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Questioning whether I'm aromantic


AmazingGrAce

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Since discovering my asexuality, I have always identified as heteroromantic. However of late I have begun to question whether I might be aromantic too. 

 

I have had two proper relationships, and in both the other person 'fell in love' with me, but I never reciprocated. After the second of these relationships ended, I started wondering whether I am actually capable of romantic love. The thing is that I would ideally like a romantic relationship, but I'm not sure if I actually want one in practice. These past experiences didn't pan out the way I thought they might because I didn't love the person in both instances, and I ended up feeling a bit smothered and then guilty that I didn't have the same feelings. 

 

It's a bit like I want to fall in love with someone and have that romantic relationship, but I'm not sure if I'm actually capable of that. 

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Galactic Turtle

 I think people often forget that romantic love, generally speaking, is somewhat rare. Still there are many who for a time do view themselves as being in love with someone. One of my friends, for example, claims to have fallen in love with all of her boyfriends since middle school. That's seven people over fifteen years. My other friend has had five boyfriends and has only viewed herself as being in love with one of them and even that seems to fluctuate depending on her mood that day. Being in love with someone is the "successful end result" of the seed that is romantic attraction so when we're talking about romantic orientations, it is my view that we're talking about that seed. This might just be my ignorance as someone who views themselves as aromantic, but measuring things by the amount of times you actually fall in love with someone seems to be a flawed metric. Many will probably not agree with me. :P 

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There could be a chance that you're cupioromantic. Here's is a link to a thread that can be helpful:

 

 

But if you're still not quite sure you can indetify as gray-romantic it does mean that you expirience romantic attraction rarley or sometimes but it can also mean that you're questioning your romantic attraction.

 

(I advise you look into it a bit more yourself I'm not quite good with explaining things).

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47 minutes ago, Shush said:

There could be a chance that you're cupioromantic. Here's is a link to a thread that can be helpful:

 

 

But if you're still not quite sure you can indetify as gray-romantic it does mean that you expirience romantic attraction rarley or sometimes but it can also mean that you're questioning your romantic attraction.

 

(I advise you look into it a bit more yourself I'm not quite good with explaining things).

That's a very interesting thread thanks and I think maybe cupioromanticism makes sense for me. I've gone through periods where I've not understood other aces (who probably must be aros) who have expressed that they are perfectly happy not having romantic relationships. 

 

As I say, I've come to the point where I think I don't experience romantic attraction but I still have that abstract wish to experience it and have romantic relationships. Unfortunately this combination can feel akin to torture at times..... 

 

I think a QPR might be nice to have, though I worry that the other person would not be able to cope with that if they developed any romantic/sexual feelings. It'd most likely need to be with another person who is ace and aro. 

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15 minutes ago, AmazingGrAce said:

That's a very interesting thread thanks and I think maybe cupioromanticism makes sense for me. I've gone through periods where I've not understood other aces (who probably must be aros) who have expressed that they are perfectly happy not having romantic relationships. 

 

As I say, I've come to the point where I think I don't experience romantic attraction but I still have that abstract wish to experience it and have romantic relationships. Unfortunately this combination can feel akin to torture at times..... 

 

I think a QPR might be nice to have, though I worry that the other person would not be able to cope with that if they developed any romantic/sexual feelings. It'd most likely need to be with another person who is ace and aro. 

 

I'm glad I could somewhat help you!

 

But I guess It doesn't matter how you indetify, relationships will always be complicated and the wost you just can't help it.

 

I have also seen some people on YouTube that are cupioromantic and that are talking about how they felt or how they feel mabye that could help too if you haven't thought of serching it there. But keep in minde everyones feelings are different.

 

I wish you the best of luck in further understanding your feelings and with finding your partner!

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chocolate_lover

I literally could have written this post myself! 

I'm still trying to figure the same thing out for myself, although I have thought along the lines of Galactic Turtle's argument - that actually falling in love is rare, so perhaps I can't read much into my limited experience - I have only had one proper relationship. For me, I didn't experience a strong "infatuation" in the relationship in the first place, as well as not developing the longer-term attachment (ie. "true love"). I was always aware that my boyfriend felt more strongly than me, and that's where the feeling of me "lacking" something came from. But I'm sure this can happen to romantic people. 

 

I guess the only way I can find out what I'm capable of feeling is to get more experience of relationships! 

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On 2/4/2019 at 8:13 PM, Shush said:

 

I'm glad I could somewhat help you!

 

But I guess It doesn't matter how you indetify, relationships will always be complicated and the wost you just can't help it.

 

I have also seen some people on YouTube that are cupioromantic and that are talking about how they felt or how they feel mabye that could help too if you haven't thought of serching it there. But keep in minde everyones feelings are different.

 

I wish you the best of luck in further understanding your feelings and with finding your partner!

I'll have a look on YouTube and see then, thank you for the suggestion. 

 

On 2/5/2019 at 7:44 AM, chocolate_lover said:

I literally could have written this post myself! 

I'm still trying to figure the same thing out for myself, although I have thought along the lines of Galactic Turtle's argument - that actually falling in love is rare, so perhaps I can't read much into my limited experience - I have only had one proper relationship. For me, I didn't experience a strong "infatuation" in the relationship in the first place, as well as not developing the longer-term attachment (ie. "true love"). I was always aware that my boyfriend felt more strongly than me, and that's where the feeling of me "lacking" something came from. But I'm sure this can happen to romantic people. 

 

I guess the only way I can find out what I'm capable of feeling is to get more experience of relationships! 

As a general comment I do think that determining romantic orientation is far harder than determining whether you are asexual or not. I think this is especially the case since allosexuals do not need to make this distinction as much as we in the asexual community do as they do not necessarily need to separate their sexual and romantic orientations, whereas often we do, or at least need to consider them separately. 

More experience may help, but I think for me personally I need to stay away from relationships for a bit. 

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chocolate_lover

Since writing my last reply, when I'd just started questioning my "romanticism", I've changed my mind somewhat and am fairly sure again that I'm not aromantic. That's because I do get crushes and have feelings which I'm sure are romantic in nature - it's just being "in love" that I haven't experienced. And I've only really had one opportunity to experience this. 

 

Do you experience lower level romantic attraction like crushes?

 

Also, out of curiosity, if I can ask, did you feel like your previous relationships were everything you wanted yet you still didn't fall in love? Or were there things which made you doubt whether they were "the one" for you? 

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16 minutes ago, chocolate_lover said:

Since writing my last reply, when I'd just started questioning my "romanticism", I've changed my mind somewhat and am fairly sure again that I'm not aromantic. That's because I do get crushes and have feelings which I'm sure are romantic in nature - it's just being "in love" that I haven't experienced. And I've only really had one opportunity to experience this. 

 

Do you experience lower level romantic attraction like crushes?

 

Also, out of curiosity, if I can ask, did you feel like your previous relationships were everything you wanted yet you still didn't fall in love? Or were there things which made you doubt whether they were "the one" for you? 

That's fair enough!

I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think so. I think I just like certain personalities but in a platonic I'd-like-to-get-to-know-you kind of way. 

They kind of started off with a certain excitement, the thrill of the novel. However as they went on I started to feel trapped a little and began to find more faults with the other person in question until I wanted out, and felt guilty for doing so when they clearly had developed strong feelings for me. 

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chocolate_lover
On 2/6/2019 at 11:17 PM, AmazingGrAce said:

That's fair enough!

I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think so. I think I just like certain personalities but in a platonic I'd-like-to-get-to-know-you kind of way. 

They kind of started off with a certain excitement, the thrill of the novel. However as they went on I started to feel trapped a little and began to find more faults with the other person in question until I wanted out, and felt guilty for doing so when they clearly had developed strong feelings for me. 

That does sound similar to my own relationship - I just hope I could feel differently in other relationships in the future.

 

I keep changing my mind about all this over the past few days - going back and forth between being quite sure I experience genuine romantic attraction, and having doubts.

 

I've just asked a question on here myself, and I'd be interested to know if my experience of "romantic attraction" is something you relate to, or something different?

 

 

 

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Littlemermaid223
On 2/4/2019 at 10:08 AM, AmazingGrAce said:

Since discovering my asexuality, I have always identified as heteroromantic. However of late I have begun to question whether I might be aromantic too. 

 

I have had two proper relationships, and in both the other person 'fell in love' with me, but I never reciprocated. After the second of these relationships ended, I started wondering whether I am actually capable of romantic love. The thing is that I would ideally like a romantic relationship, but I'm not sure if I actually want one in practice. These past experiences didn't pan out the way I thought they might because I didn't love the person in both instances, and I ended up feeling a bit smothered and then guilty that I didn't have the same feelings. 

 

It's a bit like I want to fall in love with someone and have that romantic relationship, but I'm not sure if I'm actually capable of that. 

I am the same exact way. I love the idea of a good relationship, but in practice... I would rather be alone because I realize I don’t truly feel anything for them. It’s an extremely frustrating situation.

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On 2/9/2019 at 11:19 AM, chocolate_lover said:

That does sound similar to my own relationship - I just hope I could feel differently in other relationships in the future.

 

I keep changing my mind about all this over the past few days - going back and forth between being quite sure I experience genuine romantic attraction, and having doubts.

 

I've just asked a question on here myself, and I'd be interested to know if my experience of "romantic attraction" is something you relate to, or something different?

 

 

 

Thinking and fantasising about the person when I’m not with them - I do do this a little, but I also do it with people I have platonic relationships with (not the fantasising bit though obviously)

 

Getting adrenaline rushes and a fast heart beat if I’m close to them - I don't get this

 

Feeling sensually attracted to them (wanting to touch/hug/sometimes kiss them) and more so with stronger crushes - I'm not a very touchy-feely person, so not really

 

Wanting their attention/flirting with them - to a small extent

 

Wanting them to feel the same way about me (although not necessarily wanting to act on it) - I do I suppose, but I also don't when they think I like them very much and have the same strong feelings they do when I don't actually feel those things

 

May want to do things to please them and show I care (with stronger crushes) - To an extent, but not massively

 

Feeling jealous if they show interest in other people - not always

 

With people I’ve had stronger feelings for, when I’ve had an “intimate” encounter with them (eg. a night of kissing/cuddling/being affectionate) I enjoy the intimacy of it and feel “on a high” afterwards - I usually have mixed feelings after such an event

So I suppose in summary I can't really relate to most of this!

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On 2/12/2019 at 2:01 PM, Littlemermaid223 said:

I am the same exact way. I love the idea of a good relationship, but in practice... I would rather be alone because I realize I don’t truly feel anything for them. It’s an extremely frustrating situation.

I completely share your frustration. 

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