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Can anyone relate to this (Ace or Gray-A)?


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I relate a lot to this thread. I don't really experience sexual attraction, I find men and women aesthetically attractive. But I love kissing, making out, touching, cuddling, groping. But whenever that leads to the actual act of sex I kind of dread it. In my most recent relationship whenever we did PIV, I always just wanted it to be over. It was very "meh" to me. One thing I did enjoy about it was that we were able to embrace for a while and that gave me a sense of closeness, but it was the sense of closeness rather than the act itself that I liked. 

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Oh my god, my people. Adding my name to the hat of the hypersensual aces. I'm so grateful you've all chosen to share so we can find each other. Thank you thank you thank you. 

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Sewing_shadows
On 4/8/2019 at 9:54 PM, AnnaAce said:

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written, but I am just now finding out what it is called so I haven’t had time to give myself a label. For a long time I’ve struggled with the idea that something is wrong with me. I find guys aesthetically attractive, I feel a certain way about them, I have had sex but I have never really enjoyed it the way i think it is supposed to be enjoyed. I don’t need it nor do I want it. However, I do enjoy hugging, kissing, cuddling. I also enjoy orgasms but really only with myself, and even so not very often. I think for a long time I have mixed up sensual desire with sexual desire. I just want to be close to someone and enjoy touch, smell, etc. but not be bound to have sex. Most of the time when my husband and I have sex I’m just waiting for it to be over. I don’t mind giving oral also, I think more for the power I have doing it than the desire to do so, but don’t enjoy receiving it at all. So asexual with sensual desires maybe? I don’t know, still learning 

I could have written this post. I loooove cuddling. My husband doesn’t seem to understand how fantastic cuddling alone feels for me, especially when the idea of PIV is off the table. He’s discussed the idea that I’m not attracted to him, but I don’t think that’s fair to say. I’m definitely attracted to him, but sexual attraction has never been a thing for me. 

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You mentioned kind of a lot.  I'm not sure what part we're supposed to be relating to.

 

Anyway, no, I don't get aroused from looking at people.  If I did, I wouldn't be calling myself asexual.

 

Also never felt any "need" to ejaculate, although my body does see fit to provide the occasional nocturnal emission every now and then (maybe like 2-4 times a year?)  Ugh.

 

Can't comment on the intercourse bit because I've never done it.  Actually spent a good chunk of my life wondering if I even could do it, because I spent a good chunk of my life without ever experiencing arousal.

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Generally speaking, the consensus on AVEN seems to be that if attraction doesn’t lead to the desire for partnered sexual intercourse then it’s not sexual attraction. Arousal on the other hand is simply a physiological reaction of the body to stimuli.
 

I think many of us on the more sensual side struggled with arousal. In my case, I can get aroused from aesthetic and sensual (possibly even romantic) attraction but it never leads to the desire for partnered sexual intercourse. This disconnect between my mind and body led to many years of confusion.

 

Finding this thread and working out this is not incompatible with asexuality is what finally made me fully accept I’m asexual 😊

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  • 2 months later...

I still come back to this thread on a regular basis. I so relate to almost everything shared here 😊

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Wow, I'm new to Aven and just found this thread and had a "mind blown" revelation. This thread really sums me up as well! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way. 

 

I completely agree with those who have said the minute genitals get involved, its a no from me. It completely ruins the moment. I'm so glad to find there is a word for this! I have thought I was demi or grey until this very moment. Neither of those words fully expressed what I have felt in the past. 

 

Thank you for creating this post!

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DarkSideofTheMoon

I relate to your story. I am brand new to this forum and to the asexual community. 

On 4/9/2019 at 1:29 AM, TrippleL said:

Thanks for sharing 🙂

 

I still believe we’re in the minority, and I’d hazard a guess that the majority of people who feel this way still identify as hetero/homo/bisexual, not knowing that their feelings mean they may be asexual/gray-a.

 

It’s nice to receive a steady (small) stream of messages and PMs from people who relate. My aim was never validation, but it is comforting to not feel alone 🙂

I definitely just thought I was bisexual and had a low sex drive, because I found both men and women attractive. I realize now that I am more attracted to personality and emotional connection regardless of sex. So I guess that would make me asexual biromantic? I just really enjoy knowing people and being physically affectionate outside of sex. It is interesting that you mention being averse to oral sex. I would much rather give oral sex than engage in full on penetrative sex. I guess it is more because I like to fulfill the other person's need but I don't have any of my own sexual needs so its a win-win in my opinion. Thanks for sharing your story. It helped me think about my own experience and feel like someone else out there has had similar experiences. 

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I can totally relate to that killswitch. It just happens out of nowhere. I identify as a gray asexual. 

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I definitely identify with being hypersensual too.  I have been back and forth to this forum for years never really feeling I fully identified with any label.  I think I may be somewhere on the gray spectrum.  I do feel sexual attraction but only very rarely. Usually it is someone with whom I have a very deep connection with or sometimes if I connect with someone deeply very quickly it can happen. Sometimes it can happen randomly too but that is even more rare.   I am also gay and sometimes with internal homophobia I find myself immediately suppressing any sexual attraction for someone who is straight as I feel like it is disrespectful or bad or something...

Anyway, I have been single for a very long time even though I do want a relationship because I am a very sensual person and I love touching and cuddling and kissing and being emotionally close to someone.  It can be difficult for me to find the right person for even this. I am definitely not repulsed by sex and the idea of never having enjoyable sex with anyone in my life really depresses me but also feels a bit like the holy grail - does anyone else feel like this, like you really want to experience good sex but can never seem to find the right person to do this with ? I think that if I was asexual I just wouldn't want to have sex at all but I do want to have sex but have some difficulty in finding the right person that I am sexually attracted to at the right time.

 

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10 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I definitely identify with being hypersensual too.

👍

 

10 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

does anyone else feel like this, like you really want to experience good sex but can never seem to find the right person to do this with ?

Not quite, but close. Sometimes when I choose to relieve my libido with a partner I can definitely enjoy aspects of sex, but I am always left with a slight disappointment... like it was nearly enjoyable but not quite. The way I see this is that I’m enjoying the sensual and aesthetic (maybe also romantic) aspects of sex and then, as I don’t really want sex (even if I can kinda push this out of my mind to enjoy the experience), it leaves me feeling disappointed after the event.

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I think also to enjoy sex to the full you really have to be feeling the sexual desire or attraction.  I experience it sometimes and it can be overwhelming and you can kind of get into a bit of a trance with it and its a lovely feeling. It's almost like you have taken a drug or something....Have you ever experienced this?

The way I see it, allo sexual people experience this feeling frequently but maybe for gray-a's it comes and goes.  

The way you describe sex is the way that I used to feel in having sex with some men and it's what made me realise that I was gay.  Unfortunately I have not yet met a woman where it has been the right time and place but I have had 'almost' encounters with women and my feelings from the outset were much stronger, like even the thought of sex was much stronger but unfortunately for me these situations don't happen very often.  Like really not often at all.  It's very annoying and frustrating and makes me worried that I will be alone forever.  

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10 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I think also to enjoy sex to the full you really have to be feeling the sexual desire or attraction.

Based on my experience I tend to agree.

 

10 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I experience it sometimes and it can be overwhelming and you can kind of get into a bit of a trance with it and its a lovely feeling. It's almost like you have taken a drug or something....Have you ever experienced this?

Yeah, I’ve had sex with someone I was really in love with. That felt very different and a bit like you describe.

 

10 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

The way I see it, allo sexual people experience this feeling frequently but maybe for gray-a's it comes and goes.  

I’ve certainly read posts on here by sexual people who describe the same! They seem a bit shocked that some of us have experienced something similar and don’t attribute it to sexual attraction and don’t particularly care to repeat it 🤣

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Blizzard Avis
8 hours ago, Iam9man said:

I've certainly read posts on here by sexual people who describe the same! They seem a bit shocked that some of us have experienced something similar and don’t attribute it to sexual attraction and don’t particularly care to repeat it 

Happened to me with one person and I am kind of scared of repeating that feeling 😅

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14 hours ago, Iam9man said:

Based on my experience I tend to agree.

 

Yeah, I’ve had sex with someone I was really in love with. That felt very different and a bit like you describe.

 

I’ve certainly read posts on here by sexual people who describe the same! They seem a bit shocked that some of us have experienced something similar and don’t attribute it to sexual attraction and don’t particularly care to repeat it 🤣

Why you don’t care to repeat it?  Was it not an enjoyable experience? Did it only happen the one time with the person you were in love with? 

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8 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

Why you don’t care to repeat it?  Was it not an enjoyable experience? Did it only happen the one time with the person you were in love with? 

I guess what I meant was I don’t care to pursue it. Like it was an enjoyable experience and if it happened again I’d enjoy it again, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to chase/pursue it. The “amazing” experiences were all thanks to love. Unfortunately alcohol also helped me have some merely “good” experiences!

 

I think it would be useful to add that in all the above scenarios I still hadn’t worked out I was ace.

 

The way I see it, those times I got some of the connection that sexual people get from sex. The difference being is that in my case, being asexual, I’m going to try and find ways of repeating it that don’t involve sex as I’d ultimately rather not.

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What an interesting thread! As I've come to this realization (years later than I should have, but whatever) that there's nothing wrong with me for not desiring sex, and especially a sexual relationship, I've still wondered about the feelings I sometimes have and things I DO find desirable. I'm definitely on the demi- side of being able to muster the effort when I'm truly in love with someone (hasn't happened in ages, to be honest... haven't actively looked for 'the one' in about as long either). But people's discussion here with hypersensuality definitely rings some bells! I actually shy away from general touch from people, but have no problem when someone I care about wants to keep hugging for a very long time. Cuddling is not something I crave, but again, with someone special ... thinking about it, I actually find those sort of sensual acts the most arousing too. I just laughed to myself, remembering when I was first thinking about sex as a youngster, that I thought gently touching boob and feeling the curves of a woman's hips seemed way better than actual penetration! ... still do, actually! :)

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1 hour ago, robnrdbrd said:

I actually shy away from general touch from people, but have no problem when someone I care about wants to keep hugging for a very long time.

Definitely relate to this!

 

1 hour ago, robnrdbrd said:

Cuddling is not something I crave, but again, with someone special ... thinking about it, I actually find those sort of sensual acts the most arousing too.

And this!

 

I’m often asked by other asexuals how that is not sexual attraction. Well, because it’s arousal leading to... nothing!

 

My response seems the same as heterosexuals up to that point, but I’d rather just stop there and not have sex, which is very unlike heterosexuals and other people who experience sexual attraction.

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  • 1 month later...
TogetherAgain

THANK YOU for this thread!!!

 

I haven't read all of it yet and don't currently have enough focus to really think through all of it, and I'm still not sure this is quite EXACTLY what I feel, but it is a LOT closer than anything else I've read ANYWHERE. So if nothing else, I feel like I finally have a DIRECTION to start looking in. And that is HUGE.

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QuasiSquirrel

The kill switch! Yes! I totally experience this with my sexual partners. I just didn't want to go there... Don't get me wrong, I thought they were all beautiful and absolutely amazing people, the last one had the most amazing eyes that I could stare into for days and I loved cuddling and kissing with her. She gave me butterflies, but when it came to doing the doing... I just switched off. I had little to no desire to do it.

 

My favourite memory of her is actually when we were just lying in bed listening to music and she almost fell asleep with her head on my chest - she had difficulty falling asleep if she was touched. I had the biggest grin on my mouth! Then the sun started shining into her eyes...

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On 5/30/2020 at 3:24 AM, TogetherAgain said:

THANK YOU for this thread!!!

 

I haven't read all of it yet and don't currently have enough focus to really think through all of it, and I'm still not sure this is quite EXACTLY what I feel, but it is a LOT closer than anything else I've read ANYWHERE. So if nothing else, I feel like I finally have a DIRECTION to start looking in. And that is HUGE.

I think this kind of experience is missing from most other conversations on AVEN so I am so glad this thread exists 😊

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On 6/1/2020 at 5:34 PM, QuasiSquirrel said:

The kill switch! Yes! I totally experience this with my sexual partners. I just didn't want to go there... Don't get me wrong, I thought they were all beautiful and absolutely amazing people, the last one had the most amazing eyes that I could stare into for days and I loved cuddling and kissing with her. She gave me butterflies, but when it came to doing the doing... I just switched off. I had little to no desire to do it.

So relate to this!

 

Maybe we should call it “Kill Switch Asexuality”? 🙃

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  • 2 weeks later...
TogetherAgain
On 4/12/2020 at 2:46 PM, Hypnotic said:

I think also to enjoy sex to the full you really have to be feeling the sexual desire or attraction.  I experience it sometimes and it can be overwhelming and you can kind of get into a bit of a trance with it and its a lovely feeling. It's almost like you have taken a drug or something....Have you ever experienced this?

The way I see it, allo sexual people experience this feeling frequently but maybe for gray-a's it comes and goes.  

 

On 4/13/2020 at 1:31 AM, Iam9man said:

I’ve certainly read posts on here by sexual people who describe the same! They seem a bit shocked that some of us have experienced something similar and don’t attribute it to sexual attraction and don’t particularly care to repeat it 🤣

Oh. My. Gosh. THIS. Thank you so much, both of you, because I just had my lightbulb moment. That trance-like feeling. THAT is the phrase that I needed. Because I HAVE felt that, and I have had sex and enjoyed it, but also it kind of freaks me out and I can't say I've ever had it with someone I would also describe as being "hot." Because yes, there are people I look at, in certain situations, and I can find them aesthetically pleasing in a way that is arousing, but that doesn't mean I want to actually *do* anything with them, and also none of the people I've had sexual encounters with really fit that description? So what I have spent my whole life thinking of as "sexual attraction," which is probably more accurately described as "sensual" or "aesthetic attraction," has never really been a feature of my sexual encounters. 

 

I... do not have the mental capacity right now to explain how many pieces just clicked into place for me. But oh my gosh. It clicks.

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9 hours ago, TogetherAgain said:

 

I... do not have the mental capacity right now to explain how many pieces just clicked into place for me. But oh my gosh. It clicks

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

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On 2/2/2019 at 2:30 PM, TrippleL said:

Might be relevant: I’m sex-neutral when it comes to PIV; averse when it comes to any form of oral (giving or receiving).

 

 

What does PIV stand for?

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DuranDuranfan
2 hours ago, Moggie said:

What does PIV stand for?

Penis Inside Vagina.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm coming back to this thread again as it is great and I really relate to most of the things that people have written here but I'm just wondering.... I get very aroused by foreplay and enjoy it very much I do like my genitals to be touched outside clothes but in my head it's like I want more but whoever I am with can't seem to give it to me or hit the spot... not sure if anyone relates to this?

 

Also I'm just wondering, I identify as gay because I only every experience arousal or infrequent/ mild attraction for women or fantasise about some women but I don't see on here many people saying they are either gay and grey-a or heterosexual and grey-a... so I was just wondering.  Is grey-a a sexuality in itself or can you be gay and grey-a ??  I think this is especially important if you are hypersensual because I only want to be hypersensual with women too?  Or is it just assummed that your grey-aness is heterosexual unless otherwise specified? 

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35 minutes ago, Hypnotic said:

I'm coming back to this thread again as it is great and I really relate to most of the things that people have written here

Same here 😊

 

35 minutes ago, Hypnotic said:

I'm just wondering.... I get very aroused by foreplay and enjoy it very much I do like my genitals to be touched outside clothes but in my head it's like I want more but whoever I am with can't seem to give it to me or hit the spot... not sure if anyone relates to this?

I get very aroused from foreplay too, but prefer nothing to do with genitalia (although kinda happy to compromise occasionally when in a relationship).

 

I sort of relate to the second part. Like my body will get aroused and want “more” (whatever undefined thing that is) but I don’t. I’ve experimented with different things (often with the help of alcohol) to find that one thing that’s that “more”, and although some of it was fun, I’m yet to find it; and since working out I’m ace I suspect it doesn’t exist, at least for me. In most cases even if something was kinda fun I’m like “no, that wasn’t it either, so no need to try that again!”. This has been a bit confusing for past sexual partners 🤣

 

One thing I’ll add is that in my case there seems to be a mismatch between physical arousal, possibly mental arousal and actual desire to engage with something sexual; or more specifically enjoying the idea of something then feeling it lacking when trying it. I personally attribute this to lack of sexual attraction, even though some of my hypersensual experiences are borderline.

 

42 minutes ago, Hypnotic said:

Also I'm just wondering, I identify as gay because I only every experience arousal or infrequent/ mild attraction for women or fantasise about some women but I don't see on here many people saying they are either gay and grey-a or heterosexual and grey-a... so I was just wondering.  Is grey-a a sexuality in itself or can you be gay and grey-a ??  I think this is especially important if you are hypersensual because I only want to be hypersensual with women too?  Or is it just assummed that your grey-aness is heterosexual unless otherwise specified? 

I’m guessing here but probably most people who find this thread and relate are so happy to find others that have similar experiences that their other orientations are sort of irrelevant for the sake of this conversation 😎

 

Whilst I have numerous labels that technically apply I only use one outside of AVEN; asexual. Sometimes in discussions here I’ll add hypersensual and heteroromantic. I personally don’t relate to the term “straight ace” as I don’t feel straight as an asexual, even if my romantic orientation arguably is.

 

You may equally find you prefer 1 or 2 more generic labels outside of AVEN, to keep things simple, but also maybe not.

 

Both Hypersensual gay gray-a, or just gay gray-a sound cool 👍

 

I’ve never thought about whether people assume hetero I’d you merely say gray-a. I think it’s a fair question. I think I wouldn’t, just because I’ve been on AVEN long enough to appreciate variety, but perhaps others would.

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On 7/2/2020 at 6:50 PM, Iam9man said:

Same here 😊

 

I get very aroused from foreplay too, but prefer nothing to do with genitalia (although kinda happy to compromise occasionally when in a relationship).

 

I sort of relate to the second part. Like my body will get aroused and want “more” (whatever undefined thing that is) but I don’t. I’ve experimented with different things (often with the help of alcohol) to find that one thing that’s that “more”, and although some of it was fun, I’m yet to find it; and since working out I’m ace I suspect it doesn’t exist, at least for me. In most cases even if something was kinda fun I’m like “no, that wasn’t it either, so no need to try that again!”. This has been a bit confusing for past sexual partners 🤣

 

One thing I’ll add is that in my case there seems to be a mismatch between physical arousal, possibly mental arousal and actual desire to engage with something sexual; or more specifically enjoying the idea of something then feeling it lacking when trying it. I personally attribute this to lack of sexual attraction, even though some of my hypersensual experiences are borderline.

 

I’m guessing here but probably most people who find this thread and relate are so happy to find others that have similar experiences that their other orientations are sort of irrelevant for the sake of this conversation 😎

 

Whilst I have numerous labels that technically apply I only use one outside of AVEN; asexual. Sometimes in discussions here I’ll add hypersensual and heteroromantic. I personally don’t relate to the term “straight ace” as I don’t feel straight as an asexual, even if my romantic orientation arguably is.

 

You may equally find you prefer 1 or 2 more generic labels outside of AVEN, to keep things simple, but also maybe not.

 

Both Hypersensual gay gray-a, or just gay gray-a sound cool 👍

 

I’ve never thought about whether people assume hetero I’d you merely say gray-a. I think it’s a fair question. I think I wouldn’t, just because I’ve been on AVEN long enough to appreciate variety, but perhaps others would.

I definitely identify with what you say with there being a mismatch between physical & mental arousal and an actual desire to engage with something sexual. 

 

Up to about the age of 25 I thought I was definitely asexual.  I had a boyfriend and I enjoyed being sensual during sex but never really wanted sex and always felt disappointed when we did have sex and had similar experiences with other men.  I never felt aroused by men, I didn't really know what that was.  Then I started to have feelings for women and experienced sexual attraction for the first time but is not very frequent. I definitely think a lot about women's parts... bums, genitals etc you get the picture (!) and sometimes think about touching them when but it is usually a stranger and someone I do not know and highly unlikely anything would happen.  There have only really been a few women that I have thought I would like to have sex with.

 

Do you find that you also are not attracted to very many people? By this I mean that there are not many people that you would want to be sensual with?

 

I went along for along time thinking I was gay and that I had somehow suppressed my feelings and I have come out to everyone.  I really thought that this label suited me but now I am not so sure.  I can't figure out if I haven't met the right person or if I am actually asexual.  

 

Also I don't know if I could even have a relationship with someone who was asexual because I really enjoy being sensual too and I would find it difficult if I couldn't touch/kiss/be naked with someone.... 

 

Yes it is all VERY CONFUSING.... maybe one day I will figure it all out who knows?!?!

 

I think hypersensual gay-grey-a fits quite well though for now, thanks!!

 

And yes ALCOHOL, for some reason it makes me  experience sexual attraction a lot more, even after just one drink, so strange!! 

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