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Is I is ? or is I aint?


JohnnyDeville

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JohnnyDeville

Excuse the grammar I thought it was cute and would draw attention

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I am a middle age male and for the last 15 years I've had no interest in sexual intercourse. This seems like it should be a real problem. I say "seems" because my wife of 20 years has never voiced any complaints and seems fine with no sex. For some reason I find it hard to believe that she is OK with it. She tells me not to worry about it and that She loves me no matter what. I know She is genuinely sincere as we are truly soul mates and I could not go on without her.

The bottom line is that it's I who feels guilty for not being a sexual partner for Her.

I have been checked by several doctors and have even taken testosterone injections. I've gone so far as to try to develop an interest in pornography. Even then I can't muster up an erection. I've thought of seeking out a prostitute to see if it was my wife I had lost sexual interest in and maybe a little "strange" would give me a lift so to speak. I told my wife that I would still love her, even if she had an affair.

I could never talk to anyone about this because I feel like less of a man about this.

The sad part is that I used to be obsessed with the sexual act. Sex played a large part in our marriage and we both enjoyed it immensely and couldn't get enough of each other.

I'm not that man anymore and the love of my life is paying the price. I need to feel better about this situation or it will eat me alive.

Is this just the way it is and can our marriage survive or am I doomed to live a guilt trip that I have created for myself.

Good advice would be appreciated.

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Hallucigenia

What is it that makes you feel guilty about your lack of sexual interest? Is your wife sending you subtle signals of dissatisfaction even as she assures you that everything's okay? Or are you simply ashamed that you don't conform to the standard media's picture of virility and a "healthy" marriage?

If the former, then your situation is a bit tricky, but your wife sounds very understanding and I would advise you not to give up. It may help to lavish attention on her in other ways - cuddles, long talks, exciting excursions, whatever you both enjoy. There are many asexuals here who are in relationships with sexuals, and while few of them are having an easy time of it, your marriage sounds easier than most in this regard, and a lot can be done when a couple is genuinely devoted to each other, even when their sex drives don't match.

If the latter, then I advise you not to worry - you'd be surprised how many people are okay without sex. It may help you with your self-esteem to hang out on AVEN for a while; there's lots of people here who are leading healthy and contented lives with no sex.

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I think "is I is or is I ain't" is the wrong question in this case. We could debate various signs about whether or not you're asexual (almost all asexuals were never interested in sex to start with, and most asexual males have little trouble achieving erections), but I don't think that's the issue here. The issue is that, for whatever reason, you're in the same situation an asexual male would be in.

Hallucigenia gave a good analysis, and there's only a few things I'd add. First, wife asside, are you happy with how you are now? Do you, personally, mind not being interrested in it? If you do, and hormonal therapy didn't help, then that's the first step. Plenty of guys, both asexual and not, are in situations like yours, and there's nothing wrong with it. Sex is not the be-all and end-all of human existance.

Second, if it's important to you to satisfy your wife, be creative! Not to be too explicit, there are ways to please a woman besides thumpin' away at her. Cultivate other talents (I'm sure you can think of some), and it won't be an issue to her if your flag stays at half mast.

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on the grammar note I ain't can be used but only for "I am not."

Why don't you talk to her? Why is it that you doubt her being okay with not having sex - is there something in the way she acts?

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crazyjerseygirl

your wife sounds like a lovely ladie, if you are the sort to go to couples councelling i would suggest it, even if it only helps with the feelings of uselessness that you have. It may be that over the years your wife has lost interest in sex as well. This is a bit easier for ladies to accept (i think) because society does not equate our feminism with our sex drive.

All in all i would strongly suggest seekinig out a therepist of sorts, because if there truly is nothing wrong then your obsession over your lack of sex drive may in time drive your wife a bit batty.

Best of luck and welcome to AVEN

:cake: if none has already come your way.

TTFN

Renee'

Grammar Point: "Is I is or is I ain't" may not be an attempt at sweetly-poor grammar. He may be imitating an old Louis Jordan song "Is you is or is you ain't my baby" made famous on an old Tom and Jerry cartoon from the 40's called Solid Serenade

http://www.theguitarguy.com/isyouis.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solid_Serenade

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Grammar Point: "Is I is or is I ain't" may not be an attempt at sweetly-poor grammar. He may be imitating an old Louis Jordan song "Is you is or is you ain't my baby" made famous on an old Tom and Jerry cartoon from the 40's called Solid Serenade

http://www.theguitarguy.com/isyouis.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solid_Serenade

It may also be a Pogo reference; I can't site specific examples, but Pogo often used similar grammar constructs. JohnnyDeville, any word on inspiration?

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Quote: almost all asexuals were never interested in sex to start with... This is true. It's like you go through those teenage years seeing all your friends go insane and you remain rational... you're in the schoolyard with friends talking about how much you all hate Sister because she assigns homework to do on vacation... then the scruffy kid the Head Nun in Charge hired to mop the floors shuffles by... "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh myyyyyy God! He is sooooo cute!" And you say, "Yeah? So?"

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Maybe your wife sees herself as the luckiest woman alive! I know I would. A lot of middle aged women just aren't that interested in sex. You could ask her if she thinks she's missing something.

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I read once where an old man went out & got a prescription for viagra. He came home excited, "look, sweetie buns, see what I got?" The wife moved out.

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bard of aven
on the grammar note I ain't can be used but only for "I am not."

"I ain't," yes, but not "aint." See www.m-w.com, usage note s.v. ain't, for numerous examples outside of the first person singular.

Is she is or is she ain't your baby? Sounds to me like she is. As to is you is or is you ain't, it seems to me that you are stressing over the fact that neither of you are stressing over the fact. If you are both OK with the status quo, let the stress go.

And remember, free advice is frequently worth what you pay for it.

boa

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