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Why do some aces dress provocatively/in revealing clothes if they don't want that kind of attention?


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Winged Whisperer
16 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I've seen people who specifically mention wanting to look "sexy" even if they absolutely don't want sex, and I simply don't get that.

Getting the conclusion of "I want sex" from "I want to be sexy" is a non-sequitur and is a leap in logic actually. Someone can want to be sexy without wanting sex. The only way you can know if someone doesn't want sex is if they don't want it.

 

I'm a man, so social norms on male sexiness differ a lot from female ones which are a lot more straightforward and varied. There really isn't any "provocative" male sexy look. Maybe like wearing a buttoned shirt and having the top button open? I don't like that but I digress. I want to look good, the way I want to. For me that's mostly summarized in my hair, ideally I'd want long hair, but even with my shorter hair I'd try to make it look as "sexy" as I can. I also like wearing long overcoats in colder weather to get that broody, shy intellectual aesthetic. It's mostly about having love for different archetypes and aesthetics in mind and trying to conform to them which has got nothing to do with wanting to jump someone's bones. I'll even go one step further, I don't even see a conflict if someone wants to be sexually desired by and attractive to others when they don't want sex. If someone tells me I'm attractive or even better, sexually attractive, I get goosebumps, not because I think "Yay, I can do it with someone!", but because it gives me a very rare boost of self-esteem when I hear that. We can dissect why psychologically and anthropologically speaking this boost of self-esteem happens and where it comes from, but that's a topic for another day.

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I like tight jeans/leggins because it makes me feel feminine. As other people already have said. What other people think says more about them it do about me.

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3 hours ago, Serran said:

I like to occasionally wear nice clothes. To me, thats leggings and a short skirt. Or a nice dress. Or sometimes a more goth / steampunk look. Sometimes it involves a corset. 

 

None of that is for other people. It is because I like the look. I prefer people not notice, but they do because its a nice look. But, Im not going to walk around in a potato sack just cause I dislike attention.

 

Most the time im in sweats and a tshirt, or work clothes. 

 

I have lingerie when I want to look sexy for my spouse. Only person i want to find me sexy.

 

so dont see why aces cant just think it looks nice and want to wear it

Some of this may have to do with what is meant by "provocative" clothing.  I think if it as clothing that specifically / intentionally displays the body in a way designed to be sexually attractive.  Very short shorts / skirts,  low cut shirts that reveal a lot of cleavage.  Various slits / cuts that provide a peek-a-boo effect.   Other people may be thinking of more generally attractive clothing that enhances the general female shape but which isn't directly provocative.   

 

It may also be that some people who themselves don't feel sexual attraction also don't have a good idea of what sorts of things or overtly sexual as opposed to just nice-looking. 

 

Someones comment on there not being provocative male clothing is interesting. I can't really think of anything either. 

 

Your comment on lingerie makes sense to me. What I don't understand is why my wive wears very provocative lingerie around the house when she is not interested in sexual activity.   I think she appreciates the attention she gets, and (as a near-asexual) doesn't recognize that its also extremely frustrating. Maybe its that she used to wear provocative clothing around the house when she did want sex - discovered my positive reaction to it, and now wants that reaction even when she doesn't want sex. 

 

 

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25 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Your comment on lingerie makes sense to me. What I don't understand is why my wive wears very provocative lingerie around the house when she is not interested in sexual activity.   I think she appreciates the attention she gets, and (as a near-asexual) doesn't recognize that its also extremely frustrating. Maybe its that she used to wear provocative clothing around the house when she did want sex - discovered my positive reaction to it, and now wants that reaction even when she doesn't want sex. 

I guess subconsciously she likes teasing and getting the reaction? Or she doesn't understand your frustration? Even if she were sexual, she should be understanding. Like when a partner says "don't touch my shoulder sexually when I am calling a coworker" the spouse usually complies. 

 

Personally, I wear nice clothes to get compliments from my peers, aka other females and they have said stuff like "hot, sexy, cute" when I have worn them. I don't understand what exactly they mean by hot and sexy, but its a compliment and an approval, so I will take it :P 

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My question really is - How the hell do some girls manage to wear such revealing clothes when it's absolutely freezing outside ?? 😮😮Just saw a couple of such girls at the supermarket today. 

 

Anyways,to answer OP, my guess is they just do it because everyone else is doing it. Simply following what seems to be the norm. 

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Winged Whisperer
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

 

Your comment on lingerie makes sense to me. What I don't understand is why my wive wears very provocative lingerie around the house when she is not interested in sexual activity.   I think she appreciates the attention she gets, and (as a near-asexual) doesn't recognize that its also extremely frustrating. Maybe its that she used to wear provocative clothing around the house when she did want sex - discovered my positive reaction to it, and now wants that reaction even when she doesn't want sex. 

I think the explanation you gave is the most plausible one. But yeah, desiring attention, even sexual attention, is different than wanting sex-the-act.

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Alejandrogynous

I know the OP is well-meaning but this question grosses me out the same way guys who assume women only dress up for them gross me out. I dress how I dress because I like it, and because being asexual doesn't make me blind. 

 

Should I also not decorate my house because, "nobody's coming over so what's the point?"

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Life With Masks

People dress that way because they personally feel good that way, to get attention, because they're being pressured or because everyone is doing it and they don't want to be left out, or because it's hot temperature or something. I don't care.

 

 

I dress discreetly and casual, but not too norm-variant, even in situations that called for brifier clothing. I've been told that I just don't seem to care. No, I do care, or else I'd just go out wearning pajamas, best clothing choice in my opinion. Why is it I dress the way I do? Because it makes me feel good, comfortable and I hate attention.

 

 

The question is that wearing less clothing related to showing that I want sexual activity? I don't think it's related in most cases.

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If I want to dress sexy its not for others but for myself and my confidence. There is also nothing wrong with people wanting to turn heads. Just because you wear revealing clothes does not make it provocative. That is just used to get rapists off like the whole thing in Ireland with the poor girls underwear. I mean women cannot go without a bra without someone saying they are bringing it on themselves to be harassed. I mean have you worn a bra in the heat it is like hell and gross a majority of times for me. 

 

It is a persons confidence and they love it and embrace it. It is self love. If it is used to gain someone attention then it is nothing negative you are just using your confidence to gain their attention because that is how one feels dressed how they want to be. Confident. 

 

Only provocative clothing is the ones that spread hate. 

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21 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Beats the hell out of me too.  It's one thing if it's for personal comfort, but I've seen people who specifically mention wanting to look "sexy" even if they absolutely don't want sex, and I simply don't get that.

I like feeling attractive, but I don't want to do anything with anyone who might be attracted to me. Sexy clothes look nice, so I like some of them. I don't generally go out wearing any, but I show people who I know share my taste so we can all appreciate the good look, lol.

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7 hours ago, uhtred said:

Some of this may have to do with what is meant by "provocative" clothing.  I think if it as clothing that specifically / intentionally displays the body in a way designed to be sexually attractive.  

Well. Corsets do that and so do knee high boots. But, I wear them cause I like the look. I love vamp and goth styles, slit up the leg dressy gowns, shoulder cut outs, peasant blouses that come off the shoulder... I think they are gorgeous. Im not wanting hit on though, I hate that its a sad byproduct of wearing clothes I think look nice. 

 

 

7 hours ago, uhtred said:

 

Your comment on lingerie makes sense to me. What I don't understand is why my wive wears very provocative lingerie around the house when she is not interested in sexual activity.   I think she appreciates the attention she gets, and (as a near-asexual) doesn't recognize that its also extremely frustrating. Maybe its that she used to wear provocative clothing around the house when she did want sex - discovered my positive reaction to it, and now wants that reaction even when she doesn't want sex. 

 

 

She might enjoy the teasing but not the actual sex, so hopes teasing fulfills some of your desires ? I personally love teasing my wife... and she likes teasing me. But since you two have a sexual mismatch, its an issue.. whereas we dont so if one of us wants to just lay around wearing something sexy but nothing happens its fine and fun. She could enjoy that part, but not the rest ?

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On 1/15/2019 at 10:32 PM, Ceebs. said:

Someone dressing a certain way doesn't mean they want to get laid. Just like not dressing that way doesn't mean they don't.

That. It also works the other way round - one might dress up to achieve something, but you'll still have people who won't notice or care... and you can not dress up and still attract attention.

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I feel like no matter what people shouldn't assume that a person's personal style reflects their sexuality or personality ~ that's where stereotypes come from. 

 

If I wear a checked shirt and boots and love cats don't assume I'm a lesbian ~ I'm not and not all lesbians like to dress that way and not all lesbians even like cats where does that even come from?! 😂 

 

If I wear a hoodie and joggers don't assume I'm a drug dealer ~ I'm not and not all drug dealers dress this way.

 

If I wear a sassy looking dress and heels don't assume I'm heterosexual ~ I'm not, not all heterosexuals like to dress this way. 

 

It depends on who you are as an individual, don't judge people by the way they like to dress, it's not right 

 

*** Just want to correct myself ever so slightly, obviously personal style is going to reflect personality hahaha duh doy what was I thinking... I was meaning in the - if a person's good/bad/nice/nasty/trustworthy type way 😬 personality was the wrong word to use but ya can't assume a person's any of those things based on the way they dress either *** 

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13 hours ago, Wolfe said:

I feel like no matter what people shouldn't assume that a person's personal style reflects their sexuality or personality ~ that's where stereotypes come from. 

 

If I wear a checked shirt and boots and love cats don't assume I'm a lesbian ~ I'm not and not all lesbians like to dress that way and not all lesbians even like cats where does that even come from?! 😂 

 

If I wear a hoodie and joggers don't assume I'm a drug dealer ~ I'm not and not all drug dealers dress this way.

 

If I wear a sassy looking dress and heels don't assume I'm heterosexual ~ I'm not, not all heterosexuals like to dress this way. 

 

It depends on who you are as an individual, don't judge people by the way they like to dress, it's not right 

 

*** Just want to correct myself ever so slightly, obviously personal style is going to reflect personality hahaha duh doy what was I thinking... I was meaning in the - if a person's good/bad/nice/nasty/trustworthy type way 😬 personality was the wrong word to use but ya can't assume a person's any of those things based on the way they dress either *** 

I think is tricky.

 

Clothing choices are not something we are born with, they are a choice, and can be viewed as a form of speech.  I think speech *should* be free, and safe from any harassment, threat etc - but I also think it is OK to judge someone based on their speech. 

 

In the extreme case, if someone wears a T-shirt that has some political statement, I feel free assuming that they support that statement (unless they are clearly so poor that it might be a 2nd hand shirt).   Religious items are similar - if I see a prominent cross, I'll assume the wearer is Christian - unless other clothing suggests a more Goth sort of idea.  Similar for a Sikh head covering.  

 

Clothing without text is of course less obvious, but isn't it OK to come to some conclusions about someone based on the clothes that they wear?

 

To be clear, I strongly believe that choice of clothing never justified harassment - but I think it can indicate something about a person's interests. 

 

 

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Heuristics.

 

We learn shortcut rules that are worth having because most of the time they're mostly right, and that's why people assume someone dressed sexily wants sexual attention, because, mostly they do. I'm primarily talking about in clubs and bars and parties obviously.

 

So it's reasonable to start from an assumption that it could well be the case, but then be open to drop that assumption when it's clear they're not. After all, we all make the assumption that someone in a police uniform is a police officer, so to make 'don't judge people by what they're wearing' an absolute is ludicrous. We just have to figure out how the grey area works.

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Winged Whisperer
25 minutes ago, uhtred said:

 

Clothing choices are not something we are born with, they are a choice, and can be viewed as a form of speech.  I think speech *should* be free, and safe from any harassment, threat etc - but I also think it is OK to judge someone based on their speech.  

That's the textbook definition of prejudice.

 

25 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Clothing without text is of course less obvious, but isn't it OK to come to some conclusions about someone based on the clothes that they wear? 

If someone looks gorgeous they don't want sex. That's an unjustified conclusion.

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3 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

That's the textbook definition of prejudice.

 

If someone looks gorgeous they don't want sex. That's an unjustified conclusion.

It's not based on them looking gorgeous, it's based on them choosing to wear clothes people generally wear if they're out looking to attract sexual interest.

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

if someone wears a T-shirt that has some political statement, I feel free assuming that they support that statement

Of course if they paste "I am trying to be sexy for sexual attention" in clear writing on their clothes ~ assume they want it buuuut still perhaps ask them first 😂

 

1 hour ago, uhtred said:

isn't it OK to come to some conclusions about someone based on the clothes that they wear?

Well yes my point was more don't judge people based on stereotypes, @Telecaster68 mentioned about judging police officers by the way they look, clearly.. CLEARLY.. That would be ok that's what the uniforms are for I suppose it all comes down to common sense in the end, stop poking holes people! 

 

59 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

We learn shortcut rules that are worth having because most of the time they're mostly right, and that's why people assume someone dressed sexily wants sexual attention, because, mostly they do.

Completely true, society has learned to assume based on the social norm over the years but now that we're in an age where people can truly be themselves (mostly) without judgement or rude assumptions e.g - transgender people can just be themselves, homosexual people can be themselves, bisexual people can just be themselves etc etc without people assuming or judging or rediculing, they're just doing them and in today's society that's great

 

So perhaps now most of the world has got this new understanding/open mind it's time to also bin stereotypes and just see people being people? 

 

59 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

we all make the assumption that someone in a police uniform is a police officer, so to make 'don't judge people by what they're wearing' an absolute is ludicrous.

This is definitely taking my "don't judge people by what they're wearing" statement too literally ~ wouldn't it have been safe to ASSUME I meant within reason ;)

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.... within reason being the room for manoeuvre I was talking about. 

 

I don't think stereotypes will ever disappear. They work too well, to much of the time. 

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On 1/16/2019 at 11:53 AM, lazypanda said:

My question really is - How the hell do some girls manage to wear such revealing clothes when it's absolutely freezing outside ?? 😮😮Just saw a couple of such girls at the supermarket today. 

 

 

1

That would be my question. I would be tempted to tell them to put some clothes on, not because I'm offended by seeing skin, but seeing people wearing hardly anything in freezing weather makes me feel colder!

 

I don't care about attention one way or the other, and I look for affirmation through avenues apart from my looks. Tell me I'm pretty, I'll brush it off. I don't care. I try not to look sloppy but its not a priority for me. Tell me I'm a halfway decent writer and you've made my day. 


However, people seek validation in all sorts of ways, and if dressing a certain way and the reactions they get is what works for them, I have no problem with it.  Just don't go tempting frostbite!

 

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1 hour ago, Winged Whisperer said:

That's the textbook definition of prejudice.

 

If someone looks gorgeous they don't want sex. That's an unjustified conclusion.

I'm talking about how someone chooses to dress, not how they look.  So I make no assumptions based on someones natural appearance. 

 

I see prejudice as assuming things about a person based on things that they do not control: race, gender, orientation, etc.  I don't see it a prejudice to judge someone on their behavior - and choice of clothing sees to me to be a behavior. 

 

Clothing and appearance choices makes statements.  Consider a leopard fur coat.  Or a shaved head and swastika tattoos. A business suit. Jeans, tall boots and a cowboy hat. Or leather with decorative chains. Of camouflage fatigues 

 

There is a lot of clothing that I consider to be neutral - clothing worn because it is comfortable or inexpensive.  But if someone wears clothing that appears designed to make a statement, why shouldn't I listen to that statement that someone is making about themselves. 

 

 

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35 minutes ago, Wolfe said:

still perhaps ask them first

Are you really suggesting explicitly going up to someone wearing skimpy clothing in a club and asking them if they dress that way because they enjoy sexual attention?

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15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Are you really suggesting explicitly going up to someone wearing skimpy clothing in a club and asking them if they dress that way because they enjoy sexual attention?

Errrm well only if you want to make a sexual advance... It's just polite isn't it? Don't pounce on them and start doing sexual things. 

 

Chivalry is still a thing 

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There's room between pouncing and asking explicitly if they're dressed like that to get sexual attention. The latter could actually seem insulting.

 

Better to strike up a conversation, try flirting a bit, and see if they flirted back. 

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11 minutes ago, Wolfe said:

Errrm well only if you want to make a sexual advance... It's just polite isn't it? Don't pounce on them and start doing sexual things. 

 

Chivalry is still a thing 

I don't think (or at least hope!), no one here is suggesting that its OK to just grab someone who is wearing revealing clothing.   At least I was only suggesting that it was an indication that the might be open to a polite (non - harassing) introduction. 

 

I think its also worth being aware that just as there are official "uniforms", there are unofficial uniforms.  Is some locations, some types of dress will cause reasonable people to assume that you are a sex worker. 

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On 1/16/2019 at 8:25 AM, Winged Whisperer said:

Getting the conclusion of "I want sex" from "I want to be sexy" is a non-sequitur and is a leap in logic actually. Someone can want to be sexy without wanting sex.

I know that they do, but I cannot understand why.  People get some sense of strange satisfaction out of it that is completely foreign to me.

 

On 1/16/2019 at 12:19 PM, Alejandrogynous said:

Should I also not decorate my house because, "nobody's coming over so what's the point?"

Same thing with this.  I am one of the people thinking, indeed, what's the point if no one else will see?

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12 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I am one of the people thinking, indeed, what's the point if no one else will see?

The point is the person themself seeing it. I often put up a tree for Christmas because I want to, regardless of the unlikelihood of anyone else seeing it. :) 

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Clothing doesn't do anything when it comes to attracting unwanted attention, in my experience. I am not going to bother measuring the lenght of my skirts to check whether they'd be considered "provocative", or would they need a few more inches.

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It really doesn't matter whether I dress in a "sexy" way or not. Just being female is too sexy even if I'm essentially dressed as the Michelin man because it's that cold. Regardless of my clothing, hairdo, makeup etc people approach me or they don't. There is no correlation with looks. It is about location more than looks. If I avoid harassment hot spots, suddenly I'm fine. 

When it's not too cold I wear a skirt. Skirts are much more comfortable than pants. It usually ends above the knees as I have found that to be a flattering length for me. Sure, it is also kind of short, but I really enjoy looking like I have legs. Sometimes I wear a shirt that shows the tiniest bit of cleavage. Never much though, I'm not super comfortable presenting boobies and lots of cleavage means lots of bread crumbs in my bra. I wear makeup sometimes. Usually when there's a special occasion or I just want to feel special that day. Strong lipstick does wonders to one's ego. Also it makes it easier for others to read from lips so if the environment is noisy or there's someone with poor hearing, that's not a bad idea. Nothing sexual about it even though strong red lipstick is kind of a pin-up girl look. Actually I like to take back my previous statement. No one has approached me sexually with that look. Maybe it's just too scary? I feel very powerful in it. 

All in all, sometimes I just want to enjoy my body and like to feel powerful, even if it's just because of strong red lipstick.

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Winged Whisperer
2 hours ago, uhtred said:

I see prejudice as assuming things about a person based on things that they do not control: race, gender, orientation, etc.  I don't see it a prejudice to judge someone on their behavior - and choice of clothing sees to me to be a behavior. 

Google's definition of prejudice: " preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience"

Synonyms: preconceived idea, preconception, preconceived notion; prejudgement

 

That fits to a tee. It's not about things out of one's control or born with. You are holding belief about people, without actual reason to hold them. Heuristics and biases exist to help people make decisions and make judgements faster, but when judging people it's better to hold the benefit of doubt.

 

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

I know that they do, but I cannot understand why

But the burden of proof in this case is on you to link these two concepts together. If you don't have a reason to believe that "I want to be sexy"  leads to "I want sex", then don't look at it in that way.

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