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hooray4todd

For allosexuals: would you be in a relationship with an asexual?

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hooray4todd

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my asexuality. Since I think I'm bi-romantic, and it's more possible for me to fall for an heterosexual/homosexual instead of an asexual (just because of the numbers of course), I was wondering if it's possible for "sexuals" to be with a partner who doesn't want sex, or if they'd be unsatisfied. It's a tough question, I know, and brutal perhaps, it's just I'm honestly concerned about falling for someone who wouldn't consider me enough just 'cause I can't give them sex. This is also to understand how much sex is important for allosexuals.

 

I don't mean to offend anyone of course, these are just insecurities of mine. Sorry 🙂

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Philip027

It's certainly possible (just because you might feel attraction or want sex does not necessarily mean you need it to feel happy in a relationship) but it's definitely uncommon.

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CBC

At this point, now that I realise what a vital part of connecting with a partner it is for me, most definitely not.

 

And I say that with complete respect for asexuals; it's fine to be who you are and it's fine to not want or have sex. But no, I wouldn't be in a sexless relationship or in a relationship where sex happened but the desire wasn't genuine and mutual. Not maintaining a strong sexual connection with my partner makes me feel like something is wrong within the relationship, it makes me worry about the connection as a whole and about their feelings for me, and it's depressing if it goes on long enough.

 

So no, no I wouldn't. Life is too short to have relationships that are missing vital components.

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Kree_kay

Valid question. And I can offer some insight. 

 

Probably depends on your level of okayness with sex, and the person you are with. I'm in a relationship with an allosexual and we do okay after talking a lot. Since I learned about asexuality, it has made me hyper-aware of how little I care about sex, but I do it for him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

I've also read about some couples having open relationships so the allosexual partner can get that...physical need?

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skullery

The reality is, no one knows how they're going to feel in a year, in five years, in ten years... people think they'll be ok with things that it turns out, they're not so ok with. 

 

Do I think you can find sexuals who will agree to sexless relationships? Yup. Do I think those sexuals will continue to be ok with it indefinitely? Less likely. 

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hooray4todd
2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

At this point, now that I realise what a vital part of connecting with a partner it is for me, most definitely not.

 

And I say that with complete respect for asexuals; it's fine to be who you are and it's fine to not want or have sex. But no, I wouldn't be in a sexless relationship or in a relationship where sex happened but the desire wasn't genuine and mutual. Not maintaining a strong sexual connection with my partner makes me feel like something is wrong within the relationship, it makes me worry about the connection as a whole and about their feelings for me, and it's depressing if it goes on long enough.

 

So no, no I wouldn't. Life is too short to have relationships that are missing vital components.

I still want to believe that love can overcome any kind of difficulties for me, but still I appreciate your honesty and I respect your opinion. Thanks for answering

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CBC

Well there are circumstances where it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, like say my partner became disabled and sex was no longer possible. I would never ever leave someone I loved because of that. But I would not knowingly enter into a relationship with an asexual person, no.

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hooray4todd
3 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

The reality is, no one knows how they're going to feel in a year, in five years, in ten years... people think they'll be ok with things that it turns out, they're not so ok with. 

 

Do I think you can find sexuals who will agree to sexless relationships? Yup. Do I think those sexuals will continue to be ok with it indefinitely? Less likely. 

Less likely it's not a definitely not. So it's certainly something to me. Thanks

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hooray4todd
Just now, Ceebs. said:

Well there are circumstances where it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, like say my partner became disabled and sex was no longer possible. I would never ever leave someone I loved because of that. But I would not knowingly enter into a relationship with an asexual person, no.

Certainly I don't think a heterosexual would randomly get into a relationship with an asexual, 'cause here of course I'm talking about a serious relationship with true love. Where there's no sex, there must be love to connect these two people.

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skullery
Just now, hooray4todd said:

Less likely it's not a definitely not. So it's certainly something to me. Thanks

 

5 minutes ago, hooray4todd said:

I still want to believe that love can overcome any kind of difficulties for me

It's easy to believe love can overcome anything when you're not the one sacrificing. You will be juggling with someone's happiness... yay for you if it works out, but absolutely devastating to them if they end up depressed, feeling rejected and worthless, trying to weigh the pros and cons of cheating on someone they love vs leaving someone they love vs being miserable forever. 

 

I'm not trying to be mean. But you have to keep in mind the balance sheet. 

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hooray4todd
3 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

 

It's easy to believe love can overcome anything when you're not the one sacrificing. You will be juggling with someone's happiness... yay for you if it works out, but absolutely devastating to them if they end up depressed, feeling rejected and worthless, trying to weigh the pros and cons of cheating on someone they love vs leaving someone they love vs being miserable forever. 

 

I'm not trying to be mean. But you have to keep in mind the balance sheet. 

Honestly I'd "sacrifice" my jealousy by letting my hypothetical partner to have sex with others to satisfy their desires. That's all I can do. 

 

Btw on the contrary, you're being honest with me and I appreciate it

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skullery
2 minutes ago, hooray4todd said:

Honestly I'd "sacrifice" my jealousy by letting my hypothetical partner to have sex with others to satisfy their desires. That's all I can do. 

Oh, well that's very helpful! That's not believing that love will conquer all, that's believing that love requires giving people the autonomy to be themselves. That's something worth believing in, I think. 

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CBC
12 minutes ago, Kree_kay said:

I've also read about some couples having open relationships so the allosexual partner can get that...physical need?

That can work for some people, yeah. Can be difficult if you innately connect love and sex, though. You may end up falling for the person you're having sex with, or simply just falling in love with someone else with whom a sexual connection is possible, before any sex even happens, and losing those feelings for your partner. It's hard to keep the two things separate, unless maybe you keep having very casual hookups with randoms.

 

Plus even then, even if the sexual partner is getting sex elsewhere, it's very likely not truly the type of sex that they're wanting.

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hooray4todd
1 minute ago, Skullery Maid said:

Oh, well that's very helpful! That's not believing that love will conquer all, that's believing that love requires giving people the autonomy to be themselves. That's something worth believing in, I think. 

Yeah of course if I had to imagine myself in front of the love of my life, and I knew for sure he loves me, I wouldn't think sex with others would be a problem to me; certainly that wouldn't be a happy thought, but if this is the price to pay for a wonderful relationship with a partner who truly loves me, well I can bear it. (sorry for my grammar, English is not my native language)

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nanogretchen4

Look, as long as you are trying to think positive, why not think positive about your chances of finding another asexual to date? Unless you are genuinely poly and would actually prefer being in a poly relationship over finding one person you are mutually compatible with, that is. If your first choice would be something closer to a traditional marriage, channel that optimism into finding or building an asexual community and look for a partner there.

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hooray4todd
2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

That can work for some people, yeah. Can be difficult if you innately connect love and sex, though. You may end up falling for the person you're having sex with, or simply just falling in love with someone else with whom a sexual connection is possible, before any sex even happens, and losing those feelings for your partner. It's hard to keep the two things separate, unless maybe you keep having very casual hookups with randoms.

 

Plus even then, even if the sexual partner is getting sex elsewhere, it's very likely not truly the type of sex that they're wanting.

That's right, certainly sex is not a random thing, and not everyone is the type of person to have sex with random people. I understand guess. I guess it depends on the person and the relationship, maybe it's too subjective as a thing to talk about it

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hooray4todd
2 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Look, as long as you are trying to think positive, why not think positive about your chances of finding another asexual to date? Unless you are genuinely poly and would actually prefer being in a poly relationship over finding one person you are mutually compatible with, that is. If your first choice would be something closer to a traditional marriage, channel that optimism into finding or building an asexual community and look for a partner there.

Yeah but in fact I never said I'm searching for an allosexual, I just said "If I ended up falling for an allosexual, since love can't be controlled, would it be that impossible or..?"

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Chimeric

I'm sexual and I willingly and eagerly entered into a relationship with an openly ace partner.

 

The caveats are my libido is naturally quite low, so sacrificing sex for the kind of relationship that I have now is not a big sacrifice for me. To me, sex is an important means of communicating love and closeness, but I'm willing to explore other ways of communicating those things (especially since, to my partner, that is adamantly not what sex is, and as long as "sex" doesn't mean "love" to us both, I am not interested in having any). I can't not have love and closeness in a relationship (I would never survive with someone who was aromantic), but I don't need sex to feel those things.

 

We also happen to be outrageously compatible. I don't know if I would be as willing to table my natural desires if he wasn't so worth it for so many other reasons. Important emphasis - this doesn't mean you should actively try to be perfect for your partner, or to try to change yourself in any way. Don't do that, in fact.

 

Since you seem interested in the likelihoods of finding a partner, I would timidly suggest (with exactly 0 data to back me up) you are at least as unlikely to find a sexual partner willing to forego sex as you are to find an asexual partner anywhere other than AVEN. But around these parts, you're much more likely to find an asexual partner, so...

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Look.. honestly, if Tom Hardy decided he was asexual and wanted me to marry him on the condition we never had sex.. I'd still happily accept because the benefits far outweigh the whole 'not having sex' part. :P  I'm also a very weird example of a sexual person though so my opinion probably isn't that valid in this discussion, but yes for the right person I would (I think) completely forgo sexual intimacy as long as they satisfied me emotionally through other means. Like if they were happy to (and actively desired to) massage my feet, say, but no sex ever? Yep I'd be happy for the rest of my life with that. To be honest, I'd feel really lucky haha. 

 

 

''What?? I get to have my feet rubbed and you don't expect sex as a result??? HELL YESSSSS''

 

But again, I probably don't count because I'm a weird example for a sexual. 

 

 

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nanogretchen4

Not looking for an asexual community and thinking of love as an uncontrollable thing that just happens to you is the passive way of looking for a mixed orientation relationship.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
14 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

thinking of love as an uncontrollable thing that just happens to you

Well it actually does happen that way for a lot of people. It's what you choose to do about that which makes the difference
 

32 minutes ago, hooray4todd said:

Yeah but in fact I never said I'm searching for an allosexual, I just said "If I ended up falling for an allosexual, since love can't be controlled, would it be that impossible or..?"

I think as long as you're very, very open with the person and say 'I can't ever want sex with you for my own pleasure' then you've given that person the opportunity to say 'no I don't want a relationship' or 'let's try anyway'. That person could be someone more like @Chimeric in which case you're in luck because Chimeric is awesome :P Or it might be someone who places a lot of importance on sexual intimacy within a relationship and just could not be happy without sex. Either way, it's better to be honest from the get-go, that way no one goes into anything with false hopes. :) 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I'm in a relationship with an asexual and for the most part, I am very very happy.  I think that being very up front about it is important.  Communication is also important.

 

I'm okay with not having sex because I don't really have a problem just taking care of myself, my emotional needs are met, and my physical needs are met by way of touch.  Lots of hand holding, cuddling, hugs and kisses.  That sort of thing.

 

I don't know that it's a thing a lot of people can handle though.

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Lara Black

Hello, @hooray4todd

Well, it depends on so many things…

I mean, too many sexual partners here complain about not being desired even if they get sex from their ace partner but that sex feels mechanical, too much like a chore. And if we don’t get sex at all… well, we’re called “sexuals” for a reason.

Sadly, I’d say that your chances of finding a sexual who doesn’t mind living without sex aren’t much better than finding an ace partner.

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James121
27 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

I’d say that your chances of finding a sexual who doesn’t mind living without sex aren’t much better than finding an ace partner.

I’d agree with this entirely. Sexual people like having sex as part of a loving relationship or for personal pleasure/fun or finally, both!

 

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Human0id

@nanogretchen4


Can I get to know your sex? I am interested in this position from the above statement

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Gardrop Fuat
20 hours ago, Ficto. said:

Look.. honestly, if Tom Hardy decided he was asexual and wanted me to marry him on the condition we never had sex.. I'd still happily accept because the benefits far outweigh the whole 'not having sex' part. :P  I'm also a very weird example of a sexual person though so my opinion probably isn't that valid in this discussion, but yes for the right person I would (I think) completely forgo sexual intimacy as long as they satisfied me emotionally through other means. Like if they were happy to (and actively desired to) massage my feet, say, but no sex ever? Yep I'd be happy for the rest of my life with that. To be honest, I'd feel really lucky haha. 

 

 

''What?? I get to have my feet rubbed and you don't expect sex as a result??? HELL YESSSSS''

 

But again, I probably don't count because I'm a weird example for a sexual. 

 

 

As an asexual with a foot fetish, I know just how weird you feel with that foot thing lol.

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hooray4todd
21 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Not looking for an asexual community and thinking of love as an uncontrollable thing that just happens to you is the passive way of looking for a mixed orientation relationship.

I never said I don't want to look for an asexual btw lmao. You clearly didn't read the entire post and my comments so why commenting on something you don't know? Oh and love is universally an uncontrallable thing. Ever heard about "love is not a choice"?

 

22 hours ago, hooray4todd said:

Since I think I'm bi-romantic, and it's more possible for me to fall for an heterosexual/homosexual instead of an asexual (just because of the numbers of course)

 

21 hours ago, hooray4todd said:

Yeah but in fact I never said I'm searching for an allosexual, I just said "If I ended up falling for an allosexual, since love can't be controlled, would it be that impossible or..?"

And that's at least what you needed to read before giving your opinion, but that's okay

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hooray4todd
15 hours ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, @hooray4todd

Well, it depends on so many things…

I mean, too many sexual partners here complain about not being desired even if they get sex from their ace partner but that sex feels mechanical, too much like a chore. And if we don’t get sex at all… well, we’re called “sexuals” for a reason.

Sadly, I’d say that your chances of finding a sexual who doesn’t mind living without sex aren’t much better than finding an ace partner.

I'm not willingly looking for a heterosexual, I was just questioning myself about a "what if I fell for a heterosexual?". Since heterosexual, homosexuals and bisexuals are numerically more than asexuals, it's more likely to me to fall for an allosexuals 'cause probably in my life I'll meet more allosexuals than asexuals. That's it.

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Telecaster68

In answer to the post title: no, absolutely not. 

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James121
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

In answer to the post title: no, absolutely not. 

You beat me to it. Not by choice.

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