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I married and love an asexual. How do I communicate my needs without making him feel bad?


ElvishDame

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Question from a pansexual: Me and my husband are very communicative and love each other very much. I accept and respect his asexuality, and we communicate needs and compromise when we can.
 

He is also very loving and respects my needs, but recently it's just... been a while. I asked him the other day, not pressuring, just asked and said a cheerful "okay" when he didn't want to. But he immediately felt guilty, which I don't want. I don't want him to ever think his ace-ness is something 'wrong' or 'inadequate'; I love him very much, and I know he loves me. I tell him I love him and there's nothing wrong with him often. He does enjoy cuddling a lot and we're very physically affectionate but it just doesn't extend to sex itself for him, which is fine, I just need some of that sweet, sweet compromise on my end too sometimes, yeah? I just. Don't know how to bring it up without immediately making him feel bad or insecure.
 

TLDR: How do I communicate my own needs without making him feel bad about himself?
 

(Figured I'd ask the awesome ace community since y'all have better insight than me.)

(Also he isn't sex-repulsed, to give some context.)

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Its really really difficult. Sex is just so different for sexuals and asexuals that things are always akward.  What is for you a natural loving romantic activity that makes you feel close, for him is likely just a sort of chore - maybe not repulsive, but desirable in any way. 

 

It is rare for mixed relationships to be happy for both. 

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11 minutes ago, ElvishDame said:

Question from a pansexual: Me and my husband are very communicative and love each other very much. I accept and respect his asexuality, and we communicate needs and compromise when we can.
 

He is also very loving and respects my needs, but recently it's just... been a while. I asked him the other day, not pressuring, just asked and said a cheerful "okay" when he didn't want to. But he immediately felt guilty, which I don't want. I don't want him to ever think his ace-ness is something 'wrong' or 'inadequate'; I love him very much, and I know he loves me. I tell him I love him and there's nothing wrong with him often. He does enjoy cuddling a lot and we're very physically affectionate but it just doesn't extend to sex itself for him, which is fine, I just need some of that sweet, sweet compromise on my end too sometimes, yeah? I just. Don't know how to bring it up without immediately making him feel bad or insecure.
 

TLDR: How do I communicate my own needs without making him feel bad about himself?
 

(Figured I'd ask the awesome ace community since y'all have better insight than me.)

(Also he isn't sex-repulsed, to give some context.)

I don't know if I can be of much help since I myself wouldn't be open too compromising on the subject of sex.

 

It's awesome that you want to help out a lot and are very open and communicative with your partner. Perhaps making it clear that you enjoy having sex with him but don't want to put any pressure on him to do so might help, and maybe just let him know that if and when he ever wants to have sex, to let you know, that way he doesn't have to feel pressured to say yes or feel guilty when he says no. If he doesn't want to have sex at any point in time though, I don't really know what to tell you.

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Custard Cream

I'm a married Asexual.  For me, not being sex repulsed doesn't mean I actually want it, and personally I get bored really quickly, so anything time consuming is offputting.  But we're all different, and marriage is about compromise, and you clearly care a great deal, so Iam sure you will find a solution.  

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Thanks so much for replying, y'all. I super appreciate it. 

Yeah basically I'm not trying to get him to like sex, that's just a thing that may or may not happen and that's okay. I'm not requiring sex from him, I just want to talk about it. My problem is wondering how to communicate without making him feel bad. 

Basically, he cares about me and so feels guilty when he thinks he is not meeting my needs. I have assured him this is okay, he doesn't have to, and he shouldn't feel guilty, I just. Want to know how to communicate that better. 

Thanks, QuirkyGeek, by the way. I think that's on the right track for us. 

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry, I can't be as much help as the others, as in my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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❤️❤️ 

Thank you for that cake. It made me smile.

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11 minutes ago, ElvishDame said:

Yeah basically I'm not trying to get him to like sex, that's just a thing that may or may not happen and that's okay. I'm not requiring sex from him, I just want to talk about it. My problem is wondering how to communicate without making him feel bad. 

I don’t think you can. If he feels insecure about his asexuality or about being a good partner while being asexual, his first reaction will be feeling guilty and hurt. Furthermore, the more you smile and pretend everything is perfect, the more bad things he’s gonna imagine behind that fake-ish smile and “Okay”.

What you can do, though, is to be with him while it hurts. And help him through it – like through any other pain, be it emotional or physical. You can be honest and report a problem in your relationships – that your needs aren’t being met – and suggest that the two of you look for a solution together.

It’s not easy, navigating a mixed-sexuality relationship. And it requires a bit more than tons of successful communication. In many ways, both partners need to be amateur psychologists to handle it, so you might want to start reading up on psychology of couples’ communications.

Best of luck.

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I hear you saying it's OK if he  doesn't want sex, but I  also hear you saying "It's been a while".  The trouble is, it's always going to be "a while."  You want sex, he doesn't.  That difference is always going to be there, and it may become more troublesome as time goes on.  The fact that both of you love and respect each other won't make it go away.  It's best if you both recognize that.  It's understandable  that you want to talk  about it,but unless you recognize that he is going to feel guilty because it is a fact that he is disappointing you because you want at least semi-regular sex, and he doesn't, that talk will not work out well.  What could work is that you frankly and honestly tell him that you would like -- perhaps -- a schedule for sex.  Whether he can deal with that will be something for you to take seriously.  Love does not conquer all relationship problems.   

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His need not to have sex is as valid as your need to be sexual. I don't think communication is the problem.

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6 minutes ago, Sally said:

I hear you saying it's OK if he  doesn't want sex, but I  also hear you saying "It's been a while".  The trouble is, it's always going to be "a while."  You want sex, he doesn't.  That difference is always going to be there, and it may become more troublesome as time goes on.  The fact that both of you love and respect each other won't make it go away.  It's best if you both recognize that.  It's understandable  that you want to talk  about it,but unless you recognize that he is going to feel guilty because it is a fact that he is disappointing you because you want at least semi-regular sex, and he doesn't, that talk will not work out well.  What could work is that you frankly and honestly tell him that you would like -- perhaps -- a schedule for sex.  Whether he can deal with that will be something for you to take seriously.  Love does not conquer all relationship problems.   

That's... a really good point.

Okay, so... basically we just need to get over the hurdle that talking about it will hurt some for both of us, and figure out solutions like a schedule or other options. 

 

2 minutes ago, JDP said:

His need not to have sex is as valid as your need to be sexual. I don't think communication is the problem.

Yep I agree. It's an incompatibility. We both love each other enough to want to make it work, and have so far the last few years, I just need advice from time to time. 

Honestly you guys are the best, thanks so much.

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Don't assume that you are trying to find "solutions".  Compromises are not  solutions; they are attempts to make a difficult situation not quite so difficult.   You want a solution which will mean that there will be sex; that isn't necessarily the solution he wants.  

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I mean... yes? Agreed?

I'm pretty optimistic we'll figure something out. 

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I guess my advice would be to talk about it when you can tell that both of you are in one if those comfortable 'tell each other everything' moments, and also when you yourself aren't desiring sex.  Because if you are at the time of the conversation, they will probably know and it might create a wall due to pressure or anxiety (or guilt).

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@ElvishDame my partner's ace, we've got a rhythm to it now. Ball's always in my court, I don't expect him to initiate. (I kind of assumed that was a "given"?? but other mixed couples work differently!)

If I don't ask, I start getting moody and sad ... and that ends up making us both unhappy, so... I've also learned that it's better for both of us if I don't try to self-sacrifice too much. (When our rhythm gets off and I'm moody and unhappy, eventually he does notice, but I consider it my fault it got that far.)

Our pattern is that the "asking" is never (intended to be) for immediate sex, but rather "can we do this sometime in the near future". (I have sometimes gotten lucky with a near-immediate yes. Minimizing pressure is important for us.) The "ask" is there to start a discussion, recognizing the factors which make it more or less difficult for him, e.g. "maybe Saturday or Sunday, if (you're/I'm) able to catch up on sleep?" or "maybe later this week, after (your/my) stressful work meeting". Because it is a chore for him, but a minor one (he compares it to laundry), and we both want to time it to be easier on him. (Note: I also have to ask again during the windows proposed!)

We don't try for a firm schedule, but definitely an expectation. It means he can say "yes" to the plan, and not to an immediate thing -- a plan that's definite enough that we can observe if he doesn't keep it, but flexible enough that he can change his mind. I also try to minimize pressure by understanding the times that it's almost always bad (e.g. just before bed, because he's tired).

Like others here have written, learn about each other, learn about yourselves. (Which sometimes means introspection in addition to communication.) If you learn what makes sex really "count" for you (so you're happy and that lasts longer), your partner might be able to do those things. And if they learn what makes sex less of a chore for themselves, you can do those things. As a compromise, you both have some "cost", but you can seek to minimize those. Neither of you should be saying "okay" when you're not.

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Thank you guys so much; it really helps to get some insight.

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14 hours ago, ElvishDame said:

But he immediately felt guilty, which I don't want.

I get that! How guilty does he feel when he rejects you for significant periods of time? 

 

13 hours ago, JDP said:

His need not to have sex is as valid as your need to be sexual. I don't think communication is the problem.

I agree! So what is his solution? The OP’s is to try not to pressure for unwanted sex. What does he bring to the table other than yet another “I don’t want to tonight” rejection?

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12 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

If it's as simple as it slipping his mind, he can put a reminder on his phone, or a post-it inside his sock draw, or wrap a condom round his toothbrush, to jog his memory.

Or get a tattoo on his hand that reads “I got married, I have a wife”

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1 hour ago, James121 said:

yet another “I don’t want to tonight” rejection?

 

1 hour ago, James121 said:

Or get a tattoo on his hand that reads “I got married, I have a wife"

As I described, I don't think it's super complicated to improve on these.

 

Get a proposal for a future time.

 

Then ask again at that time.

 

If it's still a no, understand why. If it's something to anticipate in the future, use that knowledge to adjust future planning discussions. (eg "you're proposing time X but I think maybe It's a bad idea because...")

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