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How has your life changed since you found out you are Asexual


Gone Boy

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I have only just found out that I am Asexual so it hasn't had enough time to change but it does explain a lot of things for me. Not the first time I have had something to come Out as. Plus I don't see how it would change anything for me if I were to tell anyone I am Asexual.

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It's come with some good and some bad, but overall I think I'm happier. At first, I was a little devastated that I wasn't "normal", couldn't enjoy this thing other people seem to live for, and I figured I'd be alone forever which is not what I wanted. But I was also relieved to see so many people felt exactly like I did and I wasn't alone. Now that it's been several months...maybe years?...since I've found out I'm ace, I'd say I'm in a much, much better place. I'm no longer forcing myself to try to enjoy something I have no interest in, and I found a wonderful also asexual partner. I have felt more of a pressure to come out about my sexuality since I started IDing as ace and I'm more hyper-aware of how other's sexuality is different then my own and sometimes that's alienating. But besides that...overall, I'm much more comfortable with myself, and much happier. 

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7 minutes ago, Violet055 said:

It's come with some good and some bad, but overall I think I'm happier. At first, I was a little devastated that I wasn't "normal", couldn't enjoy this thing other people seem to live for, and I figured I'd be alone forever which is not what I wanted. But I was also relieved to see so many people felt exactly like I did and I wasn't alone. Now that it's been several months...maybe years?...since I've found out I'm ace, I'd say I'm in a much, much better place. I'm no longer forcing myself to try to enjoy something I have no interest in, and I found a wonderful also asexual partner. I have felt more of a pressure to come out about my sexuality since I started IDing as ace and I'm more hyper-aware of how other's sexuality is different then my own and sometimes that's alienating. But besides that...overall, I'm much more comfortable with myself, and much happier. 

Hi Violet055

I am so glad to hear that you have found a partner it takes the pressure off I'm sure.

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Well, I now know a little more about myself, and I have a term for it that I can use to warn potential partners. So that's good.

 

I'm still a little sad, though. It makes it significantly harder to find a compatible person and really messes up my vision of a family in the future.

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On 1/18/2019 at 1:35 PM, Foo Dog said:

Not the first time I have had something to come Out as

What did you come out as previously?

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It just... explains a lot of past stuff, I suppose, why things were the way they were, and it's a bit of a relief, like 'oh, I see now. Okay.' I'm glad there are terms and whatnot so I can explain to future partner(s) too. And friends/whomever else.
It was the same when I learned I have pacc.

Although people would not much react negatively to the last, just the asexual part; and that's why I *haven't* told certain people I am asexual.

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It actually helped my marriage. My wife thought that I just wasn't interested in her anymore, but I was just realizing how awkward it always was for me. I'm gray asexual, and I do enjoy sex to a certain degree, but only certain ways of doing it. I am also not a fan of kissing, and now my wife knows why for that, too. Overall, it's been positive to put a label on things and understand what's going on with myself.

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I understand myself and other people a lot more now... although I'm 54 and I didn't hear about asexuality until I was 30.  I used to think other people were literally crazy, saying this one was "hot" and that one was "sexy", and I was always like, "What?" Now I know they're sexual and I'm not, so, like whatever... now I just realize they're not crazy, they just need something that I don't need.  I see that their being sexual messes with their heads a lot though.  Oh well, glad it's not my problem!

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I knew pretty early on, even if I didn't know it was called asexuality at the time, so I don't think my life changed very much. However it has definitely had an affect on my life when it comes to dating.

 

However I haven't told many people that I am asexual so I'm not sure if things will change then.

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My identity is important to me, so it's imperative that I feel comfortable with myself and the labels I have adopted.  I feel like I have some closure now that I know I'm ace, amongst other things.  I also feel better about the fact I can articulate my identity to other people.  I have more confidence, and I'm no longer uncertain about my attractions or lack thereof.  To me that's worth quite a lot.

 

However, now that I know who I am, I have a hyper-awareness about how I differ from most of society.  That tends to be a bit stressful because I am a very analytical person.  I never know how someone may perceive me and that makes me feel deeply anxious at times.  I'm still partially closeted because I know there are people I shouldn't come out to.  There are people who make me feel unsafe, and I'd rather be safe than be the target of hate crimes/discrimination.

 

All in all I'm extremely glad I've gained this knowledge about myself.  But now it's like.....oh hell.....I can't live freely without fear anymore because ignorance is no longer bliss.  I am now an officially licenced queer in a bigoted cis het society.  Fantastic.  lol

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Fluffy Femme Guy

Relieved.

It explained some feelings and experiences I had in the past.

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1 hour ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

My identity is important to me, so it's imperative that I feel comfortable with myself and the labels I have adopted.  I feel like I have some closure now that I know I'm ace, amongst other things.  I also feel better about the fact I can articulate my identity to other people.  I have more confidence, and I'm no longer uncertain about my attractions or lack thereof.  To me that's worth quite a lot.

 

However, now that I know who I am, I have a hyper-awareness about how I differ from most of society.  That tends to be a bit stressful because I am a very analytical person.  I never know how someone may perceive me and that makes me feel deeply anxious at times.  I'm still partially closeted because I know there are people I shouldn't come out to.  There are people who make me feel unsafe, and I'd rather be safe than be the target of hate crimes/discrimination.

 

All in all I'm extremely glad I've gained this knowledge about myself.  But now it's like.....oh hell.....I can't live freely without fear anymore because ignorance is no longer bliss.  I am now an officially licenced queer in a bigoted cis het society.  Fantastic.  lol

This pretty much sums up my experience too 🙂

 

The only thing I’ll add is that I realised I was biromantic/biaesthetic at the same time, so a change for me is that I now “allow myself” to enjoy occasional attraction to both men & women. Before realising I was asexual I identified as heterosexual, so whilst I don’t think I was necessarily repressing that side of me, I essentially ignored it as it did not compute.

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Coily the Spring Sprite

It hasn't changed all that much since I realized I was likely asexual. Before I felt like I was broken. But after realizing it I'm much more content. Also, I no longer feel pressure to "find the right one" and settle down.

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The only thing that changed was that after learning about asexuality and realizing that I have been a lifelong asexual, I stopped having sex with my partner.   The feelings that had increased over the years -- boredom, physical revulsion, emotional  turmoil, depression at not being able to make myself enjoy it -- made sense, and I just couldn't do it  anymore.  After telling him, we had a difficult period, but he wanted to stay together and we are happy with each other.  But of course, we're considerably older than most mixed couples.  

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Not much honestly. I feel like I'm happier since I understand myself now and will no longer think anything is wrong with me. I struggled a lot as a teenager wondering if something was up with me and I remember sometimes I'd get very sad that I didn't like dating or anyone like the other kids did. In my early college years I didn't know the term asexual, but I knew I was "different" and still had zero interest in dating/romance/etc. After learning about asexuality it cleared up a lot of things for me! Sometimes things feel a little awk, like when I hear people talk about relationships and I have nothing to say in that convo, but there are other things to talk about.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Strange But Not a Stranger

Life itself hasn't changed much, but I did feel a sense of relief once I found out. It explained a lot of things, and it also helped me get rid of the feeling that I was broken or missing out on something. There was a reason why I wasn't into finding a relationship and/or losing my virginity at all.

It took me a long time and a big mistake (a relationship) to figure it all out, even though I had thought about being asexual before. Blah blah blah. I don't want to make this too long. I guess you could say that overall I feel much more at peace with myself nowadays, and that's a good thing.

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For me it was an "ah ha!" moment.  I only found that asexuality was a thing when I was 40.  It helped to explain partly why my marriage failed.  I've never felt a need to come out however, it just put a name to what I have always been.

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3 hours ago, Geek Girl said:

For me it was an "ah ha!" moment.  I only found that asexuality was a thing when I was 40.  It helped to explain partly why my marriage failed.  I've never felt a need to come out however, it just put a name to what I have always been.

Although i only identified as asexual at 38, i kind of wish I'd known about it in my early 20s, think my life would have been slightly different.

 

I can understand the no need to come out though too

 

Btw

 

Also All Hail Megatron

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Did finding out about asexuality change anything? No, not one bit.

 

Did signing up for AVEN change anything? You bet.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 2/7/2019 at 5:47 PM, Fifi123 said:

Life itself hasn't changed much, but I did feel a sense of relief once I found out. It explained a lot of things

So much this!

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

When I realised I am ace, it explained so much that didn't make sense down the years.

I wouldn't change a thing though... I only have my lovely daughter because I was 'trying to go straight' for a couple of years!😊

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On 1/20/2019 at 11:42 PM, Ilovecake said:

How has my life changed? Well it hasn’t really. Thankfully everyone I’ve told has been understanding and accepting and it’s made things so much easier. Of course their is still a large degree of confusion among people as to what being asexual actually means.

Sounds like my experience too.

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On 2/7/2019 at 6:47 PM, Fifi123 said:

Life itself hasn't changed much, but I did feel a sense of relief once I found out. It explained a lot of things. There was a reason why I wasn't into finding a relationship and/or losing my virginity at all.

 

I guess you could say that overall I feel much more at peace with myself nowadays, and that's a good thing.

 

14 hours ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

So much this!

Great posts and reflects my life since I identified as asexual.

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It explained things, and since I immediately signed in to AVEN and found others like me, and told my partner (and haven't had sex since), I was quite relieved.  

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Sage Raven Domino

The discovery of my aromanticism has prompted me to adjust my life plan - now I'm going to move to a smaller dwelling and eventually enter self-funded retirement much sooner than I could afford otherwise. The negative effect of this adjustment is that I now have a hard time motivating myself to succeed professionally.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have just recently come to understand that I am Asexual. At 45, I finally understand myself and why I never actually desired sex. I haven't been in a relationship for almost 15 years and have no desire for a romantic relationship. Companionship and friendships, yes, romantic no. I don't feel that this realization will change my life much other than having a greater understanding of myself. I am happy with who I am and where I am at this point in my life. 

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1 hour ago, TAF said:

I have just recently come to understand that I am Asexual. At 45, I finally understand myself and why I never actually desired sex. I haven't been in a relationship for almost 15 years and have no desire for a romantic relationship. Companionship and friendships, yes, romantic no. I don't feel that this realization will change my life much other than having a greater understanding of myself. I am happy with who I am and where I am at this point in my life. 

@TAF Welcome to AVEN :cake: 

 

On the bold, that's pretty much how I felt when I found out about asexuality (when I was 44).

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I think others here have pretty much said most of it for me, but I'll take a stab at this:

  • It's confused the heck out of me, first and foremost
  • To use the old cliche: I always knew that I was different somehow, but I never would have guessed that it had anything to do with my orientation until I actually sat down and did some research on the different types of attraction
  • It's caused me to start reevaluating what it is that I want out of life/trying to adjust my life plans accordingly
  • I feel like less of an impostor now for participating in pride events, lol
  • On 1/18/2019 at 6:23 AM, Violet055 said:

    I have felt more of a pressure to come out about my sexuality since I started IDing as ace and I'm more hyper-aware of how other's sexuality is different then my own and sometimes that's alienating. But besides that...overall, I'm much more comfortable with myself, and much happier. 

     

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Outwardly my life hasn't changed at all. I am still, and will continue to be, one of the few token singles in a rather conservative minded semi-rural area. I'll still be the third person uncomfortably tacked onto a couple. If there is another single at a gathering, everyone will still think there is a potential 'match up', no matter how uncomfortable everyone is with the idea. Which means that I am sometimes passed over because I'm not part of a couple.

 

I relate to all the posts before mine. I came late in life to my recognition that I am asexual (late 50s) but it took a major reinvention when I retired for me to accept myself completely. I retired 3 years ago and proceeded to drown myself in alcohol and then, I'm not sure how, came to and called a crisis hotline.  When I think back to how I was then, I know I will never be that way again.  

 

Being ace is part of my reinvention, or more correctly, my acceptance. Having found AVEN again - that's where the path of crumbs led me when I first researched asexuality - I now feel at home. And I am so relieved and grateful.

 

I felt a need to come out, so I did to a friend whom I've known since high school. And she looked at me like I had just been beamed down. So that was the end of that:  if someone who has known me that long and put up with all the relationship failures, depression etc etc reacts that way, no one really needs to know. Or so I thought.

 

Yesterday I was thinking about a friend I had when I lived out west. I ran away as I am wont to do (another topic...) and broke her heart. I am not gay, but we were so very close. I knew she wanted more and she hated me when I moved back east. I had a good cry a couple of days ago when I thought of her. So I sat down and wrote her a coming out letter; she is one of the important people who needs to know what I have discovered. I was able to explain what I never could before, and now I feel peaceful. Maybe I'll never hear from her again, but I think I did the right thing.  I do have one other friend who needs to know, but right now I don't have the nerve, and I may never ... but that is a story for another day.

 

Thanks for listening, all.

 

 

 

 

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30 minutes ago, AllThisTime said:

Outwardly my life hasn't changed at all. I am still, and will continue to be, one of the few token singles. . .

  

Thanks for listening, all.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing your heart felt sentiments. I too experienced a difficulty with soaking myself with alcohol, and was lucky enough to quit drinking. That was 25 years ago. I have also managed, one way or the another, to pull away from really nice people. I don't know that you have to let others know of your own struggles and issues with (a)sexuality. But if you believe it to be cathartic, then go for it!  

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