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Can anyone relate to this (Ace or Gray-A)?


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I have a few ideas. I think it would make most sense, to me, at least, to consider (intentional) arousal the thing that separates sexual activity from any other partnered activity.

I’m not sure about this, but I suppose what mostly makes it exciting and therefore desirable for a sexual is that for them, the presence and participation of an attractive person enhances arousal. From what I heard, for asexuals having another person involved either doesn’t make a difference or is a turn-off. I’m not talking about automatic physiological response to stimulation, but another, let’s call it subjective arousal, that some aces do feel when they imagine, watch or read about other people doing stuff, just not with them. From my experience, stimulation without arousal is pretty dull, so if I’m right, it wouldn’t be surprising that they find it boring. Well, that’s my theory so far.

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Granite4Breakfast
4 hours ago, ModestFox said:

I have a few ideas. I think it would make most sense, to me, at least, to consider (intentional) arousal the thing that separates sexual activity from any other partnered activity.

I’m not sure about this, but I suppose what mostly makes it exciting and therefore desirable for a sexual is that for them, the presence and participation of an attractive person enhances arousal. From what I heard, for asexuals having another person involved either doesn’t make a difference or is a turn-off. I’m not talking about automatic physiological response to stimulation, but another, let’s call it subjective arousal, that some aces do feel when they imagine, watch or read about other people doing stuff, just not with them. From my experience, stimulation without arousal is pretty dull, so if I’m right, it wouldn’t be surprising that they find it boring. Well, that’s my theory so far.

I think you may be on to something. And it is definitely a whole step beyond just physical arousal. I think it relates to the 'trance like state' allos often talk about being in when engaged in sexual activity. There is some strong mental component to this arousal. And unlike physiological arousal which can be triggered by physical stimulus, this arousal requires that conscious something, perhaps even relating to sexual attraction and or desire. I can agree with that too, it is just boring. Not too sure again where the line is because there were times I was physically aroused, but mentally I was not, and therefore it was boring. And yet, not to get TMI, masturbation isn't boring, and I can't see how that would involve the aforementioned other type of arousal. Unless it does and as you said the presence of another person is a turn-off in that regard.

 

I think what has been confusing for me is that I can imagine having the so called 'subjective arousal', and I initially think/feel that having an attractive person present and participating will enhance arousal, but so far from my experience it hasn't, and I have never actually experienced this mental arousal with someone else. I know that's kind of off topic now but that's just my two cents as to mainly why I am confused in that regard.

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✨jupiter✨

Very similar with me. I am aesthetic-attracted to all genders, romantically hetero (I think? I've been thinking about aro) asexual. In my fantasies, sensual cuddling and kissing is very sweet, but sex? Nope

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Well I’m so glad to come on here again and see that there are many more people just as confused as me.  

 

I sometimes also feel like my sexuality has a mind if it’s own. Like this one time I was kissing someone & enjoying it for the sensual aspect ( I really love kissing) and then parted ways with my friend and just as soon as we parted I had very strong sexual feelings, more than feeling just aroused. Like I wanted to have sex with her but I did not have those feelings I was with her. So strange...! 
It’s like my sexuality never seems to know which direction to put itself in. 

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On 2/3/2019 at 11:00 AM, TrippleL said:

I don’t mean this in an offensive way to anyone that enjoys partnered sex, but to me the physical act of partnered genital stimulation of any kind feels like I’m using the person as a sex toy.

 

I find myself relating to this, quite strongly, and I identify myself as asexual.

 

I have tried partnered sex with two different people, but never with anyone I feel romantically attracted to. The latter, combined with the believe of true closeness a romantic partner often feels makes me feel that I would be dishonest if I have sex with them.

 

I know my reaction to sex is the stereotypical asexual one: I wasn't impressed by it, although one person I had sex with was really good at it. My body enjoyed it the same way it enjoys any good sex toy. With the other person who's less good at sex, I just found it outright boring. I was pretty impatient in the middle.

 

 

 

 

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QuasiSquirrel

So after about a year of questioning I finally came to the conclusion that my kill switch is caused by gender dysphoria, or bottom dysphoria specifically in this case. I have no issue imagining having all kinds of sex with female parts, but with my own parts I always had difficulty with putting myself in my own fantasies.

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On 2/2/2021 at 9:59 AM, QuasiSquirrel said:

So after about a year of questioning I finally came to the conclusion that my kill switch is caused by gender dysphoria, or bottom dysphoria specifically in this case. I have no issue imagining having all kinds of sex with female parts, but with my own parts I always had difficulty with putting myself in my own fantasies.

Thanks for sharing 😊

 

That makes sense. Does anyone else who experiences the kill switch we’ve been discussing relate to this?

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Just wanted to pop on and say I relate so much to all this! I just recently discovered I was asexual, but I couldn't find anyone that kinda had the same feelings EVEN THOUGH I met the "definition" and the FAQ and stuffs. So I'm super happy that someone else feels the same! 😁❤️

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2 minutes ago, LittlestAce said:

I couldn't find anyone that kinda had the same feelings EVEN THOUGH I met the "definition" and the FAQ

Same here 😊

 

Welcome! 🍰

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@LittlestAce, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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grey_a_enby
On 2/25/2021 at 4:36 PM, Iam9man said:

Thanks for sharing 😊

 

That makes sense. Does anyone else who experiences the kill switch we’ve been discussing relate to this?

I think I might, but I'm not so sure,

 

I have related to A LOT of what's been said on this thread. It made me realise that I used to love the "foreplay" (without touching genitals) that is usually perceived as intention to have sex for allos and that now it gives me anxiety because I fear they'll want to go further. 

 

Then there is this part where I've been questionning my gender identity recently, for now what suits me best is somewhere under the non-binary umbrella, genderfluid maybe. Anyway I was assigned female at birth and I haven't really felt body dysphoria before but this got me thinking because in my fantisies I feel like I could enjoy having sex with a woman (I'm bi sensual, romantic and aesthetic) if I had other genitalia, but I'm really not sure because sometimes I can have fantasies including sex but I basically never want them to happen in real life, like it seems nice in my head but then when I get with someone (even if it's the person I was thinking about) I just don't want it anymore so, I guess the same could happen with this situation.

 

Also I hate giving oral sex because it grosses me out, and I don't really enjoy receiving it either but somehow, when I think about it, it seems like, it could be nice if I had male parts, but then again might just be because some things seems nice in my mind but not irl.

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This thread is so relatable,  thank you to everyone who has shared! I only recently found the term asexual and I identified with so many things in the definition. This thread has helped with so many things that made it so I 'didn't fit'. 

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TheConfusedSeagull

Hello! Thanks for creating the space to talk about this. I have always thought, really just assumed that I was a straight female. But I have been relating to asexuality for a while now, but I am confused if I am a demisexual (I have never had a strong relationship, actually I have had none) or gray-sexual or just ace? I also don't really know which I relate to and what really is the difference between identifying as someone from the asexual umbrella or just a straight person who dislikes sex? This is so confusing... I have not felt sexual attraction to anyone recently but I just can't be sure if my feelings in the past, but I think I was just wanting to be a friend of that person, but I can also acknowledge someone who looks good and also am open to a romantic relationship or even a sensual one? I just need some help to narrow down and come to something I can identify with, but I have never known how to start a conversation about this with my friends. Hope someone can help me!

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On 4/8/2021 at 4:40 PM, TheConfusedSeagull said:

This is so confusing... I have not felt sexual attraction to anyone recently but I just can't be sure if my feelings in the past, but I think I was just wanting to be a friend of that person, but I can also acknowledge someone who looks good and also am open to a romantic relationship or even a sensual one?

This sums up my experiences perfectly!

 

I’m definitely interested in a romantic relationship, generally experience (relatively intense) sensual attraction towards someone I feel romantic attraction to and am kinda OK to have sex occasionally and enjoy it if experiencing the above other forms of attraction.

 

I happen to have settled on asexual as my orientation, but I guess I’m fairly close to grey.

 

The best advice I can give is carry on researching and asking questions (of yourself and here if you wish) 😊

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TheConfusedSeagull
14 hours ago, Iam9man said:

The best advice I can give is carry on researching and asking questions (of yourself and here if you wish) 

Thank you! I guess this is a very patient topic! It helps to know other people's experiences aswell rather than just relating with the 'definition'. I think after thinking it over I think I would relate more to asexuality! Thanks for the help.

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A for Anonymous

I feel so called out by this thread! I love having foreplay and could simply do it and then call it a day. I'm not sex repulsed, but while I can like penetrative sex (the other forms not so much - mutual masturbation bores and tires me, receiving oral is okay but giving it is gross, anal is a huge no no), what I enjoy the most is bringing pleasure and having an emotional connection with my partner... which is something I can do with foreplay and enjoy so much more.

 

Also resonate with the feeling that while you can derive physical pleasure from sex, the mental pleasure is limited and those two aren't linked with each other. My only mental pleasure (as mentioned above) is seeing my partner feel pleasure and establishing that emotional connection, but if the sexual activity goes on for too long I find myself bored despite my body feeling pleasured.

 

I identify so much with the feeling that the definition of asexuality fits you but you're still not sure whether you are because people's experiences are so different. Usually, the ace people you see most prominently in and out of AVEN tend to be touch averse and like kissing and cuddling at most. And because sex and sensuality are so tied together in the collective imagination, sometimes you don't know if you're really part of the community even if the definition fits. I have actually done the whole checking the definition over and over to make sure I didn't miss anything lol.

 

I don't really relate to all of the things mentioned here - I don't feel sexual attraction or like I want to have sex and then get turned off. I normally never want sex and my partner has to get me in the mood for me to have it, but once I do, I can enjoy it (kind of the opposite, heh). Although now that I have learned about sensual vs. sexual desire/pleasure, I'm not sure if my partner managed to turn me on via foreplay or if I enjoyed the foreplay itself and then felt it had to lead into sex because that's what we've been taught is the norm. I lean towards the second option, but since I'm single atm I can't put my theory to the test 😬

 

Still, it's great to see so many ace people who identify with "hypersensuality" (love that term) and know that a part of the community feels the need to do sensual things without having sex as a consequence. I've spent the last month being confused about my sexuality, wondering if maybe I was an allosexual with low libido or a graysexual, despite fitting the "doesn't experience sexual attraction" definition 100%. But seeing that it's not only me who loves a good make out session without wanting to have sex as a result gives me the confidence to say that I am in the ace spectrum! Thank you so much to OP and to everyone who commented in this thread for giving me clarity.

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Mr. Cellophane

I definitely relate to this thread. It's the reason why I've been questioning whether I'm gray-asexual or just sex-averse with a low libido. Like the original poster, I can look at a pretty woman or at the female form and get aroused. I enjoy kissing and cuddling and foreplay. But when it comes to actual sex, I definitely seem to have a killswitch. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction because I seem to experience the former but not always the latter.

 

When I was in a relationship, I enjoyed everything up to the point when we got to the bedroom. Then for some reason, I'd often lose my erection or have difficulty reaching orgasm. I didn't actually enjoy the sex part. I came up with so many possible excuses -- shyness, anxiety, lack of experience. I even blamed the meds I was on at the time. And all of that may have been a factor. But over time, I've been realizing that maybe I just don't like sex.

 

In hindsight, I wish I had been more honest with my girlfriend. I kept sleeping with her because I thought it was expected of me or that it was what she wanted. And the result was often the same for me - killswitch, lack of climax, etc. I actually felt relief on nights when she said she wasn't in the mood. I'm still figuring out this side of me but I think I would have been content with a romantic and sensual relationship, rather than a sexual one.

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On 6/29/2021 at 2:33 AM, Mr. Cellophane said:

I would have been content with a romantic and sensual relationship, rather than a sexual one.

Second this 😊👍

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hooraytoddepisode

I've been reading though this thread and it resonates with me so much. For the past few months I've been really confused about my sexuality (well through all my life really).

 

I've always thought that I experience sexual attraction. I've never really liked having sex that much, and haven't done it a bunch. Most of the times when I've had sex has been because it's been such a long time since the last time and I've felt insecure about being abnormal or "not attractive enough" to be desired.

 

I've had looong dry spells at times, and I haven't really been that bothered by them. I've had a lot of anxiety and stress in my dry spells, but thinking back to it I no longer think the issue has been wanting to have sex.  Most of the anxiety in a dry spell comes from pressure that I probably should be having sex as well as comparing myself to my friends or peers that were having a lot of sex. Or feelings of being lonely and needing to connect with others.

 

I've never been in a relationship and I think a lot of the anxiety I've felt about not being sexually active has been about feeling as if I will never be able to find a partner (I'm heteroromantic). Even if I don't like sex I am 100% dependent on physical touch and intimacy with people. When I think about the prospect of having a relationship, or finding a partner, it always starts with sex. It's like it's something I would have to get over with to be able to find someone who wants to stay around longer. And I would have to be good at it. This has caused a loooot of anxiety and worry.

 

I also think that this is what I have confused into thinking I feel sexual attraction. I feel attraction to people, and then I think about sex and even fantasize. I can even fantasize about specific people in my life. I also masturbate regularly and feel pretty shitty if I don't get to masturbate for a while (it's a huge stress reliever for me). But I don't think I would want to have sex with them if they offered. I would maybe want to kiss and cuddle them. I think the main reason I think about sex first is because it is so deeply instilled in my mind that I have to have sex to connect to someone, and that I have to have sex to "catch" a boyfriend or to make someone fall in love with you. Sex is so deeply synonymous with love in our culture which I've always found crazy. Now I'm wondering if it is possible it has affected me in more ways than I thought.

 

I've always rationally separated sex from love, in discussions about this I always take the "sex does not equal love" stance. I've always been positive to open relationships, and have always said if I would be in a relationship I wouldn't mind if they had sex with someone else, it's mostly the lying I would mind in a cheating situation. I wouldn't want to have sex with other people even if my partner does.

 

I've also had spells of questioning my heteroromanticism, as I don't really feel a difference when it comes to sex with men or women. For me it's always been very neutral, and not really relevant. I've also both thought and uttered aloud that I wish you could just build a life with one of you friends, like have kids with your friends etc.

 

It's been suggested to me by a friend that I might be asexual, but at the time I just got offended by the implications and dismissed it immediately. Now I'm thinking he may have been right.

 

I'm very aware that this post is extremely rambly and long. I mainly just wanted to rant. I feel like I would like to identify as asexual, but I feel anxious about meeting the criteria for it and what if I'm just insecure or just don't like having sex? What if I feel like I need sex and have fantasies but when I think about it rationally it feels as if it might be a longing for love and intimacy that's confused into sexual desire? This is all so confusing sometimes!!!

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On 2/2/2019 at 7:30 PM, TrippleL said:

I identify as an asexual, but from many discussions I know my experience is somewhat different to other AVEN people, so I have a question:

 

*TMI warning*

 

I identify as a sex-neutral biromantic biaesthetic bisensual asexual (labels, shmables 🙂) because I neither like nor dislike sexual intercourse, I experience romantic, aesthetic and sensual attraction very intensely and I do not experience sexual attraction (if sexual attraction is defined as attraction leading to the desire to have sexual intercourse of any sort).

 

I spent most of my life believing I was heterosexual as I’m biologically male and I find women and female bodies attractive (I won’t discuss attraction to guys for the sake of this post, but it was there too, in the background).

 

So, I can look at a pretty woman and get aroused. I can look at a woman’s body and get aroused. I can touch a woman’s body and get aroused (that sounds creepy; I mean in a consensual way! 🙂). I therefore love foreplay and I get very aroused during it.

 

When foreplay comes to a close and intercourse is due, there’s like a killswitch; I completely lose interest. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy orgasms, but the intercourse bit is completely “meh, whatever”. To deal with this in a relationship I have to move VERY quickly from foreplay to intercourse, then the physical stimulation keeps things working as they should.

 

I feel the physiological need to ejaculate 1-2 times per week. As long as I’m not “overdue” from a physiological point of view, I’d be quite happy having foreplay then going to sleep and not having sex or ejaculating.

 

Might be relevant: I’m sex-neutral when it comes to PIV; averse when it comes to any form of oral (giving or receiving).

 

So, question: Can anyone relate to this? If you can, do you identify as asexual/gray/other? (No wrong answers here, just curious)

 

On 4/9/2019 at 7:57 PM, Bloc said:

That's so me. However bringing someone to orgasm or being brought to it without touching any genitals is kind of fun. It's kind of weird to say my favorite kind of sex is without any genitals involved but this is still sex for me and I like it. But it is not better than a deep non-sexual cuddling session it is just different. In both cases all people involved are exposing their vulnerabilities and trusting their partners. I believe this is what make creates a deep connection. I never directly touched someones genitals and it is something I fancy, but would do it for a partner.

 

I think this belongs to the grey ace spectrum. When learning about asexuality it resonated with me but at the same time I knew I am not completely asexual and also not allosexual. Somehow I am in so many way "in between" in my sexual and romantic orientation, in my gender. I m not sure if a new label would help me describing my experiences.

Yeah i really do relate to that alot, i have a boyfriend and i love him alot but alot of the time im just not interested in sex, so if he insiuates it sometimes i wont feel like it and sometimes ill be like yeah lets go. I do like start it sometimes but it never really crosses my mind especially during the day. ive been like this for a long time now and ive been tryna find someone a bit like me for ages so ive dove into places like this tryna find a 'label' so i can narrow my searches down. im glad i know someone feels the same way 

 

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GoodHeart770

This all describes me perfectly, though I'm heteromantic as opposed to bi. I'm so thankful to have read about so many sharing this experience. It's nice to know I'm not alone. 

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ace_ventura

Replying to the original post, I see asexuality as a spectrum, and even though I'm kind of new to the community, subject, and all the definitions, I guess I'd say I'm "gray." 👽 I have a hard time getting aroused, unless it involves visuals of women's feet. Specifically toe rings. I don't know why, but that's my "kink." If I ever get into another romantic partnership, she will have to be accepting of that, otherwise, I don't see it going far.

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OutdoorsAce
On 2/2/2019 at 1:30 PM, TrippleL said:

I spent most of my life believing I was heterosexual as I’m biologically male and I find women and female bodies attractive

I'm the same (biological male) and to further the thread of your post, there is a 'killswitch' for me too when intercourse is due and it's just not there. Sometimes I wish I could and I feel like I would like to finish the deed for the other person's sake and to be "normal" but I can't control my physiology. However, I do enjoy going down on females and sometimes can be in the mood for that because I care about people at an oddly deep level. So if I'm intimate with a woman and she wants that, I'd be open to it because 

 

I enjoy emotional and intellectual connections more than anything which may put me more on the spectrum of being demi and sapio but I identify as Ace even so.

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grey_dolphin
2 hours ago, OutdoorsAce said:

I'm the same (biological male) and to further the thread of your post, there is a 'killswitch' for me too when intercourse is due and it's just not there. Sometimes I wish I could and I feel like I would like to finish the deed for the other person's sake and to be "normal" but I can't control my physiology. However, I do enjoy going down on females and sometimes can be in the mood for that because I care about people at an oddly deep level. So if I'm intimate with a woman and she wants that, I'd be open to it because 

 

I enjoy emotional and intellectual connections more than anything which may put me more on the spectrum of being demi and sapio but I identify as Ace even so.

This generally resonates with me - though I think performing any sexual act has felt more like a chore than something done for enjoyment. Has anyone else really felt the need to just go through the motions to try and fulfill a partners desire?

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34 minutes ago, grey_dolphin said:

This generally resonates with me - though I think performing any sexual act has felt more like a chore than something done for enjoyment. Has anyone else really felt the need to just go through the motions to try and fulfill a partners desire?

Hi! And welcome!

 

To answer your question, I think you'd find  the majority of folks around AVEN who have participated in sexual activity have done so largely to try to fulfill a partner's desire -- as you say, more of a chore, than any enjoyment of their own. This is speaking of asexual folk of course, which is the majority around these parts.

 

The folks in this thread, who really enjoy physical stuff with a partner, just not specifically crazy about "sex" -- that's a pretty small percentage of the posters here, I think.

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Delphic Oracle
On 2/2/2019 at 1:30 PM, TrippleL said:

...snip...

 

So, question: Can anyone relate to this? If you can, do you identify as asexual/gray/other? (No wrong answers here, just curious)

Demi/Cis-het male

Having read the first page thus far, I relate very much to how you've described your perspective and experiences.  Perhaps the only difference noted thus far is that I do quite enjoy "giving."  A lot.  I suspect it is partly a "making up for" impulse for the other aspects described.  Sort of an "I don't want to disappoint you", "please don't be mad/sad", "I know its cliche', but it really truly isn't you" and of course "please don't leave!"

It is one of many things I have to discuss with a potential partner because positive bodily responsiveness (arching, writhing, twisting, gasping) while giving can get me "over the hurdle" so to speak, yet for myself a certain amount of receiving direct genital stimulation (lengthy hand/blowjobs) leads to waning eroticism for me.  Conversely, lack of responsiveness leads me to wondering if my partner has some manner of (gray) asexual qualities or in any case some different approach is needed and they are "getting through it" for fear of speaking up.  This then feeds right into being a demisexual and worries that there's a trust/emotional intimacy barrier forming.  Regardless of underlying reason, with the PiV component being of limited appeal (and with the understanding neither partner is doing anything wrong) if this goes unresolved, it does tend to be a strong indication of non-compatible sexual behaviors.

Edited by Delphic Oracle
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confused.girlfriend
On 9/11/2020 at 8:38 AM, Squirrel623 said:

Hey, this seems like a thread I can relate to - I'm really vibing with the whole "in-between identity" sort of thing. I'm somewhere on the aromantic/asexual spectrum but I have no idea how to label myself so I figured I'd dump everything I have here in case anyone else can relate to my sort of specialness. I don't really have a point to any of this except to help me organize my thoughts, so sorry for any rambling haha.

 

I would define my soul mate as someone who I consider very physically/aesthetically attractive, and someone who I share a lot in common with (basically another version of myself) - but a key difference is that I would not be expected to perform physical romantic/sexual acts resulting from organic feelings or desire. I would consider a "physical romantic/sexual act" as some overwhelming urge or desire to kiss someone, "lust" after their body, or "do" anything in particular to them without having to really think about it.

In past relationships this has caused problems because this to manifests as:

 

 

When I have had sex before I have definitely enjoyed the experience because it:

  • Physically felt good
  • Provided sexual release from being aroused
  • I enjoy being able to pleasure my partner, and I enjoyed the result of performing the sexual acts due to what it does for my partner
  • It seemed to be a way my partner was bonding with me and having fun

 

But - I always felt weird because I didn't have any particular reasons to be having sex besides those reasons and just feeling like "it's what people do". It almost feels like if I wasn't concerned with my partner's experience I would just be "using" the body somehow. And when I'm participating in sex I have to think about every single (sexual/romantic) action because I'm not acting on any urges or lust. I always have to think to myself "what should I do in this situation to help my partner?" - I have never been subconsciously compelled to do anything.

 

Which might be fine and dandy, but can get so confused because I can feel such intense feelings from looking at a woman's body that I would personally consider "perfect". I can't figure out how to categorize my feelings - are they sexual? aesthetic? something else? It is possible for myself to think "My GOD is she just so NICE." about a female figure and have it not be sexual? This is usually in response to certain body parts that could be considered sexual (butt/breasts) but it is also be in response to some non-sexual things like her face or just body shape in general. I don't have any thoughts like "I'd like to rip her clothes off" or "I wish we could have sex right now" so I don't think these feelings are sexual? But they still seem like they could be sexual (especially considering the fact that I can become sexually aroused by the body?).

 

(BTW I can feel a less intense version of this by looking at a guy's body, but at least for me this one is easy to know that it isn't sexual because I don't feel any sort of arousal).

 

And then I try to assess all of these feelings/attractions/desires I seem to have or not have, but I don't know if the indifferent attitude I have towards relationships is a Normal(TM) thing for someone to be feeling or if I have some form of depression or mental health issue causing it? This is where I feel the most inner turmoil - I don't know if my feelings are a valid thing that I shouldn't feel ashamed of or if my lack of urges/desire and my inability to find any reason to care about dating is caused by some mental heath issue? I don't think I was depressed when I was dating before which is a reassuring thought, but the thought that my issues are caused by something I can fix is always there. And then I just don't even want to think about the possibility that I just really just don't have any desire to maintain relationships of any kind, and that I really would be "using" someone if I attempt another romantic/sexual relationship.

 

All I can really do right now is compare my memories of my past relationships and remembered feelings with how I can imagine myself acting and feeling in those situations. It has been over six years since I have had a romantic relationship so it is honestly possible I could have forgotten what actually occurred and how I felt at the time. Who knows.

I am so confused by everything so the only thing I can honestly say is that I am not "normal" compared to other people when it comes to my romantic and sexual orientation. And for me this is best described as gray-romantic and gray-sexual because I honestly can't expend any more brain cycles running myself in circles second guessing every label I try.

 

Now that I have finally had my "question everything" moment I think it will help me immensely to admit that I can't put a pin in exactly what's going on with myself by sitting here because I will think myself in circles. If I have the desire to pursue anything going forward I think it will be with a person that understands my situation beforehand and we have a mutual understanding:

 

So yeah, that's where I'm at.

 

On 9/19/2020 at 10:54 PM, Hypnotic said:

I completely relate to feeling confused all of the time, this is pretty much me.  I hope one day I will finally figure myself out!  

 

I also sometimes think/worry that my feelings are confused with some kind of mental health issue.  Especially with being gay, I wondered for a while if some of it has to do with shame... but after finding this thread I realise that maybe this isn't the case and it is just who I am.  

you both may want to google "quoisexual". i think you would find a lot of yourselves there. it's probably not spoken about enough, but it's a wider explaination of how the confusion works (i've been identifying as quoisexual lately because i've been confused for years now and at this point i've sort of given up). sorry if that's not quite the spirit but this is my first post here. haha. fighting against my introversion and awkwardness... 

 

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ExhaustedPige0n
On 12/8/2020 at 10:41 AM, ModestFox said:

I feel like I need an even clearer understanding of what sex is and where it starts and ends. Because for some people just kissing can be sexual while it has nothing to do with genitals, and there are other examples... Although I guess it might be one of those definitions that can never be precise enough.

ModestFox, I feel like we share a brain because your more recent posts (and this entire thread) has helped me understand myself more and more. Personally, I too am having a hard time defining what "sex" means to me, but it's a work in progress. I'm fairly new to AVEN and still treading the surface. My boyfriend is the one who pointed out I may be asexual and he's the most supportive/patient person I have ever met as I try to figure out who I am. We got together young (18/19 years old) and we're nearing thirty so I never really explored my sexuality before so here I am.

 

This thread is the closest I've gotten to understanding how I feel and you, ModestFox, are parroting my thoughts and feelings nearly word for word. So thank you for keeping up with this thread. And thank you @Hypnotic, @Iam9man, and @TrippleL as well for starting and continuing this thread for others to see. It's really helpful to newbies like me.

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On 9/7/2021 at 5:02 AM, ExhaustedPige0n said:

ModestFox, I feel like we share a brain because your more recent posts (and this entire thread) has helped me understand myself more and more. Personally, I too am having a hard time defining what "sex" means to me, but it's a work in progress. I'm fairly new to AVEN and still treading the surface. My boyfriend is the one who pointed out I may be asexual and he's the most supportive/patient person I have ever met as I try to figure out who I am. We got together young (18/19 years old) and we're nearing thirty so I never really explored my sexuality before so here I am.

 

This thread is the closest I've gotten to understanding how I feel and you, ModestFox, are parroting my thoughts and feelings nearly word for word. So thank you for keeping up with this thread. And thank you @Hypnotic, @Iam9man, and @TrippleL as well for starting and continuing this thread for others to see. It's really helpful to newbies like me.

I'm so glad this thread has helped you, as well as everyone else who has come here, as it has me too.  

 

I haven't actually been here for a while but reading over it now I realise how helpful it has been for me to break everything down and analyse everything with the help of @Iam9man & @Granite4Breakfast & thanks so much to @ModestFox for starting the thread as well.  

 

I still have been back and forth in accepting myself but more recently (basically in the last week or so things could change again lol :) ) I have started to really accept myself more as being on the asexual spectrum.  I think with the pressures in our society and the constant focus on sex this permeated my beliefs and understanding of myself and actually when I set that aside I realise that, the reality is, if I never had sex again I would really not be bothered and I very occasionally want to have partnered sex but it is really quite rare so I should probably just focus on the fact that generally I really would not be bothered to ever have sex again and even though I still really like sensual activity I'm on the ace spectrum because of the lack of desire for partnered sex. 

 

I've started dating again and have also put my asexual identity on my dating profile and recently started chatting to someone who is asexual as well.  Even though I'm not really sure if there is a romantic attraction yet because I haven't actually met them yet, I just feel so validated in speaking to someone with similar experiences.  I'm feeling very excited and also optimistic about the fact that I am a valid individual, my feelings are valid like all of yours are too.  

 

Also pardon the pun, but how ACE are we aces to be spending so much time figuring out and pulling apart our identities, with so little examples in media/society that represent us.   I think it really makes us all quite special.  I also am starting to realise that the work we are all doing in trying to pull things apart in relationships can also really help allosexuals as well as I don't think they really do this enough and they also get confused about their feelings which can have negative consequences too.  

 

Sending big virtual hugs to everyone on this thread!

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8 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I've started dating again and have also put my asexual identity on my dating profile and recently started chatting to someone who is asexual as well.  Even though I'm not really sure if there is a romantic attraction yet because I haven't actually met them yet, I just feel so validated in speaking to someone with similar experiences.  I'm feeling very excited and also optimistic about the fact that I am a valid individual, my feelings are valid like all of yours are too.  

🥰🥰🥰

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