Sexless Nights

[Traveler40]

Sexless Thursday #2,392 - sigh

 

Kid’s needs met ✅ 

Husband’s needs met ✅

Emails answered  ✅

Nightly reading ✅

checked AVEN (*crickets*) ✅

SSS (Solo Sexless Sleep) - coming right up

 

To those who’d prefer to be having sex: Does the minutiae ever drown out the the noise of need?  If so, what does it for you?

 

(For me it’s the promise of another night in my lover’s arms.  Yesterday feels like a lifetime ago....)

[uhtred]

For me, nothing substitutes for sex.   Other things can be great, but they don't replace it. 

 

What fixes it:  nothing. 

[Traveler40]

I’m super shocked to hear that from you Uhtred. I’m sorry too. I hear you though.

 

In any case, I’m glad you find joy in other things.  The journey is what life is all about, so make it as great as you can.

[Peachyy]

Oh, shit. 2,392? 

[Traveler40]

I sure wish it were divisible, but that’s what it amounts to, yep.  It’s a fairly damn accurate estimate too. Thankfully, other days of the week aren’t so toxic a tally. ;-)

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Thread title sounds like a great name for a film or a song....😄

[uhtred]

5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

They're worse if you're actually in the same bed or house as the person you're specifically not having sex with.

 

I'm living alone now, and it's way, way better, in part because I'm also dating, though (almost) no sex. Yet.

Same bed is really tough!.   We moved to separate bedrooms long ago and that helps. 

[anisotrophic]

As we've been compromising, I think my normal answer would have been: "plotting my next nookie".

(That is: thinking about when I might ask, good timing to try, how to reduce his stress so he can get into the mood for it... that sort of thing.)

But with various issues related to having the kid that's gotten a bit confused. It's had an effect on my sex drive/ability. And there's no good timing: he's only able to do it if not stressed/tired... good luck finding that now with a new baby. So... for the last couple months, it's made me question whether I should still want or need intimacy with him. I feel guilty for "using" him.

Who am I kidding? Hah. We share a bed. I'm attracted to him, this is how I experience my love. He notices.

So before dawn this morning, he felt more rested (I took all the baby shifts)... and he offered! He knew that I had been failing to ask (partly because he was so tired). So I'm feeling really happy today. I'm still confused/uncertain about how I'm going to feel about "plotting nookie" in the future, but we're always working on it together, so... it's good.

[NickJ]

On 1/25/2019 at 6:27 AM, Traveler40 said:

Sexless Thursday #2,392 - sigh

 

Kid’s needs met ✅ 

Husband’s needs met ✅

Emails answered  ✅

Nightly reading ✅

checked AVEN (*crickets*) ✅

SSS (Solo Sexless Sleep) - coming right up

 

To those who’d prefer to be having sex: Does the minutiae ever drown out the the noise of need?  If so, what does it for you?

 

(For me it’s the promise of another night in my lover’s arms.  Yesterday feels like a lifetime ago....)

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Depends on the minutiae in question, how tired I am, and so on.

 

I guess there are no perfect solutions.

[SCPDX]

Minutiae make things worse for me. Dishes/cleaning the kitchen, folding clothes, cleaning the bathroom, yard work...none of these occupy my brain enough that my thoughts don’t rapidly drift to how badly my marriage sucks. 

 

Thank my favorite deity of the moment for podcasts. Without them and my bike commute (which also massively occupies my brain) I’d be deep into Type II diabetes and probably facing under 10 years to live right now. 

 

Oh yeah, and my job occupies my brain too. 

 

By the way, we’ve gone from sexless to affectionless in the last few months with all communication of this new aversion delivered via clear but nonverbal rejection  (I’ve had forearms thrown at me). 

 

Maybe more on that later. 

[Traveler40]

6 hours ago, NickJ said:

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Depends on the minutiae in question, how tired I am, and so on.

 

I guess there are no perfect solutions. 

Same here.  Yes.

 

Last Thursday was particularly monotonous and lonely in the void.  Clearly I was quite bored as evidenced by this thread. Haha Sometimes it’s complicated to wait for that which I crave. In any case, this Thursday is so much better as I’m looking forward to tomorrow...😁

[Traveler40]

8 hours ago, SCPDX said:

By the way, we’ve gone from sexless to affectionless in the last few months with all communication of this new aversion delivered via clear but nonverbal rejection  (I’ve had forearms thrown at me). 

Wow SCPDX, I’m sorry to hear this.  Frankly, it sounds like borderline abuse.  I’m not sure how you work with this if she’s neither willing to communicate effectively nor kindly.  You’ve indicated that you’d done the math and separation would be equally miserable, but taking stock and reevaluating that stance once in awhile may be beneficial.

 

 

[cupid69]

On 1/26/2019 at 12:34 AM, uhtred said:

For me, nothing substitutes for sex.   Other things can be great, but they don't replace it. 

 

What fixes it:  nothing. 

Sex is alright but there's nothing like the real thing!😜

[cupid69]

12 hours ago, SCPDX said:

Minutiae make things worse for me. Dishes/cleaning the kitchen, folding clothes, cleaning the bathroom, yard work...none of these occupy my brain enough that my thoughts don’t rapidly drift to how badly my marriage sucks. 

 

Thank my favorite deity of the moment for podcasts. Without them and my bike commute (which also massively occupies my brain) I’d be deep into Type II diabetes and probably facing under 10 years to live right now. 

 

Oh yeah, and my job occupies my brain too. 

 

By the way, we’ve gone from sexless to affectionless in the last few months with all communication of this new aversion delivered via clear but nonverbal rejection  (I’ve had forearms thrown at me). 

 

Maybe more on that later. 

Time to move on?

[SCPDX]

9 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Wow SCPDX, I’m sorry to hear this.  Frankly, it sounds like borderline abuse.  I’m not sure how you work with this if she’s neither willing to communicate effectively nor kindly.  You’ve indicated that you’d done the math and separation would be equally miserable, but taking stock and reevaluating that stance once in awhile may be beneficial.

 

 

Rereading that, I was being overly dramatic. My wife has never been anywhere near physically abusive to me in any way. But I can see where you would read that and thank you for the support. 

 

The ‘throwing forearms’ incident happened when she physically fended me off while I was trying to hug and kiss her and were her way of communicating that I wasn’t respecting her boundaries. 

 

Why I’m upset is that the boundaries are moving rapidly - it was not clear that what I did was now a problem. And that it’s communicated by physically pushing me away? We’ve been together 18 years, have raised a family together, and I’ve given her the sexless marriage she wants. If I’m owed anything, it’s being told verbally that she doesn’t want that physical affection at that time. 

 

So, I respect her current boundaries. I let her initiate all contact except for when I really need a hug. That’s about once a week. Yes I have coworkers (even straight male coworkers) who are more affectionate with me. 

 

I deal with it because while our marriage is dead, we do a great job running this family.

 

 

[anisotrophic]

  I'm not sure but I think the meaning was intended as emotionally abusive, @SCPDX

 

My partner and I are both pretty physically affectionate, but when we're upset with each other, we have a mismatch... it causes him to want contact, and me to push contact away. It's only during an argument, though.

 

Which is to say, being pushed away -- or pushing someone away -- when they're trying to be physically affectionate ... it seems to me like that's an emotional thing. I can only imagine that it would hurt to be pushed away without any explanation or understanding on why it's happening. And to never be faced with explanation, just accepting it as a "new normal"?

 

I agree with @Traveler40 that you might want to take stock and re-evaluate. As @Telecaster68 says, partners owe each other communication, ideally with empathy and respect.

[Human0id]

Cool idea OP, I respect that. But when only one day make such a difference for you, how it is with more days of absence?

[Traveler40]

As most things in life tend to be, it’s complicated. To answer your question though, it was a combination of the following:

 

1. Timing - It was the day after seeing my lover, and we would be apart for a week.

2. Perspective - My life is fractured in a way.

3. Ache - I need and desire that which I receive from my lover (emotionally and physically).  It’s part of the relationship as opposed to being withheld.

4. Sense - I’m stuck no matter which way I turn.

 

Yes, it’s certainly more complicated than simply seeing it as “one day”.

 

Edit:  I went back and read your question then realized I answered it at a slant.  You should get the gist even though I didn’t tackle it directly.  

[Traveler40]

Last night was more positive as I’m looking to see my lover today.  I am almost bursting with excitement as I type.  The promise of a lovely Friday is invigorating which is a totally different perspective...

[anisotrophic]

hah! I usually feel better after I score, and increasingly moody the days preceding.

Before: dejected/paralyzed with experiencing desire I try to refrain from acting on, uncertainty about asking.

After: affirmed/loved and reassured that everything is okay.

 

I guess it's a product of the sex being part of a compromise with my partner, and not a lover! Maybe someday... for now I'll stick to envying others a bit.

[Traveler40]

It was IN FACT Professor Plum, in the study with the ROPE! 🙌🏻

 

Filling evenings with other fun - priceless.

[Xstatic]

On 2/1/2019 at 2:40 PM, Traveler40 said:

Last night was more positive as I’m looking to see my lover today.  I am almost bursting with excitement as I type.  The promise of a lovely Friday is invigorating which is a totally different perspective...

Oh man, I feel this.  I get SO crazy excited when I know I'm gonna see my s/o.  It's stupid taboo to date your boss, but God damn it makes the work week SO appealing.  

[Human0id]

On 2/1/2019 at 9:38 PM, Traveler40 said:

As most things in life tend to be, it’s complicated. To answer your question though, it was a combination of the following:

 

1. Timing - It was the day after seeing my lover, and we would be apart for a week.

2. Perspective - My life is fractured in a way

3. Ache - Need and desire for that which I receive from my lover (emotional and physical) any time we are together.  It’s part of the relationship as opposed to being withheld.

4. Sense - I’m stuck no matter which way I turn.

 

Yes, it’s certainly more complicated that simply seeing it as “one day”.

 

Edit:  I went back and read your question then realized I answered it at a slant.  You should get the gist even though I didn’t tackle it directly.  

 

 

perfectly punctuated

[Traveler40]

24 minutes ago, Human0id said:

perfectly punctuated 

Thancks I faled grammer 101

[anamikanon]

Yesterday I had an intriguing conversation with the oh-so-happy-to-talk-about-sex asexual husband. We were discussing my disinterest in sex with him over time. He thinks it may be linked to me being sapiosexual. As in, the loss of interest is probably because the desire is not reciprocated, but the lack of frustration (which is new) is probably because I've been extremely engrossed in other creative pursuits, and the "flow state" probably creates a similar satisfied response to my mind in addition to the extreme focus that probably also tunes out sexual arousal. I can tend to tune out the world completely to the point I don't hear what people say to me when engrossed. He thinks I also tune out sexual need and since the creative process is immensely satisfying, I sort of fool my brain into recognizing that it has had a very pleasurable experience on a daily basis.

 

He compared it with some people choosing celibacy as a part of their creative or spiritual process, except done unconsciously, since there wasn't much scope for satisfying sex anyway, and the creative process was going well. A sort of reverse sapiosexual behavior, where instead of intelligence being a sexual stimulus, it replaced sexual satisfaction.

 

Hard to say how true it is, and I'm also intrigued and trying to observe myself, but that seemed interesting.

 

That said, I've been highly creative all my life and prone to hyperfocus when immersed in something interesting AND I've always been a happy sexual till him. So it may be a new adaptation. Or it may simply be the creative process being pleasurable as usual and a lack of sexual stimulus or interest causing no frustration and there is no connection between the two.

[ryn2]

55 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I sort of fool my brain into recognizing that it has had a very pleasurable experience on a daily basis.

I’m not sure I’d call this “fooling” - if you love that type of intellectual stimulation your brain *is* having a very pleasurable experience on a daily basis.

[anamikanon]

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I’m not sure I’d call this “fooling” - if you love that type of intellectual stimulation your brain *is* having a very pleasurable experience on a daily basis.

I agree. I totally love it and the pleasure is real. But never thought of it as registering as having had a pleasurable experience that can sort of fool brain into thinking sexual need was satisfied - the way the husband meant it.

[ryn2]

Being deprived of multiple things at once is definitely harder for at least some brains (mine!) to handle than is being deprived of one thing while not limited on others, so he could be on to something.

 

Having all the things is still best but I find it much easier to feel good overall when I’m only giving up one thing.  If I’m giving up multiple significant things at the same time each individual sacrifice is harder to ignore.