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For allosexuals: would you be in a relationship with an asexual?


hooray4todd

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I would be with an ace  - if they were OK with a totally celibate (can't do compromise sex, either both want it or no thanks) but affectionate (cuddling, etc) relationship and were not into porn. I really cant be with someone who wont cuddle, or gets off to other people being naked and sexy while not wanting me in any way (just messes with self esteem far too bad to know a partner likes looking at naked photos of everyone else but not my body at all). 

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4 hours ago, Serran said:

I really cant be with someone who wont cuddle, or gets off to other people being naked and sexy while not wanting me in any way (just messes with self esteem far too bad to know a partner likes looking at naked photos of everyone else but not my body at all). 

Porn is an interesting thing to me.  Like for me, personally, it is super primal and has nothing to do with my attachment to my partner.  It's just a tool and nothing more.

 

So from that mindset I can see how an asexual would use porn as a tool to help satiate their libido.

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8 hours ago, xstatic said:

Porn is an interesting thing to me.  Like for me, personally, it is super primal and has nothing to do with my attachment to my partner.  It's just a tool and nothing more.

 

So from that mindset I can see how an asexual would use porn as a tool to help satiate their libido.

I know some (many) aces do, however, if they can feel aroused to the point of orgasm over seeing a hot naked actress and dont want to see me naked... just not going to work for me. I could honestly be satisfied if all my partner wanted was sharing photos, nothing physical. Or nothing at all sexual, period (which, due to my funny libido and desires would mean never having an orgasm again since I can only get there to my partner). But, when it starts involving other people sexually (which, other people filming themselves having sex / masturbating etc counts for me as other people involved in sexual release) while wanting things between us not at all... feels far too much like personal rejection vs general rejection of sex. I spent months in a situation like that once and I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep at the thought of random strangers naked bodies being the only ones my partner cared to see when aroused, or wanting to be aroused. Did not work for me at all. I didnt even want to come out of the shower with them around, felt very gross and unattractive to them and it just made me feel as uncomfy being vulnerable with them as if I was dressing in front of a crowd of strangers. 

 

And, if I am being completely honest, I could see myself desiring validation from other people enjoying sexy photos of me of the kind my partner enjoyed of others if it went on for years. And that would be considered cheating in every relationship I have ever been in. Which, I never will cheat and prefer to avoid any situations that I could see making me desire anything close to it. 

 

Just a big mess of negative feelings I would be wise to avoid.

 

A partner viewing it while also wanting me is hard enough, given I can only be aroused by my partner and can only try to intellectually understand why people need others sexual material to be satisfied. Which, leads to emotionally cant relate and battling feeling sad a partner will never feel about me as I do for them, since im weird and hypermonoamorous by nature while most people are more... open to involving others in their libido needs but emotionally and physically attach to one.

 

Add in a partner not wanting me and... honestly rather be single my whole life. Just cannot handle the mismatch of only can be aroused / get off to them and they can only be aroused / get off to random porn stars. Just too big a difference. 

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@Serran oh hey, everybody has their line in the sand.  And your line is as completely valid as mine.  You are absolutely entitled to these feelings.  

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12 minutes ago, Serran said:

if they can feel aroused to the point of orgasm over seeing a hot naked actress and dont want to see me naked... 

Ah, okay.  I know we’ve talked about this before but reading this I see one distinct difference between my experience and yours/your perceived one.

 

For me watching porn isn’t about getting off on watching a particular actor (or actress).  It’s more like reading erotica; it’s the way the characters appear to be enjoying/turned on by the experience that affects me.

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Yeah, if the acting if awful or one or more parties is not my type physically, that distracts me...  but otherwise I’m not ogling the people, I’m getting caught up in the chemistry between them.

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Just now, ryn2 said:

Ah, okay.  I know we’ve talked about this before but reading this I see one distinct difference between my experience and yours/your perceived one.

 

For me watching porn isn’t about getting off on watching a particular actor (or actress).  It’s more like reading erotica; it’s the way the characters appear to be enjoying/turned on by the experience that affects me.

We have. And I dont think there is too much point discussing it, since we wont ever see it the same. But, for me:

 

If it was how the person was reacting, rather than nothing to do with the person, people wouldn't have favorite actors / actresses... which most people I know do. Partners google these women by name, to find their favorites... not just "insert act and any person works". And most people I know could only watch a fairly attractive person, not someone "not their type" at all. 

 

They even make molds of porn actresses vaginas you can attach to a tablet or phone and simulate being in the film having sex with the ladies. 

 

So to say porn has nothing to do with the people sounds a lot like when aces say "I love sex with specific people, but Im not attracted to them"... I guess to them it makes sense, but its never going to make sense to me. Maybe if I could experience it then maybe I could, but as is, I cant see how the people dont matter if you are googling specific names to find their material. 

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I can’t - and am not trying to - speak for everyone but that’s not at all how I experience or use porn.  For me it’s more like “catching” sexual energy from

two people dancing together near me at a club.  I don’t care who they are, I just like to ride on the strength of their interaction.

 

Again, not trying to say everyone uses porn that way... I just think this is probably why I see it differently than you do; it serves a completely different purpose for me than a partner would, and because I am monoamorous it’s not even a purpose my partner could serve (watching my partner get it on with someone else would upset rather than arouse me).

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1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

 

 

Again, not trying to say everyone uses porn that way... I just think this is probably why I see it differently than you do; it serves a completely different purpose for me than a partner would, and because I am monoamorous it’s not even a purpose my partner could serve (watching my partner get it on with someone else would upset rather than arouse me).

For me, seeing anyone but my partner in a sexual situation is actually a turn off... like if i want to assure no orgasm for a week or more, I can watch porn, because all I can think is "Not the person i want...".  My experiment with exposure therapy on it just made me feel sad and lonely that to me any sexual connection is, well, my therapist described it as sacred (I attempted to fix this part of myself with therapy, because it makes living rather hard if you arent 100% OK with a partner viewing porn and society says you need to be and its kind of a have to be OK with to have a relationship) .. a thing reserved totally for my partner, while to most people its a lot more casual. 

 

I still end up feeling rather disconnected from the world over it, honestly. I would love to be able to view pornhub and enjoy it, rather than being tied just to my partner... because that isnt how most humans work and it being how I work has lead to much, much emotional pain. But, two therapists later, it seems to just be how I function and I end up dealing with it. 

 

But, yeah, that isnt how people I have dated seem to view it anyway. They do things like google Christina Ricci nude photos and get off just looking at those photos. Not really any energy to feed off and linked to a person since they google by name. Makes it hard to view it as nothing to do with attraction to the actress when its literally just staring at her boobs or whatever that brings the orgasm. 

 

And... if someone needs boobs to stare at to get off, I would feel pretty unattractive if mine werent useful for that but Ricci's were. 

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Sounds like (at least from your informal survey) we may both be outliers but just in different ways.

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*shrug* I dont know how the majority of the world views it, just how people I know do. And that it seems weird to say attraction isnt involved when you google the cute girl from that movie you liked, or sexy weather girl you saw on the news, etc. If you take time to memorize the girls full names so you can find them anytime you want to see them naked, it sounds like the actress matters to me. But, that is outsider viewpoint. I will never experience it myself. But, because of that, I will always be at least a little hurt in relationships, since a relationship without porn seems like an impossible goal. 

 

So in reality I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else. But. 😛

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3 minutes ago, Serran said:

*shrug* I dont know how the majority of the world views it, just how people I know do. And that it seems weird to say attraction isnt involved when you google the cute girl from that movie you liked, or sexy weather girl you saw on the news, etc. If you take time to memorize the girls full names so you can find them anytime you want to see them naked, it sounds like the actress matters to me. But, that is outsider viewpoint. I will never experience it myself. But, because of that, I will always be at least a little hurt in relationships, since a relationship without porn seems like an impossible goal. 

 

So in reality I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else. But. 😛

I've never actually tried to Google a specific person or pornstar.  I just search for a category.  The person literally means nothing to me.

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Before he was my ex, the dude I was with once called me up from a convention he was at to excitedly let me know that the biggest convention in the porn industry was happening in the same hotel at the same time, that he had gotten access, and that he was getting ready to meet his two favorite actresses.

 

Yeah, that didn't feel great.

 

(Kind of a non sequitur but just sharing, hehe.)

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1 hour ago, Serran said:

I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else

huh. my partner hasn't consumed porn in... the whole... idk, ~15 years we've been together? I'm sure at some point(s) I floated the idea of looking at it together, and he was uninterested. (I tried many things, over the years.) I thought it was related to being ace.

I think I'd feel the same way @Serran does. Heck, I'd be feeling inadequate even if I were asking for & getting sex -- because the message I'd be hearing (regardless of intent) would be that I'm inadequate in comparison.

I had a couple gay magazines/erotica I got a many years ago [1], but, gosh... if I was horny, I hit on my partner. Or imagined him. I tried online porn this last year trying to distract myself, but ugh, I don't like it.


[1] one could maybe could say "early symptoms of trans-ness", but... it's stupidly easy to make retcon claims like that.

----

 

To answer the OP @hooray4todd ... I'm not sure I would have wittingly chosen to commit to someone that wasn't actually attracted to me (and never would/could be).

BUT...

I'm mostly happy with it now. I still have the intimacy (he's indifferent and agrees to it), and he is romantic, and I can pursue others if I wish ... it's as ideal as it can be, and it's someone who is generally a very good match. So... I like to think maybe I would've said "yes" to it, years ago, even if we'd known.

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9 hours ago, Serran said:

And that it seems weird to say attraction isnt involved when you google the cute girl from that movie you liked, or sexy weather girl you saw on the news, etc.

Oh, agreed.  That just hasn’f been my experience with it.

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9 hours ago, xstatic said:

I've never actually tried to Google a specific person or pornstar.  I just search for a category.  The person literally means nothing to me.

Same.

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On 1/27/2019 at 8:56 AM, Serran said:

So in reality I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else. But. 😛

Now I wonder if I am in minority since I have zero interest in porn. Or even erotic stories/novels. Actually, its not something I actively think of so never occurred to me to ask my ex, or any potential partners. I guess, I would feel like being in an open relationship if my partner liked watching porn. And probably be upset. (Gosh I am so naive :unsure:)

 

Do you think a "won't ask don't tell" policy would have helped you? 

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6 hours ago, Chihiro said:

Now I wonder if I am in minority since I have zero interest in porn. Or even erotic stories/novels. Actually, its not something I actively think of so never occurred to me to ask my ex, or any potential partners. I guess, I would feel like being in an open relationship if my partner liked watching porn. And probably be upset. (Gosh I am so naive :unsure:)

 

Do you think a "won't ask don't tell" policy would have helped you? 

86% of people in the latest survey I read admitted to porn use weekly, 11% refused to answer, 3% said dont use. Most aces I know of use it. Only a couple of people I have talked to dont. 

 

As for dont ask.. given I already know its pretty much a given, not really. Plus, once you live with someone its not easy to not notice. Use their phone to google something and it shows up, grab a picture off their phone and see the stash, they have their google account logged into the shared computer and it shows up if you dont notice and do a search for something (try to search for puppies and get pornhub all over as soon as you press P from recent searches..). Etc, etc. 

 

Plus, it makes me very uncomfy about certain sex acts so if they are using and lie to me about it and I do those acts it ends up feeling gross, like consent was messed with. So, I prefer to just know and not be surprised. 

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7 hours ago, Serran said:

86% of people in the latest survey I read admitted to porn use weekly, 11% refused to answer, 3% said dont use. Most aces I know of use it. Only a couple of people I have talked to dont. 

Sorry for getting side-tracked from the OP but I'd be curious about the survey link regarding porn use for aces.

Because quick googling leads me here, from 2014 with over 200 respondents, which indicates my partner isn't so unusual. 29% of aces report using porn to masturbate. If you take out the people who aren't masturbating at all, that's 39% of ace respondents. Even if you include the "anime as porn" respondents in this, it's 49% -- only half of the ace respondents that masturbate are using porn or fandom images. (Although maybe I've made a math mistake.)
 

 

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3 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Sorry for getting side-tracked from the OP but I'd be curious about the survey link regarding porn use for aces.

Because quick googling leads me here, from 2014 with over 200 respondents, which indicates my partner isn't so unusual. 29% of aces report using porn to masturbate. If you take out the people who aren't masturbating at all, that's 39% of ace respondents. Even if you include the "anime as porn" respondents in this, it's 49% -- only half of the ace respondents that masturbate are using porn or fandom images. (Although maybe I've made a math mistake.)
 

 

Didnt say the survey was about aces, it was a general population survey done by sexologists. Just most aces I know still use porn and its commonly coming up in threads in Q&A, sex talk etc. 

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35 minutes ago, Serran said:

Didnt say the survey was about aces, it was a general population survey done by sexologists.

Color me skeptical.

In data from 2000 and 2004, the General Social Survey included questions about "internet porn site in the last month" and "X-rated movie in the last year". (Not week!) 56% of all men said "none" (no to both), or 33% in the 18 to 25 age range. (That is, 44% of all men and 67% of young men reported using one of the two, in the preceding year.) 77% of all women said "none" and 62% in the 18 to 25 range. (That is, 23% of all women and 38% of young women reported using one of the two, in the preceding year.)

While that's a bit dated, it seems to be way off from what you say you've seen. The GSS is a well-established survey source, even has a Wikipedia page... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Social_Survey

Citation: https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2014.1003773

 

I'd add "you can paste the above into a sci-hub site like sci-hub.tw to get a PDF", but then I'd be advocating something illegal.

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Is getting off topic, but, mods can split it 😛

 

 

2000-2004 is a bit dated. Back then, sites like pornhub didnt exist yet and internet porn was a bit harder. Lots of viruses, bulk downloads on kazaa etc risked having illegal content, high speed internet wasnt as widespread, etc. 

 

Granted, I didnt delve too far into the details of the last survey I saw. It was part of a sexologist article on porn within relationships and whether it is good or bad for a long term relationship. I was given many such articles to read when attempting to overcome not really liking the use partners had of it. Because, its considered normal and healthy part of adult life and just something you deal with in a relationship, so therapy was "see, everyone does it" basically (which I already knew ...). After that it was "well your feelings are valid but you need to learn a way to cope with them because its a thing people do" (which i also already knew...). Therapy to fix it was rather useless, in the end, because they said nothing I didnt already know. Logically knowing things doesnt make them not hurt though, sadly. 

 

But, pornhub is getting 92 million visits every day. That is separate hits - different IPs . In 2018, pornhub alone transferred more data than internet use totaled in 2002 according to traffick statistics. It is the 36th most popular site on the entire net (and mostly beaten by things like reddit, facebook, twitter, google, yahoo, etc.. take those away and it ranks 4th). And it is only one site for it, there are other nearly as popular sites. Plus lots of people who prefer images to video, so use google images instead... 

 

Meaning... porn use has significantly increased in more recent years, since it is so easy to access basically anything you want for free. And without the risks. 

 

Though, as I said I didnt delve into the surveys I was given too closely. I didnt particularly care that much. I know 100% of the people I have dated have used it regularly. 100% of the people I knew in college used it regularly. I only personally know a handful of people who do not use it, even counting aces I have gotten to know. So, when I get into a relationship, I consider porn use as much of a given as sex is to people. As in, dating someone who doesnt partake would be a rarity, rather than an expected norm. And given the popularity of porn threads on AVEN and how many aces I have talked to who use it, I wouldnt change that assumption if I was to date an ace. 

 

And, honestly, I tend to (outside AVEN) keep my feelings about it to myself. I learned mentioning anything but being 100% on board with partners using it for whatever, in whatever way, will get you slammed as hard as the most vile anti-sexual viewpoints will. So I only tell partners / potential partners, since it is a thing they have to deal with (me crying myself to sleep, or not wanting touched sexually, etc if something with it sets me off). 

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@Serran Do you feel bad or guilty for making your partner compromise regarding porn? I assume you guys are compromising since you are married xD

 

For me, if my partner were to say that our relationship is same as the relationship they had with their ex except they now have to give up porn due to me.... I would feel terrible I imagine, I would feel like I am a downgraded partner (In my mind, people upgrade and go for a partner better than their last when they get into new relationship). 

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30 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

Do you feel bad or guilty for making your partner compromise regarding porn? I assume you guys are compromising since you are married xD

I thought Serran said she just wants to know if her partner watches porn, as opposed to them hiding it? I may have missed something though :o

 

I read a study today that was linking sexual dysfunction in men under 40 with the availability of porn on the internet. I can't link as I'm on my phone but it was quite interesting to hear it from a different perspective 

 

I haven't watched porn in a couple of years now, I actually find it all cringe and it's impossible to get off (or even get aroused) when you're cringing so hard your stomach hurts, haha.

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7 hours ago, Chihiro said:

@Serran Do you feel bad or guilty for making your partner compromise regarding porn? I assume you guys are compromising since you are married xD

 

For me, if my partner were to say that our relationship is same as the relationship they had with their ex except they now have to give up porn due to me.... I would feel terrible I imagine, I would feel like I am a downgraded partner (In my mind, people upgrade and go for a partner better than their last when they get into new relationship). 

I dont make my partner compromise. The only thing I ask for is honesty. If I stumble on it and someone says they arent using, then it takes weeks to get any comfort level back. 

 

Well... OK... I will correct that. I did ask they not do it in bed next to me. Cause ew, I cant share a bed that way. Might as well be inviting another woman into our bed for all the discomfort I have with it. 

 

But, because of how hurt I get over it, my wife offered a compromise on her own to try to stop me being so upset. She didnt like me changing in the bathroom, locking the door if I needed to change in the bedroom, moving away whenever she got out her phone (since I kept seeing it by accident), etc. And she says it works for her. But, I do feel a bit guilty she changed anything for me. 

 

But, there are many ways people are different than past partners. She assures me what she gets from me is worth it, so I just have to trust. I have told her if she wants to go back to normal use she just has to tell me. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’m not sure, honestly. I thought I was asexual until my first and only relationship. I wanted an asexual relationship until Splat. Now, that seems like a foreign desire. I wouldn’t want my relationship any different than it is. But if I weren’t with Splat? I have no idea. I don’t know if I would develop sexual attraction/desires. I don’t know if it would be an emotional need or something easily forgotten. I think it would depend on the individual relationship for me and I don’t think I’d be able to answer unless I tried. Maybe I’d be fine, maybe I would feel like it’s lacking. I don’t know.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 1/21/2019 at 6:21 AM, hooray4todd said:

I was wondering if it's possible for "sexuals" to be with a partner who doesn't want sex, or if they'd be unsatisfied.

Yes and no.

 

Yes, obviously, since I am in a relationship with one and very happy and all the trauma of asexuality and what ensued didn't even come close to breaking us up. It is possible. How probable it is? I don't know. There aren't a whole lot of stories of success, though there are quite a few and successful compromises probably never make it to public sight. I guess it depends on how the sexual sees sex as well as other factors. For me, sex isn't an essential thing. I have several conditions that must be met for me to be interested to begin with. In a sexual relationship, I can be hypersexual, but it has a pretty big emotional element and his lack of desire reduced my desire for him as well and thankfully, not our love for each other.

 

This kind of a thing also means that asexuality hit our relationship after we were both deeply in love (he moved in after three years of being together and till then we were long distance, so the sex was for brief periods) and already committed to each other and had a diverse range of levels in the relationship to fall back on beyond the sex.

 

There are also options like an open relationship that can deal with the difference in desire, all other things going well.

 

But if you are talking of a monogamous relationship with an asexual, it is pretty hard to imagine all but the most low libidos being comfortable with that.

 

Understand this, when a sexual says sex isn't a big deal for them, they most likely haven't encountered asexuality and what they really mean is that they don't need frequent (think daily) sex. When they say they are fine with refusals, what they mean is they are fine with individual refusals. Not refusals as a permanent state of the relationship. For most of us, asexuality is about as far off our spectrum of awareness as believing sex is a huge deal for us is for an asexual. 

 

Most sexuals with clear understanding asexuality would likely RUN before they got emotionally invested in the relationship and were headed for brutal compromises. In the sense of evasiveness about a monogamous or primary relationship or offering a platonic friendship while keeping sexual options open. In the sense we understand you as sexual diversity and have no problem with you, but it is our orientation about as much as a heterosexual would be a homosexual's preference.

 

To sexuals, for a long, long time, "don't want to have sex" is not a complete sentence. It is missing details like "don't want to have sex with you" or "don't want to have sex today". "Don't want to have sex" as a permanent state of being makes no sense to us. What about when you get horny and want sex? The idea of never being horny and never wanting sex makes about as much sense as never wanting food. Our instinct will remain to find the conditions you want to have sex in in order to recreate them - because we love you and want to pleasure you.

 

And it is brutal when the other shoe drops. That the sentence was complete. Because a partner not wanting sex effectively becomes a negation of our sexuality for practical purposes. We may want sex, but we have no ethical way to get it. It forces a change in how we identify ourselves sexually itself. And the change is not voluntary. I have remarked often that my sexual orientation now is "partner of an asexual". It is a complete disruption of how we understand love. What do you mean a hug is okay, but getting closer is not? You don't trust me? And so on.

 

While such relationships are possible, clearly, they are never going to be easy and I would recommend a considerable period of talking and testing what works for both before committing to things like marriage, etc.

 

Also, I would recommend always stating upfront that you are asexual.

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I think, I will stay with my ace wife forever. I wouldnt have and will not tick the box saying: sex is not important. 

It is important to me. What would work best is someone, who also thinks sex is important and nice. Frequency and ability is less important.

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brbdogsonfire

Dating an asexual would be hard for nearly any sexual,but it does happen. I am sexual and have been dating an asexual for over 5 years. Communication was hard at first about sex, but it got a lot easier kncewe opened up about it. I don't think either of us are completely happy with our situation sexually, but everything else is pretty ideal in the relationship.

 

It can work but will make hard work and compromise from both parties. 

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