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How do you use the words "flatter" or "flattery"?


LeChat

How do you use the words "flatter" or "flattery"?  

31 members have voted

  1. 1. How do you use the words "flatter" or "flattery"?

    • I use the word(s) in a positive context (e.g. giving a positive compliment.)
      6
    • I use the word(s) in a negative context (e.g. when you feel someone is insincere/deceitful.)
      3
    • I use the word(s) in a postive and negative context.
      18
    • I don't use these words.
      4
  2. 2. How have you come across others using the words "flatter" or "flattery"?

    • I've come across others using the word(s) in a positive context (e.g. giving a positive compliment.)
      4
    • I've come across others using the word(s) in a negative context (e.g. when they feel someone is insincere/deceitful.)
      4
    • I've come across others using the word(s) in a postive and negative context.
      21
    • I haven't come across others using these words.
      2

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:) I know this probably sounds like a ridiculous, strange question to ask, but I was wondering whether or not the context of the word "flatter," "flattery," etc. has changed through time, for the current generation or not. See, when I was growing up, "flatter" was used in a positive, joking context, in movies, as in as situation with two friends, where one would give the other a compliment and the other would respond in an embarrassed way, saying, "Oh, stop. You flatter me."

 

Well, looking at online dictionaries, most give a definition of it in a negative context, as though someone who uses it is using it with an ulterior motive in mind, which ended up confusing me when someone else used it (because I wasn't sure whether or not they'd thought I was giving a sincere compliment or not.)

 

 
Quote

flat·ter·y

Dictionary result for flattery

/ˈfladərē/
noun
noun: flattery; plural noun: flatteries
  1. excessive and insincere praise, given especially to further one's own interests.
    "his healthy distrust of courtiers' flattery"
    synonyms: praise, adulation, compliments, blandishments, admiration, honeyed words, pats on the back; More
    fawning, simpering, puffery, blarney, cajolery, wheedling;
    informalsweet talk, soft soap, spiel, buttering up, cosying up, toadying, currying favor, weasel words;
    informalflannel;
    vulgar slangarse-kissing, arse-licking;
    vulgar slangbrown-nosing, ass-kissing, ass-licking;
    rarelaudation
    "the old man sounded mollified by the flattery"
    antonyms: criticism

 

 

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/flatter?s=t

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flattery

 

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I'm old, and I've always thought of "flattery" in a negative light.  You get "complimented" on something that is earned/deserved, but "flattered" by people who want you to think something is deserved when it is not.  It could just be politeness ("Yes, you look great in that dress!) but is often used to "butter up" someone to get some favor. (Oh, you are the smartest person I know, so will you help me with ______?)

 

I have occasionally heard someone use "flatter" and "compliment" to mean the same thing, but mostly not.

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I find it can be both negative and positive. It depends on what it is used for and how it is said. 

 

I get it can be used to gain favor but I get it can also just be used to cheer or make someone smile. I see it the same as complimenting someone or praising them even if it is over exaggerated. 

 

I got it from books lol. 

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@AwkwardSquid Thanks, for your comment! :) Yes; it was just that, with only the words--and after checking the definition--I couldn't tell whether or not the other person thought I was sincerely complimenting them in the first place, or exaggerating my praise.

 

So, I went with the "negative" definition, thinking they'd used "flatter" to mean that they thought I was being insincere or exaggerating my praise in order to "get something" from them, and it turned out to be meant in a positive, thankful way (they didn't know it had a negative context.) So, we were just wondering whether or not the definition had changed to mean more of a negative context than a positive one, nowadays. 

 

:) It makes it challenging to communicate when a word has both a positive and negative connotation--even with some context--because it's difficult to know whether it's taken as a sincere compliment or in an over-exaggerated way.

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firewallflower

Very interesting question! (And no, not ridiculous/strange at all—quite intriguing. :))

 

I'm used and heard "flatter" and "flattery" in both senses. One of the definitions provided by my computer's dictionary is "give an unrealistically favorable impression of," and that's how I typically use/take the word to mean, whether with positive or negative connotations in the specific context—and it can be either without deviating from this definition. If one is "buttering someone up" for ulterior motives (a usage of the word I'm familiar with), they are presumably being insincere, deliberately giving an "unrealistically favorable impression" of the person with whom they're trying to curry favor. But in the embarrassed "Oh, stop, you flatter me" of your example (which I'm also familiar with), the person being "flattered" is presumably perceiving (or at least, professing to perceive 😏) the praise in question is giving an unrealistically favorable impression of themselves. The difference is, perhaps, whether said "unrealistic" favorability comes from the intent of the flatterer, or the perception of the flateree (or both).

 

So, yes, in sum, could definitely be either. ☺️

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I guess in the context I hear it in mostly would be sarcastic/negatively

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@firewallflower @iff Thanks, for your thoughts!

 

1 hour ago, firewallflower said:

...The difference is, perhaps, whether said "unrealistic" favorability comes from the intent of the flatterer, or the perception of the flateree (or both)...

Ah, and then, there's the problem of how others reading the conversation interpret the meaning, themselves.

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firewallflower
Just now, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

@firewallflower @iff Thanks, for your thoughts!

 

Ah, and then, there's the problem of how others reading the conversation interpret the meaning, themselves.

Indeed.

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:rolleyes: So much confusion between both people in the conversation who were just trying to pay each other a compliment, ruined by reading the online dictionary's negative connotation of the words "flatter"/"flattery."

 

It seems kind of problematic that the online definition seems to highlight and focus more on the negative connotation than the positive one, even though both contexts are used; that's what caused the confusion, in the first place.

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14 minutes ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

:rolleyes: So much confusion between both people in the conversation who were just trying to pay each other a compliment, ruined by reading the online dictionary's negative connotation of the words "flatter"/"flattery."

 

 

You can lay some of the confusion at the feet of Willy Shakespeare:

 

Nay, do not think I flatter. For what advancement may I hope from thee, That no revenue hast but thy good spirits To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flattered?  (from Hamlet)

 

He does me double wrong  That wounds me with the flatteries of his tongue.  (from Richard II)

 

No visor does become black villainy so well as soft and tender flattery.  (from Romeo and Juliet)

 

What drink'st thou oft, instead of homage sweet, But poisoned flattery?   (from Henry V)

 

There are bunches more.  Apparently, flattery was a favorite word of The Bard, and he rarely used it in a good light.  :unsure:

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@Rockblossom I think I remember historians saying that because Shakespeare wrote plays like A Comedy of Errors and A Midsummer Night's Dream had puns, wordplay, and stories about confusion between characters, that he obviously enjoyed things/scenarios like that.

 

So, I guess he'd probably be amused by this.

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The only time I’d use it is “I’m flattered,” meaning I appreciate something said or done that was complimentary to me somehow. I do know the phrase “flattery will get you nowhere” but I’ve only actually heard it used as a joke and not really negative. If anything, the phrase tends to be used by people who are trying to brush off a compliment in my experience.

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@Graceful Thanks, for your comment! It's good to know that the word(s) aren't always used in a negative context for everyone; I almost was thinking that perhaps I wouldn't ever be able to use those words in a positive/joking context, in case others thought I meant it in a negative way.

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Not words I use, or have people use in my direction. 

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3 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

Not words I use, or have people use in my direction. 

:) Right; me neither. I think I've only heard it used in movies and read it in books. So, that's partly why I was a little confused when someone had used it in conversation with me for the first time!

 

Thanks, for your thoughts; it's useful and interesting to hear a wide variety of perspectives from others from around the world.

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  • 1 year later...

@LeChat

 

This poll is being locked and moved to the read only Census archive for it's respective year. As part of ongoing Census organisation, and in an attempt to keep the demographics of the polls current with the active user base at the time, the polls will last for one year from now on. However, members are allowed and even encouraged to restart new polls similar to the archived ones if they like them.

  

iff, Census Forum Moderator

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