My mind doesnt want sex but my body does

[Morty DC137]

About me: I'm 19 female/woman. I'm bisexual but demisexual towards only guys. I have only had one romantic and sexual partner who I'm currently with. We have been together for 3 years. He is a male. 

 

I have a disconection between my mind and my vagina when it comes to being horny. I can feel both mentally and physically horny however its rare but when it does happen I love being sexual and  have no issue with it.

 

Most the time though I feel disinterested in sex. I often find myself trying to get out of sex or only doing for my parters sake however this can feel like a chore (i know this is quite selfish to not do a simple hand job but i find it quite a effort). 

I can try to pretend I like sex and get myself somewhat in the mood. Sometimes I wonder if I ever like sex or im just fooling myself with acting. 

 

As for masterbation, I can go without it for months without ever thinking about sex but then sometimes i could do it 3 times a week. Oftem when i do its too help me sleep. Sometimes i do get into it and think about my partner or girls. I dont like porn as it turns me off. 

 

Sometimes i love sex. Most the time I dont care for sex. Sometimes sex is effort. Sometimes sex repluses me.

 

Is it possible that im lacking in a hormone which tells the brain to be horny? 

[Sweet Potato]

Likely not a hormone thing.
when your body is turned on but your mind is not interested it's called arousal nonconcordance, Everyone can experience it. 
Since you find sex to be a chore most of the time, you should have a conversation about with your partner about what you are and are not comfortable with, and see what arrangement or compromise you can come up with so you are both happy. It is not selfish to not want sex, you do not owe him sex. he is not entitled to your body. You also do not have to like sex or pretend to like it. As you have probably realized, constantly faking it is mentally exhausting. 
 

[Karst]

It's no more unusual or unnatural for your body to be turned on while your mind is disinterested than it is for your body to be tired while your mind is awake and alert.  The mind's and the body's desires aren't always concordant.

[Morty DC137]

1 hour ago, Sweet Potato said:

arousal nonconcordance

I looked up more about this however the arousal isn't unwanted. I get physically aroused around my boyfriend. The thing thats unwanted is my mental inability to be aroused. My mind doesnt want sex but i wish I did want it. I want to become mentally attracted to having sex. 

[Sweet Potato]

26 minutes ago, Morty DC137 said:

I looked up more about this however the arousal isn't unwanted. I get physically aroused around my boyfriend. The thing thats unwanted is my mental inability to be aroused. My mind doesnt want sex but i wish I did want it. I want to become mentally attracted to having sex. 

if it is causing you distress this is something to talk to a therapist about.

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions'.
 
MichaelTannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know enough about arousal to offer advice, but I don't think hormones are the problem.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[Cheshire-Cat]

I kind of get what you mean. 99.9% I'm not the slightest bit interested in sex or romance. However, once in a blue moon I am. The problem I have is it's like my hormones take over but my mind finds the whole experience confusing, and rather boring. I'm always disappointed about the sexual part at the end, and I'd far rather just kiss and cuddle someone which I find much more enjoyable.

 

I'm not sure it's lacking a hormone so much, maybe just our brains are wired a little different so we don't react in the same way.

[Sarah123]

This is exactly how I feel, but only regarding myself. I can become mentally aroused very easily regarding my wife, even if I'm not physically. I love making her feel good and taking care of her needs, but as soon as she starts to touch me my mind turns off even if my body is on. I try to push through it and convince myself it's what I want since my body is clearly into it, but half the time we have to stop because I just can't get over the mental hurdle and if I try too hard to push through the hurdle I just end up crying or having a panic attack. It's so frustrating, (emotionally and sexually). 

[Snow in the background]

On 1/31/2019 at 12:27 AM, Cheshire-Cat said:

I'm not sure it's lacking a hormone so much, maybe just our brains are wired a little different so we don't react in the same way.

This is something I really, really want to know about. Has someone ever read any scientific investigation of this?

[andreas1033]

For op, your body is producing sexual energies, but your brain is not producing the drive you need, to want to do it.

 

Sexual energy and sex drive are two different things.

 

Asexual males for example, still have testicles. This will still produce sexual energies. But your testicles in an asexual male are not joined to your brain, as what happens in sexual males.

 

Sex drive in males, is a link between your testicles, and your brain. In asexual males, this link is not really there, or not at all. But your testicles are still producing sexual energies. But your brain is not linked to your testicles, to produce the sex drive, like normal sexual males.

 

This is why asexual males, can masturbate. There testicles are still producing sexual energy, but these testicles are not correctly linked with your brain, to produce sex drive.

 

This is why a male asexual will still be producing sexual energies, but not have the sex drive in his brain. So there is a disconnect, between having sexual energy and having no sex drive in asexuals.

 

I have no idea how females are asexual, but one would assume, something like what i described here, also happens in females whom are asexual. If you read here, how i describe how males who are asexuals are, you can assume, being asexual and female, must of also failed to create a link, that is normal in sexual females, compared to asexual females. But like i said before i have no idea about female biology, so only really female asexuals could answer, what they believe did not happen for them in puberty.

[cutiepastels]

On 2/19/2019 at 9:26 PM, Sandra B said:

You are not alone. I know there are people who like to be touched, but not do the touching and vice versa, it's actually 'a thing', and perfectly valid. I like to kiss, suck and touch a guys top half in a relationship, but not bottom half, however, with me I am the opposite way around, and don't want him to touch my breasts but other part is okay, if I trust the guy enough to let him do that to me in the first place and he does it is a way that is nice. 

 

I watched a video on it about new terms for such things. From what I remember, some people are 'paper' - like to do the touching but not be touched, others are a rock - like to be touched but not do the touching! I also did a video about masturbation - reciprocated and non-reciprocated. 

 

 

paper and rock? interesting way to describe it. Never knew there were some people who liked to be touched but not do the touching and vice versa

[Gamma/kimera]

Really depends on what you mean by physical desire.  There are asexual people with libidos for example.  However the triggers for it aren't based off our attraction to others.  

[JessPlaysChess]

On 1/29/2019 at 10:33 PM, Morty DC137 said:

(i know this is quite selfish to not do a simple hand job but i find it quite a effort)

I would not call that selfish at all really! You can't force yourself to sexual activities. My ex (and even some strangers who started flirting with me and then received my explanation of me being ace) used to call me "selfish" for not wanting to sleep with him or anything along those lines - I highly disagree. If it feels wrong, it's not selfish, it's the only right and healthy thing not to do it. Don't let it be blames on you, he's gotta accept things as they are.