Jump to content

Rejecting someone


Trapped Soul

Recommended Posts

At work a month or so ago this guy introduces himself to me (he’ll be known as C)  and it was pretty obvious he had a thing for me. I didn’t really have the courage to straight up tell him I wasn’t interested so I kinda let him hang around sometimes at work but I kept my distance at the same time. I work in a warehouse and in a different area from him so I don’t see him often unless he decides to pass by my area or at lunch the same time as me. One day as I was working in my area he and his coworker came up to me and started chatting. There, he admitted that he gets nervous around me and can’t really talk right and stuff, confessing his crush on me, the whole enchilada. As he was getting all of this out i just stood there trying to remain calm, looking around and sometimes exchanging glances with his coworker cause she could tell we were both feeling pretty awkward in this situation. In the end he told me he wished he could find some time/talk somehow to get to know me more. Well I was pretty much put on the spot of either rejecting him in front of his own coworker or to agree to what he asked me. I was trying to find a good way to avoid giving him my number and hanging out outside of work so, instead, told him he was always welcome to sit with my friends and I at lunch. He seemed pretty content about it and left.

So he’s been sitting with my group and i every Monday for a few weeks now. I work a different shift from them and Monday is the only day we can all see each other. After lunch one day he walked with me to my area and on the way there I finally decided to let him know that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and didn’t want him to think that I was sending mixed signals. He supposedly said he understood and wanted to only get to know me as friends so he continued sitting with us at lunch. Well I guess this change to the lunch group didn’t go over too well with one of my friends, I’ll call him L. So L has his good and bad qualities. Bad being that he has no filter in his words and will let it all out especially if it’s something he doesn’t agree with. 

Yesterday after lunch I was keeping busy in my work when I hear someone in a forklift pull up behind me and call out my name. I didn’t know who it was until I turned around when I heard my name and saw it was C. What he told me sounded pretty random and out of the blue but he said “Soul, Jesus loves you but i think you’re a c*nt”. Immediately after that comment he drove off and left me standing there processing what the crap just happened. I was going back and forth between thinking nothing of it and also wondering why he said that because that was the first time he said something so vulgar towards me when he’s been nice and easy-going before. I mentioned what happened to my supervisor for future reference if C ever does something like this again so we can take action against him. It wasn’t until later as I was wrapping up to leave that my other friend who sits with me, S, showed up asking me if I was ok. S told me that some time ago that same day, before my incident with C, that C barged into the room S and some people were in and went off on a tantrum yelling about how my friends and I didn’t want him sitting with us and left, slamming the door behind him. Turns out that L admitted to a friend of this guy that we all didn’t like him sitting with us because he didn’t fit in at all and has been tolerating C all this time without speaking to S and I about it. C’s friend said he would tell C and let him down easy but I guess it wasn’t a good explanation because C took it as a huge rejection from me and got mad that we didn’t want him joining us at lunch anymore (even though that wasn’t the case with S and I). The friend also mentioned he knew about C’s massive crush on me and hearing the news broke him even though I already told him I wasn’t interested. After hearing this, C goes off on a tantrum that S said was indescribable because he was just so full of rage, grabs a forklift, and heads straight for me to tell me that comment before taking off. 

S left work before me and was walking out with C’s friend and it was there that the friend told him that after C’s tantrum he went right for me (which had already happened at that point). S turned right back around because after seeing how C behaved he was afraid C legit did something to harm me. S stayed right by my side the whole time I was getting ready to leave and walked me out to my car to make sure C wasn’t lurking around waiting for me and thank goodness that wasn’t the case.

Well that’s how my rollercoaster of a day went yesterday at work. It makes me wish I could go back and straight up reject C if it meant avoiding the mess that happened. I’m not good with being direct with people so I’m always working my way around trying not to offend anyone for fear of conflict. 

My question to those who stuck around to read until the end is have you ever had a negative experience with someone not taking kindly to being put down on taking an interest in you? What did you do to handle it from getting out of control? 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't had such an experience, but after thinking about your situation, I hope you don't blame yourself for this jerk's reaction.  It wasn't your responsibility to exert the control that he couldn't over himself.  This can be a learning experience as far as figuring out some phrase(s) to use to let people down speedily, but again, this was NOT your fault.  And him pretty much chasing you with a forklift is appalling.  Please tell your supervisor  abou that; that was a threatening dangerous move and he deserves to be at least spoken to, if not disciplined.   

Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎1‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 3:44 AM, Trapped Soul said:

Well I was pretty much put on the spot of either rejecting him in front of his own coworker or to agree to what he asked me. I was trying to find a good way to avoid giving him my number and hanging out outside of work so, instead, told him he was always welcome to sit with my friends and I at lunch. He seemed pretty content about it and left.

.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

That seems an over-reaction to me.

 

Your workplace sounds like a toxic environment.  I would try and get a better job.

 

It was hardly an overreaction -- the guy came after her on a forklift and called her a nasty name.

 

The guy is toxic; that doesn't  mean the workplace environment is toxic.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎1‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 8:01 AM, Sally said:

the guy came after her on a forklift

.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it is better to turn people down directly, I have tried to avoid hurting feelings before but it doesn't work out. Still, I didn't experience anything quite that dramatic...
Of course, some people actually see being turned down as a challenge, but that is a whole different can of worms...

Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎1‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 8:13 AM, StomachGod said:

I think it is better to turn people down directly,

.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

I agree.  Polite and sympathetic, but direct and clear.

For sure! No point being rude about it or you will only be causing your own problems.

Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

I didn't pick up on that.  He tried to hit her in the forklift!?  That's a 'call the police' moment, no question - in which case this was a huge under-reaction!

 

It only takes 1 contaminant to make an environment poisonous, but it seemed (to me) that multiple people acted incorrectly here.

 

Edit: on reflection, I think I have been too hard and direct here.  I apologise for that.  Maybe something in this story prompted an over-reaction on my part?  I don't know. 

I didn't say he tried to hit her with the forklift.   She said he got on the forklift and headed for her, yelled at her, and then drove off on the forklift.   What makes a workplace environment poisonous is how management acts after something occurs, not just one person.  The other people didn't do anything intentional against her, only him.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
Neutral Charge

I am ussualy honest and tell them i dont feel that way, its dificult for the other person as well, honesty is important on helping them not go insane with feelings they cant control.

i also notice that not hanging out and not interacting can calm the other person crush..as in distance

i try to be considerate but honest just as i would want someone i would have a crush on to be with me,  you cant force the feeling of i like you, if its not there its not there, i think people get that mostly...maybe

Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎1‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 8:30 AM, Sally said:

I didn't say he tried to hit her with the forklift.   She said he got on the forklift and headed for her, yelled at her, and then drove off on the forklift.   

.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's up to the OP what the experience felt like -- and how she responds to it.  I've been in a hell of a lot  of workplaces and sooner or later someone does something bad to someone else, because we're all human.  But they need to be told by management that what they did is not appropriate for a workplace.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎1‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 9:13 AM, Sally said:

I think it's up to the OP what the experience felt like -- and how she responds to it.

.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

Sorry, I was misled by the term 'went after her'.  It seems, then, all he did was 'go up' to someone (in a forklift, which seems irrelevant) and insult them.  In which case he's a bad person, but I think reporting him an over-reaction.

the point is that he got into a forklift to intimidate her, to make himself seem bigger, this was an extreme reaction to have and the way this was handled was definitely an under reaction

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

Insulting people like that is not appropriate anywhere, and known by everyone.  But it didn't seem 'bad enough', to me, as a singular and first offence with a background context, to get him put on some sort of official record that will serious hinder his career prospects. 

I did not report him but simply mentioned it to my supervisor so that if this guy continues doing this then my supervisor will know that C has done this to me before and I’ll have to write a report to stop it. Being continuously harassed at work doesn’t seem like something I want to tolerate. 

 

As I said in my original post, I did eventually tell him the truth of me not being interested so he knows that this will go nowhere for him and he said he respected that. Yes, I know I should have said this from the very beginning but now I know for future confrontations for sure.

Also, to add more to my story, I recently heard from my friend, S, that C’s friend revealed to him that the way C felt towards me were borderline obsessive. Apparently C had already built up some fantasy idea of us together, our future, etc when he hasn’t even scratched the surface of knowing me even close. His friend wanted to give him a reality check by letting him down with what L said. Hearing that gave me a wake up call that I need to start being more direct (and yes, polite) with what I have to say so they don’t start getting their hopes up and leave me alone. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎1‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 11:25 PM, Tanoshii said:

he point is that he got into a forklift to intimidate her, to make himself seem bigger

.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

Totally agree.  If he did anything again then I would escalate things on the second time.  But this was a first offence, so to speak, and with a certain context.  As such I wouldn't have said anything to anyone (reputation matters).  You, of course, had the right to report him, it's just I would have acted differently, and I think you should have to.  We can just disagree on this.

 

I don't think you've gotten the point that this isn't about what you would have done or not have done.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎1‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 8:59 AM, Sally said:

I don't think you've gotten the point that this isn't about what you would have done or not have done.

.

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

Totally agree.  If he did anything again then I would escalate things on the second time.  But this was a first offence, so to speak, and with a certain context.  As such I wouldn't have said anything to anyone (reputation matters).  You, of course, had the right to report him, it's just I would have acted differently, and I think you should have to.  We can just disagree on this.

I understand where you’re coming from. This is the first time something like this has happened to me while at work and didn’t know how else to handle it so I thought it would have been best to be safe than sorry. Thanks for giving your input though! 😄

As for why he told his friend all this I have no clue. They must be best buddies or something 

Link to post
Share on other sites
knittinghistorian

I had a best friend who wanted to be my boyfriend.  As I'm aromantic, that was not an option (though I didn't have the term then; I mainly just thought something was wrong with me).  I tried to fall in love with him and couldn't, I continued to hang out with him even though there was nothing romantic there, it kind of dragged out.  In retrospect, just telling him that I wasn't and wouldn't be interested would probably have been less traumatic.

 

He took it relatively well, didn't threaten me or stalk me or call me a c**t or anything.  I'm so sorry that happened to you!  However, he apparently thought the problem was me being frigid or excessively picky or just a jerk (which honestly wasn't too surprising, as I also thought I was the problem; aromantic visibility is a big deal!).  When we did hang out, he was increasingly nasty and bitter and evidently thought I was playing games with him.  Which I wasn't; he was my best friend!!  But finally we just quit contacting each other.

 

All that to say, as much as it hurt (which I'm glad won't be such a problem for you, as C isn't your best friend, I assume), I think now that it would have been better for everyone if I just told him straight out that a romantic relationship was never going to happen, and I wanted to continue to be his friend, but if he couldn't do that, then we should go our separate ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...