RainingInTheGarden Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Ok so after awhile i have come to realize that i'm a trans boy, it was confusing and i'm still kind of confused but i'm working on it..I also came out to my mom! She didn't react well though, she doesn't use my pronouns or my new name because "its too much" so that has been messing me up :/ my therapist says now that i have come out to my mom that it might help me because i can just wear what i want to try and ease gender dysphoria but my mom says "No, you can do all if that stuff when you're older" or "you want something I don't want" there is a school dance coming up and i really wanted to wear a suit or something masculine, but my mom said no to a hair cut so she will probably say no to a suit. :( anyway i just wanted to know if anyone has any advice for a trans guy who can't pass? Sorry for venting too much Link to post Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 12 minutes ago, RainingInTheGarden said: my mom says "No, you can do all if that stuff when you're older" or "you want something I don't want" Yikes she needs to stop living vicariously through you. Sounds like my bio mother. First and foremost, are you safe? Depending on how unnaccepting she is, might be that you have to just squish your identity down until you can get away, that's what I had to do. But if you trust that she won't hurt you or kick you out, or if you've got someplace else to go, go for it. Cut that hair, wear that suit, it's not her decision - it's your body and you can present it how you want. If you want to talk my inbox is always open and I'll get back to you pretty quick. All the support in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 It's not your fault that your mother's confused. Give her some time to get her feelings in order. This is a big change for her, too. Link to post Share on other sites
SeeYa Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 On 2/3/2019 at 5:25 AM, RainingInTheGarden said: "No, you can do all if that stuff when you're older" or "you want something I don't want" That second one is... a sadly common story. Parents seem to think they are supposed control their kids instead of nurturing them. Depending on how strong your parents views are, you really might not be able to do something until later. It really sucks, but the reality is it's better to be safe and alive, there will be chances for change in the future. Of course even when you are older your parents may oppose you, but you just have to stand firm at that point. Good luck k?Feel free to message me if you need to talk. (Or another of our friendly AVENites) Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 I think the great majority of parents really want to make their children's lives better, but sometimes they don't know how, or just make the wrong decision. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 My parents have mostly ignored my name and pronouns and I'm nearly 40, sigh. But those are tough things to change, it's not necessarily a sign of full opposition... Clothing and stuff like a binder is totally reversible and safe. It's a way to explore what you're feeling in a responsible way without making an irreversible change. A haircut is slightly more permanent but it can grow out. I don't know but I think that framing might help your mom if she's worried you're being impulsive. Link to post Share on other sites
DC69 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 On 2/7/2019 at 7:54 PM, uhtred said: I think the great majority of parents really want to make their children's lives better, but sometimes they don't know how, or just make the wrong decision. I think that you are one hundred percent correct uhtred. Parents realize that life isn't easy and will be even harder for children who don't follow the norms set forth by society. Most every parent loves his or her children and makes most decisions based upon love. Link to post Share on other sites
DC69 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 On 2/2/2019 at 11:25 AM, RainingInTheGarden said: Ok so after awhile i have come to realize that i'm a trans boy, it was confusing and i'm still kind of confused but i'm working on it..I also came out to my mom! She didn't react well though, she doesn't use my pronouns or my new name because "its too much" so that has been messing me up 😕 my therapist says now that i have come out to my mom that it might help me because i can just wear what i want to try and ease gender dysphoria but my mom says "No, you can do all if that stuff when you're older" or "you want something I don't want" there is a school dance coming up and i really wanted to wear a suit or something masculine, but my mom said no to a hair cut so she will probably say no to a suit. anyway i just wanted to know if anyone has any advice for a trans guy who can't pass? Sorry for venting too much You're not venting at all sweetie. Your mom sounds like she loves you and is probably afraid of losing the daughter she loves. In addition she also knows how hard it can be getting through your teen years, even without something like being trans thrown into the mix. You mention that you are seeing a therapist and I was wondering if your mom goes with you sometimes, or visits the therapist on her own. If she doesn't...would she? It could be a big help for both of you. I was in your situation fifty years ago and my mother once told me, "You're a good looking boy, but you wouldn't make a good looking girl." LOL!! Maybe she was right about that but it didn't change my feelings about wanting to be a woman. She and my father loved me very much and I know that she wanted to protect me by telling me that and trying to encourage me to forget about my dream. Times have changed though and while the four or five years you'll have to wait until you are "older" and can make these decisions for yourself isn't all that long a time. (Although at your age it may seem like it is an eternity. ) My advice to you at the moment is first to get your mother talking with the therapist if she already isn't. There are also haircuts for women that are relatively short and androgynous, so maybe your mom would be okay with that? Your not wearing makeup is another thing she'd probably be okay with. I'm guessing that you're already wearing dull colored and loose fitting androgynous clothes but if not you should add them to your wardrobe. (Wearing brightly colored and tighter fitting men's clothing is how I began expressing my feminine identity.) There are a lot of women's shoes nowadays that look very similar to men's styles. The dance would be a little bit of a problem but even though it might not be the ideal, maybe a women's pantsuit would meet with your mom's approval? Once again it should be looser fitting and navy blue, black, or gray. Those are some ideas of mine how you can ease into things. Please keep us informed on how you are making out on your quest. Link to post Share on other sites
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