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Help understanding my girlfriend's gray-asexuality


Jay28

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Relationship background: My girlfriend (26F) and I (24NB, DFAB), both polyamorous, have been together 9 months, it started off with a lot of sexual attraction and desire on both sides, despite her identifying as gray-ace. When we got together we held off actually engaging in sexual activity initially due to needing to get STI tests (cheating exes, etc), by the time we were given the all clear, her disability had gotten to the stage where she was unable to engage in sexual activity due to pain, despite the attraction and desire being there.

 

Cutting to a couple of months ago, her disability is still affecting her, causing her pain in day to day life and she is unable to engage in sexual activity without pain, so we have stopped trying until she has been diagnosed and treated, or until she feels able to attempt sexual activity. She has pretty much moved in with me so that I can help her through her day to day life. She has also told me that she isn't experiencing sexual attraction or desire at all. Our relationship is a little strained due to spending so much time together and she's very frustrated with her disability.

 

Fast forward to now: We both have other relationships alongside our own, my sexual needs being met by my other partners for the most part. I'm still sexually attracted to my girlfriend, and very much desire sexual contact with her, but I was dealing with things fairly well, until she admitted a few weeks ago that she is sexually attracted to and acting on her sexual desire with her other partner, despite the fact she is in pain from doing so. 

 

I'm now feeling very used, and I feel paranoid that she has only kept our relationship going because I am filling the place of a carer. I'm watching her relationship with her other partner flourish, while ours seems to be failing, and when she returns to my place after visiting her other partner she's in additional pain from her sexual endeavours, which also means I'm having to do more to support her, which is difficult as it is because of my own disabilities. Basically I'm struggling to come to terms with the lack of sexual attraction and desire towards me, yet she's willing to hurt herself to engage in sexual activity with someone else, and in doing so has increased the strain on our relationship and home life.

 

It hurts, a lot, and I don't understand how this is even possible that she's experiencing the attraction and desire for someone else but not me? I've tried talking to her but she doesn't seem to have much to say, she just stares at the floor until I'm so frustrated with the lack of communication I'm nearly in tears. I hate getting upset over all of this because I don't want her to feel guilty if that's how sexual attraction and desire works for her, but I need help dealing with my feelings and she doesn't seem able to do that. I don't know anymore, I can't tell if I'm being used, or if it's just a glitch and the sexual attraction and desire on her side of things will come back when there's less strain on our relationship? Or should I be thinking about a future without any sexual attraction/desire from my girlfriend? 

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Um. She isn't sounding ace, but like someone that just isn't attracted to you. I'm fine with my partner having sex with others (haha right? but ok it actually did happen once) ... but I think I'd flip out if he did sexual stuff with others he won't do with me.

 

Yeah, it sounds like you're getting taken advantage of. Maybe it's not done consciously.

 

If it were someone ace, maaaaaybe it's worth sucking it up and living without being attractive to a partner, but this isn't even that? It sounds like bs to be honest.

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I would say the same. She doesn't sound asexual at all and she is using you as a carer. She might pretend to want/enjoy sex with you just so you can continue supporting her. From the way you described she has 0 sexual attraction towards you.

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So she isn’t gray, but has a physical issue causing pain right? 

 

Sadly the fact you ARE taking care of her like that may be why the ‘fire’ went out? You’re not the ‘fun’ partner, but the real one, while the other sounds basically like an escape? I don’t think she did it maliciously but...

 

I would say that you need to think about it hard, but it doesn’t sound like it’s in a healthy spot, and the issue I see is that as you each have other partners, it’s harder for you to focus on just your relationship... 

 

So in summary, She doesn’t sound gray, the fact you are caretaking probably makes your relationship less sexy even if you both don’t mean to, and it doesn’t sound like this would be able to heal without that changing...

 

Maybe ask what used to make you attractive to her that has changed? It sounds like there is a lot of stressors in your relationship, and if you’re picking that up, the other partner doesn’t have to and gets to just be the ‘fun’ one.

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3 hours ago, greynonomous said:

So she isn’t gray, but has a physical issue causing pain right? 

She identified as gray-ace before the physical issue came in (and still does), which is also why she was surprised that she had such an instant intense sexual attraction to me.

 
 
3 hours ago, greynonomous said:

Sadly the fact you ARE taking care of her like that may be why the ‘fire’ went out? You’re not the ‘fun’ partner, but the real one, while the other sounds basically like an escape? I don’t think she did it maliciously but...

That's has popped into my head but I dont know how to counter that? I can't just abandon her now? I love her to bits, and I want to help her however I can, and seeing how she struggles is killing me.. I just don't know how to put up boundaries or what boundaries are reasonable to protect myself from being hurt by all this?

 
3 hours ago, greynonomous said:

I would say that you need to think about it hard, but it doesn’t sound like it’s in a healthy spot, and the issue I see is that as you each have other partners, it’s harder for you to focus on just your relationship... 

Honestly, I don't think we would have lasted this long if there hadn't been other partners, I think I would have burnt out a lot sooner, at least I can go and let off steam with my other partners right now? If that makes sense?

3 hours ago, greynonomous said:

Maybe ask what used to make you attractive to her that has changed?

I have asked, and she hasn't been able to give me an answer. I know she used to say I was really cute, she loved my eyes and my smile.. I guess lately I've been feeling more stressed, and with my usual depressed episode that happens over Christmas, I probably haven't smiled much and I imagine she can see how worried I am all the time 😕

 
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How long has she been with the other partner?  Is it possible she’s able to “get into” sexual things with people while still in the throes of “new relationship energy” but then loses sexual interest as that NRE fades?

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27 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

How long has she been with the other partner?  Is it possible she’s able to “get into” sexual things with people while still in the throes of “new relationship energy” but then loses sexual interest as that NRE fades?

Around 6 weeks?

Hmm, maybe, I hadn't thought of that...🤔

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Stupid question, but are you male of female?

 

joking,

 

For me it looks like asexuality... but im not an expert, I base on knowledge from books

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23 hours ago, Jay28 said:

It hurts, a lot, and I don't understand how this is even possible that she's experiencing the attraction and desire for someone else but not me? I've tried talking to her but she doesn't seem to have much to say, she just stares at the floor until I'm so frustrated with the lack of communication I'm nearly in tears. I hate getting upset over all of this because I don't want her to feel guilty if that's how sexual attraction and desire works for her, but I need help dealing with my feelings and she doesn't seem able to do that. I don't know anymore, I can't tell if I'm being used, or if it's just a glitch and the sexual attraction and desire on her side of things will come back when there's less strain on our relationship? Or should I be thinking about a future without any sexual attraction/desire from my girlfriend? 

I'm gonna preface this by saying I am strictly monogamous, I simply do not understand polygamous relationships, but I recognize y'all are out there and make it work - if my response is at all invalidating, please know that's not my intention. =]

 

You're right to be hurt, in my opinion, for all of the reasons you're articulating here. It makes complete sense to be hurt, because she used to be physically into you, and while her disabilities are impeding your physical relationship with her, her physical relationship with someone else is more important than the pain it causes her. Yeah, that's shitty. And you're not entirely wrong in your assessment that you're stuck at home being her caretaker.

 

But from the opposite perspective - you're her person. You, she can rely on. She knows that she can come home and you'll be there. The silent, staring-at-the-ground thing - does she usually clam up during emotionally wrought situations? I know that's my initial response, and it isn't because I don't care or don't have anything to say, but rather because the stress of the moment prevents me from  being able to do so in a way that's reasonable. She ought to still open up to you, though - you deserve an explanation. I usually do so through a letter, or through conversation that I can have once I've calmed down a bit. If she has trouble with conversation, maybe she could write you a letter?

 

I think it's always worth opening a line of communication before calling it quits. You're right to feel put out about this, but try to give her a chance to explain, first. If her explanation isn't cutting muster or you still feel like you're getting the short end of the stick, then it might be time to consider a different future.

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Communication is great when both people are doing it. This situation still smells like rank bs to me.

 

Ace: not sexually attracted to anyone ever

Gray ace: attraction is erratic/rare/weird

BS ace: attracted to others, but not you

 

Poly does not mean: unable to keep it in your pants long enough to communicate and treat a primary partner with love and respect. Screwing someone else (at a detriment to one's own health, no less) while spurning a primary is so predictably hurtful. Sex is a choice, not a whoops.

 

Being poly also does not mean being a doormat.

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Hey, Jay28. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

As far as I understand, you are asking for advice to help you mentally cope with the situation. In that case, let me call attention to the following quotes (emphasis mine)

 

On 2/1/2019 at 4:01 AM, Jay28 said:

I'm now feeling very used, and I feel paranoid that she has only kept our relationship going because I am filling the place of a carer.

 

[...]

 

It hurts, a lot, and I don't understand how this is even possible that she's experiencing the attraction and desire for someone else but not me?

 

[...]

 

I hate getting upset over all of this because I don't want her to feel guilty if that's how sexual attraction and desire works for her

This is a very problematic line of thinking. And I don't mean to blame you for these thoughts, rather I think you are struggling with some societal norms that you've internalized. You are not being used. Sexual attraction can only be freely given, not expected or traded. Sexual attraction is also not necessarily connected to love, or loyalty, or your value as a partner. In fact, very often the opposite is the case.

 

What's very important is that she openly told you about what she's doing. This means she trusts you. Her trust in you is something that reflects your choices, your actions, and your loyalty toward her. It says a whole lot more about who you are as a person, about who you decide to be, than whether or not she's sexually attracted to you.

 

For that reason, it's also very important not to let her down. You said:

 

Quote

 I've tried talking to her but she doesn't seem to have much to say, she just stares at the floor until I'm so frustrated with the lack of communication I'm nearly in tears.

I can't speak for your partner, as I don't know her, but whenever this kind of communication breakdown occurred with my asexual partner, it was usually because I was focusing on my own needs entirely, rather than considering hers.

 

Quote

That's has popped into my head but I dont know how to counter that? I can't just abandon her now? I love her to bits, and I want to help her however I can, and seeing how she struggles is killing me.. I just don't know how to put up boundaries or what boundaries are reasonable to protect myself from being hurt by all this?

What you said here, that you can't just abandon her, is so very important. It means you care about her, and are willing to put her needs first if need be. I believe instead of worrying about whether or not you're being used, you should put those feelings into action.

 

To give you a pointer, this is just a bunch of questions that popped into my mind when I read your story:

1. Why is she engaging in this sexual activity that is painful for her? What needs is she meeting? What is she lacking without that?

2. How does she see you? What needs are you fulfilling for her? What does she want from you?

3. Why did she tell you honestly about what's going on? What did she hope to accomplish?

 

Maybe it would help to talk to her about questions like these. If she feels that her needs are being considered, she may be more open to talk to you, and to consider your own needs in turn. It will also be easier for you to give her care, if she can openly talk to you about these sexual encounters and why she's doing it, instead of having to avoid the topic in order to not hurt you or get into an uncomfortable discussion.

 

 

Quote

but I need help dealing with my feelings and she doesn't seem able to do that

Your partner may in time change and help you with this better, but this can't be rushed. In my opinion, the whole span of your relationship, 9 months, is not very significant in terms of a serious relationship. It may take much longer than that, quite possibly several years, for the two of you to properly get to know each other, learn to trust each other, and be able to be there for each other.

 

In the meantime, it's really important that you have a way of dealing with those feelings. I hope you have some real life friends who can help you with this. Having someone to take the time and patience to listen to you and relate to your feelings can make all the difference.

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