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Gone Boy

How has your life changed since you found out you are Asexual

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Gone Boy

I have only just found out that I am Asexual so it hasn't had enough time to change but it does explain a lot of things for me. Not the first time I have had something to come Out as. Plus I don't see how it would change anything for me if I were to tell anyone I am Asexual.

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Violet055

It's come with some good and some bad, but overall I think I'm happier. At first, I was a little devastated that I wasn't "normal", couldn't enjoy this thing other people seem to live for, and I figured I'd be alone forever which is not what I wanted. But I was also relieved to see so many people felt exactly like I did and I wasn't alone. Now that it's been several months...maybe years?...since I've found out I'm ace, I'd say I'm in a much, much better place. I'm no longer forcing myself to try to enjoy something I have no interest in, and I found a wonderful also asexual partner. I have felt more of a pressure to come out about my sexuality since I started IDing as ace and I'm more hyper-aware of how other's sexuality is different then my own and sometimes that's alienating. But besides that...overall, I'm much more comfortable with myself, and much happier. 

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Gone Boy
7 minutes ago, Violet055 said:

It's come with some good and some bad, but overall I think I'm happier. At first, I was a little devastated that I wasn't "normal", couldn't enjoy this thing other people seem to live for, and I figured I'd be alone forever which is not what I wanted. But I was also relieved to see so many people felt exactly like I did and I wasn't alone. Now that it's been several months...maybe years?...since I've found out I'm ace, I'd say I'm in a much, much better place. I'm no longer forcing myself to try to enjoy something I have no interest in, and I found a wonderful also asexual partner. I have felt more of a pressure to come out about my sexuality since I started IDing as ace and I'm more hyper-aware of how other's sexuality is different then my own and sometimes that's alienating. But besides that...overall, I'm much more comfortable with myself, and much happier. 

Hi Violet055

I am so glad to hear that you have found a partner it takes the pressure off I'm sure.

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Grimalkin

Well, I now know a little more about myself, and I have a term for it that I can use to warn potential partners. So that's good.

 

I'm still a little sad, though. It makes it significantly harder to find a compatible person and really messes up my vision of a family in the future.

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James121
On 1/18/2019 at 1:35 PM, Foo Dog said:

Not the first time I have had something to come Out as

What did you come out as previously?

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Shiloh_Rose

It just... explains a lot of past stuff, I suppose, why things were the way they were, and it's a bit of a relief, like 'oh, I see now. Okay.' I'm glad there are terms and whatnot so I can explain to future partner(s) too. And friends/whomever else.
It was the same when I learned I have pacc.

Although people would not much react negatively to the last, just the asexual part; and that's why I *haven't* told certain people I am asexual.

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Spotastic

It actually helped my marriage. My wife thought that I just wasn't interested in her anymore, but I was just realizing how awkward it always was for me. I'm gray asexual, and I do enjoy sex to a certain degree, but only certain ways of doing it. I am also not a fan of kissing, and now my wife knows why for that, too. Overall, it's been positive to put a label on things and understand what's going on with myself.

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thylacine

I understand myself and other people a lot more now... although I'm 54 and I didn't hear about asexuality until I was 30.  I used to think other people were literally crazy, saying this one was "hot" and that one was "sexy", and I was always like, "What?" Now I know they're sexual and I'm not, so, like whatever... now I just realize they're not crazy, they just need something that I don't need.  I see that their being sexual messes with their heads a lot though.  Oh well, glad it's not my problem!

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Ilovecake

How has my life changed? Well it hasn’t really. Thankfully everyone I’ve told has been understanding and accepting and it’s made things so much easier. Of course their is still a large degree of confusion among people as to what being asexual actually means.

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Simplefun

I knew pretty early on, even if I didn't know it was called asexuality at the time, so I don't think my life changed very much. However it has definitely had an affect on my life when it comes to dating.

 

However I haven't told many people that I am asexual so I'm not sure if things will change then.

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General

My identity is important to me, so it's imperative that I feel comfortable with myself and the labels I have adopted.  I feel like I have some closure now that I know I'm ace, amongst other things.  I also feel better about the fact I can articulate my identity to other people.  I have more confidence, and I'm no longer uncertain about my attractions or lack thereof.  To me that's worth quite a lot.

 

However, now that I know who I am, I have a hyper-awareness about how I differ from most of society.  That tends to be a bit stressful because I am a very analytical person.  I never know how someone may perceive me and that makes me feel deeply anxious at times.  I'm still partially closeted because I know there are people I shouldn't come out to.  There are people who make me feel unsafe, and I'd rather be safe than be the target of hate crimes/discrimination.

 

All in all I'm extremely glad I've gained this knowledge about myself.  But now it's like.....oh hell.....I can't live freely without fear anymore because ignorance is no longer bliss.  I am now an officially licenced queer in a bigoted cis het society.  Fantastic.  lol

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Fluffy Femme Guy

Relieved.

It explained some feelings and experiences I had in the past.

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TrippleL
1 hour ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

My identity is important to me, so it's imperative that I feel comfortable with myself and the labels I have adopted.  I feel like I have some closure now that I know I'm ace, amongst other things.  I also feel better about the fact I can articulate my identity to other people.  I have more confidence, and I'm no longer uncertain about my attractions or lack thereof.  To me that's worth quite a lot.

 

However, now that I know who I am, I have a hyper-awareness about how I differ from most of society.  That tends to be a bit stressful because I am a very analytical person.  I never know how someone may perceive me and that makes me feel deeply anxious at times.  I'm still partially closeted because I know there are people I shouldn't come out to.  There are people who make me feel unsafe, and I'd rather be safe than be the target of hate crimes/discrimination.

 

All in all I'm extremely glad I've gained this knowledge about myself.  But now it's like.....oh hell.....I can't live freely without fear anymore because ignorance is no longer bliss.  I am now an officially licenced queer in a bigoted cis het society.  Fantastic.  lol

This pretty much sums up my experience too 🙂

 

The only thing I’ll add is that I realised I was biromantic/biaesthetic at the same time, so a change for me is that I now “allow myself” to enjoy occasional attraction to both men & women. Before realising I was asexual I identified as heterosexual, so whilst I don’t think I was necessarily repressing that side of me, I essentially ignored it as it did not compute.

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Coily the Spring Sprite

It hasn't changed all that much since I realized I was likely asexual. Before I felt like I was broken. But after realizing it I'm much more content. Also, I no longer feel pressure to "find the right one" and settle down.

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Sally

The only thing that changed was that after learning about asexuality and realizing that I have been a lifelong asexual, I stopped having sex with my partner.   The feelings that had increased over the years -- boredom, physical revulsion, emotional  turmoil, depression at not being able to make myself enjoy it -- made sense, and I just couldn't do it  anymore.  After telling him, we had a difficult period, but he wanted to stay together and we are happy with each other.  But of course, we're considerably older than most mixed couples.  

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Strifed

Not much honestly. I feel like I'm happier since I understand myself now and will no longer think anything is wrong with me. I struggled a lot as a teenager wondering if something was up with me and I remember sometimes I'd get very sad that I didn't like dating or anyone like the other kids did. In my early college years I didn't know the term asexual, but I knew I was "different" and still had zero interest in dating/romance/etc. After learning about asexuality it cleared up a lot of things for me! Sometimes things feel a little awk, like when I hear people talk about relationships and I have nothing to say in that convo, but there are other things to talk about.

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Strange But Not a Stranger

Life itself hasn't changed much, but I did feel a sense of relief once I found out. It explained a lot of things, and it also helped me get rid of the feeling that I was broken or missing out on something. There was a reason why I wasn't into finding a relationship and/or losing my virginity at all.

It took me a long time and a big mistake (a relationship) to figure it all out, even though I had thought about being asexual before. Blah blah blah. I don't want to make this too long. I guess you could say that overall I feel much more at peace with myself nowadays, and that's a good thing.

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Geek Girl

For me it was an "ah ha!" moment.  I only found that asexuality was a thing when I was 40.  It helped to explain partly why my marriage failed.  I've never felt a need to come out however, it just put a name to what I have always been.

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AndrewT
3 hours ago, Geek Girl said:

For me it was an "ah ha!" moment.  I only found that asexuality was a thing when I was 40.  It helped to explain partly why my marriage failed.  I've never felt a need to come out however, it just put a name to what I have always been.

Although i only identified as asexual at 38, i kind of wish I'd known about it in my early 20s, think my life would have been slightly different.

 

I can understand the no need to come out though too

 

Btw

 

Also All Hail Megatron

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Homer

Did finding out about asexuality change anything? No, not one bit.

 

Did signing up for AVEN change anything? You bet.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 2/7/2019 at 5:47 PM, Fifi123 said:

Life itself hasn't changed much, but I did feel a sense of relief once I found out. It explained a lot of things

So much this!

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

When I realised I am ace, it explained so much that didn't make sense down the years.

I wouldn't change a thing though... I only have my lovely daughter because I was 'trying to go straight' for a couple of years!😊

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will123
On 1/20/2019 at 11:42 PM, Ilovecake said:

How has my life changed? Well it hasn’t really. Thankfully everyone I’ve told has been understanding and accepting and it’s made things so much easier. Of course their is still a large degree of confusion among people as to what being asexual actually means.

Sounds like my experience too.

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will123
On 2/7/2019 at 6:47 PM, Fifi123 said:

Life itself hasn't changed much, but I did feel a sense of relief once I found out. It explained a lot of things. There was a reason why I wasn't into finding a relationship and/or losing my virginity at all.

 

I guess you could say that overall I feel much more at peace with myself nowadays, and that's a good thing.

 

14 hours ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

So much this!

Great posts and reflects my life since I identified as asexual.

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Sally

It explained things, and since I immediately signed in to AVEN and found others like me, and told my partner (and haven't had sex since), I was quite relieved.  

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Sage Raven Domino

The discovery of my aromanticism has prompted me to adjust my life plan - now I'm going to move to a smaller dwelling and eventually enter self-funded retirement much sooner than I could afford otherwise. The negative effect of this adjustment is that I now have a hard time motivating myself to succeed professionally.

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TAF

I have just recently come to understand that I am Asexual. At 45, I finally understand myself and why I never actually desired sex. I haven't been in a relationship for almost 15 years and have no desire for a romantic relationship. Companionship and friendships, yes, romantic no. I don't feel that this realization will change my life much other than having a greater understanding of myself. I am happy with who I am and where I am at this point in my life. 

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will123
1 hour ago, TAF said:

I have just recently come to understand that I am Asexual. At 45, I finally understand myself and why I never actually desired sex. I haven't been in a relationship for almost 15 years and have no desire for a romantic relationship. Companionship and friendships, yes, romantic no. I don't feel that this realization will change my life much other than having a greater understanding of myself. I am happy with who I am and where I am at this point in my life. 

@TAF Welcome to AVEN :cake: 

 

On the bold, that's pretty much how I felt when I found out about asexuality (when I was 44).

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Barbio

I think others here have pretty much said most of it for me, but I'll take a stab at this:

  • It's confused the heck out of me, first and foremost
  • To use the old cliche: I always knew that I was different somehow, but I never would have guessed that it had anything to do with my orientation until I actually sat down and did some research on the different types of attraction
  • It's caused me to start reevaluating what it is that I want out of life/trying to adjust my life plans accordingly
  • I feel like less of an impostor now for participating in pride events, lol
  • On 1/18/2019 at 6:23 AM, Violet055 said:

    I have felt more of a pressure to come out about my sexuality since I started IDing as ace and I'm more hyper-aware of how other's sexuality is different then my own and sometimes that's alienating. But besides that...overall, I'm much more comfortable with myself, and much happier. 

     

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AllThisTime

Outwardly my life hasn't changed at all. I am still, and will continue to be, one of the few token singles in a rather conservative minded semi-rural area. I'll still be the third person uncomfortably tacked onto a couple. If there is another single at a gathering, everyone will still think there is a potential 'match up', no matter how uncomfortable everyone is with the idea. Which means that I am sometimes passed over because I'm not part of a couple.

 

I relate to all the posts before mine. I came late in life to my recognition that I am asexual (late 50s) but it took a major reinvention when I retired for me to accept myself completely. I retired 3 years ago and proceeded to drown myself in alcohol and then, I'm not sure how, came to and called a crisis hotline.  When I think back to how I was then, I know I will never be that way again.  

 

Being ace is part of my reinvention, or more correctly, my acceptance. Having found AVEN again - that's where the path of crumbs led me when I first researched asexuality - I now feel at home. And I am so relieved and grateful.

 

I felt a need to come out, so I did to a friend whom I've known since high school. And she looked at me like I had just been beamed down. So that was the end of that:  if someone who has known me that long and put up with all the relationship failures, depression etc etc reacts that way, no one really needs to know. Or so I thought.

 

Yesterday I was thinking about a friend I had when I lived out west. I ran away as I am wont to do (another topic...) and broke her heart. I am not gay, but we were so very close. I knew she wanted more and she hated me when I moved back east. I had a good cry a couple of days ago when I thought of her. So I sat down and wrote her a coming out letter; she is one of the important people who needs to know what I have discovered. I was able to explain what I never could before, and now I feel peaceful. Maybe I'll never hear from her again, but I think I did the right thing.  I do have one other friend who needs to know, but right now I don't have the nerve, and I may never ... but that is a story for another day.

 

Thanks for listening, all.

 

 

 

 

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