Had a conversation with an old friend

[RoseGoesToYale]

I've been trying to reach out to old friends. Some of it has been good (I'm meeting a few for ice skating on Saturday), others not so much. I had a conversation yesterday with one friend that inevitably strayed to relationships, that ended rather not well. I've been brooding all day and I've actually gone back to bed three times because I didn't want to be awake and I got absolutely nothing done today and I feel awful. I'm probably overreacting, I don't know why it upset me this much, but it did.

 

I came out to this person as ace last time I saw them which was a couple years ago, and they sounded like they understood it and were supportive. They even used the word "ace", so I thought ok, we're good here. First, this keeps happening. I make a point to tell people I'm asexual, they ask maybe a question or two that I answer, and they seem to get it, only to come back a few months or so later to find they didn't get it at all and it's like I don't even exist. My ex-roommate even once said "OK, nobody knows what that is..." It feels like no matter how many times or how loud I shout, people will still never get it. Even if they do get it and think I'm a disgusting freak, it's still something.

 

So this person forgot, naturally, but it was the way they phrased it. They said they forgot when last we saw each other that I identified that way. Did they think it was just a phase? Sure, for some it is, but generally when people make a point to come out, they want to be taken seriously. I'm terrible at reading tone and emotion over digital media, so I can't be 100% sure of how they meant it, but it came off as condescending. Like I'm a naive child who hasn't just grown up and done it already. Irony is, they're younger than me...

 

But what really got me was how they themself described asexual relationships as lacking in intimacy. They went on to make it sound like asexuals aren't capable of love at all. I guess that's what got to me... for the first time I felt like not wanting sex made me broken. Deep down I know I'm not, but it still stings. It also bothers me that so many people think sex is literally the only form of intimacy that exists for humans... there are so many different ways, sex just happens to be one of those ways. Besides that, there are plenty of situations where sex isn't intimate at all. It all depends on the individuals.

 

So yeah, I need to stop brooding and do the dishes. And maybe turn some lights on. I think I just have accept it, but sometimes it just hurts to feel invisible.

[Guest]

I'm sorry about your friend... 😢

 

I, for one, don't think that you're broken. I know the feeling, tho. I also know what it's like to feel invisible... 😟

 

I find it kind of hard to explain my aceness to others. It's like it doesn't even quite register with them. Considering how unknown it still is, I can't say that I'm suprised. Hopefully things will get better and easier as awareness spreads. That's my hope, anyways. 🙂

[argar]

Hmm,

 

I don't know your friend at all, or how your relationship works, but I think I can surmise a few things.

 

Some people don't really view the world in complicated overtones.

 

For them the world is a simple place with simple rules.

 

Boys like girls, and vice versa, and then they date, and then eventually marriage and kids.

 

That is they way it has always worked and there is no reason to examine it any further.

 

So, when someone comes around with a different perspective on things, they must be broken.

 

Because it is easier for you to be broken, than to take any time in examine the established dynamic.

 

I am not criticizing  anyone that chooses to live their life like that, heck most of my friends do, but I have chosen to live my life by my terms as well.

 

I think your friend might fall into this camp.

 

I am sorry she didn't take the time to actually consider where you are coming form, but that is her issue, I do sympathize with the way she hurt you though.

 

I think it is admirable you are living your life your way, even though it probably isn't easy at times.

 

I hope some of the above helped.

 

(Incidentally I liked the dog hugging photo.)

 

[andreas1033]

I would not even try in the real world, to explain being asexual.

 

If people want to understand what asexual is, they can come to places like this and read, or what ever.

 

In real life, your always going to face hostilities, as everyone believes they know everything, and will not accept you know yourself, more then they know you.

 

Everyone believes they know what is socalled normal.

 

In every group, there will be all sorts, so like in asexuals, there will be all sorts. There never will be any definition that can define a group of people, as people are not a set of robots.

 

So who ever your friends are op, maybe they read something about asexuals or something, and jump to conclusions, that everyone must be like that exact stereotype, they have in there head, of what they are assuming an asexual is.

 

Its like broad brushing, everyone whom is gay, or heterosexual. You cannot. There will always be subdivisions within every set of people.

 

For me, i would bother in real world, trying to convince people it exists. Your free to do so if you choose, but for me, everyone has a brain, that thinks they know everything, and they know what can be normal. When in reality they know nothing of the kind.

[Karst]

It's not your fault.  *pats your shoulder*

[Guest]

You aren't broken, this hell we call society is broken. The bad thing is only the good ones who take a little time to reflect and act with integrity are considered broken from the point of view of a seriously f**ked social order. So do them dishes and turn on them lights but always hold your head high and be proud of who you are. Integrity is about all that matters in this world and don't let anyone, even a "friend" take that from you. 

[Sparky9738]

Oof, I’m sorry that happened to you. I would also come home and curl up in bed while not doing dishes. 

 

I think it’s totally logical for you to feel hurt and blindsided. What is the point of coming out if people don’t get it? And can you trust a “positive” coming out if it disappears over time?

 

It’s BS and you don’t deserve it. As others have said, society is messed up, and people’s assumptions are hard to break. About the only upside of being is so different in this one way, is that you have wisdom and perspective that others don’t. Of course, perhaps that’s not that comforting, and it certainly doesn’t wash those dishes for you. 😕

 

Hugs. 

[Telecaster68]

On 1/15/2019 at 10:18 PM, RoseGoesToYale said:

they themself described asexual relationships as lacking in intimacy

Sometimes people use 'intimacy' as a euphemism for 'sex' (which is pretty problematical really and not just for asexuals, but it is a fairly common usage). Do you think she might've meant it like that - in other words merely that asexual relationships lack sex? They don't, always, obviously, but if two asexuals were in relationship, it would be pretty likely to lack sex.

[Ceebs]

On 1/15/2019 at 5:18 PM, RoseGoesToYale said:

It also bothers me that so many people think sex is literally the only form of intimacy that exists for humans...

I don't think I've ever met anyone who thinks that. Not people with healthy and balanced attitudes towards relationships, anyway. I'm in a long-distance relationship and share various types of intimacy with my partner every day. A portion of that is sexual in nature even if it's not technically physically interacting as it is in person, but a lot of it has nothing to do with sex whatsoever. We'd be totally screwed for any sort of genuine closeness and connection if the only way to achieve that was sex. Why the hell would we bother? We could just both find someone nearby and get laid whenever we wanted. Non-sexual intimacy is not exclusive to asexuals and I really do not know any other sexual people who believe that sex is the be-all and end-all of cultivating intimacy. I'd go as far as to say that if all you're doing is fucking, you're not truly being intimate.