Xstatic Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 So, I've talked a bit about my relationship here and there over the past 4 months, but I have a question that I would love some insight on. I'll preface this with some light background. I've been with my s/o for close to 5 months now. (Though we've been friends for roughly 8 years). Well before we started dating he had come out as demi. Once we actually started dating he told me that he was probably ace. (I have no doubt that he is). I have done an incredible amount of research on everything and I'm almost certain that he is sex repulsed. I haven't used that term directly with him as he is already dealing with a lot and I'm not totally sure he would be ready to accept the term yet. That being said, none of that is a deal breaker for me. As long as I feel love and trust I'm good. Now, on to my current situation. About 4 weeks ago I pushed for a more solid commitment from him. I told him that I wanted to hear him say that he wanted me. And I specifically said that I wasn't talking about sex. I was talking romantically. He flat out told me that he couldn't. He said that he loved me, but that as much as he wants to want me like that, he just can't, yet and he doesn't know if it's just who he is or if it will happen over time. This morning I brought it back up again. I simply asked to revisit the issue and asked where he was at, and if anything has changed. He said that he felt really terrible about being honest with me about it because he knows that it will hurt me. I told him that it would, but that I need him to be honest so that I don't carry false expectations. He told me that he thinks about it all day every day. He told me that it still feels like it's platonic, though very intimately so. He very much cares about how I feel, and that he has no intentions of going anywhere. Since I've been on AVEN I've learned about aromantics (I was unaware of this term before). And I feel like he very well could be aromantic. I asked him if he had ever felt that type of love for another person before and he didn't think so. I wanted to bring up what I have learned about aromantics, but he's already struggling with his self discovery and identity and I'm not sure if it's a good time to address it. If he is, that will be difficult for me to overcome. I will have to self-reflect and evaluate if I can truly be at peace with that long term. Like, I think I can, as long as I can get other emotional needs met, and he does a great job at that. So how do I address this topic without making him feel bad? Do I even address it at all? Do I just give it more time and see what pans out? Have any of you dealt with similar issues in your relationships? Thanks in advance for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 It seems to me that you are with someone who just does not reciprocate any of your feelings beyond friendship. He is not into you sexually or romantically. Therefore, I think you should just accept that your crush on him is unrequited and go back to being friends. Or if necessary take a break from seeing him as often as you used to when you were just friends to give yourself some time to get over or come to terms with the pain of rejection. Friendship is all he actually wants from you or can ever give you. After taking some time to grieve you will someday meet someone who can love you in the same way that you love them. Have a relationship with that person. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 The thing is, that we're both unsure of where things will go. I'm his first relationship and he's in his mid thirties. These are all very new issues and self discoveries for him. I'm a very empathetic and patient person and I am going to stick with him until he figures out what he really wants. Of course he and I know what outcome I would prefer. I know how I feel. And I need to be mentally prepared for whatever happens. After a week of us dating he decided to end it because he was afraid that he couldn't give me enough of himself. Three days later I asked him if he was okay, and he told me that he was horribly depressed and regretting his decision. I bank on that as the defacto that there truly is something there. There is chemistry. I also told him that I would ride this out with him because he's more than worth it. Neither of us are unhappy. Neither of us are interested in not being together. So leaving him is just not on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 1 hour ago, xstatic said: I will have to self-reflect and evaluate if I can truly be at peace with that long term. Like, I think I can, as long as I can get other emotional needs met, and he does a great job at that. How about doing this yourself while he is sorting through his feelings? That way if he ultimately determines that he’s aromantic you will be prepared (and if it turns out he’s demiromantic and does develop romantic feelings for you, it’s a pleasant surprise). That reflection is something you can do without burdening him. You’ll just want to be careful not to promise you’ll be fine with whatever he decides... before you really know you are. Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 My honest opinion on this is simple. 5 months in to this relationship you are having to do extensive research in to understanding him and his position on sex and relationships. I’m not one for beating around bushes so I’ll just go ahead and say, I don’t think this situation has a very good chance of working out long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 2 hours ago, ryn2 said: How about doing this yourself while he is sorting through his feelings? That way if he ultimately determines that he’s aromantic you will be prepared (and if it turns out he’s demiromantic and does develop romantic feelings for you, it’s a pleasant surprise). That reflection is something you can do without burdening him. You’ll just want to be careful not to promise you’ll be fine with whatever he decides... before you really know you are. This is very good advice. As it stands, I'm hopefully optimistic towards demiromantic, but I know that the possibility of aromantic is there. I am trying my best to mentally prepare for the latter. A failed expectation can lead to conflict and heartache. I'm trying to make things expectation free, and just enjoy things as they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 8 minutes ago, James121 said: My honest opinion on this is simple. 5 months in to this relationship you are having to do extensive research in to understanding him and his position on sex and relationships. I’m not one for beating around bushes so I’ll just go ahead and say, I don’t think this situation has a very good chance of working out long term. I actually like learning more about it all. In doing so, I've learned a lot about myself as well. I'm figuring out what is important to me. I'm figuring out my own love language. I'm gaining insight on past relationships of mine and what may have made them unsuccessful. I have zero resentment in any of this. If anything it has given me a lot of personal growth. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 24 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: The word is 'broach'. 🙃 Oops. Corrected. Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 2 minutes ago, xstatic said: I actually like learning more about it all. In doing so, I've learned a lot about myself as well. I'm figuring out what is important to me. I'm figuring out my own love language. I'm gaining insight on past relationships of mine and what may have made them unsuccessful. I have zero resentment in any of this. If anything it has given me a lot of personal growth. Learning about yourself is great and at the risk of second guessing you (you know you way better than me) it just seems like there is already and element of discontent with the relationship from your point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 19, 2019 Author Share Posted January 19, 2019 3 hours ago, James121 said: Learning about yourself is great and at the risk of second guessing you (you know you way better than me) it just seems like there is already and element of discontent with the relationship from your point of view. Discontent isn't the right word. I'm guessing that you made that assumption based on the fact that I pushed for a statement of commitment. I did, and I would love that to happen, but I don't know where we're at unless we have a discussion about it. It's more about knowing where we stand on everything so that we can stay on the same page and I don't expect more than what is there. Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 1 hour ago, xstatic said: Discontent isn't the right word. I'm guessing that you made that assumption based on the fact that I pushed for a statement of commitment. I did, and I would love that to happen, but I don't know where we're at unless we have a discussion about it. It's more about knowing where we stand on everything so that we can stay on the same page and I don't expect more than what is there. I based it on the fact that you are in the early stages of the relationship (5 months), having to ask for commitment, that he is yet to fully discover himself and that you are going to have to evaluate if you can truly be at peace with that long term. Finally I based my assumption on the fact that you are here, asking people how you broach this subject when from what I can see, you have been nothing but accommodating to him and you shouldn’t be made to feel that you can’t bring this up without being concerned he might get upset. Don’t forget that you are important too. It’s a relationship and not the him him him show. Aven likes cake 🍰 It sounds like he wants to eat his cake and still have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 19, 2019 Author Share Posted January 19, 2019 3 hours ago, James121 said: I based it on the fact that you are in the early stages of the relationship (5 months), having to ask for commitment, that he is yet to fully discover himself and that you are going to have to evaluate if you can truly be at peace with that long term. Finally I based my assumption on the fact that you are here, asking people how you broach this subject when from what I can see, you have been nothing but accommodating to him and you shouldn’t be made to feel that you can’t bring this up without being concerned he might get upset. Don’t forget that you are important too. It’s a relationship and not the him him him show. Aven likes cake 🍰 It sounds like he wants to eat his cake and still have it. Hmm, okay. I can see how you could come to that conclusion. Let me try and clear some of this up. I am in no way unhappy in my relationship. My s/o is in no way unhappy with me. He makes that abundantly clear. He compliments me regularly. Like the nicest god damn things anyone has ever said to me. He and I are both loyalists and both empaths to our own detriment. We joke about how we both just obsess over the happiness of the other to the point where it's just stupid. As much as I've put in effort on my end, he has put in equal effort on his end. I come with a LOT of baggage from my previous relationship. I went through a lot of abuse and I have things that happen to me because of it. My brain checked out when I was being mistreated and I have severe memory loss. I randomly have memory unlocks and when I do, those unlocks start to unlock a whole hallway of memories and I wind up feeling scared and overwhelmed and very very sad. He helps me through it. He has told me that no matter what, never go through that alone. Always call him. He has told me that I will never be a burden and I actually believe him. He would never be upset with me for bringing this issue up to him. The reason I haven't is because I worry about him. I'm not worried about me. If I become unhappy, I'll address it. I've learned a lot about boundaries and respecting myself in the last year. It has been a year of introspection, re-evaluation and growth. Anyways, I guess I was just wondering if anyone here had gone through anything similar or if anyone had any advice on how to sensitively bring it up, if at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Well I decided to actually talk to him about it and it went well. I talked to him more about my need for commitment and what that actually meant to me. I talked about the concept of being aromantic and asked him if he thought it was a possibility. He said that he doesn't know what he doesn't know. But that he does want me. He thinks about me when I'm not there, he worries about me. He loves spending time with me, and he does in fact love me very much. So, we still don't know. But at least I received the statement of commitment that I was looking for. That's good enough for me for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 So, I had a really interesting and enlightened? experience last night. I was over at my ex's (our old house) trying to sort through more of our stuff, and I ended up being there really late. I wound up staying the night, and I know it probably sounds super weird to anyone else, but I slept in the same bed as him. It's a king and we don't touch at all if we don't want to. But last night he was trying to get me to spoon with him. I didn't want to. He asked me if I would spoon him a little, and I reluctantly agreed. I went to bed in shorts and a tee shirt and that made me feel more comfortable, but touching him made me feel really weird and uncomfortable. It's not because I hate him, we have a very long history together. But it's because I have zero sexual or romantic attraction to him anymore. Also, Jesus, I felt guilty. So after about ten minutes of that I couldn't take it anymore, and rolled over to the other side of the bed and comfortably went to sleep. But before I actually fell asleep, I thought about my current relationship, and the worries I had about my partner being aromantic. And I feel like there's no way that he could be, because if he felt half as uncomfortable as I did last night, then there is no way that he could fake being as comfortable around me as he is in bed. Yeah.... that's my interesting take away. Link to post Share on other sites
Chihiro Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 My only thought on this matter is- something seems off. And I am basing this simply on my one relationship experience and many friendships which could have turned into relationships but didn't. When I felt like my ex wasn't committed I too talked to them about it, just like you did. And my asexual ex gave me almost the same answer your SO did and even made me believe they were aromantic. And soon after I caught my SO cheating with multiple people, and they were proclaiming love to these people. The point I am saying is, when people are in the unknown, they will tell you the answer that you want to hear, so they don't have to loose you, while they are figuring it out. I too have been unable to commit to some relationships because something felt off. I couldn't place my fingers yet then and no matter how much feelings I had for the person, how good they made me feel I left them (abruptly). It was the best thing I have ever done, because in all these circumstances (I later found out) they were trying to rebound on me. Now I know that some have gone back to their ex, and some rebounded with some other chick. So, when people are unsure its because something they really want isn't there, its just in their gut instincts but they themselves aren't aware of it and aren't able to tell at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 ok, so I would just like to put in here that I am demiromantic (though also most likely also quoiromantic which makes things a bit more difficult). It took around 5 months of my last relationship before I felt it was reasonably likely that feelings were romantic and I was thinking this may possibly work out long term. (Then around 6 -7 months I began to lose that feeling ultimately leading to me ending things around the 8.5 month markbecause i realised it was more QP again). What I am saying is it may be that your partner just takes a long time to develop feelings. However, it may be he never will and I totally understand you have to balance the risk of that against the amount of hurt that will be caused (to either party) by the length of time you stay together to work it out. You may have to put some sort of time limit on it for yourself (or selves) so you are not waiting around for ever. so if he does not have romantic feelings by x months you will be able to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 29, 2019 Author Share Posted January 29, 2019 Last night and this morning we had some more really good conversation about all of this. I'm back on board with my original thought that he is aromantic. But, you know, I'm okay with it. After starting this thread I did a lot more reading about aromantics, and looked for threads posted here by aromantics where they discussed their feelings/stories. I gained some more perspective. Early this morning I was talking about how I love and how being in love makes me feel. I asked him for his thoughts on the matter and he told me that he loves hearing me describe it to him. Because he just feels nothing. So I then went into all the little nuances. He told me again that I'm amazing and that he wishes that he could feel those things. He so badly wants to feel those things. But I told him not to worry about it. I told him that as long as he was loving me in all the ways he can love me, how can I ask for anything more than that from him? We also had some really great dialogue about sex. So, like, I obviously know and understand his aceness. But we got into why he actually doesn't like having sex with me. And it's not because he's sex repulsed. It's because he knows that I don't orgasm from pentrative sex and so he just feels like it's assisted masturbation and that makes him feel like he's using me. We were then able to get into specifics and I think we both learned a few new things about each other. It's interesting. Even though he's ace. Even though he's aro. It's still the most intimate, open and honest relationship I've ever been in. Link to post Share on other sites
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