of its bond.  

I am very capable of love and feel it strongly for my friends and family, but I have never felt the “In Love Bond” that I see so much around me. I am thankful that my son is not plagued with my sexually inauspiciousness of being A-sexual. He and his fiancé share a love that takes my breath away at times. It’s beautiful and I’m in awe of it..... I just wish I knew what that bond felt like.

My curiosity about why I cannot fall in love has always had me wondering if my A-sexuality was linked with it.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
6 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Sex is almost like the antithesis of love.  

For me, they are truly opposites! At least seen through the emotions of this A-sexual woman. ( For what it’s worth anyway 🧐)

As for what seems to be the norm in all other sexual persons, one is aggressively heightened by the other if I’m to consider the opinions of my friends on the subject.

Unfortunately, I lack them both for some crazy reason....I’m sexually void and without the capacity to fall in love....They must be linked somewhere within my psyche.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
39 minutes ago, MiffKeks said:

But honestly, every time I read something where allos are talking about love it's in fact only about the sex. It's hard to remember if I've ever found an article where it's about how people do good for their partners without ending up in the will to reproduce...

For allos it seems to be like: I carrot/peach you, so I love you (if it's in a relationship and not a one night stand for that matter). It's a way to "proof" actual affection to them.

Gross. No. So much no. Nope nope nope. The whole thing, but especially the bolded part. Every single time, huh? What on earth are you reading. Do you think we're just some sort of primitive, emotionally-stunted, sex-crazed apes who haven't developed the capacity to love? Because that's certainly BS. And personally I've absolutely no interest in ever reproducing; my desire to be sexually intimate has nothing whatsoever to do with making babies. Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone.

 

Get off your high horse of asexual elitism.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
29 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

So for you Jay, falling in love is possible without sex. Maybe there’s more broken in my psychology then I thought 😁 Joking aside, I just can’t seem to find that bond inside of me and I’ve always wondered if it was because I’m a sexually inauspicious creature. Thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to reply and letting me know that it’s possible.

I don't think that there is a single thing "broken" for a person to cringe at the prospect of having sex with another person. There are lots of people who do not feel the earth move or some such thing from copulation. You have "been there, done that," and have no further desire (nor need) to ever have sex again. There should not be any need to have to explain that. Maybe people should be required to explain why they actually desire a piv sex act. I sure don't see any allure to it. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
6 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Gross. No. So much no. Nope nope nope. The whole thing, but especially the bolded part. Every single time, huh? What on earth are you reading. Do you think we're just some sort of primitive, emotionally-stunted, sex-crazed apes who haven't developed the capacity to love? Because that's certainly BS. And personally I've absolutely no interest in ever reproducing; my desire to be sexually intimate has nothing whatsoever to do with making babies. Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone.

 

Get off your high horse of asexual elitism.

Please be careful with telling her she is on a high horse of some kind. People clearly have different romantic and sexual feelings. Telling a person she is messed up, because she can't relate to sexual feelings or activities is like telling a person she is messed up because she does not enjoy having someone stick his tongue in her mouth (or because she does enjoy it!) 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Telling me, and any other sexual people reading this, that we don't know what love is and that sex is just about things like babies or getting off or proving things, is ridiculous. And I always choose my words carefully, so I assure you that I am indeed being careful.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams

There is plenty of debate about what love means, and whether a person experiences real love, or infatuation, or whether a platonic form of love is equal to, superior to, or distinct from eros. . .and on and on. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Ok...? And? What's that have to do with sexual people feeling actual love for others?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
5 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Maybe people should be required to explain why they actually desire a piv sex act. I sure don't see any allure to it. 

I have these discussions with my friends all the time but I never thought to challenge it in this way... Thanks Jay.

I feel sometimes that I must always explain myself and my lack of sexuality or at not having a man in my life. Even my son wishes I could find a man to enjoy companionship with. He hates that I’m alone and getting older. I explain it’s very difficult, especially in the blasted age of the dreaded and horrifying invention of Viagra! When I was younger I looked forward to getting older and the lack of sexual drive in men.... yeah that really worked out for me 🤨 Leave it to a man to invent a blue pill that destroyed my hope of ever having a relationship. 🤯

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Telling me, and any other sexual people reading this, that we don't know what love is and that sex is just about things like babies or getting off or proving things, is ridiculous. And I always choose my words carefully, so I assume you that I am indeed being careful.

I love your matter-of-fact point of view. I was just fearful that someone might take offense with what you say. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
1 minute ago, Ceebs. said:

Ok...? And? What's that have to do with sexual people feeling actual love for others?

Some do and some don't. That is all I am saying. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams
5 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

I have these discussions with my friends all the time but I never thought to challenge it in this way... Thanks Jay.

I feel sometimes that I must always explain myself and my lack of sexuality or at not having a man in my life. Even my son wishes I could find a man to enjoy companionship with. He hates that I’m alone and getting older. I explain it’s very difficult, especially in the blasted age of the dreaded and horrifying invention of Viagra! When I was younger I looked forward to getting older and the lack of sexual drive in men.... yeah that really worked out for me 🤨 Leave it to a man to invent a blue pill that destroyed my hope of ever having a relationship. 🤯

We men are around. . .men who would be enamored of  a woman who does not like sex!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
8 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Some do and some don't. That is all I am saying. 

Sure, and some asexuals feel love and some don't. So?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
23 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Ok...? And? What's that have to do with sexual people feeling actual love for others?

How about taking a beat? Tic Toc, Girl.....You’ve got a lot of anger on this subject in your replies. Peoples opinions differ Ceebs. Emotions and sexual desires are different and just because they answer differently than how you feel about the subject does not entitle you to attack like they are in some prize fight with you.

Dial your hostility back and take a beat to remember that the world does not conform to you and that we are all individuals with different types of sexuality. No one here has attacked your sexuality....so breath and check yourself.

Edited by Meta4icalMe
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thenarrator

In my eyes at least sex and love are just two sides of the same coin, and where we prefer one side of said coin, others prefer a balance.

I know I for one have fallen in love without the act of sex, but I fall in love very easily so maybe that says more about me 😅

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
4 minutes ago, Thenarrator said:

In my eyes at least sex and love are just two sides of the same coin, and where we prefer one side of said coin, others prefer a balance.

I know I for one have fallen in love without the act of sex, but I fall in love very easily so maybe that says more about me 😅

 

 

Thenarrator, now I get it.... you’ve been stealing other people’s mojo for falling in love 😂 I’m pretty sure that you got my share of it and yours 😁 

Seriously though, Thank you for replying. I can’t help but wonder why some people fall so easily as you do and then someone like myself who has never felt that intense love bond with a man.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thenarrator

Wish I could say, but obviously I've only ever experienced myself so I can't be of much help I'm afraid 😓 All I know is that a lot of people experience love in different forms, so really it's a person-to-person basis. All I've ever known is that from a relationship all I want is love and affection, but someone else might want something more specific.

Regardless, sorry I couldn't really be of much help, I just thought I'd want to let you know that it is possible to have one without the other 😊

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MiffKeks
8 minutes ago, Thenarrator said:

In my eyes at least sex and love are just two sides of the same coin, and where we prefer one side of said coin, others prefer a balance.

This is the prettiest thing that I've read today. ❤️

 

54 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Gross. No. So much no. Nope nope nope. The whole thing, but especially the bolded part. Every single time, huh? What on earth are you reading. Do you think we're just some sort of primitive, emotionally-stunted, sex-crazed apes who haven't developed the capacity to love? Because that's certainly BS. And personally I've absolutely no interest in ever reproducing; my desire to be sexually intimate has nothing whatsoever to do with making babies. Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone.

 

Get off your high horse of asexual elitism.

I am just reading articles about relationships and love like a lot of people do and I did not intend to call allos primitive. You probably wouldn't notice it when reading the exact same thing because to you it's normal and an established fact that sex is positive and belongs to love.

Please try to see this from my perspective: Almost no-where sexless relationships are brought up and if they are then only so when something is considered wrong. The tone is always that a relationship is going down to hell when the sex is getting less or "missing". Even the expression "missing" is an interpretation which is talking about a "lack". And lack for that atter is considered bad.

 

The fact that love can work without it is never taken into consideration in the mainstream. (Unless you're explicitely searching for "asexual". Just typing in "relationship without sex" mostly ends with you landing on amateur psychological websites and forums where people are told that they must be broken or sick then.

 

And especially from women it's expected that they "want to have babies because it's their nature". I can completely understand if that's annoying as hell to you. (I don't want to be a mum either, ever). And I'm sorry if I made you feel like you were being reduced to an "ape". All I wanted to do was to spice up my post a little (and try, stress on TRY to be funny) by not always typing the word "sex".

 

However I don't understand why you say: "Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone." It's an offense to me and it's not like we know each other well enough for you to judge about this fact-

There are countless and countless of ways to show someone how much you love them. In my case it cannot be sex, though. And no matter how strong love is, no one can ever do EVERYTHING for their partner. There are limits to everything, as you know. A good relationship means arrangements on both sides. But I'll stop now because I don't believe that you need any more lecturing here.

 

(The post got long pretty quick again. Whoops...)

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
7 minutes ago, Thenarrator said:

I just thought I'd want to let you know that it is possible to have one without the other 😊

But you did help. My question is looking for replies so that I may form a consensus in my own logic about whether I’m alone in this emotional oddity.... if there is or isn’t a link possibility with my own sexual and “in love” incapabilities. Each answer helps 😉

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Meta4icalMe
10 minutes ago, MiffKeks said:

However I don't understand why you say: "Plus it appears that I love my partner exponentially more than you've ever loved anyone." It's an offense to me and it's not like we know each other well enough for you to judge about this fact-

There are countless and countless of ways to show someone how much you love them. In my case it cannot be sex, though. And no matter how strong love is, no one can ever do EVERYTHING for their partner. There are limits to everything, as you know. A good relationship means arrangements on both sides. But I'll stop now because I don't believe that you need any more lecturing here.

Well said MiffKeks. I enjoyed your entire reply post to Ceebs because it was a class act! I particularly loved this part because it was without malice in your response to her attack. Thank you for the wisdom in the way you handled yourself! Bravo girl!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thenarrator

 

14 minutes ago, Meta4icalMe said:

But you did help. My question is looking for replies so that I may form a consensus in my own logic about whether I’m alone in this emotional oddity.

Well then I'm glad to be of assistance then ❤️ 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jay williams

Those of us who do not have the storybook experience of falling in love, and then "making love" are presumably outliers. But we are what we are. More and more, we learn that there are all manner of gender and sexual variations among people. It is true we don't much hear about variations of romantic or human love. It would be interesting to learn more about that. 

Here is an interesting article about 7 types of love:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MiffKeks
2 minutes ago, jay williams said:

Those of us who do not have the storybook experience of falling in love, and then "making love" are presumably outliers. But we are what we are. More and more, we learn that there are all manner of gender and sexual variations among people. It is true we don't much hear about variations of romantic or human love. It would be interesting to learn more about that. 

Here is an interesting article about 7 types of love:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love

Sweeeeeeet, thanks! <3

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
4 hours ago, MiffKeks said:

you're interested in my body --> which means you're not interested in me/as a person/emotionally

There's absolutely no logical connection there at all. For most people, being interested in their body is part of being interested in them as a person. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...