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For allosexuals: would you be in a relationship with an asexual?

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Chimeric
15 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

In answer to the post title: no, absolutely not. 

Wait - aren't you? Or have I completely misunderstood everything about you for the past year. 🤣

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CBC
4 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

Wait - aren't you? Or have I completely misunderstood everything about you for the past year. 🤣

Tele and his wife have been separated for a while now.

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Chimeric
38 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Tele and his wife have been separated for a while now.

Foot + mouth.

 

I'm so sorry, Tele.

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uhtred

"asexual" and "allosexual" cover a lot of range.   I'd think in terms of mismatch.  I think a large sexual mismatch will result in substantially unhappiness for at least one, and usually both people in a relationship.  If the mismatch is large enough, there is no work-around. 

 

Some people who have found themselves in such a mismatched relationship have chosen to stay in it for a variety of (often completely valid) reasons.  I would not ever recommend someone willingly get into a badly mismatched relationship.  

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Telecaster68
8 hours ago, Chimeric said:

Foot + mouth.

 

I'm so sorry, Tele.

Don't be. It happened a few months ago and we're both better for it, and it's perfectly amiable. 

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Telecaster68

Poo. 

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CBC
3 minutes ago, EasternMagic said:

What's that about? I think I might be out of the loop here.

Google is your friend. Although in this case, perhaps a friend that would provide you with fairly off-putting information. It's anything sexual involving faeces. Aka, shit.

 

Edit: Or yes, Tele's very succinct response.

Edited by Ceebs.

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IronHamster
2 minutes ago, EasternMagic said:

What's that about? I think I might be out of the loop here.

Scat play is poop.  Not my kink.  Shitting in each others mouths or on each others faces or chests.  I'll just stop there.  Some people really get into it.  Not me. Consider me an ascatual. 

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1 minute ago, EasternMagic said:

Yes, I know what it is. I just didn't get the reference. What does asexuality have to do with it?

Nothing. IronHamster was just saying it's something else he's not into, one of the others being relationships with asexuals.

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Serran

I would be with an ace  - if they were OK with a totally celibate (can't do compromise sex, either both want it or no thanks) but affectionate (cuddling, etc) relationship and were not into porn. I really cant be with someone who wont cuddle, or gets off to other people being naked and sexy while not wanting me in any way (just messes with self esteem far too bad to know a partner likes looking at naked photos of everyone else but not my body at all). 

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
4 hours ago, Serran said:

I really cant be with someone who wont cuddle, or gets off to other people being naked and sexy while not wanting me in any way (just messes with self esteem far too bad to know a partner likes looking at naked photos of everyone else but not my body at all). 

Porn is an interesting thing to me.  Like for me, personally, it is super primal and has nothing to do with my attachment to my partner.  It's just a tool and nothing more.

 

So from that mindset I can see how an asexual would use porn as a tool to help satiate their libido.

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Serran
8 hours ago, xstatic said:

Porn is an interesting thing to me.  Like for me, personally, it is super primal and has nothing to do with my attachment to my partner.  It's just a tool and nothing more.

 

So from that mindset I can see how an asexual would use porn as a tool to help satiate their libido.

I know some (many) aces do, however, if they can feel aroused to the point of orgasm over seeing a hot naked actress and dont want to see me naked... just not going to work for me. I could honestly be satisfied if all my partner wanted was sharing photos, nothing physical. Or nothing at all sexual, period (which, due to my funny libido and desires would mean never having an orgasm again since I can only get there to my partner). But, when it starts involving other people sexually (which, other people filming themselves having sex / masturbating etc counts for me as other people involved in sexual release) while wanting things between us not at all... feels far too much like personal rejection vs general rejection of sex. I spent months in a situation like that once and I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep at the thought of random strangers naked bodies being the only ones my partner cared to see when aroused, or wanting to be aroused. Did not work for me at all. I didnt even want to come out of the shower with them around, felt very gross and unattractive to them and it just made me feel as uncomfy being vulnerable with them as if I was dressing in front of a crowd of strangers. 

 

And, if I am being completely honest, I could see myself desiring validation from other people enjoying sexy photos of me of the kind my partner enjoyed of others if it went on for years. And that would be considered cheating in every relationship I have ever been in. Which, I never will cheat and prefer to avoid any situations that I could see making me desire anything close to it. 

 

Just a big mess of negative feelings I would be wise to avoid.

 

A partner viewing it while also wanting me is hard enough, given I can only be aroused by my partner and can only try to intellectually understand why people need others sexual material to be satisfied. Which, leads to emotionally cant relate and battling feeling sad a partner will never feel about me as I do for them, since im weird and hypermonoamorous by nature while most people are more... open to involving others in their libido needs but emotionally and physically attach to one.

 

Add in a partner not wanting me and... honestly rather be single my whole life. Just cannot handle the mismatch of only can be aroused / get off to them and they can only be aroused / get off to random porn stars. Just too big a difference. 

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

@Serran oh hey, everybody has their line in the sand.  And your line is as completely valid as mine.  You are absolutely entitled to these feelings.  

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ryn2
12 minutes ago, Serran said:

if they can feel aroused to the point of orgasm over seeing a hot naked actress and dont want to see me naked... 

Ah, okay.  I know we’ve talked about this before but reading this I see one distinct difference between my experience and yours/your perceived one.

 

For me watching porn isn’t about getting off on watching a particular actor (or actress).  It’s more like reading erotica; it’s the way the characters appear to be enjoying/turned on by the experience that affects me.

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1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

For me watching porn isn’t about getting off on watching a particular actor (or actress).  It’s more like reading erotica; it’s the way the characters appear to be enjoying/turned on by the experience that affects me.

That's the way I perceive it as well, yeah. Porn is not actually something I've bothered searching out in a long time, but when I have, it's literally never been about the particulars of the people in it. Well, other than someone I thought was outright ugly would be off-putting.

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ryn2

Yeah, if the acting if awful or one or more parties is not my type physically, that distracts me...  but otherwise I’m not ogling the people, I’m getting caught up in the chemistry between them.

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Serran
Just now, ryn2 said:

Ah, okay.  I know we’ve talked about this before but reading this I see one distinct difference between my experience and yours/your perceived one.

 

For me watching porn isn’t about getting off on watching a particular actor (or actress).  It’s more like reading erotica; it’s the way the characters appear to be enjoying/turned on by the experience that affects me.

We have. And I dont think there is too much point discussing it, since we wont ever see it the same. But, for me:

 

If it was how the person was reacting, rather than nothing to do with the person, people wouldn't have favorite actors / actresses... which most people I know do. Partners google these women by name, to find their favorites... not just "insert act and any person works". And most people I know could only watch a fairly attractive person, not someone "not their type" at all. 

 

They even make molds of porn actresses vaginas you can attach to a tablet or phone and simulate being in the film having sex with the ladies. 

 

So to say porn has nothing to do with the people sounds a lot like when aces say "I love sex with specific people, but Im not attracted to them"... I guess to them it makes sense, but its never going to make sense to me. Maybe if I could experience it then maybe I could, but as is, I cant see how the people dont matter if you are googling specific names to find their material. 

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ryn2

I can’t - and am not trying to - speak for everyone but that’s not at all how I experience or use porn.  For me it’s more like “catching” sexual energy from

two people dancing together near me at a club.  I don’t care who they are, I just like to ride on the strength of their interaction.

 

Again, not trying to say everyone uses porn that way... I just think this is probably why I see it differently than you do; it serves a completely different purpose for me than a partner would, and because I am monoamorous it’s not even a purpose my partner could serve (watching my partner get it on with someone else would upset rather than arouse me).

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Serran
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

 

 

Again, not trying to say everyone uses porn that way... I just think this is probably why I see it differently than you do; it serves a completely different purpose for me than a partner would, and because I am monoamorous it’s not even a purpose my partner could serve (watching my partner get it on with someone else would upset rather than arouse me).

For me, seeing anyone but my partner in a sexual situation is actually a turn off... like if i want to assure no orgasm for a week or more, I can watch porn, because all I can think is "Not the person i want...".  My experiment with exposure therapy on it just made me feel sad and lonely that to me any sexual connection is, well, my therapist described it as sacred (I attempted to fix this part of myself with therapy, because it makes living rather hard if you arent 100% OK with a partner viewing porn and society says you need to be and its kind of a have to be OK with to have a relationship) .. a thing reserved totally for my partner, while to most people its a lot more casual. 

 

I still end up feeling rather disconnected from the world over it, honestly. I would love to be able to view pornhub and enjoy it, rather than being tied just to my partner... because that isnt how most humans work and it being how I work has lead to much, much emotional pain. But, two therapists later, it seems to just be how I function and I end up dealing with it. 

 

But, yeah, that isnt how people I have dated seem to view it anyway. They do things like google Christina Ricci nude photos and get off just looking at those photos. Not really any energy to feed off and linked to a person since they google by name. Makes it hard to view it as nothing to do with attraction to the actress when its literally just staring at her boobs or whatever that brings the orgasm. 

 

And... if someone needs boobs to stare at to get off, I would feel pretty unattractive if mine werent useful for that but Ricci's were. 

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ryn2

Sounds like (at least from your informal survey) we may both be outliers but just in different ways.

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Serran

*shrug* I dont know how the majority of the world views it, just how people I know do. And that it seems weird to say attraction isnt involved when you google the cute girl from that movie you liked, or sexy weather girl you saw on the news, etc. If you take time to memorize the girls full names so you can find them anytime you want to see them naked, it sounds like the actress matters to me. But, that is outsider viewpoint. I will never experience it myself. But, because of that, I will always be at least a little hurt in relationships, since a relationship without porn seems like an impossible goal. 

 

So in reality I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else. But. 😛

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
3 minutes ago, Serran said:

*shrug* I dont know how the majority of the world views it, just how people I know do. And that it seems weird to say attraction isnt involved when you google the cute girl from that movie you liked, or sexy weather girl you saw on the news, etc. If you take time to memorize the girls full names so you can find them anytime you want to see them naked, it sounds like the actress matters to me. But, that is outsider viewpoint. I will never experience it myself. But, because of that, I will always be at least a little hurt in relationships, since a relationship without porn seems like an impossible goal. 

 

So in reality I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else. But. 😛

I've never actually tried to Google a specific person or pornstar.  I just search for a category.  The person literally means nothing to me.

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Chimeric

Before he was my ex, the dude I was with once called me up from a convention he was at to excitedly let me know that the biggest convention in the porn industry was happening in the same hotel at the same time, that he had gotten access, and that he was getting ready to meet his two favorite actresses.

 

Yeah, that didn't feel great.

 

(Kind of a non sequitur but just sharing, hehe.)

Edited by Chimeric

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, Serran said:

I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else

huh. my partner hasn't consumed porn in... the whole... idk, ~15 years we've been together? I'm sure at some point(s) I floated the idea of looking at it together, and he was uninterested. (I tried many things, over the years.) I thought it was related to being ace.

I think I'd feel the same way @Serran does. Heck, I'd be feeling inadequate even if I were asking for & getting sex -- because the message I'd be hearing (regardless of intent) would be that I'm inadequate in comparison.

I had a couple gay magazines/erotica I got a many years ago [1], but, gosh... if I was horny, I hit on my partner. Or imagined him. I tried online porn this last year trying to distract myself, but ugh, I don't like it.


[1] one could maybe could say "early symptoms of trans-ness", but... it's stupidly easy to make retcon claims like that.

----

 

To answer the OP @hooray4todd ... I'm not sure I would have wittingly chosen to commit to someone that wasn't actually attracted to me (and never would/could be).

BUT...

I'm mostly happy with it now. I still have the intimacy (he's indifferent and agrees to it), and he is romantic, and I can pursue others if I wish ... it's as ideal as it can be, and it's someone who is generally a very good match. So... I like to think maybe I would've said "yes" to it, years ago, even if we'd known.

Edited by anisotropic
clarify sentence. :)
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ryn2
9 hours ago, Serran said:

And that it seems weird to say attraction isnt involved when you google the cute girl from that movie you liked, or sexy weather girl you saw on the news, etc.

Oh, agreed.  That just hasn’f been my experience with it.

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ryn2
9 hours ago, xstatic said:

I've never actually tried to Google a specific person or pornstar.  I just search for a category.  The person literally means nothing to me.

Same.

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Chihiro
On 1/27/2019 at 8:56 AM, Serran said:

So in reality I guess my answer is no on the dating an ace, since most use porn just like everyone else. But. 😛

Now I wonder if I am in minority since I have zero interest in porn. Or even erotic stories/novels. Actually, its not something I actively think of so never occurred to me to ask my ex, or any potential partners. I guess, I would feel like being in an open relationship if my partner liked watching porn. And probably be upset. (Gosh I am so naive :unsure:)

 

Do you think a "won't ask don't tell" policy would have helped you? 

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Serran
6 hours ago, Chihiro said:

Now I wonder if I am in minority since I have zero interest in porn. Or even erotic stories/novels. Actually, its not something I actively think of so never occurred to me to ask my ex, or any potential partners. I guess, I would feel like being in an open relationship if my partner liked watching porn. And probably be upset. (Gosh I am so naive :unsure:)

 

Do you think a "won't ask don't tell" policy would have helped you? 

86% of people in the latest survey I read admitted to porn use weekly, 11% refused to answer, 3% said dont use. Most aces I know of use it. Only a couple of people I have talked to dont. 

 

As for dont ask.. given I already know its pretty much a given, not really. Plus, once you live with someone its not easy to not notice. Use their phone to google something and it shows up, grab a picture off their phone and see the stash, they have their google account logged into the shared computer and it shows up if you dont notice and do a search for something (try to search for puppies and get pornhub all over as soon as you press P from recent searches..). Etc, etc. 

 

Plus, it makes me very uncomfy about certain sex acts so if they are using and lie to me about it and I do those acts it ends up feeling gross, like consent was messed with. So, I prefer to just know and not be surprised. 

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anisotrophic
7 hours ago, Serran said:

86% of people in the latest survey I read admitted to porn use weekly, 11% refused to answer, 3% said dont use. Most aces I know of use it. Only a couple of people I have talked to dont. 

Sorry for getting side-tracked from the OP but I'd be curious about the survey link regarding porn use for aces.

Because quick googling leads me here, from 2014 with over 200 respondents, which indicates my partner isn't so unusual. 29% of aces report using porn to masturbate. If you take out the people who aren't masturbating at all, that's 39% of ace respondents. Even if you include the "anime as porn" respondents in this, it's 49% -- only half of the ace respondents that masturbate are using porn or fandom images. (Although maybe I've made a math mistake.)
 

 

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Serran
3 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Sorry for getting side-tracked from the OP but I'd be curious about the survey link regarding porn use for aces.

Because quick googling leads me here, from 2014 with over 200 respondents, which indicates my partner isn't so unusual. 29% of aces report using porn to masturbate. If you take out the people who aren't masturbating at all, that's 39% of ace respondents. Even if you include the "anime as porn" respondents in this, it's 49% -- only half of the ace respondents that masturbate are using porn or fandom images. (Although maybe I've made a math mistake.)
 

 

Didnt say the survey was about aces, it was a general population survey done by sexologists. Just most aces I know still use porn and its commonly coming up in threads in Q&A, sex talk etc. 

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