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For allosexuals: would you be in a relationship with an asexual?

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anisotrophic
35 minutes ago, Serran said:

Didnt say the survey was about aces, it was a general population survey done by sexologists.

Color me skeptical.

In data from 2000 and 2004, the General Social Survey included questions about "internet porn site in the last month" and "X-rated movie in the last year". (Not week!) 56% of all men said "none" (no to both), or 33% in the 18 to 25 age range. (That is, 44% of all men and 67% of young men reported using one of the two, in the preceding year.) 77% of all women said "none" and 62% in the 18 to 25 range. (That is, 23% of all women and 38% of young women reported using one of the two, in the preceding year.)

While that's a bit dated, it seems to be way off from what you say you've seen. The GSS is a well-established survey source, even has a Wikipedia page... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Social_Survey

Citation: https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2014.1003773

 

I'd add "you can paste the above into a sci-hub site like sci-hub.tw to get a PDF", but then I'd be advocating something illegal.

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Serran

Is getting off topic, but, mods can split it 😛

 

 

2000-2004 is a bit dated. Back then, sites like pornhub didnt exist yet and internet porn was a bit harder. Lots of viruses, bulk downloads on kazaa etc risked having illegal content, high speed internet wasnt as widespread, etc. 

 

Granted, I didnt delve too far into the details of the last survey I saw. It was part of a sexologist article on porn within relationships and whether it is good or bad for a long term relationship. I was given many such articles to read when attempting to overcome not really liking the use partners had of it. Because, its considered normal and healthy part of adult life and just something you deal with in a relationship, so therapy was "see, everyone does it" basically (which I already knew ...). After that it was "well your feelings are valid but you need to learn a way to cope with them because its a thing people do" (which i also already knew...). Therapy to fix it was rather useless, in the end, because they said nothing I didnt already know. Logically knowing things doesnt make them not hurt though, sadly. 

 

But, pornhub is getting 92 million visits every day. That is separate hits - different IPs . In 2018, pornhub alone transferred more data than internet use totaled in 2002 according to traffick statistics. It is the 36th most popular site on the entire net (and mostly beaten by things like reddit, facebook, twitter, google, yahoo, etc.. take those away and it ranks 4th). And it is only one site for it, there are other nearly as popular sites. Plus lots of people who prefer images to video, so use google images instead... 

 

Meaning... porn use has significantly increased in more recent years, since it is so easy to access basically anything you want for free. And without the risks. 

 

Though, as I said I didnt delve into the surveys I was given too closely. I didnt particularly care that much. I know 100% of the people I have dated have used it regularly. 100% of the people I knew in college used it regularly. I only personally know a handful of people who do not use it, even counting aces I have gotten to know. So, when I get into a relationship, I consider porn use as much of a given as sex is to people. As in, dating someone who doesnt partake would be a rarity, rather than an expected norm. And given the popularity of porn threads on AVEN and how many aces I have talked to who use it, I wouldnt change that assumption if I was to date an ace. 

 

And, honestly, I tend to (outside AVEN) keep my feelings about it to myself. I learned mentioning anything but being 100% on board with partners using it for whatever, in whatever way, will get you slammed as hard as the most vile anti-sexual viewpoints will. So I only tell partners / potential partners, since it is a thing they have to deal with (me crying myself to sleep, or not wanting touched sexually, etc if something with it sets me off). 

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Chihiro

@Serran Do you feel bad or guilty for making your partner compromise regarding porn? I assume you guys are compromising since you are married xD

 

For me, if my partner were to say that our relationship is same as the relationship they had with their ex except they now have to give up porn due to me.... I would feel terrible I imagine, I would feel like I am a downgraded partner (In my mind, people upgrade and go for a partner better than their last when they get into new relationship). 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
30 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

Do you feel bad or guilty for making your partner compromise regarding porn? I assume you guys are compromising since you are married xD

I thought Serran said she just wants to know if her partner watches porn, as opposed to them hiding it? I may have missed something though :o

 

I read a study today that was linking sexual dysfunction in men under 40 with the availability of porn on the internet. I can't link as I'm on my phone but it was quite interesting to hear it from a different perspective 

 

I haven't watched porn in a couple of years now, I actually find it all cringe and it's impossible to get off (or even get aroused) when you're cringing so hard your stomach hurts, haha.

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Serran
7 hours ago, Chihiro said:

@Serran Do you feel bad or guilty for making your partner compromise regarding porn? I assume you guys are compromising since you are married xD

 

For me, if my partner were to say that our relationship is same as the relationship they had with their ex except they now have to give up porn due to me.... I would feel terrible I imagine, I would feel like I am a downgraded partner (In my mind, people upgrade and go for a partner better than their last when they get into new relationship). 

I dont make my partner compromise. The only thing I ask for is honesty. If I stumble on it and someone says they arent using, then it takes weeks to get any comfort level back. 

 

Well... OK... I will correct that. I did ask they not do it in bed next to me. Cause ew, I cant share a bed that way. Might as well be inviting another woman into our bed for all the discomfort I have with it. 

 

But, because of how hurt I get over it, my wife offered a compromise on her own to try to stop me being so upset. She didnt like me changing in the bathroom, locking the door if I needed to change in the bedroom, moving away whenever she got out her phone (since I kept seeing it by accident), etc. And she says it works for her. But, I do feel a bit guilty she changed anything for me. 

 

But, there are many ways people are different than past partners. She assures me what she gets from me is worth it, so I just have to trust. I have told her if she wants to go back to normal use she just has to tell me. 

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Kimchi Peanut

I’m not sure, honestly. I thought I was asexual until my first and only relationship. I wanted an asexual relationship until Splat. Now, that seems like a foreign desire. I wouldn’t want my relationship any different than it is. But if I weren’t with Splat? I have no idea. I don’t know if I would develop sexual attraction/desires. I don’t know if it would be an emotional need or something easily forgotten. I think it would depend on the individual relationship for me and I don’t think I’d be able to answer unless I tried. Maybe I’d be fine, maybe I would feel like it’s lacking. I don’t know.

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anamikanon
On 1/21/2019 at 6:21 AM, hooray4todd said:

I was wondering if it's possible for "sexuals" to be with a partner who doesn't want sex, or if they'd be unsatisfied.

Yes and no.

 

Yes, obviously, since I am in a relationship with one and very happy and all the trauma of asexuality and what ensued didn't even come close to breaking us up. It is possible. How probable it is? I don't know. There aren't a whole lot of stories of success, though there are quite a few and successful compromises probably never make it to public sight. I guess it depends on how the sexual sees sex as well as other factors. For me, sex isn't an essential thing. I have several conditions that must be met for me to be interested to begin with. In a sexual relationship, I can be hypersexual, but it has a pretty big emotional element and his lack of desire reduced my desire for him as well and thankfully, not our love for each other.

 

This kind of a thing also means that asexuality hit our relationship after we were both deeply in love (he moved in after three years of being together and till then we were long distance, so the sex was for brief periods) and already committed to each other and had a diverse range of levels in the relationship to fall back on beyond the sex.

 

There are also options like an open relationship that can deal with the difference in desire, all other things going well.

 

But if you are talking of a monogamous relationship with an asexual, it is pretty hard to imagine all but the most low libidos being comfortable with that.

 

Understand this, when a sexual says sex isn't a big deal for them, they most likely haven't encountered asexuality and what they really mean is that they don't need frequent (think daily) sex. When they say they are fine with refusals, what they mean is they are fine with individual refusals. Not refusals as a permanent state of the relationship. For most of us, asexuality is about as far off our spectrum of awareness as believing sex is a huge deal for us is for an asexual. 

 

Most sexuals with clear understanding asexuality would likely RUN before they got emotionally invested in the relationship and were headed for brutal compromises. In the sense of evasiveness about a monogamous or primary relationship or offering a platonic friendship while keeping sexual options open. In the sense we understand you as sexual diversity and have no problem with you, but it is our orientation about as much as a heterosexual would be a homosexual's preference.

 

To sexuals, for a long, long time, "don't want to have sex" is not a complete sentence. It is missing details like "don't want to have sex with you" or "don't want to have sex today". "Don't want to have sex" as a permanent state of being makes no sense to us. What about when you get horny and want sex? The idea of never being horny and never wanting sex makes about as much sense as never wanting food. Our instinct will remain to find the conditions you want to have sex in in order to recreate them - because we love you and want to pleasure you.

 

And it is brutal when the other shoe drops. That the sentence was complete. Because a partner not wanting sex effectively becomes a negation of our sexuality for practical purposes. We may want sex, but we have no ethical way to get it. It forces a change in how we identify ourselves sexually itself. And the change is not voluntary. I have remarked often that my sexual orientation now is "partner of an asexual". It is a complete disruption of how we understand love. What do you mean a hug is okay, but getting closer is not? You don't trust me? And so on.

 

While such relationships are possible, clearly, they are never going to be easy and I would recommend a considerable period of talking and testing what works for both before committing to things like marriage, etc.

 

Also, I would recommend always stating upfront that you are asexual.

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Understand this, when a sexual says sex isn't a big deal for them, they most likely haven't encountered asexuality and what they really mean is that they don't need frequent (think daily) sex. When they say they are fine with refusals, what they mean is they are fine with individual refusals. Not refusals as a permanent state of the relationship. For most of us, asexuality is about as far off our spectrum of awareness as believing sex is a huge deal for us is for an asexual. 

 

Most sexuals with clear understanding asexuality would likely RUN before they got emotionally invested in the relationship and were headed for brutal compromises. In the sense of evasiveness about a monogamous or primary relationship or offering a platonic friendship while keeping sexual options open. In the sense we understand you as sexual diversity and have no problem with you, but it is our orientation about as much as a heterosexual would be a homosexual's preference.

 

To sexuals, for a long, long time, "don't want to have sex" is not a complete sentence. It is missing details like "don't want to have sex with you" or "don't want to have sex today". "Don't want to have sex" as a permanent state of being makes no sense to us. What about when you get horny and want sex? The idea of never being horny and never wanting sex makes about as much sense as never wanting food. Our instinct will remain to find the conditions you want to have sex in in order to recreate them - because we love you and want to pleasure you.

 

And it is brutal when the other shoe drops. That the sentence was complete. Because a partner not wanting sex effectively becomes a negation of our sexuality for practical purposes. We may want sex, but we have no ethical way to get it. It forces a change in how we identify ourselves sexually itself. And the change is not voluntary. I have remarked often that my sexual orientation now is "partner of an asexual". It is a complete disruption of how we understand love. What do you mean a hug is okay, but getting closer is not? You don't trust me? And so on.

 

While such relationships are possible, clearly, they are never going to be easy and I would recommend a considerable period of talking and testing what works for both before committing to things like marriage, etc.

All this. 

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humantoafault

I honestly don't know. I have a considerably low libido, so it might work out, even in the long run. But it might not too.

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MrDane

I think, I will stay with my ace wife forever. I wouldnt have and will not tick the box saying: sex is not important. 

It is important to me. What would work best is someone, who also thinks sex is important and nice. Frequency and ability is less important.

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brbdogsonfire

Dating an asexual would be hard for nearly any sexual,but it does happen. I am sexual and have been dating an asexual for over 5 years. Communication was hard at first about sex, but it got a lot easier kncewe opened up about it. I don't think either of us are completely happy with our situation sexually, but everything else is pretty ideal in the relationship.

 

It can work but will make hard work and compromise from both parties. 

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ryn2

Ugh!  One of my best friends (het male, a few years younger than me, also divorcing and already in a new relationship) lectured me this morning on “not being so negative,” “being open-minded,” and “letting other people decide what they are okay with and not ruling people out just because they aren’t ace.”  “At our age,” he says, “not much is happening anyway and [ I ] could probably keep up with it.”  He says by not wanting to date sexual people I am “not doing myself any favors.”

 

Ironically, part of why he is getting divorced is that he has struggled with his wife rejecting him sexually (I don’t know that she’s ace; she may just not be into him) and been depressed and suffered low self-esteem as possible consequences.

 

I wanted to have him come here and read what everyone writes but whenever I mention “the sexual people on AVEN” he tells me I shouldn’t listen to a bunch of unhappy people on the internet.

 

I’m still struggling to sort out my identity but I’ve not mentioned that to him so it’s not like he’s trying to protect me from something - a label -he thinks I’ve taken on incorrectly.

 

*sigh*

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anisotrophic
On 3/10/2019 at 12:10 PM, ryn2 said:

Ugh!  One of my best friends (het male, a few years younger than me, also divorcing and already in a new relationship) lectured me this morning on “not being so negative,” “being open-minded,” and “letting other people decide what they are okay with and not ruling people out just because they aren’t ace.”  “At our age,” he says, “not much is happening anyway and [ I ] could probably keep up with it.”  He says by not wanting to date sexual people I am “not doing myself any favors.”

 

Ironically, part of why he is getting divorced is that he has struggled with his wife rejecting him sexually (I don’t know that she’s ace; she may just not be into him) and been depressed and suffered low self-esteem as possible consequences.

 

I wanted to have him come here and read what everyone writes but whenever I mention “the sexual people on AVEN” he tells me I shouldn’t listen to a bunch of unhappy people on the internet.

 

I’m still struggling to sort out my identity but I’ve not mentioned that to him so it’s not like he’s trying to protect me from something - a label -he thinks I’ve taken on incorrectly.

 

*sigh*

I've been thinking about this, and wondered...

Well, you said that you think you never were attracted to your last partner. That you kept hoping that would get better, and it didn't. But that he was distinctly not attractive in a way that was discernible from other experiences, where you felt more attraction. And since you had no/low libido, and sex didn't feel important for romance, and he had sexual issues... it became hard to tell whether you're asexual, or became asexual over the years.

Well... I wondered... do you think it's possible... that you could be attracted to someone different? That you might "feel" asexual but.. you're not putting yourself in situations that might discover attraction to someone new?

(But I would agree that your friend is sounding like he's making some naive/hypocritical statements there!)

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ryn2
On 3/12/2019 at 11:58 PM, anisotrophic said:

you had no/low libido

This part is new since menopause.  I was at least average libido-wise prior to that.

 

On 3/12/2019 at 11:58 PM, anisotrophic said:

Well... I wondered... do you think it's possible... that you could be attracted to someone different? That you might "feel" asexual but.. you're not putting yourself in situations that might discover attraction to someone new?

I don’t know.  I listen to other people describe their experiences and I feel like I relate and then the discussion gets to a certain point and suddenly I can no longer relate at all.

 

In my entire life sex has never included any sort of emotional bonding component.  With some partners it was physically enjoyable, and I knew there was reason to worry if it tapered off, but I never felt closer to people after having sex or had sex *to* feel closer, as a way to convey love, etc.  I’ve never seen it as a way to communicate or felt like that’s what was happening.  In fact, the idea of that - of “making love” - has always been something I’ve (silently, mostly) scoffed at.

 

I *did* get something out of people “lusting after” me a long time ago, but sex felt like the price I had to pay in exchange?  It’s hard to explain.

 

Since my teens I have often (even typically) pretended I was someone else having someone else’s experiences during sex.  E.g., if I watched a movie (not porn; just a regular movie where the characters had sexual chemistry) I could “absorb” their lustful feelings (again, never noticed or knew there was supposed to be more than a physical connection) and act out what they would likely be doing.  The same thing worked for written stories.  I always needed fantasies of someone else’s real or preferably fictional horniness to channel, for solo action or with a partner.

 

I have a physical “type” and it was always a lot harder to get into the sex headspace with someone who didn’t comform to it.

 

Sex and “wanting” sex was always a lot easier if I had been drinking.

 

So... I don’t know.  I’ve had a lot of sex over the years, with close to 10 people... but it was always (either because I was supposed to, or) purely to scratch a physical itch.  I wanted to get off as quickly as possible and then I *hated* it and wanted it done.  Early on (college) I went through periods when I just couldn’t go through with it at all, but I was an über-anxious hot mess then anyway.

 

Now that my libido packed up and left, and I’m possessing of a good toy for the very rare times it comes home for a visit, the idea of sex with another person makes me at best mildly nauseated.  Some of that is probably from a long relationship with a person who was never in my physical type and got less and less so (along with less and less happy and less and less nice to me) over time, but it’s also how I felt in college and as time went by in other relationships.

 

Complicating it further is the fact that I’ve never found older people attractive... so now that I am one I find (not only other people but also) the idea that someone might be lusting after me suuuuuuper-unappealing.

 

*shrugs*

 

The discussion arose not out of “right this minute” but from my saying matter-of-factly that it’s unlikely I will find another partner.  My friend seems to equate asexuality with low libido and thinks I would be fine with someone sexual who “can’t get it up” anymore or only has sex rarely, but that person is still going to want to feel honestly wanted (oh god no!) and to have me enjoy feeling wanted (even more oh god no).

 

Whatever the issue is - actual asexuality, a mental health issue, a fetish for people who are now way, way too young for me, etc. - his advice does not seem wise to/for me.

 

I’m not even ready for a companion at this point (and I’m not yet legally separated - we’re doing mediation to set up the agreement - so it would be unwise to find one now anyway) so it’s all theoretical.

 

Wow, that got long and now I am going to be late to work*.  Oops!  I keep hoping someone can make sense of me for me.

 

*(I rushed like crazy and wasn’t)

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Serran

Adding to your complications, your partners never sounded very... uhm. Good, to be blunt. The way you describe them would turn me off majorly. 

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ryn2

That was definitely true for some of them, Serran.  One guy (the relationship before last) was quite experienced and got generally good reviews, though, as did a couple of other short-term-thing people.

 

A lot of people seem to mean “very attentive to their partners” when they say “good” and that was the very last thing I wanted.  *shudders*  Leave me alone with the script in my head!

 

One telling episode I never understood until I got here:  ages ago my most recent ex’s therapist (trying to help him with his ED/to “reconnect” with me sexually, which pre-AVEN always felt like a worry he was “catching” from pop media and media-susceptible friends) gave him the homework assignment of talking about our fantasies.  He came home and asked me about mine and I Freaked. Out. (mostly inside/to my friends, although I did cry in front of my partner).  Fantasies are private!!  I don’t share them with anyone I might ever look in the eye!!  Plus, if he is feeling insecure and unadequate now, how is hearing my fantasies in any way going to help him??  Now that I’ve spent some time here, I get it... many people’s fantasies are *about* their partners.  Oops!  “Worst” case, their fantasies are about things they might want to try with their partners.  So by suggesting it his therapist wasn’t really asking me to talk about what *I* was imagining at all... what I was imagining just wasn’t on the therapist’s radar.

 

While I don’t feel any commonality with the things he says about her as a person overall (I’m certainly not someone who goes merrily on with life oblivious to others’ unhappiness), I can totally relate to what Tele’s said about his wife’s views on sex.  I, too, feel like it was one of those things that was fun when I was young and bored and it was “naughty”/something I was arguably not supposed to be doing.  It was fun like concerts and clubs and underage drinking and staying up all night and staggering into class half-alive.  It was part of a role I was trying to play at times in my life, I guess.  I liked the chase, liked being sought after for once following a childhood of bullying. and sometimes sex was the price I had to pay for the thrill of it.

 

None of that rules out someday finding a genuine sex-based or sex-inclusive attachment to someone but I don’t think my friend’s advice of finding a sexual guy on purpose and “keeping up with it” is wise based on my past experience.  Not that it would happen anyway because I’m totally squicked by older guys showing that sort of interest and a strong “ew, get away from me!” vibe is not a man magnet. 😁

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Serran
On 3/13/2019 at 8:16 AM, ryn2 said:

That was definitely true for some of them, Serran.  One guy (the relationship before last) was quite experienced and got generally good reviews, though, as did a couple of other short-term-thing people.

 

A lot of people seem to mean “very attentive to their partners” when they say “good” and that was the very last thing I wanted.  *shudders*  Leave me alone with the script in my head!

 

 

Attentive to needs, imo, makes someone "good". However, attentive to needs means learning what works for your partner. Not trying to give them all the stuff they don't want, cause you think they should. 

 

My ex got "good reviews", afaik. However, he tried to do to me what he did to other people and refused to listen to what I wanted ... because it didn't fit his narrative. My current partner listens to what I want, even if what I want is just to cuddle after she gets her stuff from me. Or do this or that. Or, just give me something to look at while I do this. Or... whatever. It's not a "it has to fit this narrative" thing, it's a "what do you actually want" thing. 

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ryn2
8 hours ago, Serran said:

Attentive to needs, imo, makes someone "good". However, attentive to needs means learning what works for your partner. Not trying to give them all the stuff they don't want, cause you think they should. 

 

My ex got "good reviews", afaik. However, he tried to do to me what he did to other people and refused to listen to what I wanted ... because it didn't fit his narrative. My current partner listens to what I want, even if what I want is just to cuddle after she gets her stuff from me. Or do this or that. Or, just give me something to look at while I do this. Or... whatever. It's not a "it has to fit this narrative" thing, it's a "what do you actually want" thing. 

Oh, agreed, and I totally get that. What I probably should have said is that I hate any focus on me.  I hate insisting the focus is on me and then not listening more, but what I really want is to get it over with with as little attention drawn to or paid me as possible.

 

I realize it’s not impossible that there’s someone out there that I could react to the way you have your partner.  That wasn’t at all what my friend was pushing for, though.  He was basically saying that older sexual men can’t have sex very often so I should be able to tolerate what they need from a partner.  He’s completely  not getting the “wanting to feel wanted” part even though the fact that his wife reacted to his advances with revulsion was a big problem for him.  I think he (1. doesn’t get it and 2.) sees me as someone nice who wouldn’t do that; he doesn’t understand it’s not that simple.

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anisotrophic

@ryn2 sorry I take a while to think about it sometimes!

For all the grousing over definitions, I tend to look to "fantasies" as a defining element in understanding orientation. For my partner, it's simply "none". Anthony Bogaert coined "autochorissexuality" for another category, "third person fantasies".

I'm not sure where "needing to fantasize being someone else" fits in. It seems like it could be like autochorissexuality, but maybe it's a normal sexual thing -- I don't really know -- it's not something I've done, but there's a lot of variety out there.

The way you tell it, though, it doesn't sound like sex was a goal for you, in itself, but rather a scorecard or routine to accomplish within a broader enjoyment. That, coupled with a sense that you had to "channel being someone else" (which sounds dissociative??), doesn't sound like you were interested in sex itself nor experiencing sexual attraction...?

It's hard to sort out what things felt like, many years later, I know. Maybe it doesn't really matter. It sure doesn't sound likely that you'll turn sexual, from what you've laid out here!

Your friend's misunderstanding sounds frustrating. Besides you being repulsed, the idea that you can tolerate performing sexuality to satisfy a partner sounds like it encourages dishonesty, at best -- isn't that just a terrible idea? Maybe he's feeling a bit guilty that you are where you are now, while he's already landed a new relationship.

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ryn2
3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

sorry I take a while to think about it sometimes!

No worries!  It’s been a mess since I was a teen; a few hours won’t matter.  :)

 

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I'm not sure where "needing to fantasize being someone else" fits in.

This tends to be something I do anyway when I’m doing something that bores me, or that I don’t enjoy.  I imagine myself as a character from something I’m reading at the time, e.g., and then kind of make up a story about what the character is doing/thinking/feeling.  I (silently) tell the story to myself as I’m raking or scrubbing or whatnot.

 

I’ve done this since I was a child.

 

I suppose that says a lot of sex is something I find boring or don’t enjoy doing, eh?

 

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

the idea that you can tolerate performing sexuality to satisfy a partner sounds like it encourages dishonesty, at best -- isn't that just a terrible idea?

Yeah, having done this for about 40 years, it seems like a poor approach.  It also seems like an odd thing for someone whose biggest beef with his ex was her dishonesty and her hiding things (not just about sex), which is why it feels like he doesn’t really believe me.

 

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Maybe he's feeling a bit guilty that you are where you are now, while he's already landed a new relationship.

Hm, I hadn’t thought about that but you could be right.  The idea that I might be alone forever seems very upsetting to him.

 

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I tend to look to "fantasies" as a defining element in understanding orientation.

Hm.  While I can’t say I’ve never had a fantasy that involved me, those occasional ones which do 1) are often just me alone with strangers I can’t see watching, 2) have rarely to never involved me doing anything I would want to do/be comfortable doing in real life, 3) rarely involve real people I might have any chance to know (v. celebrities, say,) and 4) as far as I can remember have never once involved my partner-at-the-time.  I never realized any of that was unusual until I came here.

 

In contrast, if I am daydreaming (so, fantasizing but not in a sexual sense) about an upcoming vacation or weekend or something, real life friends and my partner-at-the-time feature prominently.  They also feature in my memories afterwards.

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Sally
On 3/13/2019 at 5:16 AM, ryn2 said:

A lot of people seem to mean “very attentive to their partners” when they say “good” and that was the very last thing I wanted.  *shudders*  Leave me alone with the script in my head!

 

Ha.   As an asexual, I managed to make it to the point where my partner began to not be so--"speedy", shall we say-- and told me that what he now wanted to do was take the time to do just what I wanted him to do.   I thought, "Oh god no", since I didn't really want him to do anything -- just ignore me and get it over with please.  

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ryn2
8 hours ago, Sally said:

Ha.   As an asexual, I managed to make it to the point where my partner began to not be so--"speedy", shall we say-- and told me that what he now wanted to do was take the time to do just what I wanted him to do.   I thought, "Oh god no", since I didn't really want him to do anything -- just ignore me and get it over with please.  

Exactly!  I basically said “I’d really rather focus on what you want” and that went over really badly.  I remember arguing over him being mad that I wasn’t giving the right response to something he was claiming was for me to

start with.

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Fallen Unicorn
On 1/22/2019 at 1:53 AM, Telecaster68 said:

In answer to the post title: no, absolutely not. 

Agreed, my ex told me that she was asexual during the relationship. Even though I knew that I'd never date an asexual on purpose, I tried to make the relationship work. It caused me great anxiety, and it hurt too much to not feel desired in the way I wanted. I broke up with her because I wanted more, and her and her sister are pissed at me now. Like, what did they want me to do, stay in a relationship that was physically hurting me? Idk.

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AspieAlly613

I certainly wouldn't rule it out.  If things don't work out, we can split up.  I'd want to have a talk about what sorts of sexual/erotic repulsions, desires, and possible addictions/dependences would be present.  As long as we could develop a game plan, I wouldn't let the issue get in the way.

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