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Can anyone relate to this (Ace or Gray-A)?


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2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I definitely identify with what you say with there being a mismatch between physical & mental arousal and an actual desire to engage with something sexual. 

A few people I’ve chatted to on AVEN (mostly met through this thread) report experiencing exactly the same thing.

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

never really wanted sex and always felt disappointed when we did have sex

Completely relate to this (as much as I can enjoy aspects of it).

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I never felt aroused by men, I didn't really know what that was.

A few of my female friends who have since worked out they’re gay have shared the same.

 

Conversely, I do get aroused by women, so I just assumed I was heterosexual... but something didn’t feel quite right.

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

Then I started to have feelings for women and experienced sexual attraction for the first time but is not very frequent. I definitely think a lot about women's parts... bums, genitals etc you get the picture (!)

There’s been some interesting discussions on this on AVEN; like where to draw the line between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction. I’ve been reading posts on AVEN for a couple of years and there occasionally seems to be broad consensus... but this consensus has definitely changed over the past two years!

 

For context, I enjoy the female form but have no interest in genitalia and no desire to have sex. So I ascribe my interest in the female form, which can definitely be of a sexual nature, to experiencing very intense aesthetic attraction.

 

The consensus seemed to be “if it doesn’t lead to a desire to have sex it’s not sexual attraction” a couple of years ago. Now it seems to be more “if your attraction is at all of a sexual nature it’s sexual attraction”. I tend to disagree with the latter, or more specifically where the line is drawn (e.g. “like boobs? Not asexual!”), but that is my personal opinion.

 

Also for context, where I was confused for years was that I seem to experience all other forms of attraction very intensely, so added together strong aesthetic, sensual and even romantic attraction can mimic sexual attraction (but then ultimately the result is the same; sex can be sensually (and, arguably, aesthetically) enjoyable, but just not something I feel drawn towards).

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

Do you find that you also are not attracted to very many people? By this I mean that there are not many people that you would want to be sensual with?

I find I experience aesthetic attraction very frequently, romantic attraction often and sensual attraction rarely (probably because sensual attraction leads from one of the other two, in certain instances).

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I can't figure out if I haven't met the right person or if I am actually asexual.  

Nothing wrong with having a “working theory” 😊

 

I wouldn’t recommend to anyone they come out to everyone they know immediately, as labels can change as you get to know yourself better. But once you’ve adopted one for a few months and it feels the most accurate you have for the time being I personally see no issue with coming out, even if it might change.

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

Also I don't know if I could even have a relationship with someone who was asexual because I really enjoy being sensual too and I would find it difficult if I couldn't touch/kiss/be naked with someone.... 

I know what you mean! Like do I want to compromise on sensuality or on sex? 🤔

 

Either way, if I felt strongly for them I would try to make it work, but to date I have always compromised on the latter.

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

Yes it is all VERY CONFUSING.... maybe one day I will figure it all out who knows?!?!

Yep, this! 😎

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I think hypersensual gay-grey-a fits quite well though for now, thanks!!

👍

 

2 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

And yes ALCOHOL, for some reason it makes me  experience sexual attraction a lot more, even after just one drink, so strange!! 

Haha, yes this too! Sounds like my 20s in a sentence (except personally still not convinced it was anything except other attractions at the same time!) 🥳🤣

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Im so glad i found this thread. You've helped me a lot. Although its kinda sad how hard it is to find this, i guess we really are a very small minority. Anyway, thank you so much, truly 

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On 7/4/2020 at 7:15 PM, Iam9man said:

A few people I’ve chatted to on AVEN (mostly met through this thread) report experiencing exactly the same thing.

 

Completely relate to this (as much as I can enjoy aspects of it).

 

A few of my female friends who have since worked out they’re gay have shared the same.

 

Conversely, I do get aroused by women, so I just assumed I was heterosexual... but something didn’t feel quite right.

 

There’s been some interesting discussions on this on AVEN; like where to draw the line between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction. I’ve been reading posts on AVEN for a couple of years and there occasionally seems to be broad consensus... but this consensus has definitely changed over the past two years!

 

For context, I enjoy the female form but have no interest in genitalia and no desire to have sex. So I ascribe my interest in the female form, which can definitely be of a sexual nature, to experiencing very intense aesthetic attraction.

 

The consensus seemed to be “if it doesn’t lead to a desire to have sex it’s not sexual attraction” a couple of years ago. Now it seems to be more “if your attraction is at all of a sexual nature it’s sexual attraction”. I tend to disagree with the latter, or more specifically where the line is drawn (e.g. “like boobs? Not asexual!”), but that is my personal opinion.

 

Also for context, where I was confused for years was that I seem to experience all other forms of attraction very intensely, so added together strong aesthetic, sensual and even romantic attraction can mimic sexual attraction (but then ultimately the result is the same; sex can be sensually (and, arguably, aesthetically) enjoyable, but just not something I feel drawn towards).

 

I find I experience aesthetic attraction very frequently, romantic attraction often and sensual attraction rarely (probably because sensual attraction leads from one of the other two, in certain instances).

 

Nothing wrong with having a “working theory” 😊

 

I wouldn’t recommend to anyone they come out to everyone they know immediately, as labels can change as you get to know yourself better. But once you’ve adopted one for a few months and it feels the most accurate you have for the time being I personally see no issue with coming out, even if it might change.

 

I know what you mean! Like do I want to compromise on sensuality or on sex? 🤔

 

Either way, if I felt strongly for them I would try to make it work, but to date I have always compromised on the latter.

 

Yep, this! 😎

 

👍

 

Haha, yes this too! Sounds like my 20s in a sentence (except personally still not convinced it was anything except other attractions at the same time!) 🥳🤣

Thanks you've been really helpful.  From what you describe I think we may be very similar in our feelings around sex and sensuality but I'm not completely sure.  The thing is that for that last few years I've been having a very difficult time with a lot of really shit things happening in my life and I haven't actually been in place where I was able to consider intimacy in a very long time.  I am basing a lot of what i write here on past experiences with men and who I did previously enjoy being sensual with but not that frequently and but never ever felt arousal or sexual attraction around them ever and now I really have no wish at all to be sensual with men.   I feel I haven't really had the chance yet to fully explore my feelings for women. I have only been intimate with only one woman who I wasn't really all that attracted to.  I don't experience romantic attraction very often unfortunately, but I do experience aestetic attraction frequently.  If I have one drop of alcohol I experience sensual attraction immediately but apart from that it is usually only linked with romantic attraction.   

The thing I realised recently though is that I hardly ever think about having sex.  When I am dating someone I think more about the romantic/sensual aspects like kissing, holding hands etc, I hardly ever think about or look forward to actually having sex so maybe that is a sign that I am on the a spectrum.... I'll definitely be back in this thread again no doubt trying to work things out....  I have a potential date lined up soon so maybe I will have more experience to report on... I did meet one person recently, quite out of the blue and I felt immediately attracted and also really thought, 'all I want to do is have sex with you right now".  I had had maybe just one pint so I can't tell if it was alcohol induced but I haven't felt like that about anyone else since whilst drinking alcohol.  Unfortunately for me, she was with her girlfriend so nothing happened but I was so surprised and happy about it that I went straight home and wrote it down in a diary just so that I didn't think I had just made it up in my head.  So this makes me think maybe if I just immediately click with someone romantically that I will want to have sex with them.  It is so rare though so it's hard to really believe it.

 

I am the same too, if I really liked someone I would try very hard to please them with sex even if I didn't want it.  

 

Have you had many relationships?  Do you ever worry about never meeting anyone?  I probably sound like an asshole saying this but I am generally quite an attractive person, physically and also my personality and a lot of people seem to find me very attractive but it is so frustrating that I do not have the same feelings back.  I worry a lot that I will be alone forever.  

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On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

Thanks you've been really helpful.  From what you describe I think we may be very similar in our feelings around sex and sensuality but I'm not completely sure.

😊👍

 

On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

I have only been intimate with only one woman who I wasn't really all that attracted to.

I’ve been intimate with a few women I wasn’t that attracted to. Each time involved alcohol and were decidedly neutral situations.

 

On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

If I have one drop of alcohol I experience sensual attraction immediately but apart from that it is usually only linked with romantic attraction.   

It might take me two drops, but yeah, same! Alcohol seems to increase my (already quite strong) aesthetic attraction first, then sensual.

 

On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

The thing I realised recently though is that I hardly ever think about having sex.  When I am dating someone I think more about the romantic/sensual aspects like kissing, holding hands etc, I hardly ever think about or look forward to actually having sex so maybe that is a sign that I am on the a spectrum

Same here too 😊

 

On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

I have a potential date lined up soon so maybe I will have more experience to report on

👍

 

On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

I did meet one person recently, quite out of the blue and I felt immediately attracted and also really thought, 'all I want to do is have sex with you right now".  I had had maybe just one pint so I can't tell if it was alcohol induced but I haven't felt like that about anyone else since whilst drinking alcohol.  Unfortunately for me, she was with her girlfriend so nothing happened but I was so surprised and happy about it that I went straight home and wrote it down in a diary just so that I didn't think I had just made it up in my head.  So this makes me think maybe if I just immediately click with someone romantically that I will want to have sex with them.  It is so rare though so it's hard to really believe it.

Interesting. I think I’ve also experienced this before, or a version of it. Like a sudden extreme attraction at someone’s aesthetic looks and “energy”. I did end up dating a woman I initially felt like this with. Whilst she was beautiful, all the same thoughts as you mentioned earlier applied in my case; I just wanted a romantic/sensual relationship. The sex, whilst physically enjoyable, in retrospect always felt a bit “empty”.

 

On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

Have you had many relationships?  Do you ever worry about never meeting anyone?

I’ve only had a few, and apart from the one I just mentioned, they have tended to be longer relationships. I’m a firm believer that we attract the right people into our lives at exactly the right times, so I personally do not worry overall (although have had periods when I have... soon followed by meeting someone) 😊

 

On 7/23/2020 at 10:09 PM, Hypnotic said:

probably sound like an asshole saying this but I am generally quite an attractive person, physically and also my personality and a lot of people seem to find me very attractive but it is so frustrating that I do not have the same feelings back.  I worry a lot that I will be alone forever

In my experience a lot of people find attractive people intimidating; they sort of think “she’d never be interested in someone like me”, so don’t have the courage to even try.

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11 hours ago, Iam9man said:

😊👍

 

I’ve been intimate with a few women I wasn’t that attracted to. Each time involved alcohol and were decidedly neutral situations.

 

It might take me two drops, but yeah, same! Alcohol seems to increase my (already quite strong) aesthetic attraction first, then sensual.

 

Same here too 😊

 

👍

 

Interesting. I think I’ve also experienced this before, or a version of it. Like a sudden extreme attraction at someone’s aesthetic looks and “energy”. I did end up dating a woman I initially felt like this with. Whilst she was beautiful, all the same thoughts as you mentioned earlier applied in my case; I just wanted a romantic/sensual relationship. The sex, whilst physically enjoyable, in retrospect always felt a bit “empty”.

 

I’ve only had a few, and apart from the one I just mentioned, they have tended to be longer relationships. I’m a firm believer that we attract the right people into our lives at exactly the right times, so I personally do not worry overall (although have had periods when I have... soon followed by meeting someone) 😊

 

In my experience a lot of people find attractive people intimidating; they sort of think “she’d never be interested in someone like me”, so don’t have the courage to even try.

You sound very much like me, as much as I don't really want to admit it.

 

Do you feel like you would really like to have sex but just haven't found the right person or are you happy in accepting that sex just isn't for you?  I really, really crave the intimacy with another human that sex seems to bring about.  I can't help but feel like I am really missing out by not being able to participate/enjoy it.  It really is my wish that one day I will.

 

Also have you come out to anyone that you are asexual?  Are you open with people about this when you are dating?  And if so, how do they respond?

 

I also don't understand the disconnect that we discussed earlier between our thoughts and the actual activity of having sex.  I don't see what the point is in being like this.  I can't help but feel like I am broken in some way or that there is something wrong with me, do you feel like this? 

 

When you say that you had a sudden extreme attraction at someone's aesthetic looks and 'energy' I feel like this is exactly how I felt about that woman I met, however surely this is also what allosexual's experience when they are attracted to someone too?  Surely if you wanted to have sex with her then it was sexual attraction - or was this another example of the disconnect between thoughts and actually desiring sex?

 

That is great that you do not worry about meeting someone.  I constantly worry that I will never meet someone who will be able to accept my needs but maybe people can be more accepting than I think.  It even stops me from trying to date people as I often think 'what's the point, they will never accept me' and give up before it actually goes anywhere. 

 

I know what you mean about feeling 'empty' after sex.  I always felt like that too.

 

Okay so when I say that I am attractive, I'm not like super aesthetically attractive.  I know what you mean about those people being quite intimidating.  I just have quite a warm personality and am good at putting people at ease and without trying can come across as maybe a little flirty and confident so generally on dates most people, not all, but most do seem to find me attractive. It just makes me realise how different I am from other people because and most people seem to be attracted to a lot of people even on just a surface level, not me... :) 

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MickeyJimmy

I feel I can kind of relate to this, I've never had sex before but I do find that the thought of it scares me a lot and it sounds quite painful as I am female. I also find that I enjoy making out with my boyfriend and doing other foreplay stuff like kissing his neck or him kissing my neck but when it comes to sex I have no interest or desire for it. I don't even see him in his underwear because it makes me uncomfortable and for a very long time he couldn't see me in mine that was a very recent progression in our relationship. I've never orgasmed in my like but I can't imagine it feels bad but I also don't feel the need to have that but maybe that's just because I've never experienced it before I don't know.

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1 minute ago, MickeyJimmy said:

I feel I can kind of relate to this, I've never had sex before but I do find that the thought of it scares me a lot and it sounds quite painful as I am female. I also find that I enjoy making out with my boyfriend and doing other foreplay stuff like kissing his neck or him kissing my neck but when it comes to sex I have no interest or desire for it. I don't even see him in his underwear because it makes me uncomfortable and for a very long time he couldn't see me in mine that was a very recent progression in our relationship. I've never orgasmed in my like but I can't imagine it feels bad but I also don't feel the need to have that but maybe that's just because I've never experienced it before I don't know.

I can tell you that unless you have a medical condition such as vaginismus, you aren't properly aroused, or your partner simply doesn't give a shit about your well-being, it isn't usually painful and certainly isn't supposed to be.

 

Bear in mind that that particular area of the female body is meant to be able to push babies out.  It's tougher than you think it is, so long as it isn't being mistreated or there isn't any anomalous medical condition going on.

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MickeyJimmy
5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I can tell you that unless you have a medical condition such as vaginismus, you aren't properly aroused, or your partner simply doesn't give a shit about your well-being, it isn't usually painful and certainly isn't supposed to be

I haven't actually tried to have sex so it's just a fear that I have but I also do kid of have reason to believe that I might have vaginismus, I've never been able to use a tampon or even get my pinky finger inside even just to try and stretch it out a bit its too painful. I do also just have no interest in sex which doesn't help with my fears and anxieties around it and seeing people naked or being naked in front of others. My partner is sexual and is very understanding of the fact that I am asexual and does what he can to make me feel good within the boundaries I have set. 

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If you haven't ever achieved arousal (which might certainly contribute to one having no interest in having sex) then yeah, any sexual act involving insertion might not be a very pleasant experience.  There's certainly more to sex than just the whole PiV act, though.

 

My spouse also could not handle tampons, but that's really a different sort of beast from more sexual contexts, where arousal is at play and therefore offering some degree of lubrication (although some people may elect to use more than what their body produces)

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On 7/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Hypnotic said:

Do you feel like you would really like to have sex but just haven't found the right person or are you happy in accepting that sex just isn't for you?

I’m in my 30s and have had several sexual partners over the years (most whilst I thought I was heterosexual). I’m not saying it should take time or experience to get there, but in my case I’m happy to accept that whilst sex can be physically enjoyable, it just isn’t something I’m attracted to.

 

On 7/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Hypnotic said:

I really, really crave the intimacy with another human that sex seems to bring about.  I can't help but feel like I am really missing out by not being able to participate/enjoy it.  It really is my wish that one day I will.

I hope you will, if you feel comfortable doing so 😊

 

My “holy grail” is to get that level of connection without sex. I’ve got it a few times,  but it generally leads to sex as my partners have interpreted it as foreplay.

 

On 7/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Hypnotic said:

Also have you come out to anyone that you are asexual?  Are you open with people about this when you are dating?  And if so, how do they respond?

Yes, I am now openly asexual. As I am content to compromise whilst in a relationship I don’t mention it on the first date. The response is generally a raised eyebrow and a level of interest if we already have a connection. In a way it’s a good test if they’re just looking for a quick fling or something serious!

 

On 7/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Hypnotic said:

I also don't understand the disconnect that we discussed earlier between our thoughts and the actual activity of having sex.  I don't see what the point is in being like this.  I can't help but feel like I am broken in some way or that there is something wrong with me, do you feel like this? 

Whilst I thought I was heterosexual? 100%. “Why can’t I enjoy this bit when I enjoyed everything leading up to it?”.

 

Now I’m confident in being asexual, or somewhere on the ace spectrum, I do not feel there is anything wrong with me 😊

 

On 7/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Hypnotic said:

When you say that you had a sudden extreme attraction at someone's aesthetic looks and 'energy' I feel like this is exactly how I felt about that woman I met, however surely this is also what allosexual's experience when they are attracted to someone too?  Surely if you wanted to have sex with her then it was sexual attraction - or was this another example of the disconnect between thoughts and actually desiring sex?

Yes, I agree this is what people of other orientations likely experience. And in an ideal world they would then want to have a lovely evening and end up in bed together and have mind blowing sex.

 

In my case, I would want all of that... except sex. When I found myself in that position I felt broken, as I had the dream experience of meeting someone really attractive, “clicking” and then ending up having sex, but the sex bit felt empty.

 

On 7/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Hypnotic said:

That is great that you do not worry about meeting someone.  I constantly worry that I will never meet someone who will be able to accept my needs but maybe people can be more accepting than I think.  It even stops me from trying to date people as I often think 'what's the point, they will never accept me' and give up before it actually goes anywhere. 

I have found people who are interested in you, for you, have more interest in sticking around. If they walk out the second you explain that you’re not a nympho then perhaps they were looking for something much more shallow.

 

On 7/27/2020 at 7:45 PM, Hypnotic said:

I just have quite a warm personality and am good at putting people at ease and without trying can come across as maybe a little flirty and confident so generally on dates most people, not all, but most do seem to find me attractive.

That sounds the perfect sort of traits for someone who was genuinely interested to stick around after you explain that sex isn’t your number 1 priority 😊

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foxinthesnow
On 4/9/2019 at 2:54 AM, AnnaAce said:

For a long time I’ve struggled with the idea that something is wrong with me. I find guys aesthetically attractive, I feel a certain way about them, I have had sex but I have never really enjoyed it the way i think it is supposed to be enjoyed. I don’t need it nor do I want it. However, I do enjoy hugging, kissing, cuddling. I also enjoy orgasms but really only with myself, and even so not very often. I think for a long time I have mixed up sensual desire with sexual desire. I just want to be close to someone and enjoy touch, smell, etc. but not be bound to have sex. Most of the time when my husband and I have sex I’m just waiting for it to be over.

 

I relate to this thread so much, especially this! I like kissing and feel a strong desire to kiss people when I have a crush (I do identify as very romantic). I've even enjoyed/am interested in kissing people based on aesthetic attraction, even if I don't know them well. It's about the excitement of intimacy with somone and how this feeds into an emotional connection. This has really made me question if I'm asexual. However, this desire just does not extend to genitals getting involved. It's like I have to turn a switch in my brain when touching moves below the waist to get anything out of it. Then I can enjoy sex somewhat in a physical way, but I have to focus on the sensations, and it's not connected to my interest in the person or being with them... it just feels like an unnecessarily elaborate version of what I can do myself. I have never felt a want or need to participate in partnered sex (if we're counting genital involvement as sex) so in the end this really makes me want to call myself ace rather than gray-ace.

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Granite4Breakfast
On 4/11/2020 at 7:49 PM, Hypnotic said:

 I am definitely not repulsed by sex and the idea of never having enjoyable sex with anyone in my life really depresses me but also feels a bit like the holy grail - does anyone else feel like this, like you really want to experience good sex but can never seem to find the right person to do this with ? I think that if I was asexual I just wouldn't want to have sex at all but I do want to have sex but have some difficulty in finding the right person that I am sexually attracted to at the right time.

Yes yes yes this 100%

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Granite4Breakfast
On 6/15/2020 at 1:41 AM, TogetherAgain said:

Oh. My. Gosh. THIS. Thank you so much, both of you, because I just had my lightbulb moment. That trance-like feeling. THAT is the phrase that I needed. Because I HAVE felt that, and I have had sex and enjoyed it, but also it kind of freaks me out and I can't say I've ever had it with someone I would also describe as being "hot."

So maybe we are... Trancesexuals? 🤣 I fully relate to what you said though...

  

On 6/15/2020 at 1:41 AM, TogetherAgain said:

So what I have spent my whole life thinking of as "sexual attraction," which is probably more accurately described as "sensual" or "aesthetic attraction," has never really been a feature of my sexual encounters.

This is me all the way ^ The two have been separate. Always. Maybe it would be different for us if we had a sexual encounter with sensual/aesthetic attraction, but who knows.... Just so glad to see I'm not alone in this.

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On 7/30/2020 at 2:22 PM, foxinthesnow said:

his has really made me question if I'm asexual. However, this desire just does not extend to genitals getting involved. It's like I have to turn a switch in my brain when touching moves below the waist to get anything out of it. Then I can enjoy sex somewhat in a physical way, but I have to focus on the sensations, and it's not connected to my interest in the person or being with them... it just feels like an unnecessarily elaborate version of what I can do myself. I have never felt a want or need to participate in partnered sex (if we're counting genital involvement as sex) so in the end this really makes me want to call myself ace rather than gray-ace

Completely relate to this 👍

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On 9/1/2020 at 12:00 AM, Granite4Breakfast said:

Yes yes yes this 100%

Well there you go, I really thought I was the only one who felt like this!  

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On 9/1/2020 at 8:55 PM, Iam9man said:

Completely relate to this 👍

 

On 7/30/2020 at 2:22 PM, foxinthesnow said:

 

I relate to this thread so much, especially this! I like kissing and feel a strong desire to kiss people when I have a crush (I do identify as very romantic). I've even enjoyed/am interested in kissing people based on aesthetic attraction, even if I don't know them well. It's about the excitement of intimacy with somone and how this feeds into an emotional connection. This has really made me question if I'm asexual. However, this desire just does not extend to genitals getting involved. It's like I have to turn a switch in my brain when touching moves below the waist to get anything out of it. Then I can enjoy sex somewhat in a physical way, but I have to focus on the sensations, and it's not connected to my interest in the person or being with them... it just feels like an unnecessarily elaborate version of what I can do myself. I have never felt a want or need to participate in partnered sex (if we're counting genital involvement as sex) so in the end this really makes me want to call myself ace rather than gray-ace.

 

I relate to most of this except sometimes I do like genitals to be involved but only sometimes, if the emotional connection with the person is strong.  For this reason I think I am more gray-ace than ace but I definitely identify with most of what you are describing. 

 

I'm starting to think about Polyamory as a relationship option for this reason as it seems that it is going to be difficult to find someone to meet the specfic needs I have of mostly only wanting sensual sex and very occasionally having genitals involved... just a thought I've been having lately... maybe a way to have the emotional/romantic/sensual connection that I crave without having to commit to full sex all the time.  

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Granite4Breakfast
14 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

Well there you go, I really thought I was the only one who felt like this!  

I wonder what that makes us then?

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I can definitely relate to being excited by attractive women but not wanting to act on it. I have also felt sensual attraction that borders on sexual, like the desire to touch a girl's boobs or see her naked. I don't consider myself fully asexual for that reason. In the past I've been sexually intimate with one girl and one guy. I have a rule for any type of encounter: anything goes as far as touching is concerned, but absolutely no penetration.

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Granite4Breakfast
On 9/4/2020 at 1:12 PM, Some guy said:

I can definitely relate to being excited by attractive women but not wanting to act on it. I have also felt sensual attraction that borders on sexual, like the desire to touch a girl's boobs or see her naked. I don't consider myself fully asexual for that reason. In the past I've been sexually intimate with one girl and one guy. I have a rule for any type of encounter: anything goes as far as touching is concerned, but absolutely no penetration.

This is so me and is why I've been confused for so long. I think I have had that desire, but as soon as it becomes reality is when I nope outta there

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On 9/4/2020 at 1:20 PM, Granite4Breakfast said:

I wonder what that makes us then?

I really don't know...It feels quite lonely at times!   But sometimes I do want to act on my desires too but not that often.  It's weird, I can't figure myself out at all which is why I think Grey-A suits ??? I think Grey-A is for a lot of people who have feelings that come and go.  I've also realised that I go through periods of not thinking about sex at all and then periods of thinking of sex quite a lot however I think really theres only been a handful of people in real life that I've thought, I really desire to have sex with you... you know?

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17 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I really don't know...It feels quite lonely at times!   But sometimes I do want to act on my desires too but not that often.  It's weird, I can't figure myself out at all which is why I think Grey-A suits ??? I think Grey-A is for a lot of people who have feelings that come and go.  I've also realised that I go through periods of not thinking about sex at all and then periods of thinking of sex quite a lot however I think really theres only been a handful of people in real life that I've thought, I really desire to have sex with you... you know?

I’m also starting to realise that I am also Grey-romantic and it is also the same situation, I really crave a romantic connection but I come across very few people that I have that connection with. The good news is that I have had one long term relationship where I experienced deep romantic attraction for a very long time - over three years. So maybe there is hope that I just need to find the right person and it will fall into place...but could take a long time to find this?!?! 

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20 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I really don't know...It feels quite lonely at times!   But sometimes I do want to act on my desires too but not that often.  It's weird, I can't figure myself out at all which is why I think Grey-A suits ??? I think Grey-A is for a lot of people who have feelings that come and go.  I've also realised that I go through periods of not thinking about sex at all and then periods of thinking of sex quite a lot however I think really theres only been a handful of people in real life that I've thought, I really desire to have sex with you... you know?

Yeah, there probably is no specific term for it, so gre-ace is a good general one. Honestly I guess it doesn't matter, I'm just happy we aren't alone in our experiences. Cause yeah it certainly can feel lonely, I don't fit in with typical asexuality but sure as hell don't fully 'get' allo's either. Yeah that's exactly it though; I sometimes think about sex quite a lot, even with specific people, but rarely have I ever ACTUALLY, in person, felt that desire. It's as if there is two different sexualities existing within me, one in my mind and one in the real world.

 

I'm just heteroromantic so can't fully relate to it, but I fully understand if it behaves like your sexuality. I think thats a good way to put it. We both crave sexual and romantic relationships, but for some reason there's a disconnect when it comes to actually feeling and finding them in reality.

 

I'm sure you will eventually meet the right person. And I'm not just saying that to sound encouraging, I really believe it. Life is complex and so many people come and go, there is a good chance you will meet someone eventually who makes everything click for you. After all, you are grey, not fully ace/aro, so you are capable of it :)

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On 9/7/2020 at 6:35 PM, Granite4Breakfast said:

Yeah, there probably is no specific term for it, so gre-ace is a good general one. Honestly I guess it doesn't matter, I'm just happy we aren't alone in our experiences. Cause yeah it certainly can feel lonely, I don't fit in with typical asexuality but sure as hell don't fully 'get' allo's either. Yeah that's exactly it though; I sometimes think about sex quite a lot, even with specific people, but rarely have I ever ACTUALLY, in person, felt that desire. It's as if there is two different sexualities existing within me, one in my mind and one in the real world.

 

I'm just heteroromantic so can't fully relate to it, but I fully understand if it behaves like your sexuality. I think thats a good way to put it. We both crave sexual and romantic relationships, but for some reason there's a disconnect when it comes to actually feeling and finding them in reality.

 

I'm sure you will eventually meet the right person. And I'm not just saying that to sound encouraging, I really believe it. Life is complex and so many people come and go, there is a good chance you will meet someone eventually who makes everything click for you. After all, you are grey, not fully ace/aro, so you are capable of it :)

Thanks, I do hope so!! 

 

Yes I agree it definitely helps knowing that there are other people out there and that I am not a complete weirdo.  I definitely don't fit with asexuals or allosexual's either.  

Clearly some of us just aren't evolved though for having multiple partners.   Being attracted to many people at once is just completely foreign to me!  

Being single has it's advantages too and I am just not capable of being in a relationship just to avoid loneliness, which I think is also a good thing.  Also i noticed that I because I invest a lot more in friendships, I have many great friends, which I really value.  

 

That is good that you are heteromantic, hopefully that means you will have a slightly easier time finding people you are compatible with! 

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Hey, this seems like a thread I can relate to - I'm really vibing with the whole "in-between identity" sort of thing. I'm somewhere on the aromantic/asexual spectrum but I have no idea how to label myself so I figured I'd dump everything I have here in case anyone else can relate to my sort of specialness. I don't really have a point to any of this except to help me organize my thoughts, so sorry for any rambling haha.

 

I would define my soul mate as someone who I consider very physically/aesthetically attractive, and someone who I share a lot in common with (basically another version of myself) - but a key difference is that I would not be expected to perform physical romantic/sexual acts resulting from organic feelings or desire. I would consider a "physical romantic/sexual act" as some overwhelming urge or desire to kiss someone, "lust" after their body, or "do" anything in particular to them without having to really think about it.

In past relationships this has caused problems because this to manifests as:

 

Quote

OK, we are in very close physical proximity and I am definitely sexually aroused, but I have no idea what to do in this situation. At all. Like I know what I should be doing in this situation according to societies' definition of 'normal', but I have no drive to explore you or kiss you. Like if I had frozen time right now and I could be a weirdo creep that could essentially 'use' my partner's body for sexual release, I would honestly prefer that scenario to masturbation because I am feeling some sort of aesthetic?/sexual? attraction to my partner's body. But - outside of a situation like that I don't have any urge or desire to do anything right now? This is actually very uncomfortable because I feel like a robot and that I'm faking it.

 

When I have had sex before I have definitely enjoyed the experience because it:

  • Physically felt good
  • Provided sexual release from being aroused
  • I enjoy being able to pleasure my partner, and I enjoyed the result of performing the sexual acts due to what it does for my partner
  • It seemed to be a way my partner was bonding with me and having fun

 

But - I always felt weird because I didn't have any particular reasons to be having sex besides those reasons and just feeling like "it's what people do". It almost feels like if I wasn't concerned with my partner's experience I would just be "using" the body somehow. And when I'm participating in sex I have to think about every single (sexual/romantic) action because I'm not acting on any urges or lust. I always have to think to myself "what should I do in this situation to help my partner?" - I have never been subconsciously compelled to do anything.

 

Which might be fine and dandy, but can get so confused because I can feel such intense feelings from looking at a woman's body that I would personally consider "perfect". I can't figure out how to categorize my feelings - are they sexual? aesthetic? something else? It is possible for myself to think "My GOD is she just so NICE." about a female figure and have it not be sexual? This is usually in response to certain body parts that could be considered sexual (butt/breasts) but it is also be in response to some non-sexual things like her face or just body shape in general. I don't have any thoughts like "I'd like to rip her clothes off" or "I wish we could have sex right now" so I don't think these feelings are sexual? But they still seem like they could be sexual (especially considering the fact that I can become sexually aroused by the body?).

 

(BTW I can feel a less intense version of this by looking at a guy's body, but at least for me this one is easy to know that it isn't sexual because I don't feel any sort of arousal).

 

And then I try to assess all of these feelings/attractions/desires I seem to have or not have, but I don't know if the indifferent attitude I have towards relationships is a Normal(TM) thing for someone to be feeling or if I have some form of depression or mental health issue causing it? This is where I feel the most inner turmoil - I don't know if my feelings are a valid thing that I shouldn't feel ashamed of or if my lack of urges/desire and my inability to find any reason to care about dating is caused by some mental heath issue? I don't think I was depressed when I was dating before which is a reassuring thought, but the thought that my issues are caused by something I can fix is always there. And then I just don't even want to think about the possibility that I just really just don't have any desire to maintain relationships of any kind, and that I really would be "using" someone if I attempt another romantic/sexual relationship.

 

All I can really do right now is compare my memories of my past relationships and remembered feelings with how I can imagine myself acting and feeling in those situations. It has been over six years since I have had a romantic relationship so it is honestly possible I could have forgotten what actually occurred and how I felt at the time. Who knows.

I am so confused by everything so the only thing I can honestly say is that I am not "normal" compared to other people when it comes to my romantic and sexual orientation. And for me this is best described as gray-romantic and gray-sexual because I honestly can't expend any more brain cycles running myself in circles second guessing every label I try.

 

Now that I have finally had my "question everything" moment I think it will help me immensely to admit that I can't put a pin in exactly what's going on with myself by sitting here because I will think myself in circles. If I have the desire to pursue anything going forward I think it will be with a person that understands my situation beforehand and we have a mutual understanding:

 

Quote

We have some things in common, I'd like to spend time with you, I find you SOMEHOW attractive (sexual? aesthetic? romantic? wtf?), so I'm interested to see if any connection forms. I am probably on the aromantic and asexual spectrum and I could try to describe what I think I am, but that would be difficult. I do believe I'd like a relationship of some type right now (which I don't think needs to be sexual in nature, but it is a possibility??), so if you're cool with all of that and what I described doesn't sound like a problem to you I'd love to take things slow and see if we have any compatibility!

So yeah, that's where I'm at.

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5 hours ago, Squirrel623 said:

When I have had sex before I have definitely enjoyed the experience because it:

  • Physically felt good
  • Provided sexual release from being aroused
  • I enjoy being able to pleasure my partner, and I enjoyed the result of performing the sexual acts due to what it does for my partner
  • It seemed to be a way my partner was bonding with me and having fun

 

But - I always felt weird because I didn't have any particular reasons to be having sex besides those reasons and just feeling like "it's what people do". It almost feels like if I wasn't concerned with my partner's experience I would just be "using" the body somehow.

Completely relate to this! When in relationships I have basically decided to play this game (occasionally) even though I’d rather not, as I can absolutely enjoy it in the same ways you describe above.

 

5 hours ago, Squirrel623 said:

Which might be fine and dandy, but can get so confused because I can feel such intense feelings from looking at a woman's body that I would personally consider "perfect". I can't figure out how to categorize my feelings - are they sexual? aesthetic? something else? It is possible for myself to think "My GOD is she just so NICE." about a female figure and have it not be sexual? This is usually in response to certain body parts that could be considered sexual (butt/breasts) but it is also be in response to some non-sexual things like her face or just body shape in general. I don't have any thoughts like "I'd like to rip her clothes off" or "I wish we could have sex right now" so I don't think these feelings are sexual? But they still seem like they could be sexual (especially considering the fact that I can become sexually aroused by the body?).

This thread is pretty much the only place I have been able to share the same experiences you describe here and not be told I’m not asexual.

 

Whilst I’m probably as close to grey as possible without being grey, I still identify as asexual as I do not experience any forms of attraction that lead to the desire to have sex. I do experience other forms of attraction very intensely and they can lead to arousal, but arousal is a physiological reaction and not the same as sexual attraction.

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On 9/11/2020 at 2:38 AM, Squirrel623 said:

OK, we are in very close physical proximity and I am definitely sexually aroused, but I have no idea what to do in this situation. At all. Like I know what I should be doing in this situation according to societies' definition of 'normal', but I have no drive to explore you or kiss you. Like if I had frozen time right now and I could be a weirdo creep that could essentially 'use' my partner's body for sexual release, I would honestly prefer that scenario to masturbation because I am feeling some sort of aesthetic?/sexual? attraction to my partner's body. But - outside of a situation like that I don't have any urge or desire to do anything right now? This is actually very uncomfortable because I feel like a robot and that I'm faking it.

When I have had sex before I have definitely enjoyed the experience because it:

  • Physically felt good
  • Provided sexual release from being aroused
  • I enjoy being able to pleasure my partner, and I enjoyed the result of performing the sexual acts due to what it does for my partner
  • It seemed to be a way my partner was bonding with me and having fun

Oh. My. God. Yes! THIS is me! This is exactly it. It's as if everything about sexual attraction is there except when it really comes down to it yeah? I have no drive to actually do sexy things with them, but yes, I still want to used them for sexual release. Maybe mutual masturbation then would be the best form of sexual interaction for people like us? Kind of seems like the best of both worlds. So so so strange, but I am so happy someone else nailed it down with words.

 

I have 'types' that I find very attractive, like you said, some girls I think look So nice, triggering intense feelings, to the extent that yes picturing them naked etc is very nice, but actual physical desire? Nope. And it gets harder to deferentiate when arousal gets involved too. But there is still some kind of disconnect, something missing telling me I am not allosexual.

On 9/11/2020 at 2:38 AM, Squirrel623 said:
Quote

We have some things in common, I'd like to spend time with you, I find you SOMEHOW attractive (sexual? aesthetic? romantic? wtf?), so I'm interested to see if any connection forms. I am probably on the aromantic and asexual spectrum and I could try to describe what I think I am, but that would be difficult. I do believe I'd like a relationship of some type right now (which I don't think needs to be sexual in nature, but it is a possibility??), so if you're cool with all of that and what I described doesn't sound like a problem to you I'd love to take things slow and see if we have any compatibility!

This is essentially me as well. (Minus the aromantic part)

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On 9/11/2020 at 7:51 AM, Iam9man said:

This thread is pretty much the only place I have been able to share the same experiences you describe here and not be told I’m not asexual.

 

Whilst I’m probably as close to grey as possible without being grey, I still identify as asexual as I do not experience any forms of attraction that lead to the desire to have sex. I do experience other forms of attraction very intensely and they can lead to arousal, but arousal is a physiological reaction and not the same as sexual attraction.

Same. I wouldn't feel like I could be asexual, were it not for this thread. It's been so refreshing knowing there's others like me. I think that is the key, "not experience any forms of attraction that lead to the desire to have sex", as strong as the attraction can feel, in many ways, if it ultimately does not drive you to physically want real sex with that person, it isn't sexual. Maybe a new term is needed for this, or perhaps greysexual/asexual is good enough. I guess the label doesn't matter in the grand scheme.

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23 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

I wouldn't feel like I could be asexual, were it not for this thread. It's been so refreshing knowing there's others like me.

Same 👍

 

23 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

I think that is the key, "not experience any forms of attraction that lead to the desire to have sex", as strong as the attraction can feel, in many ways, if it ultimately does not drive you to physically want real sex with that person, it isn't sexual.

I went with “sex-favourable asexual” for about a year to try and communicate this nuance. I’m arguably not sex-favourable as I’d rather not have sex. I can enjoy sex and am probably more up for it than the average asexual (if there is such a thing!). What made me choose this qualifier was that I experience other forms of attraction so much more intensely than most asexuals I speak to (to the extent I’ve been told repeatedly I’m not asexual 🙄) that I decided to try and communicate this. I’ve now dropped it as I can’t be bothered. I’m strongly attracted to some people; I can enjoy sex; sex doesn’t come naturally to me and never has. I identify as asexual 😊

 

23 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

Maybe a new term is needed for this, or perhaps greysexual/asexual is good enough. I guess the label doesn't matter in the grand scheme.

Yeah, tend to agree a new qualifier might be handy, maybe along with asexual or gray-a. I quite liked “hypersensual” which was suggested earlier in this thread, but perhaps isn’t quite as accurate as it could be. I guess I could say the same for “sex-favourable”.

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11 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

I went with “sex-favourable asexual” for about a year to try and communicate this nuance. I’m arguably not sex-favourable as I’d rather not have sex. I can enjoy sex and am probably more up for it than the average asexual (if there is such a thing!). What made me choose this qualifier was that I experience other forms of attraction so much more intensely than most asexuals I speak to (to the extent I’ve been told repeatedly I’m not asexual 🙄) that I decided to try and communicate this. I’ve now dropped it as I can’t be bothered. I’m strongly attracted to some people; I can enjoy sex; sex doesn’t come naturally to me and never had. I identify as asexual 😊

Yeah compared to other asexuals I know personally, I definitely am way more open to the idea of sex. It does seem most asexuals experience dulled versions of most types of attraction, but with the people in this thread, they are very intense. It's made it tougher for us to really isolate that we don't experience sexual attraction. I'm sorry to hear people have tried gate keeping you like that, especially when this is supposed to be a welcoming community and you obviously do fit in the ace umbrella 😕 I guess I still need more time to figure out what I wanna go with, I feel like regardless if I pick Ace or Allo, it would be confusing to people.

11 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

Yeah, tend to agree a new qualifier might be handy, maybe along with asexual or gray-a. I quite liked “hypersensual” which was suggested earlier in this thread, but perhaps isn’t quite as accurate as it could be. I guess I could say the same for “sex-favourable”.

There certainly is enough people in here to justify a new term. I also liked hypersensual, I suppose it does describe out situation fairly well and does roll off the tounge nicely.

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9 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

It's made it tougher for us to really isolate that we don't experience sexual attraction.

My theory is that most people who feel this way carry on thinking they’re another orientation, albeit slightly broken (I felt that way for years!).

 

9 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

I'm sorry to hear people have tried gate keeping you like that, especially when this is supposed to be a welcoming community and you obviously do fit in the ace umbrella 😕

Thank you. I’m pretty open about the fact that I almost left AVEN. In the end, I realised that 90% of what I experienced (and see others experiencing) comes from less than 10 members... and 10 people don’t speak for the whole ace community 😊

 

The sooner our community fully embraces that identities are “descriptive”, not “prescriptive” the better.

 

9 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

guess I still need more time to figure out what I wanna go with, I feel like regardless if I pick Ace or Allo, it would be confusing to people.

Good luck and please do share here if you feel comfortable doing so. Whilst I feel just asexual is 98% accurate in my case I am always open to considering other labels if they’re more accurate 👍

 

9 minutes ago, Granite4Breakfast said:

There certainly is enough people in here to justify a new term. I also liked hypersensual, I suppose it does describe out situation fairly well and does roll off the tounge nicely.

Agreed 😎

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