How to net be overwhelmed.

[Blehbleh]

Short story. Married 12 years. 2 kids. My wife has never really been into sex. She has had some mental health issues that seem to be resolved by now. These isssues have greatly diminished sexual possibilities for us, because of the mood swings that were attached to her mental health issues. 

I love her and want to be with her. We are trying to start up sexy again by having 2 nights a week where we are intimate. Going from just kissing, to, over time, intercourse (hopefully). 

I have so much grief and sadness in my system(because I have never felt truly desired or able to express my sexuality with my wife) that I have never gotten out. 

 

Last time was the first time we started this "system" of trying to turn on our sex life.

 

the evening was nice and we both enjoyed the connection. 

I cried myself to sleep the next 2 nights, and have been constantly thinking about all the joy I have been missing out on.

i have so much pinned down sexual pain that it's hard for me to contain and function. It feels like semi panic attacks. 

I love my wife and don't want to tell her anything about this, since it will screw up, is trying to be sexual with each other. 

I have a deep desire for sex and connection. For the spiritual aspect and the bond that comes from it. It's like my mind knows what sex is, but I never really had real sex. 

 

How would you you cope with this? Not getting overwhelmed with feelings? The grief? 

I try to hide it from my wife, not to turn sex into a negative thing. 

 

thank you so much. 

[Jimmy1016]

I would talk to a therapist on my own and hit couples counseling. Seeing someone on my own would help me sort things out and cope in a healthy way and couples counseling would be a good way to talk about the situation in a better environment. 

[Blehbleh]

Hi.Thanks!

We have had 2 successful "sessions". With successful, I just mean that we kissed and felt close. Felt connected and things got a little heated (in a good way), the second time. But the most positive thing was, that we got to talk things through. we agreeed on twice a week, and that my wife really needs stuff to go slow.

I completely agreed with her. I would rather have a slow lasting thing than a rushed, not fully working thing, if htat makes sense.

 

I don't know if she is completely asexual. I think she is just very low drive.

We never had a honeymoon period. Never any really good sexual connections.

She says she could go fro the rest of her life without sex.

Then again, we have both been brought up religious (none of are orthodox or anything as adults), and that can really mess with peoples (especially womens) sexuality.

I have hope now, in the sense that she seems to be over her mental health issues, and it's great that she is willing to work on it.

I know all marriages have weak spots, and sex is one of ours. We have many other good things, where we really excell, but I cannot live in a relationship without sex. But again, now I have hope.

I still need help not fixating on it. It's a tendency I think I always had a bit (not fixating on sex, but just on one thing), and because we have gone through some really rough stuff with her mental issues, these tendencies have been enlarge. I sometimes have constant streams of thoughts, that I cant turn off etc, im never really "off".

 

Thanks for the support.

[Jimmy1016]

On 1/26/2019 at 2:03 AM, Blehbleh said:

Hi.Thanks!

We have had 2 successful "sessions". With successful, I just mean that we kissed and felt close. Felt connected and things got a little heated (in a good way), the second time. But the most positive thing was, that we got to talk things through. we agreeed on twice a week, and that my wife really needs stuff to go slow.

I completely agreed with her. I would rather have a slow lasting thing than a rushed, not fully working thing, if htat makes sense.

 

I don't know if she is completely asexual. I think she is just very low drive.

We never had a honeymoon period. Never any really good sexual connections.

She says she could go fro the rest of her life without sex.

Then again, we have both been brought up religious (none of are orthodox or anything as adults), and that can really mess with peoples (especially womens) sexuality.

I have hope now, in the sense that she seems to be over her mental health issues, and it's great that she is willing to work on it.

I know all marriages have weak spots, and sex is one of ours. We have many other good things, where we really excell, but I cannot live in a relationship without sex. But again, now I have hope.

I still need help not fixating on it. It's a tendency I think I always had a bit (not fixating on sex, but just on one thing), and because we have gone through some really rough stuff with her mental issues, these tendencies have been enlarge. I sometimes have constant streams of thoughts, that I cant turn off etc, im never really "off".

 

Thanks for the support.

No problem. I hope things keep progressing well.

[MrDane]

...but you used to have sex? Would she be okay with giving, but not getting? For me it has helped to put things in a schedule and try not to expect to much. For her, the same. 

[Blehbleh]

Thanks. 

We used to have more sex. But it has always been filled with anxiety on her part. She has never been raped etc but she has huge hung ups and not really know why. 

We have tried to have more sessions but something has always come in the way. 

We talked more tonight. We will try to alternative ways. Hypnosis etc to see if they can unlock her "bad programming". 

I'm so exhausted and I'm so sad. 

We have seen 2 different sex therapist the past years. My wife has had heavy therapy because of mental health issues etc but she seems to be recovering now. 

Everything has just been so rough and I'm worn out. And never connecting with her wears me out even more. 

Some days I can't stop my brain, and I just keep thinking the same thoughts= it will never get better. I don't want to divorce, because I love her and our family. I don't want an open relationship. 

I see no solution.

 

sorry. I just have to vent. 

Im sure it will be better in a couple of days. 

[MrDane]

I think some sex therapists has a wrong mission. They want to ignite the flame, but if the partner is asexual, then there is nothing to be lit. 

 

The beforementioned schedule works like this. I dont have to guess/fear when is a good time to ask. I dont have to worry about not getting my intimacy, my naked cuddle, my skin contact, my sexual rush. We have it. It is usually very nice. Mostly for my sake. Sometimes she likes it for her sake, just dont need it and it doesnt give her much. We have moved away from flirting, sexyness, foreplay and moved on to “giving physical stimulation”. Why? Because she is okay with it, and she loves me.

[anamikanon]

Don't hide it from her. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk and then more TALK.

 

You haven't been the only person in the relationship. She has been there too. If she cares about you, she knows and is probably guessing worse than the reality. If she doesn't know, as a part of being close as a couple, she should! She should know that there is something that matters a lot to you.

 

Also, talking opens up possibilities. For example:

 

1. What do each of you mean by sex? The sexual act - Penis in Vagina stuff? Other sexual pleasures? 
2. What parts of it matter most to you? Will receiving "anything" work? Do you need specific kind of sexual contact?
3. What parts of it does she dislike? What could be okay?
4. Are there easy overlaps? For example, I was never hung up on PIV sex and my husband was very fine using his hands, but not oral ever or PIV too often. But he was cool with me asking to be touched any time (an oversimplification for example)

There are other aspects to it too. My situation with my husband is actually now reversed. So we both have been in the situation of wanting sex when the other doesn't (see my update thread for explanation). In BOTH cases, the person who didn't want sex still wanted to offer it to the other because we saw it mattered to them and we loved each other. She can't work to go beyond her preference unless she knows that there is a good reason why she may want to!

 

Also, for us, as sexuals, an important part of denial of sex is the denial of recognition for our need for it too. Talking and our need being recognized is in itself an important process. We and our need for sex is no longer our shameful secret or something that can't be legitimately a need in the relationship.