Is asexuality is a spectrum: and where is my wife on it?

[type77]

Hello, this is my first post on this site. Forgive me if I'm not familiar with the terminology, abbreviations, use terms that are considered unhelpful. I will learn.

 

I'll be 42 next month and my wife is 51. We have one child, and despite my experiencing a profound and extended nervous breakdown three years ago, almost losing my life to it (now thankfully recovered) we have a solid and loving family life in lots of ways that I am eternally grateful for and would not trade for anything. Of course, I'm here for a reason and that is because my wife has always had low libido.

 

To give a sense of what this means, in our 13 years living together, I would say we have had sex, on average, once a month and there have been many times when much longer intervals have gone by. Occasionally, there will be a period where we might manage it once a week for three weeks but then it is back to the old ways. There is nothing particular about our lifestyles that makes more regular sex challenging to achieve. My wife seems to consider this normal, or at least 'OK' if not typical. Why am I focussing on my wife? It takes two to tango, yes?

 

Well, I think the following are relevant:

 

- It is almost always me who has to initiate and when it is her, it is because she senses that an abnormally long time has passed without sex, even by our standards

-She is never spontaneous or risk-taking: for example, she would never, in the middle of the day (I now work mostly from home) come downstairs and jump on me, get us in the mood etc.

- It is true that I don't do these things anymore, but that's because when I have done so in the past, her response has been prudish, 'what will the neighbours think' etc. It's not like we swing from the chandeliers.

-When we do have sex, it is like having to open her up in the sense of her being inert and my having to caress her, kiss her while she is relatively unresponsive. Moistness is not a problem. When we are having sex, it is always me who has to suggest we now try this position or that. Nothing out of the ordinary, mind. I think the word 'passive' covers her demeanour well

-She is aware that she is unusually silent when we make love and by her own admission, she cannot explain it: it's just that she, in her words, freezes up, and is prevented from letting go. She is, well...inhibited.

-As a reason not to have a date night, she is quick to fall back on excuses like it being very cold, being menstrual/peri-menstrual. I'm not dismissing the latter, but personally speaking, it does not matter to me one jot and it's not that sex during those times is at all painful for her, just messy (so what-let's use some old towels, I say!)

- With all this said, when we do make love, I feel we both enjoy it, and she usually has no trouble orgasming, though you would hardly know it, to look at or hear her (her body tends to give her away). I honestly do not know whether she masturbates anymore or not.

- I should have the humility to consider my own relative sexual attractiveness in this. When we met I was considered a good-looking guy. I  put on a lot of weight in the intervening years, and undoubtedly was less attractive, but I recently lost a lot of that weight, and for my age-I’d be considered perfectly acceptable and would not struggle hard to get a date online, based on my looks. The experience I outlined above has been invariant to my looks and self-care, during our time together. Of course it helps when I am trimmer, happier, fitter-but it's not the cause.

 

In terms of her history versus mine, it may or may not be relevant that she did not experience penetration until she met me, when she was aged 38. It was a good experience, for both of us. It wasn’t previously a case of vaginismus or anything like that. She had led quite a solitary, family oriented life and had never had a boyfriend. At one period before she met me, she had a very mild lesbian infatuation with someone. She was and is still recognised as a good-looking woman, is highly intelligent and has good self-esteem, about herself and her body/looks. She identifies strongly as heterosexual now, and even when she met she did have an eye for good looking, fit guys. 

 

In terms of myself, I would consider my libido as being about average, for a man. I like sex, and I like thinking about it perhaps as much as the act, though there are things I value more: food, music, relationships...

 

In my previous relationships I had maybe half a dozen girlfriends in total and, although the women varied considerably in libido, none had as low as that of my wife. As for own sexual performance: probably about average. I like performing foreplay, enjoy making my partner feel good maybe even more than my own sensations.

 

Of course, I have read all the articles about getting the spice back in your sex life, about having to work at it, plan spontaneity, try new things etc. etc. all of which make perfect sense if you have a shall we say, a representative libido that's just been in hibernation or suffered some neglect. I have made admittedly half-hearted attempts to stick with such advice, but I can no longer do it because I am coming to the conclusion that my wife might be asexual, and therefore any attempts to re-vamp the relationship are only going to bring the problem into sharper and more painful relief. 

 

On the one hand, I have an instinct to talk to her - we are very close and understand each other very well-but I worry that if I raise the 'asexual' possibility, that it will send her and me into a spiral of self-reproach and even resentment, which is worse than pointless. I love my wife very deeply and have zero real interest in being with other women, casually or otherwise, because our family life is precious to me, and I know what destroying trust looks like. The sadness I feel-and that's what it is-is not exactly driving us apart, but I worry that it could be corrosive.

 

Can you please point me to where similar experiences have had good responses, or other resources that might help? Feel free to opine yourself, of course. Getting therapy is something that I really, really cannot afford right now. Maybe when times are better.

 

Many thanks for taking the trouble to read this.

 

Edited January 23, 2019 by type77
Typos

[Ennis]

Welcome to the forums!

There isn't much I can say about this - I've never been married nor have I ever had sex. All I can say is that I think it's a good thing that you came here for advice and I really hope you and your wife will find a way!

 

48 minutes ago, type77 said:

while she is relatively unresponsive

This doesn't sound too good.

 

None of us here can tell you whether or not your wife is asexual. She alone knows. I suppose the only way to find out is to ask her.

Does she know asexuality exists? Because if she doesn't or she doesn't know what exactly it means I don't think it would be a good idea to ask her whether she is asexual. In this case I'd try and gently introduce her to the subject first.

 

All the best! 🍰

[ryn2]

Hi, @type77!  Welcome to AVEN!

 

You might find some of the threads in the “For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies” section helpful.

[Skycaptain]

Moving this to Q&A 

Skycaptain moderator Older Asexuals 

[Sally]

Ask her if she's ever really wanted to have sex for itself.  If she says no, she's likely asexual.  

[NickyTannock]

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like your wife is a Heteroromantic Asexual.

I suggest this section of the forums: For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

If your wife is Asexual and doesn't know it, she could reflexively deny the possibility until she has read something about Asexuality.

That being the case, you might find this helpful it's a short book about Asexuality that is free to read online: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,