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When love is not enough


Avee

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Hi there!

I haven't checked this forum for I while, probably because I was avoiding this topic. Around year ago I told my boyfriend that I might be heteroromantic. To make long story short, we're still together and I really love him. That's why I'm thinking about breaking up. We tried a lot of times and sex is simply not working for me. I don't want to force myself anymore and at the same time I know it's not satisfying for him. Lately, he's been making me feel guilty and that's a huge no-no. I'm scared of it, but sooner or later it will happen. Then agian, I'm scared of loneliness. When I was younger I imagined it would be way easier. Just meet the right guy and have your happily ever after. Now, I can't stop feeling like he's the right one in this relationship and I'm just broken. So, it's not healthy anymore. Sorry for this depressing post, I just really wanted to share it and a little less helpless than now. Thanks for your time reading it.

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This is a very mature way of thinking. When a relationship doesn't feel right anymore, even if you can't quite articulate why, it may be time to let it go.

 

I broke up with my last boyfriend in much the same way. I loved him and we got along great, but we were terribly sexually incompatible and I knew it would start to hurt him. 

 

I felt lonely for a while, of course. I missed him terribly. I even made the mistake of getting back together with him temporarily when it felt like I might suddenly sexually desire him-- but I didn't. I was just craving the intimacy we once had.

 

It took a while, but I feel better about my decision and myself. You will too.

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WishItWasEasy

I feel like I can be your voice from the future here a little bit. I was in a similar situation several years ago and decided to stick it out. I was kind of naive in the whole ‘sex isn’t the basis for a relationship’ thing and thought everything would be fine in time. It is not. If he is making you feel guilty for being yourself (similar situation as me) you need to move on before it gets harder too. I’m finding the that this isn’t something that people can move past so if things are bad now, they will only get worse. As time goes on things will just get worse and you’ll be more dependent on each other so breaking up will be harder. Sometimes being lonely isn’t the worst thing because time does heal that. 

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Hermit Advocate
3 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

This is a very mature way of thinking. When a relationship doesn't feel right anymore, even if you can't quite articulate why, it may be time to let it go.

I agree with @Grimalkin, I also broke up with my boyfriend when I felt that the relationship did not feel like it could go any further. Granted, mine never involved sex, but I realized that I could never be happy with such a relationship and decided to end it. You might be lonely for a while, but in then end you need to do what's best for you. 

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  • 1 month later...

I went through a very similar experience. It's hard but sometimes relationships run their course and you need to let them go before too much emotional damage is done. You're not alone or broken. You're experience is valid :D 

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You cite this as love, but someone who really loved you would not be guilting or pressuring you, and if they were doing it unintentionally and later realized it, they would be bending over backwards to amend their mistakes.

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On 1/23/2019 at 4:13 PM, Avee said:

I'm scared of it, but sooner or later it will happen. Then agian, I'm scared of loneliness. When I was younger I imagined it would be way easier. Just meet the right guy and have your happily ever after. Now, I can't stop feeling like he's the right one in this relationship and I'm just broken.

I've been on the side of your bf and I have this to say. I was broken up with after not doing anything wrong, or at least that is what I was told. It sucked, not gonna lie, but eventually I learned to live with it. I am not going to say I am over it, it is really difficult to forget someone you love but it is better than being with someone who is not really who you thought.

 

Yup, I am also scared of loneliness at times. I genuinely thought I had found the one and would have my happily ever after. I was a very good boyfriend, everyone tells me I did nothing wrong however that did not stop her from ending it. I don't know her reasons, she never really told me. Once she wanted to be over she essentially disappeared.

 

I can say this though, do not feel broken. Emotions are difficult to explain and to deal with. Nonetheless, if you really think it is not going to work the sooner the better, and this is from the guy who was broken up with. No matter when you do it, if you do, it will still suck no matter what, so extending is worse since it is a bit like lying to him and yourself. 

 

If you do decide to go through with it though, please make sure you do it in person and explicit state your reasons. Don't do it over the phone, it sucks! Just get it all out. Again, I talk from the perspective of you bf, it is better to let him know why explicitly than allow him to endlessly think of reasons why. He will thank you later for it.

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