Gone Boy Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 I am married and have been for awhile. I thought there was something wrong with me because I just wasn't as into sex as my partner is. Only to recently discover that there is such a thing as being ASexual. Go figure. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Hi @Foo Dog, I’ve been married 30 years, will be 31 in August, and I only had my lightbulb asexual moment in the last half of last year, around the time I joined this Forum (around October I think). Suddenly everything made sense and answered a lot of questions. If you’re interested, you’ll find my story on this thread: Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 1 minute ago, sh1965 said: Hi @Foo Dog, I’ve been married 30 years, will be 31 in August, and I only had my lightbulb asexual moment in the last half of last year, around the time I joined this Forum. Suddenly everything made sense and answered a lot of questions. Hi sh1965. If you don't mind me asking are you guys still having sex because we gave up five years ago and haven't had since. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Just now, Foo Dog said: Hi sh1965. If you don't mind me asking are you guys still having sex because we gave up five years ago and haven't had since. We’ve never had sex. I added a link to my story on a thread titled ‘53 and I think I’m asexual’ into my post above. Here it is again: Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 sh1965 you will have to excuse me I'm blonde and new to the group still figuring my way around🤣 Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Hi Foo Dog, I've been married for 20 years, but we've been together for 28 years in total. I only just figured out I am Ace too. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 4 minutes ago, Foo Dog said: sh1965 you will have to excuse me I'm blonde and new to the group still figuring my way around🤣 I’ve been on since October and I’m still figuring my way around... Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 Just now, CustardCream said: Hi Foo Dog, I've been married for 20 years, but we've been together for 28 years in total. I only just figured out I am Ace too. Hi CustardCream. have you told your partner and what did they have to say about it? It's a sensitive topic for us so i don't dare broach the subject. Although it does answer a lot of our problems around sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsexual Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 I've been married 19 years. Sex was always difficult with us, I just wasn't all that into it. I don't think I was really asexual then, but as our relationship became very toxic I became increasingly repulsed by sex/female interaction until I recently admitted, to myself and her, that I no longer wanted sex/romance with any real people at all anymore. We have had a difficult time over the years, and are now heading towards a divorce over the next few years when finally our family and financial situations will allow us to separate, though we intend to stay in each other's lives. I intend to live alone for the rest of my life, and am quite looking forward to that Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 39 minutes ago, Foo Dog said: Hi CustardCream. have you told your partner and what did they have to say about it? It's a sensitive topic for us so i don't dare broach the subject. Although it does answer a lot of our problems around sex. Hi Foo Dog, I only told my partner on New Years Day. He's still processing. He says he understands but I know it hurt him deeply. He says he no longer sees a future with me. I hope we can work through it. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 I haven’t told my wife. We don’t talk about sex, or our lack of sex, so I don’t see what good it would do. We both seem to have made peace with our sexless marriage in our own way and are happy, arguably the happiest we’ve ever been, so I don’t see anything to gain by mentioning it. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 As the partner of someone who is near-asexual, my advice is: talk to them. They are probably as unhappy as you have been, and may be "blaming" themselves for your lack of interest. Try to find some way to make things work. Sex is vitally important to the happiness of sexual people. Lack of a good sex life is like living under a cloud all of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 1 hour ago, sh1965 said: I haven’t told my wife. We don’t talk about sex, or our lack of sex, so I don’t see what good it would do. We both seem to have made peace with our sexless marriage in our own way and are happy, arguably the happiest we’ve ever been, so I don’t see anything to gain by mentioning it. Don't be too surprised when she announces she's leaving then. Preventing that is what you have to gain by mentioning it. I'd put a substantial amount of money on her not having made peace with never having sex again. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Don't be too surprised when she announces she's leaving then. Preventing that is what you have to gain by mentioning it. I'd put a substantial amount of money on her not having made peace with never having sex again. I thought this poster said they’d never had sex period... so after 31 years it seems the partner has somehow made peace with that, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 2 hours ago, CustardCream said: Hi Foo Dog, I only told my partner on New Years Day. He's still processing. He says he understands but I know it hurt him deeply. He says he no longer sees a future with me. I hope we can work through it. CustardCream. I am so sorry to hear that. I also hope for your sake that you can work it out. Divorce is never nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 2 hours ago, Dreamsexual said: I've been married 19 years. Sex was always difficult with us, I just wasn't all that into it. I don't think I was really asexual then, but as our relationship became very toxic I became increasingly repulsed by sex/female interaction until I recently admitted, to myself and her, that I no longer wanted sex/romance with any real people at all anymore. We have had a difficult time over the years, and are now heading towards a divorce over the next few years when finally our family and financial situations will allow us to separate, though we intend to stay in each other's lives. I intend to live alone for the rest of my life, and am quite looking forward to that Hi Dreamsexual. it sounds like you have been through a lot. Sorry to hear that you will be divorcing but it sounds as if you will happier though. I still am romantically involved with my partner and do not see us breaking up even though there is no sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 2 hours ago, sh1965 said: I haven’t told my wife. We don’t talk about sex, or our lack of sex, so I don’t see what good it would do. We both seem to have made peace with our sexless marriage in our own way and are happy, arguably the happiest we’ve ever been, so I don’t see anything to gain by mentioning it. Hi sh1965. It sounds like you are one of the lucky ones where it has worked out for both of you. I hope it works out the same for us as well. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 52 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Don't be too surprised when she announces she's leaving then. Preventing that is what you have to gain by mentioning it. I'd put a substantial amount of money on her not having made peace with never having sex again. After 30 years of marriage, having known my wife even longer than that, I think I know her better than you @Telecaster68 I didn't come to the decision not to tell her lightly but she is very happy and it feels like the right thing to do. Why rake up the past when she's happy? Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 12 minutes ago, Foo Dog said: Hi sh1965. It sounds like you are one of the lucky ones where it has worked out for both of you. I hope it works out the same for us as well. Yes, @Foo Dog. I think you are right. Good luck 🍀 and best wishes to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 My story is fairly similar to sh1965’s - both parties a bit atypical in some way sexually (potentially ace, potentially just atypical), no productive discussion ever - except that we hit our mid-40’s a long time apart (because we have a large age difference). When my (former) partner got to that point, he did not change his mind about divorcing based on my opinion like sh1965 did (based on his wife’s opinion). So, we are getting divorced. I still don’t know if I’m ace, or if he is (or both, or neither). Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 13 minutes ago, sh1965 said: she's happy Sure about that? Or maybe she's just accepted it, which is far from the same thing. Or - and I don't say this to be an arse, but because it might easily be true - she's happy because she's getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. You might be right, and she's undoubtedly worked out you're not in the least interested in sex even if she doesn't have a word for it. The issue hasn't gone away, and she hasn't noticed, just because you don't want to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 24 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Sure about that? Or maybe she's just accepted it, which is far from the same thing. Or - and I don't say this to be an arse, but because it might easily be true - she's happy because she's getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. You might be right, and she's undoubtedly worked out you're not in the least interested in sex even if she doesn't have a word for it. The issue hasn't gone away, and she hasn't noticed, just because you don't want to talk about it. Let’s leave it there, shall we, so we don’t hijack @Foo Dog’s thread any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 On this note, this is not the place to judge anyone's marital habits. If people wants thoughts and advice fine, but please remember the "judgement of others clause in ToS Skycaptain moderator Older Asexuals Link to post Share on other sites
starweb Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Married a long time, 12 hours ago, Foo Dog said: I am married and have been for awhile. I thought there was something wrong with me because I just wasn't as into sex as my partner is. Only to recently discover that there is such a thing as being ASexual. Go figure. Same story. I even managed to have three kids...always knew something was off but only recently discovered what it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 16 hours ago, sh1965 said: Yes, @Foo Dog. I think you are right. Good luck 🍀 and best wishes to you both. Thanks, sh1965. All the best for you guys as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 8 hours ago, starweb said: Married a long time, Same story. I even managed to have three kids...always knew something was off but only recently discovered what it was. Hi, starweb. There seems to be a number of us who are married and have only recently come to the conclusion that we are ASexual. I just hope our relationships stand the test. I believe with love there is always a way. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 25 minutes ago, Foo Dog said: I believe with love there is always a way. Sadly that's not always the case. But without communication, there's never a way. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsexual Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Sadly that's not always the case Sad but true Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering..." Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 1 minute ago, Foo Dog said: Nothing others do is because of you. Good luck living with that as a principle. Link to post Share on other sites
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