Sadwife1 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 When I first met my husband a decade ago we had a wonderful and very full sex life. Since then it dwindled. My husband was definitely attracted to me and it would appear others (since I discovered he cheated on me twice). We moved past the cheating and got married. When I was pregnant I caught him masturbating to porn on his phone but I couldn’t see exactly what he was looking at as he quickly hid it. He acted embarrassed he had been caught. He is in a really stressful job and barely has any time for his family. I am a very emotional person who is easily able to express how I feel whereas he never expresss his feelings unless it’s anger. Today he admitted that whilst he does find me beautiful and good looking he doesn’t feel sexual attraction at all. He said it’s not that he doesn’t fancy me he just doesn’t feel sexual. He says he doesn’t masturbate. Is it possible he’s just so stressed by work etc that he is just not in the right space to be sexual or is it possible he’s asexual? My head is a mess right now and I’m wondering if he is asexual how it is possible we had sex so frequently when we first met? I imagined asexuality to be part of who someone is not something someone can become? Any advice would be so appreciated thank you Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Short answer: almost certainly he's not asexual. Instead that sounds a lot more like an acquired and temporary HSDD. While sexual orientation isn't exactly set in stone for all eternity, it's still something that is in someone's nature and as you said you don't become a sexual orientation (in this case asexual). So no, he doesn't at all sound like asexual to me from your account, but it's worth noting that at the end of the day only they can know what's in their heart. Cheating on you twice, and having had a fulfilling sex life however are pretty big flags that this person isn't asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 He doesn't sound asexual - unless he was just having sex early on the relationship to keep you happy and to get you pregnant. It happens, but not the way I would bet. Some thoughts: Did the decline in interest happen when you were pregnant / had a child? Some men have a real psychological hang-up about the mother / lover duality. Its not intentional, but an involuntary irrational response. If that is the case for him, therapy might make sense. Porn can be addictive - even to people who have a willing sex partner. Like many other additions it can creep up on people and they may not realize what has happened. It starts as just a quick masturbation aid, but the positive reinforcement makes it more and more common. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Winged Whisperer Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 5 minutes ago, uhtred said: unless he was just having sex early on the relationship to keep you happy and to get you pregnant. It happens, but not the way I would bet. Emphasis on the "but not the way I would bet". Sex to keep a partner happy can hardly be described as wonderful and full. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sadwife1 Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 Thanks for your replies I think his parents are quite repressed and he seems to find it very difficult to talk about sex I’m wondering if partly due to his upbringing. When he cheated on me I found some very sexual texts and emails but he denied they ever had sex and still denies it to this day which would make me his only sexual partner. I’m not sure I believe him but maybe it’s true. We suffered an early miscarriage which we blamed having sex the night before on even though realistically we know this did not cause it. As such in my second pregnancy during which I also suffered bleeding we didn’t have sex. However I do feel our sex life started to dwindle when we first lived together 3 years in and we didn’t have our miscarriage until 9 years into our relationship. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sadwife1 Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 9 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said: Emphasis on the "but not the way I would bet". Sex to keep a partner happy can hardly be described as wonderful and full. When I say wonderful and full at least I hope it was for him too. We would only see each other on the weekends and be very active but in the past 2 years this has diminished to just twice. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Its difficult to tell from a distance of course. Do you think he enjoyed sex in the past or (in retrospect) do you think he was doing it for you, or sort-of faking his interest for some reason? When you do have sex, does he like a lot of variety - or does he seem to want to do the one or two things that "work"? What has your attitude toward him been as far as porn goes. Do you think he could admit porn use, or is it something he would feel he had to hide? Has he tried to get you to watch? Just trying to get a feel for his attitudes. What really matters though is whether things can be improved to where you can be happy Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sadwife1 Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 He isn’t very experimental which I put down to lack of ability to communicate about sex. He has seemed to enjoy it in the past. I feel he would know I would be open to porn etc but that he wouldn’t feel able to express that even if he wanted it because of his lack of communication around sex intimacy or emotions. I'm not sure - I keep thinking things will “get better” but without him communicating with me I don’t foresee they ever will Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsexual Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 . Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Here's the thing. Your husband is known to be an untrustworthy person. He got caught cheating on you twice. From this we learn that he did not sincerely mend his ways after he got caught the first time, and I think if he got caught twice there is a high probability that he actually did it many more times without getting caught. You caught him masturbating to porn and yet he had the audacity to tell you that he doesn't masturbate, so obviously he's a shameless liar. I doubt he's asexual, but it seems like for some reason he wants you to think he is. It's probably a cover story for something else. It could be yet another affair, or he could have a fetish or a kink he doesn't want you to know about. Maybe he only wants casual sex with strangers, not with a longterm partner. There's not much point in trying to talk to him about his orientation since there's no reason to trust anything he says. And really, even if he were asexual, why should that be your problem? You should leave him either way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sadwife1 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 On 1/17/2019 at 11:05 AM, Telecaster68 said: This sounds similar to my (now ex) marriage. Initially, sex was plentiful and my wife gave every appearance of enjoying it (including telling her mother how good it was... ewww), but then it tailed off in about three years. I put up with it for ages - like you, we had miscarriages and other life events which were plausible explanations for why she didn't want sex just then. Eventually, like at least ten years later, the penny dropped with me that this just then misery was never going to end, and I initiated a series of painful conversations about sex that she endlessly tried to avoid, and was evasive. However, I managed to extract from her, in fragments over months, that she would be quite happy to never have sex with anyone again, didn't attach any emotional weight to it and it was 'just something we used to do, like going to clubs'. Yes, she'd enjoyed it but to her it was like masturbating using someone else's body, and that I liked sex was just a happy coincidence. So when she got a bit older and didn't want sex any more, she didn't see the problem for our relationship. The fact that I did made no impression on her, and while she made a few half hearted efforts to have sex it was like she'd entirely forgotten the point and needed detailed instructions (like putting up flatpack furniture level). There was no passion, no interest, and she had no desire to change. I think you should start figuring out a way to get out of the relationship immediately. Thanks for your reply and sorry to hear what happened in your relationship. Sorry late replying to messages I hadn’t realised anyone else had replied! Since last week my husband has admitted he doesn’t really experience any emotions but anger and stress. It’s been a very upsetting week. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sadwife1 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 On 1/17/2019 at 4:28 PM, nanogretchen4 said: Here's the thing. Your husband is known to be an untrustworthy person. He got caught cheating on you twice. From this we learn that he did not sincerely mend his ways after he got caught the first time, and I think if he got caught twice there is a high probability that he actually did it many more times without getting caught. You caught him masturbating to porn and yet he had the audacity to tell you that he doesn't masturbate, so obviously he's a shameless liar. I doubt he's asexual, but it seems like for some reason he wants you to think he is. It's probably a cover story for something else. It could be yet another affair, or he could have a fetish or a kink he doesn't want you to know about. Maybe he only wants casual sex with strangers, not with a longterm partner. There's not much point in trying to talk to him about his orientation since there's no reason to trust anything he says. And really, even if he were asexual, why should that be your problem? You should leave him either way. Thanks for your response. I should clarify that he hasn’t (to my knowledge) lied about masturbating - he didn’t deny he did and used to but says he has had no desire to for quite some time. Is there something(s) which make you think he isn’t asexual besides previous cheating? I have a child with him and want to feel sure of any decisions I/we make which may impact my sons future with us separately or as a couple before they are made Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sadwife1 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 Thank you for your response - what sort of other scenarios do you think it could be? I’m as certain as I can possibly be that he’s not having an affair at least in person (he literally has zero time unaccounted for) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 If he’s not able to experience emotions besides anger and stress, that could certainly interfere with his libido/sex drive (and therefore put a stop to both partnered sex and masturbation). Has he tried addressing this (the narrowed, unpleasant emotional range) in counseling? If he’s generally unhappy and unable to feel things like joy and love that’s going to sharply limit his ability to participate in a relationship in any way... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 12 hours ago, Sadwife1 said: Thank you for your response - what sort of other scenarios do you think it could be? I’m as certain as I can possibly be that he’s not having an affair at least in person (he literally has zero time unaccounted for) Were his prior affairs emotional affairs (as far as you know)? I thought you mentioned potentially being his only sexual partner... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WoodwindWhistler Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 He sounds like he has a lot of internalized shame about masturbation, possibly in denial. You clearly caught him masturbating, so he does do it. And even among asexual people, total abstention from ANY masturbation is rare. Maybe he's trying the No Fap challenge and failing? Maybe he's more addicted to porn than he'd like to admit, and it is affecting his sexuality. The reason people take up the No Fap challenge is to combat depression, lethargy, and sexual dysfunction caused by too much porn. Be gentle with him, as he is clearly having issues . . . but he is probably deceiving you in some sort of way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WoodwindWhistler Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 Oh, and erections are, in general, governed by feelings of security. Whether that is a relaxed/peaceful type of security, or actively/ energetically feeling as if they are in control of a situation, the good feeling is required to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system. If anger really is his primary emotional state, that CAN interfere with sexuality. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AmbassadorSquid Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I would agree with many of the above comments in that he is likely deceiving you in some way. The fact that he has cheated multiple times before demonstrates that he would not be averse to lying, and that he was "caught" watching porn implies that there is a barrier of communication between you two, that he feels the need to hide things from you. I don't know the situation, and I don't know your husband, but it could very well be due to the stress of work. Or, if all his time is occupied... are you sure you know what he's doing during that time? The ideal way of going about this would involve not getting angry at each other. Do your best to communicate and understand - it is likely he does not want to share something with you because he thinks it will make you mad. If you don't get mad, he might open up. (and granted, you may have a very legitimate reason to be angry, but don't blow up on him, or he won't trust you enough to be honest.) Stay calm and be careful. I hope things turn out well. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snow in the background Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 On 1/24/2019 at 1:21 PM, ryn2 said: If he’s not able to experience emotions besides anger and stress, that could certainly interfere with his libido/sex drive (and therefore put a stop to both partnered sex and masturbation). Has he tried addressing this (the narrowed, unpleasant emotional range) in counseling? If he’s generally unhappy and unable to feel things like joy and love that’s going to sharply limit his ability to participate in a relationship in any way... From what I've read this seems like the best option to be considered. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 @Sadwife1 A belated welcome to AVEN! I don't know if he's Asexual or not. In either case, though, I think he needs to work through his issues, possibly through counselling. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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