In need of some advice

[J_G_M_]

Hello all -- sexual here, newbie to the forum, and in need of some advice.

By way of background: my wife realized a few years ago that she is demisexual.  When she's relaxed and feeling romantic and loved, she is fully sexual, with all the emotional and physical responses that entails (however, that happens on average only once a month).  When she's relaxed but not feeling romantic, she is indifferent to sex.  When she's busy, working, doing her morning or evening routines, or most of the rest of the time, she experiences sexual repulsion.

Some more background: my wife is also autistic.  I have ADHD and several other anxiety-related conditions.  I am essentially hypersexual, and also very kinky (I'm a sexual sadist).  Our kinks overlap a little (she's slightly submissive), but not a lot.

This all may sound like an impossible situation.  However, it's not; we're actually really close to an effective compromise.  We communicate very well about these issues.  We've taken to scheduling cuddle sessions, and occasionally schedule sex, which sometimes becomes mutual and other times results in solo masturbation sessions for me, with her holding me.  When we do have sex, it's amazing for both of us.  I manage my hypersexuality by looking at lots of kinky porn, with her knowledge and permission.  She's also given me permission to partially open our marriage, which I'm exploring slowly; so far it hasn't progressed beyond online chats, but she's given permission for phone and video chats, and potentially for more down the road.

We are SO CLOSE to a working solution that works for both of us.  But I wanted to ask you knowledgeable folks about the one remaining problem: my feelings of sexual rejection during the large portions of each day when she experiences sexual repulsion.  For me, talking and thinking about sex during stressful parts of the day is a stress management solution, so my instinct is to make near-constant sexual comments to her, sexual overtures (physical and otherwise), etc.  However, she is completely repulsed by sex during much of the day, and needs me not to do that. So as not to make her uncomfortable, I've trained myself to keep my mouth shut about sex when she's sexually repulsed.  However, in order to do that, I have to essentially build a taboo in my mind around her, similar to the taboo a sexual person has, say, with their work colleagues at work (you may find them attractive, but you must never ever talk about it or allow it to color your interactions with that person; you think of them as off-limits).  Doing that leads me to not think of her in a sexual way, ever.  That might be fine if she were fully asexual.  But as a demisexual, occasionally she IS attracted to me sexually and wants to have sex with me...and then I've got this block that I have to overcome, every time, where I've taught myself not to feel sexual attraction to her so I don't make her uncomfortable.  So -- then we have sex, and it's amazing, and I feel attracted to her again!  But as soon as we're done, I have to build up the taboo all over again, so I don't make her feel uncomfortable the next day, or the day after that.

I don't blame her for this situation.  I think I really do understand where she's coming from.  What I'm struggling with is my own feelings: how to maintain attraction to my wife when she doesn't want to hear or think about sex for weeks or months at a time, which requires me to silence any outward manifestation of my attraction?  I feel like I'd know what to do here if she were sexually repulsed all the time; then the taboo I've built up would work, we could have an exclusively romantic and companionate relationship, and I could satisfy my sexual needs exclusively outside the marriage, with her permission.  But going from maintaining a taboo to being fully sexual with her, and back again, over and over, makes me feel a bit schizophrenic.  Basically, turning my attraction on and off according to her unpredictable patterns of desire is making me pretty miserable.

Have any other sexuals on this forum had this problem?  If so, how have you handled it?

[Xstatic]

Well now, that's something I haven't heard of before.  Quite frankly, I don't think I could ever just turn my desire on and off like that.  My s/o is sex repulsed so anytime I'm in a situation where I'm completely turned on next to him, I kinda make light of the situation.  I bury my head in a pillow and maybe let out a rawr.  Kick my legs a bit and am like "yeah, just hold on a sec.  Gotta get rid of my lady boner here." But you know.  Then I'm good.  If I'm playful about it, then he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable.  Like he's hurting me in some way.  And then I don't feel bad either.  But I'm not hypersexual.  Dealing with that has to be exhausting.

[James121]

2 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

When she's busy, working, doing her morning or evening routines, or most of the rest of the time, she experiences sexual repulsion.

I doubt this. You can’t be repulsed by sex but then enjoy it once a month. It’s one or the other.

 

2 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

When we do have sex, it's amazing for both of us.

I’m not calling you a liar but how is she sex repulsed if this is the case?

 

2 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

She's also given me permission to partially open our marriage, which I'm exploring slowly; so far it hasn't progressed beyond online chats, but she's given permission for phone and video chats, and potentially for more down the road.

Have you considered the possibility that this because she has already opened the marriage up for herself without you knowing?

 

2 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

We are SO CLOSE to a working solution that works for both of us.  But I wanted to ask you knowledgeable folks about the one remaining problem: my feelings of sexual rejection during the large portions of each day when she experiences sexual repulsion

I’m lost on this I’m afraid. I think she may be telling some porkies. Not you by the way!

 

 

I don’t think she is being genuine I’m afraid to say.

[Chimeric]

1 hour ago, James121 said:

I doubt this. You can’t be repulsed by sex but then enjoy it once a month. It’s one or the other.

Maybe for you!

 

I'm sexual and there are definitely chunks of time where I am repulsed by the idea of having it (not 'cus my partner is repulsive; usually it's cus I'm feeling repulsive and would much rather be left alone). I can understand how this would be amplified for someone who naturally leans more towards being asexual than I do!

 

3 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

my instinct is to make near-constant sexual comments to her, sexual overtures (physical and otherwise), etc.  However, she is completely repulsed by sex during much of the day, and needs me not to do that. So as not to make her uncomfortable, I've trained myself to keep my mouth shut about sex when she's sexually repulsed.  However, in order to do that, I have to essentially build a taboo in my mind around her, similar to the taboo a sexual person has, say, with their work colleagues at work (you may find them attractive, but you must never ever talk about it or allow it to color your interactions with that person; you think of them as off-limits).  Doing that leads me to not think of her in a sexual way, ever

This is probably not the best way to go about doing this.

 

I was married to someone who had a much higher libido than I do, who sent me very mixed messages. He would tell me he'd want me, but he would also tell me I was fat and ugly, and when I did acquiesce, he wouldn't be able to perform, and then he'd blame me (I was, after all, fat and ugly). I know that he did build up some sort of defense (I did reject him an awful lot), because I found a journal he had written wherein he referred to me as the thing that squelches who he is and his creativity. The man I married didn't believe those things, so something had created a wall, there (coulda been me, coulda been the anxiety, coulda been the drugs, coulda been all three...). I just don't know if the sex bit was a result of the wall or not. 

 

3 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

What I'm struggling with is my own feelings: how to maintain attraction to my wife when she doesn't want to hear or think about sex for weeks or months at a time, which requires me to silence any outward manifestation of my attraction?

Does your attraction to her rely on outward manifestation of it? Does she have to become less sexy as you're unable to act on it?

 

Is it possible to find another outlet? It may not be, I acknowledge that, but are there other things you could do for her to express your attraction? Maybe things closer to a love language she understands - like writing her love letters (not sexty letters, mind), or drawing pictures for her, or making her dinner, or buying her flowers or jewelry or other little things she appreciates?

 

You mention that she tends to be more in to sex when she's comfortable and relaxed. If her two choices right now are "he's constantly coming on to me" or "he's really distant," (we do notice these things), maybe that's contributing to her lack of desire?

 

You shouldn't be miserable in this situation, either, and I don't want to sound like I'm deaf to your needs. If it's driving you crazy and there's no middleground to be had, it may be best to consider ending the relationship. But it sounds like you're interested in pursuing other things, first.

[James121]

45 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

I'm sexual and there are definitely chunks of time where I am repulsed by the idea of having it (not 'cus my partner is repulsive; usually it's cus I'm feeling repulsive and would much rather be left alone)

That isn’t what was described. You feeling repulsed by yourself and not having sex is not  not having sex because you are sex repulsed.

I just don’t believe you can flick between enjoying and embracing sex to sex repulsed. She’s excusing herself and that’s all.

[Guest]

48 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

 

I'm sexual and there are definitely chunks of time where I am repulsed by the idea of having it (not 'cus my partner is repulsive; usually it's cus I'm feeling repulsive and would much rather be left alone). I can understand how this would be amplified for someone who naturally leans more towards being asexual than I do!

Yep. It seems some folk assume all sexuals are ready and willing for sex 24/7 but believe me, this is so far from the case for many people. I know for me, even certain acts seem repulsive UNLESS I'm very aroused. If I'm not in the mood they're not going to happen, no sex at all is going to happen and I find the idea of it very annoying and yes, quite gross. But once my blood is just right.. things that otherwise would be repulsive start seeming very, very tempting. 

 

2 minutes ago, James121 said:

just don’t believe you can flick between enjoying and embracing sex to sex repulsed. She’s excusing herself and that’s all.

Yet again you're assuming that because something doesn't apply to you, it doesn't apply to anyone. It's a fact that for some people they're pretty darned repulsed by the idea of having sex unless they're in the mood for it. I am one such person. Ergo, there's no need to automatically assume the OPs partner is lying. What the OP described sounds very genuine to me.

 

Back to hiatus. I'm going to need to request a suspension if I keep checking back here like this Y_Y

[mashandgravy]

2 hours ago, James121 said:

 

I just don’t believe you can flick between enjoying and embracing sex to sex repulsed. She’s excusing herself and that’s all.

Making excuses so her partner won't make sexual comments to her? Why would she do that? Surely because it makes her very uncomfortable in these moments. Can you think of any other reasons?

 

Sure, sex repulsion generally describes an enduring, overall reaction to sex but its pretty extreme to assume she's just lying.

[James121]

5 hours ago, mashandgravy said:

Can you think of any other reasons?

That she doesn’t want to have sex and it’s an excellent way to get him to back right off.

 

She has complete control. Sex today, doesn’t want sex for a couple of months now and doesn’t want to hear him pestering for or hinting for more so.....bang, I’m sex repulsed. The day after having sex.

[James121]

4 hours ago, Ficto. (On Hiatus!) said:

Yet again you're assuming that because something doesn't apply to you, it doesn't apply to anyone. It's a fact that for some people they're pretty darned repulsed by the idea of having sex unless they're in the mood for it. I am one such person. Ergo, there's no need to automatically assume the OPs partner is lying. What the OP described sounds very genuine to me.

 

Back to hiatus. I'm going to need to request a suspension if I keep checking back here like this Y_Y

Yet again ficto you and others are there with a ready made illogical excuse for the behaviour I have commented on. She has and really enjoys sex but afterwards is repulsed by sex? Do me a favour. You are not repulsed by sex if you aren’t in the mood for it, that’s an incredibly odd way to describe it. It’s simply called, I’m not in the mood. Slightly different to repulsed I would say.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, James121 said:

Do me a favour. You are not repulsed by sex if you aren’t in the mood for it

You clearly did not read what I said.

 

Like right now, if someone wanted sex with me, I would be fucking disgusted even if there have been other times I've wanted sex with them, because I'm one of those people who is annoyed and pretty sickened (to the extent of losing all desire almost permanently) from having someone want sex with me when I'm not in the mood. Once I vomited while giving my ex a blowjob because I was so fucking sickened having to do it. Other times (when I want it) I will literally orgasm from sucking cock because I love it so much.

 

Seriously, get out of your own tiny little box and accept that not everyone is like you. It's a mind-blowing concept I know, but experiences that differ from yours do actually exist.

[J_G_M_]

9 hours ago, James121 said:

I doubt this. You can’t be repulsed by sex but then enjoy it once a month. It’s one or the other.

 

I’m not calling you a liar but how is she sex repulsed if this is the case?

 

Have you considered the possibility that this because she has already opened the marriage up for herself without you knowing?

 

I’m lost on this I’m afraid. I think she may be telling some porkies. Not you by the way!

 

 

I don’t think she is being genuine I’m afraid to say.

Trust me, she's not lying.  There are a million reasons I'm absolutely sure she's not lying, but two of the best ones are: 1) she's terrible at lying (we actually have to rehearse lies about things like career plans because she can't figure out how to lie), and 2) I'm not a big fan of monogamy and would be perfectly fine with her sleeping with other people.

Also, you're welcome to your opinion, but at this point your repeated comments insisting that she's lying are a bit of a derail.

[J_G_M_]

7 hours ago, Chimeric said:

Maybe for you!

 

I'm sexual and there are definitely chunks of time where I am repulsed by the idea of having it (not 'cus my partner is repulsive; usually it's cus I'm feeling repulsive and would much rather be left alone). I can understand how this would be amplified for someone who naturally leans more towards being asexual than I do!

 

This is probably not the best way to go about doing this.

 

I was married to someone who had a much higher libido than I do, who sent me very mixed messages. He would tell me he'd want me, but he would also tell me I was fat and ugly, and when I did acquiesce, he wouldn't be able to perform, and then he'd blame me (I was, after all, fat and ugly). I know that he did build up some sort of defense (I did reject him an awful lot), because I found a journal he had written wherein he referred to me as the thing that squelches who he is and his creativity. The man I married didn't believe those things, so something had created a wall, there (coulda been me, coulda been the anxiety, coulda been the drugs, coulda been all three...). I just don't know if the sex bit was a result of the wall or not. 

 

Does your attraction to her rely on outward manifestation of it? Does she have to become less sexy as you're unable to act on it?

 

Is it possible to find another outlet? It may not be, I acknowledge that, but are there other things you could do for her to express your attraction? Maybe things closer to a love language she understands - like writing her love letters (not sexty letters, mind), or drawing pictures for her, or making her dinner, or buying her flowers or jewelry or other little things she appreciates?

 

You mention that she tends to be more in to sex when she's comfortable and relaxed. If her two choices right now are "he's constantly coming on to me" or "he's really distant," (we do notice these things), maybe that's contributing to her lack of desire?

 

You shouldn't be miserable in this situation, either, and I don't want to sound like I'm deaf to your needs. If it's driving you crazy and there's no middleground to be had, it may be best to consider ending the relationship. But it sounds like you're interested in pursuing other things, first.

This is a great comment and really made me think, and us talk.  I think one of our difficulties here is that our love languages don't really overlap very much.  I don't have any problem with romance, but I just don't find it very interesting (partly because I'm a sadist) and my ADHD makes it pretty hard for me to do things I don't find interesting, especially to initiate them.  It's actually an interesting mirror image of my experience.  Because she doesn't initiate sex, I feel unloved, even when I know where it's coming from.  Because I don't initiate romance, she feels unloved, even when she knows where it's coming from.  I could probably be okay with doing romance she initiated and feeling compersion for her enjoyment of the romantic activity.  But she says she doesn't want our entire romantic life to be compersion; there need to be things we do together romantically that we both enjoy for their own sake.  I'm not sure those things exist, so I guess that's part of the problem.

What's frustrating about this is that we're amazing friends and life partners, and we also don't have many of the blocks other mixed-orientation couples have, such as being bad at communicating or being opposed to pornography or to opening the relationship.  It feels like we've worked through the roughest parts of this, and what's left should be a problem solvable by some sort of compromise.  I'm just not sure what that solution would look like.  Her love language is really offputting for me.  Mine is impossible for her.

[James121]

47 minutes ago, J_G_M_ said:

Trust me, she's not lying.  There are a million reasons I'm absolutely sure she's not lying, but two of the best ones are: 1) she's terrible at lying (we actually have to rehearse lies about things like career plans because she can't figure out how to lie), and 2) I'm not a big fan of monogamy and would be perfectly fine with her sleeping with other people.

Also, you're welcome to your opinion, but at this point your repeated comments insisting that she's lying are a bit of a derail.

I think beyond this comment I’ll leave this thread alone because it won’t be long before various people start literally diving on to the report button like little school children telling the dinner lady that someone called them a name (and that is not aimed at you J_G_M)

 

Im not calling your mrs an out right liar, I think it’s more that, she has things the way she wants them. And when people have precisely what they want they will sometimes embellish the truth to maintain **their** ideal. Let me give you an example that’s less personal to you and more to me so as not to offend you...

 

Laying in bed, snuggle up, hand goes on to the inner thigh of my wife.... “Not tonight sweetheart I have a headache”

Truth? Well funnily enough she had a headache the last 5 times I initiated sex. What a coincidence!! The type of headache that she has shown no sign of having all day, not complained of or mentioned, not even looked in the direction of a headache tablet let alone thought of taking one and didn’t stop her doing her gym and yoga class. I could give a million and one very very similar examples of this. Is my wife an out and out liar...no

Has she lied to keep things how she wants them? Absolutely yes.

 

I believe the sex repulsion is really an exaggeration and prevents the massive variety of excuses required that my wife and many others use. 

*I have a headache

*Im tired

*You've got to get up tomorrow 

*Its late

*Its too early (I kid you not with that one!)

*i’’ve not long got out the shower and don’t want to get dirty

*I’m not clean

*my leg is sore

* you aren’t clean enough

* but tou’ve not long got out of the shower

*what if the children hear us

 

 

Replace all of the above and more with

 

*i’m sex repulsed (until the next time that is when I’m coincidentally not sex repulsed)

 

I’m going to end this response by quoting you on your original post which tipifies the situation....

 

12 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

I've trained myself to keep my mouth shut about sex when she's sexually repulsed.

So you’re silenced....

12 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

occasionally she IS attracted to me sexually and wants to have sex with me...and then I've got this block that I have to overcome,

So sex repulsed until she fancies sex and I would expect you deliver...

12 hours ago, J_G_M_ said:

Basically, turning my attraction on and off according to her unpredictable patterns of desire is making me pretty miserable.

I bet she’s not though...miserable that is.

 

 

I’m sorry if my opinion is upsetting but I have a bit of distrust in certain people and certain excuses for a very good reason.

[James121]

52 minutes ago, Ficto. (On Hiatus!) said:

Once I vomited while giving my ex a blowjob because I was so fucking sickened having to do it

Did he have a gun to your head? Who made you do it? You could have said...”I don’t want to suck your penis”

 

54 minutes ago, Ficto. (On Hiatus!) said:

Other times (when I want it) I will literally orgasm from sucking cock because I love it so much.

So what is your expectation then? For someone to revolve around you and your desires? Aren’t there two people in a relationship?

 

56 minutes ago, Ficto. (On Hiatus!) said:

Seriously, get out of your own tiny little box 

What box? 

 

57 minutes ago, Ficto. (On Hiatus!) said:

accept that not everyone is like you. It's a mind-blowing concept I know, but experiences that differ from yours do actually exist

Ficto demands I accept that not everyone is like me. Do you do that for yourself? Accept that not everyone is like you?

 

[ryn2]

3 hours ago, James121 said:

Yet again ficto you and others are there with a ready made illogical excuse for the behaviour I have commented on.

...and yet again you are taking someone’s self-described personal experience and claiming it cannot be true because it does not fit your own experience/worldview.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, J_G_M_ said:

I'm not sure those things exist, so I guess that's part of the problem.

It certainly could be compounding the problem, because it means there’s no common place where you are simultaneously happy.

[Guest]

44 minutes ago, James121 said:

Did he have a gun to your head? Who made you do it? You could have said...”I don’t want to suck your penis”

The point I was making was that I felt repulsed but tried to give him sex anyway (because he wanted it) and I threw up. Why are you having trouble wrapping your head around that?

 

44 minutes ago, James121 said:

So what is your expectation then? For someone to revolve around you and your desires? Aren’t there two people in a relationship?

As unreasonable as it may seem to someone like you, my expectation in a relationship is that we only have sex when we both want it. I know, mind-blowing stuff right?

 

44 minutes ago, James121 said:

What box?

The safe little box you live in that makes you believe the whole world thinks and feels exactly like you do.

 

44 minutes ago, James121 said:

Ficto demands I accept that not everyone is like me. 

It's not an unreasonable claim, it's called common sense.

 

44 minutes ago, James121 said:

Do you do that for yourself? Accept that not everyone is like you?

 

I accept that to you, sex is never a repulsive thing even when you don't feel like it; I understand and acknowledge that you feel that way. However I also accept that for some people, it's repulsive to them when they don't personally want it, myself being one of those people.  There, easy.

 

 

 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, J_G_M_ said:

Her love language is really offputting for me.  Mine is impossible for her.

Been there, sorry to say I didn’t ultimately find a solution (so I have no blueprint to offer).  It’s a tough situation.

[ryn2]

56 minutes ago, James121 said:

the massive variety of excuses required that my wife and many others use. 

*I have a headache

*Im tired

*You've got to get up tomorrow 

*Its late

*Its too early (I kid you not with that one!)

*i’’ve not long got out the shower and don’t want to get dirty

*I’m not clean

*my leg is sore

* you aren’t clean enough

* but tou’ve not long got out of the shower

*what if the children hear us

What happens if she just says “I don’t want to have sex”?  Seems like something (upbringing, perhaps, or your reaction) has taught her it’s not okay to be direct.

[James121]

7 minutes ago, Ficto. (On Hiatus!) said:

have sex when we both want it

 

As in when **you** want to but he can fit round you.

 

 

[James121]

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

What happens if she just says “I don’t want to have sex”?  Seems like something (upbringing, perhaps, or your reaction) has taught her it’s not okay to be direct.

That’s something most refuses ironically refuse to do. Refuse with a legitimate “I don’t want you” response. Why is that?

 

 

Because they wouldn’t have got far in the relationship if they’d revealed their true hand from the word go. And that’s not something that suits them.

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

As in when **you** want to but he can fit round you.

 

 

If I want it and he (or she) isn't in the mood then *gasp*, we don't have sex. And when he (or she) wants it but I'm not in the mood then *gasp*, we don't have sex. It's almost like I only enjoy having sex when both people involved actively want it Oh wait, it's exactly like that!

 

It's pretty uncomfortable having to explain this to a grown man, I'll be honest. You shouldn't need this spelled out for you James. 

[ryn2]

21 minutes ago, James121 said:

That’s something most refuses ironically refuse to do. Refuse with a legitimate “I don’t want you” response. Why is that?

 

 

Because they wouldn’t have got far in the relationship if they’d revealed their true hand from the word go. And that’s not something that suits them.

So when she directly says she doesn’t want sex you don’t take it well?

[James121]

8 minutes ago, Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

If I want it and he (or she) isn't in the mood then *gasp*, we don't have sex. And when he (or she) wants it but I'm not in the mood then *gasp*, we don't have sex. It's almost like I only enjoy having sex when both people involved actively want it Oh wait, it's exactly like that!

 

It's pretty uncomfortable having to explain this to a grown man, I'll be honest. You shouldn't need this spelled out for you James. 

Sex doesn’t work like that. I’ve personally put out many times when I wasn’t  particularly in the mood at all. Once it gets going, arousal happens, desire builds, suddenly you want sex. It’s a scientific fact called ‘responsive sexual desire’ and guess what, *gasp*, if my wife who I chose to marry, wants to get naked and have sexual intercourse aka make love, be intimate, I refuse to turn her away because I happen not to be in the mood. 

 

[James121]

1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

So when she directly says she doesn’t want sex you don’t take it well?

I have no choice but to take well. What’s the alternative? Start an argument? No thanks, 

Sulk? No thanks

 

Its something you have to just swallow and pretend it doesn’t affect you. Because if you react negatively then you are *applying pressure* on your partner.

[ryn2]

Just now, James121 said:

Sex doesn’t work like that. I’ve personally put out many times when I wasn’t  particularly in the mood at all. Once it gets going, arousal happens, desire builds, suddenly you want sex. It’s a scientific fact called ‘responsive sexual desire’ and guess what, *gasp*, if my wife who I chose to marry, wants to get naked and have sexual intercourse aka make love, be intimate, I refuse to turn her away because I happen not to be in the mood. 

 

That’s your personal experience and choice.  Not everyone experiences responsive desire... and while it’s of course fine that you always (or often) have sex when you aren’t in the mood (perhaps made easier by how you know you, personally, find it relatively easy to get in the mood once it’s started) that doesn’t mean everyone else must or should do the same.

[Xstatic]

1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

So when she directly says she doesn’t want sex you don’t take it well?

My ex would throw a god damn tantrum if I said no.  And not only would he go to sleep mad, he would wake up mad and hold a grudge against me until I coddled him and apologised.  It was so god damn annoying and disrespectful.

[ryn2]

Just now, James121 said:

I have no choice but to take well. What’s the alternative? Start an argument? No thanks, 

Sulk? No thanks

 

Its something you have to just swallow and pretend it doesn’t affect you. Because if you react negatively then you are *applying pressure* on your partner.

So if you react the same either way, why does she always go with excuses?

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, James121 said:

Sex doesn’t work like that. I’ve personally put out many times when I wasn’t  particularly in the mood at all. Once it gets going, arousal happens, desire builds, suddenly you want sex. It’s a scientific fact called ‘responsive sexual desire’ and guess what, *gasp*, if my wife who I chose to marry, wants to get naked and have sexual intercourse aka make love, be intimate, I refuse to turn her away because I happen not to be in the mood. 

 

Again, back to the whole thing where you assume everyone feels like you do.

 

Not everyone can get in the mood by forcing themselves into sex James, it just doesn't work like that for everyone.

 

My body happens to *not* be physically capable of experiencing responsive desire (believe me, I gave my ex sex that I didn't want twice a day every day for five years. If forcing myself into sex was able to turn me on then believe me, I'd know by now).

 

And actually that's true for plenty of females. We need our emotions and minds to be in the right space for our bodies to be able to want it. No not all females, but many. And sex for a woman who isn't in the mood for it can be incredibly, incredibly painful and physically damage her (tear her vagina due to dryness etc).

 

Again James, not everyone is like you. 

 

 

 

 

[ryn2]

5 minutes ago, James121 said:

Sex doesn’t work like that.

The problem isn’t that you have this opinion and others here don’t... it’s that (if you have another opportunity going forward) the right partner for you is someone who shares your opinion.