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Think my bf may be asexual, unsure if there can be compromise


Sookie

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Warning: will contain explicit themes.

 

Hi, I'm new on here. It seemed like most people in the intro threads were aces rather than sexuals so I've just posted here instead. I hope that is ok. I don't expect a resolution to my posting, just a place to express my feelings.

 

Today I phoned my bf because I was unsure about whether he found me attractive enough to have a sexual relationship with me. Apparently he does find me attractive but has little desire to have sex with me or have sex of any kind (including masturbation).

 

To set the scene as it were, I am a 20-something female, romantic and sexual. He is 30-something, romantic and I thought when we started dating, sexual. He had not had many sexual partners before me and I had had none due to my belief that I wanted to wait until I had found a committed relationship before losing my virginity. I had struggled to find men who would date me given my beliefs and had never met any potential suitors at church either so when I explained to my bf that I wanted to wait and he said that wouldn't be a problem, I was delighted.

 

We have always been very affectionate which I love and when I would 'dry hump' him 😂he suggested that it was frustrating not being able to do the 'real thing'. So far, so good.

 

Fast forward to me losing my virginity to him. It was very awkward and I have to admit, afterwards I did think "is this what people always go on about? What the world seems to revolve around?" but I accepted that the first time was never going to be great and that since I had enjoyed fantasising about sex and use of toys, it would get better as we went along. The second time was more pleasurable but still very awkward. I thought he seemed to enjoy it though. Then.....nothing.

 

I started to believe that I was the problem. I was too fat or not sexy enough to be attractive to him. We talked it out today after I discussed it with my best friend and she said it wasn't typical.

 

So now I'm here, unsure if it is his lack of experience that means he's not enjoying it or if he really is asexual. And as a person who was excited to finally get into a sexual relationship, I'm devastated. A lot of my satisfaction would come from me being able to give him pleasure sexually yet if he doesn't enjoy sex, what is the point of us having sex? I don't want to do it if he's not going to enjoy it yet I'm extremely sad at the thought of having a sex-less relationship and I feel too young to settle for this. I could just leave but I know that he does really care for me and it would hurt him to break up for what he calls 'a trivial reason such as sex'.

 

I've been crying all day. I don't know what to do.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

It does sound like he could be Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Have you talked to him about the possibility that he's Asexual?

 

I don't know if it will help, but there's a short book about asexuality that is free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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@Sookie it's not wrong to have sex with someone that doesn't intrinsically desire it. They might do it because it makes their partner happy, because sex is their partner's expression of love.

 

But it sounds like you, or both of you, are inexperienced such that you're having trouble sorting through what's what here. Have you considered seeking a therapist?

 

Crying is normal, there is grief. it's hard to realize a partner might never feel for you something you feel for them.

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Hi, @Sookie!  Welcome to AVEN.  I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in a sad situation.

 

Agreed with anisotropic... a therapist might be helpful as you, or the two of you, sort through your feelings and decide what you want to do.

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32 minutes ago, Sookie said:

I could just leave but I know that he does really care for me and it would hurt him to break up for what he calls 'a trivial reason such as sex'.

I think this right here is your biggest problem, more than him being asexual.

 

A lot of asexual people are inclined to dismiss the importance of sex in a relationship with an allosexual person. Whether we like it or not, sex is essential and healthy in most normal relationships. Matching libidos make for generally happier times, whether that means lots of sex or no sex at all.

 

Having matching libidos is not trivial. It's not okay to dismiss something that's very important to your partner just because you don't find it to be so. And you don't need a reason to break up with someone, but if you did, incompatible sexual needs would be a very good one.

 

Ultimately it's up to you what you do, but this man will not be your only option in life. There are men out there who will desire you in all ways, who will be even more compatible with you. If you don't think you could go without sex for the rest of your life, or even with a compromise once-a-week rather one-sided sexual interaction, don't commit yourself.

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56 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'd be wary of someone dismissing sex as trivial. 

Agreed... it may seem trivial to him (or it may not, and he’s just trying to devalue your argument) but that doesn’t mean it has to be trivial to/for you (OP).

 

Also, “because it would hurt him if we broke up” is not - on its own - ultimately a good or successful reason to stay with someone.  For it to work out you need to be staying for yourself as well (which you may be; just saying this based on what’s posted).

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Although I may not be the best source of advice when it comes to anything relationship based, I do not quite agree with saying "Don't trust him if he thinks sex is trivial."

 

If he is Asexual and doesn't realize he is, that could be normal, albeit naive, of him to think. Before I understood Asexuality I never could comprehend why people would break up over sexual issues or even do it for any purpose other than procreation, now I know why.

 

However, if he is not Asexual and using that simply to win an argument then yes, do be wary of him.

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Agreed with @Aebt... When someone learns about asexuality, they might realize they're substantially different from others. And thus... that sex really is important for others. That happened with my partner.

 

This revelation doesn't always happen. But if a partner can't feel that sort of empathy, I think the relationship is unlikely to be a happy one. (Even with empathy for each other, it can be hard!)

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45 minutes ago, Aebt said:

I do not quite agree with saying "Don't trust him if he thinks sex is trivial."

Agreed.  I was thinking more of wary in the sense of cautious as it could be an indicator of a major difference.

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@Sookie I just want to say don't be so hard on yourself.  If he's ace or has a low libido, that doesn't have anything to do with how attracted he is to you.  You're worth more than you think.  And it sounds like he actually does care a great deal for you.  He just sounds like, as others have pointed out, he probably just doesn't understand your point of view.  I would suggest having a few more heart to heart conversations with him before you make any hard decisions.

 

Also, the fact that you are here means that you care enough to have done some research in order to understand.  You deserve the same in return.

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47 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's not because he doesn't understand the importance, it's because he's dismissing its importance to the OP after she's clearly explained it. 

Well, I think that’s the point a few others were making... if he doesn’t currently see himself as different than most people, he may just think OP is exaggerating.

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26 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It doesn't matter. If something is a serious problem to your other half, you should take it seriously too, not because of what it is, but because it matters to them. 

People aren't always that perceptive and sometimes need a nudge of guidance.

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Thanks so much for your replies and for the cake! :cake:

 

I think as @Aebt, @anisotropic and @ryn2 have mentioned, he doesn't see himself as being different to anyone else. Although I've tried to gently ask if he is asexual and that some people are simply wired that way, I'm not sure he would ever identify as asexual. He is quite old fashioned in some respects and from a male-dominated family and I'm not sure whether he would really relate to any other labels than straight/gay.

 

We might have to try therapy in the future if he was up for it. For now, we have decided to put it down to inexperience and look at rectifying that in the future (because I know pressure to perform certainly won't make things any better). I don't think he'll ever have the same sex-drive as me but I could cope if he just had lower (as opposed to no) libido. The rest of the relationship is good.

 

I never used to think there was such a thing as sexual incompatibility. I never thought I would be the kind of person to consider breaking up with someone over sex.

 

I'm thankful that this site and forum exists. It's enlightening and from what I've seen and experienced, very supportive to aces and non-aces.

 

 

2 hours ago, xstatic said:

@Sookie I just want to say don't be so hard on yourself.  If he's ace or has a low libido, that doesn't have anything to do with how attracted he is to you.  You're worth more than you think.  And it sounds like he actually does care a great deal for you.  He just sounds like, as others have pointed out, he probably just doesn't understand your point of view.  I would suggest having a few more heart to heart conversations with him before you make any hard decisions.

 

Also, the fact that you are here means that you care enough to have done some research in order to understand.  You deserve the same in return.

Can I double-like this post or give you a virtual hug? 🤗 @xstatic

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2 minutes ago, Sookie said:

We might have to try therapy in the future if he was up for it.

If you continue to find the situation stressful, are feeling bad about yourself because of it, or similar you can always try therapy yourself (even if he is unwilling to go).

 

*hugs*

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41 minutes ago, Sookie said:

Can I double-like this post or give you a virtual hug? 🤗 

Abso-freakin-lutely!  Virtual hug received and returned.  🥰

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Like, literally some people don't get it right away.  Even when being explicitly told.  I'm a person who sometimes needs extra nudging and explanation.  So I get it.

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But @Sookie is skeptical that he'll be into seeing it as an orientation & profoundly different from (hetero)sexuality. That's a bummer.

 

At least my partner was already questioning in some way, with sexual stuff with both genders. We were already not ...traditional or whatever. If someone is invested in being a religious-ish cishet patriarchal dude, he seems more likely to refuse to see the issue.

 

@Sookie: it's not "just sex". It's perhaps a bit like marrying a gay man that's in the closet.

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... which is to say, don't screw the rest of your life trying to prove you don't "need" sex. It's awful to be where you are, but much worse after entangled with kids and such.

 

(Oh yeah. Don't get pregnant. Don't buy a house together. Don't do those things unless this is resolved.)

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If you take a step back you can simplify things.   If your partner doesn't want the sort of passionate sexual relationship that you want, then  you are a poor match. I doesn't matter if they are gay, asexual or simply not attracted.    You have to decide how important sex is to *you*, something no one else can answer, then decide if you can be happy in a relationship with the sex you have now - or less.  

 

Usually a couple's sex life is most active early on, its unusual for things to get more frequent / exciting as time goes on. 

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6 hours ago, Sookie said:

We might have to try therapy in the future if he was up for it. For now, we have decided to put it down to inexperience and look at rectifying that in the future (because I know pressure to perform certainly won't make things any better). I don't think he'll ever have the same sex-drive as me but I could cope if he just had lower (as opposed to no) libido. The rest of the relationship is good.

 

Therapy is not going to raise his libido or cause him to want to have sex, nor will more experience.  Therapy for you may help you decide if you can deal with a sexually-mismatched relationship.  

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+1 on @Sally. Therapy for us was about adapting to the situation.

 

Trying to change sexual attraction/desire with therapy is like trying to use therapy to make a gay person straight.

 

The medical term "lifelong HSDD" -- rather than "acquired" -- there isn't much evidence for being able to change sexual desire in a lifelong case. which is why asexuality advocates criticize this medicalization as being similar to the stigmatizing medicalization of homosexuality in decades past.

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4 hours ago, Sally said:

Therapy for you may help you decide if you can deal with a sexually-mismatched relationship.  

*nods*

 

This was why I suggested it as well.

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Thanks for all your replies.

 

I say experience because we are both so inexperienced, we haven't found which positions etc might be more pleasurable etc. I have to admit, if I didn't know from 'solo' experience that it could be better, I might not be so fussed about sex either! Although I'd still have some drive to keep trying.

 

I am committing only to a few more months to ensure I'm not throwing away a relationship that could be really good. Definitely would not commit to more given the current situation. I am glad that I didn't wait until marriage to lose my virginity.

 

I see people suggesting that therapy would only be for me to see if I could live with a mismatched relationship. I think I already know the answer to that.

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I never desired anything sexual until I was 30, not even masturbation. What triggered it for me was being attracted to my current spouse that way. "Experience", in my experience, doesn't help you want it. You either do or do not. I had nothing but bad sexual experiences, but when I met someone I desired, I wanted them in a sexual way.. it sucking with everyone else didnt matter. 

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On 2/3/2019 at 12:28 AM, xstatic said:

People aren't always that perceptive and sometimes need a nudge of guidance.

Yup! But when you have already pitched your need/desire for sex, asked for it, wept your eyes out, wrote letters, told it calmly, shared your fear for falling apart... then what? 

To most sexuals, sharing sexual intimacy on some level, is really important to their feeling of happiness. 

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26 minutes ago, Sookie said:

Thanks again for your replies.

 

This is no longer an issue as we've split up.

I hope you end up in a happier spot!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I must have told my ace DOZENS of times that sex was important to me and he still didn't get the magnitude of it till I kicked him out of my bedroom because I needed my space to be myself. Even when he got it, he didn't get it. In the sense of he understood it was important, but he STILL didn't understand how important. For example, during the time he was trying to make sure we had sex at least a couple of times a week (he doesn't mind sex - not averse, he just isn't interested like we are). He led me to expect we'd be having sex a couple of times a week or once every few days or such, but every night, he was tired. Work, this, that, too much going on... he didn't think it was a big deal enough that he could avoid getting too tired for sex on the nights he was planning to offer. Then he'd fall asleep in the middle of sex - KIDDING YOU NOT. Now you see why I told him to sleep in his own room 😛

 

This may sound extreme, but him falling asleep during sex was normal for our sex life. And I am talking of falling asleep with his penis inside me - to be clear. Not in a pause or foreplay etc. He had sex with me, because it was important to me, and he didn't get why I'd be upset to have him fall asleep - he was genuinely tired and I got at least some, right? WHAT??? You count arousing me and falling asleep as me getting some sex? He didn't understand my rage that this was a pattern. It never occured to him that he could avoid doing things he had energy for during the day, so that he wouldn't be too tired for sex at bed time.

 

I am just giving this example because it can be hard to understand how someone with no real interest in sex can dismiss sex even after understanding that it was important enough to offer once every few days. I don't know of any sexual who would need an explanation for why their partner was furious if they fell asleep during sex regularly.

 

It "only" took dozens of explanations, dozens of "aha" moments, only followed by new cluelessness, my frustration, depression, indifference, tears and rage before he understood.

 

So don't assume he understands how much you want sex and explain. Again, if needed. In different words, using different examples.

 

If you have to reach a workable situation, at the very least, he needs to understand that sex is important for you. And if he insists sex is trivial, then you can always invite him to not make a big deal of not having it 😛

 

Talk, talk, talk a lot.

 

Take your time, but don't do irreversible things till you sort it out.

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