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Visiting the gynecologist


JessPlaysChess

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JessPlaysChess

I am 19 and I've never visited one. I'm also not planning to. In fact, this is a big struggle for me and I am really afraid. There is not anything more embarassing than the imagination of having to sit down naked on the chair and have someone put their hands down there! It almost seems traumatic even, it's literally the last thing I'd wanna do. (There already are some bad memories with doctors and ex-partners which I don't even dare thinking about as I'm so ashamed, and I don't think I'll be able to ever get them out of my head.) Have my breasts checked is just as big of a struggle for me by the way. Apart from that, them having insert anything or feel with their hands "from inside" (which apparently they do for cancer checks etc) seems pretty much impossible and painful as I am a virgin and I can barely use mini tampons (which are the only things that go in and out down there and I've needed 5 years until I even dared using them).

 

Until now, there was no necessity to visit a gynecologist (since contraception isn't anything I have to worry about and I'm healthy too) and I'm just here, hoping that there will just never be such a necessity. My mother tried to make me go several times since I'm 15, telling me they wouldn't do anything the first time, but I always denied it, already considering that the next time would then be the time to do something. I am aware I can ask for a woman, that they won't hurt me (or well, as little as possible), that they are "used to it" etc. - all this doesn't make it better for me.

 

I do think that this is linked to my asexuality. Of course I can't prove it since I only know my own feelings, but I feel like my fear to go there is bigger than thus of "sexual people". I mean I'd never show my genitals to anyone, not even to someone I love (in fact, especially not to them!), so how would I to a stranger? It appears to me that sexual people's threshold must be lower in general, so probably it's not as bad for them as it is for me?

 

Does anyone experience the same problem and do you think that at some point, it becomes absolutely unavoidable to visit a genecologist? I know that it's recommended to go there for cancer prevention... I recently got a vaccination for cervical cancer, does that relativize anything? Can you even get infected with cervial cancer if you don't have sex? To be honest, I think couldn't come over my shame and fear even if it was to assure my health in this aspect 😕 When was the first time you went to a gynecologist and what are experiences you made (especially as an asexual and/or virgin)?

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Visiting the gynecologist can be scary and uncomfortable for any woman, not just an asexual one. Sadly, it's something that really needs to be done.

 

Wellness checkups and the occasional pap smear (after 21) are important. There's no getting around that. Just like going to the regular doctor or to the dentist, these are things that will help prevent things before they become a big traumatic problem.

 

I was asexual and a virgin the first time I went to the gynecologist. I think I was 19 or 20. I was a little nervous, but a good gyno will listen to you if you let them know you're afraid it will hurt. Tell them you're very tight and to please be careful.

 

It wasn't so bad, honestly. It was uncomfortable, sure, both mentally and physically, but it was over so quick. The whole check-up took like five minutes, with barely 30 seconds of actual "penetration." They had me lie on my back for it (rather than sit in a chair), which helps you open up and prevents you from staring directly at the goings-on.

 

The thing is, what's working against you is your own anxiety. Any manner of people can tell you it's fine, but if you hear from just one person who had a bad experience, or if you just let your imagination run wild, you will talk yourself out of it. And that is your prerogative. But I would recommend you go even if you're nervous. Your wellness is important.

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I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Asexual Musings and Rantings'.

 

MichaelTannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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The vaccine is for specific types of HPV which in turn could cause cervical cancer. There are other strains as well and the vaccine does not protect you from those. 
As for the cervical cancer screening, whether you need to go depends pretty much on whether you become sexually active or not. If you don't have sex then your likelihood of getting any kind of HPV is very low. If you're a virgin and your intimate region keep working as usual, you don't need to go. Ever. Or so my doctor told me. I was also very worried about this.

 

I personally don't think it is necessary to visit a gynecologist either. Again, if everything seems fine and you're not having sex, you're probably fine. If something is wrong, try going without your mom and telling you're scared and don't want to do anything involving your intimate region. It is your right to do so. 

Having this much fear and anxiety over this isn't healthy though. If and when you are ready to let go of it, try seeking out a sexual therapist. They can help you get over the fear and maybe you will be able to do these things one day. 

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My doctor told me that new guidelines are to only give pelvic exams if the patient is sexually active. I'm 38, have never had sex, and my doctor is fine with not doing the exam. (When I first started seeing her a decade ago, I agreed to a pap smear because I'd never had one, but she couldn't complete it because it hurt so much, and hasn't pressed me on it since). She just warned me to be on the lookout for any signs of change or pain, signs of ovarian cancer, etc. 

 

I would work to find a doctor you like, and if you need to have a pelvic exam, maybe see the doctor a couple of times to up your level of comfort and trust before going through with the exam. I don't think anyone's actually entirely comfortable with it, sexual or not. 

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everywhere and nowhere

I'm intensely nudity-averse and I would rather die than have this kind of examination. I have a right to refuse. It's time to accept that for some women it's "just umcomfortable" and for some it's mortally terrifying. Everyone has a right to refuse as long as they are ready to accept potential adverse consequences. But still - it's better to care for one's health than not to care - BUT SELF-CARE CAN NEVER BE A DUTY.

 

An interesting comment I've found on the Polish asexuality forum: come on, do people really do prophylactic check-ups with all the other doctors, such as neurologist, cardiologist, gastrologist? I really doubt it. So why are only women being TERRORISED with an extremely intimately invasive examination? It's almost as if women were systematically being taught that they have no right to intimacy. But I'm gonna fight for this right, my body is my sole property and I will not be seen naked by anyone in the whole world.

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9 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

do people really do prophylactic check-ups with all the other doctors, such as neurologist, cardiologist, gastrologist?

I can’t speak for Poland as I live in the US but, yes, if you have any risk factors or have had even a minor problem you do have prophylactic annual checks with your cardiologist, neurologist, dermatologist, urologist, etc.

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everywhere and nowhere
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

I can’t speak for Poland as I live in the US but, yes, if you have any risk factors or have had even a minor problem you do have prophylactic annual checks with your cardiologist, neurologist, dermatologist, urologist, etc.

Well, but the real question is: do people actually do it? Particularly those who tell women that they must force themselves to terrifying things.

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For whatever its worth, I have an appointment with a cardiologist in a few months. Every single person in my immediate family has either had a heart attack or a heart incident. I haven't so far, and if I can prevent it, I will.

 

But I admit mine is a special case.  Everybody in the family is also diabetic...and heart problems go along with that.

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3 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Well, but the real question is: do people actually do it? Particularly those who tell women that they must force themselves to terrifying things.

Actually go to their prophylactic visits?  Yes, many people do.  Some people aren’t terrified; others are but think it’s worth it to lower their risk.

 

Some people don’t think it’s worth it, and that’s fine, but it’s not like gynecology is out of line with other specialties or well care.

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On 1/15/2019 at 2:03 PM, JessPlaysChess said:

There is not anything more embarassing than the imagination of having to sit down naked on the chair and have someone put their hands down there! It almost seems traumatic even,

I agree with you, Ive never visited a gyno either. See, if you don´t want to go, nobody can force you to it. Just make sure there are not any worrying signs of anything. 

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Even if you dont get the pelvic, which they cant do unless you consent, going to get blood work and basic screenings occasionally, discuss any potential issues, etc is generally a good idea. Gynos do more than just stick things in your vagina. Hormone imbalances can lead to increased risks of cancer, heart disease etc. You can get UTIs or yeast infections without being sexually active and its easier to just call your known doctor for that than have to go searching when it happens. Period issues can arise also and its good to make a baseline with the doctor before an issue. 

 

You can just say you arent sexually active and never have been and at your age, they shouldnt push a pelvic since you arent even recommended to have the cancer screenings until older. 

 

But, mammograms and such when you get older are important, since breast cancer has nothing to do with sex. 

 

And you dont sit anywhere naked. They leave the room and let you get into a gown. Then you have your gown and a blanket over you for as much privacy as possible. The pelvics are done with a small plastic hollow tube and sometimes a q-tip depending on what they need samples of. The size they use for virgins is small, sort of like a tampon. 

 

Its uncomfortable for most people. No one likes a stranger going near there. 

 

And mammograms are so hated women complain and put them off. No one enjoys having their boobs squashed into a machine, it hurts and its uncomfortable. 

 

We do the exams cause it is important for health, just like any checkup. Just like those AMAB suffer through prostate checks and occasional penis exams. 

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I think I will eventually have to find a gynecologist. My mother had ovarian cancer, and I know I'm at risk for ovarian and breast cancer.

 

That being said, my first attempt to visit a gyno was so traumatic that I can only imagine going back under the influence of heavy anti-anxiety medication or something. I was 23, and made the mistake of booking an appointment with a local male gyno because my family doctor recommended it due to my family history. I had also wanted to get a Nexplanon implant. 

 

Upon learning I was a virgin, the gyno not only insulted my intelligence and invalidated my asexuality, but refused to speak to me about birth control or give me a pelvic exam because it would "ruin me for my future husband." Cue me walking out of the office, bawling my eyes out.

 

So, yes. I guess if I ever have unusual pelvic pain or anything unusual, I'll go. Until then, I don't even want to think about it.

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I saw a gyno when I was 14..it was traumatic for me, but an essential part in diagnosing me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The only thing is my mom didn't tell me it was coming, I went in not knowing what kind of doctor I was seeing.  However I really should be going to a gyno again but I haven't worked up the courage to yet..

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2 hours ago, The Cupcake said:

Upon learning I was a virgin, the gyno not only insulted my intelligence and invalidated my asexuality, but refused to speak to me about birth control or give me a pelvic exam because it would "ruin me for my future husband." Cue me walking out of the office, bawling my eyes out.

Unprofessional and unacceptable. A filed complaint would be in order. 😠

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8 hours ago, katinthehat said:

Unprofessional and unacceptable. A filed complaint would be in order. 😠

Yeah. Unfortunately, I was so flustered at the time that I didn't even think about it. At this point, it's been a few years.

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words are futile devices

I'm in the military, and I'm deploying for the first time in a few weeks. Because of this, I had to get a Pap smear, which I just found out about and then proceeded to have done this afternoon. The gynecologist asked if I was sexually active; no. Asked the last time I had been; never. "Never?" "Never ever ever." She looked floored. It's probably rare to have a 27-year-old virgin in her exam room. She asked several probing questions, like if I was wanting to be a nun. I assured her it wasn't for religious reasons, I just simply had never been interested and didn't plan on ever doing it. Did she buy that? Probably not, but she accepted it well enough in the moment. Anyway, then the Pap happened. She warned me that it would be akin to resetting a broken bone - very comforting. 😖 And yeah, I can't sugarcoat it. It. was. horrible. I writhed and cried and whimpered the entire time. It made me feel so stupidly weak, but I couldn't help it. She forewent the pelvic exam just to spare me further torture. She also suggested that next time I have one done, to request to be sedated. That would probably help, but god I hope I don't have to do that again any time soon, or ever. 

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On 1/29/2019 at 8:39 PM, words are futile devices said:

 Anyway, then the Pap happened. She warned me that it would be akin to resetting a broken bone - very comforting. 😖 And yeah, I can't sugarcoat it. It. was. horrible. I writhed and cried and whimpered the entire time. It made me feel so stupidly weak, but I couldn't help it. 

Well described! I wish mine had warned me :(, instead I nearly kicked her in the face and never went back.

 

'Just a pinch' my a$$

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I haven't gone. Am still virgin, don't ever want to have sex, so I hope to never have to go. I think I was early twenties when I suddenly found out it was a thing. I knew about mammograms though... still haven't had one of those.

And yeah... I feel the same way. I just do not... want someone doing anything there ever. I dunno. Just. Nope. Blergh. I admittedly also am not fond of hospitals/health centers/whathaveyou. I've had a number of operations and was constantly sick in my younger years and having to get check ups and etc. and just. No thank you. Anxietyyy. And other stuff.
Also I'm not good with pain. (who is? but still)

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I got my first one when I was 21, because I had learned that this is the age all women should get one if they hadn't already. The practice I go to switched documenting systems, and my results were lost from that year. So I got a second one. I'm all about preventative/prophylactic measures (being a nurse- I preach this). When I was in middle school, my mom took me to the gyno to get all three Gardasil shots (which protect against the most common strains of HPV). I had no idea about my sexuality at this point in my life, so I just went with it. Having these shots and being a virgin, there is less than a 1% chance of me getting cervical cancer.

 

 I just got my second pelvic a month ago-- since they lost the results of the first one. I also had my breasts examined both times. I don't mind the breast exams-- as I do them daily on myself, but pelvic exams make me cringe and push away from my female nurse practioner when she is attempting to be as gentle as possible. 

 

I will continue to get my yearly check-up even though pelvic exams are excruciatingly uncomfortable for me and even though I have had the best vaccine against cervical cancer. Having early detection when it comes to breast and cervical cancer takes a greater precedence over me being uncomfortable for a few seconds. 

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everywhere and nowhere

I would rather die than let someone see and/or touch my extremely private parts. I just couldn't do it. It's not "discomfort" or "anxiety", it's INSURMOUNTABLE TERROR.

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46 minutes ago, kmarra said:

Having early detection when it comes to breast and cervical cancer takes a greater precedence over me being uncomfortable for a few seconds. 

This is my take on it as well, and - as someone with a healthcare background too - I know that the treatment for (especially more advanced forms of) what I might miss catching early by skipping my exam is much more painful, invasive, and embarrassing than the exam could ever be.

 

That said, I know other people feel differently and I do respect that.

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  • 4 weeks later...
JessPlaysChess
On 1/28/2019 at 6:19 AM, katinthehat said:

A filed complaint would be in order. 😠

I agree but these things often just cost you a lot of money and nerves and end up not leading to any good. Me and my family have made so many experiences with doctors giving false diagnosis, prescribing unsuitable medication and procedures that led up to allergic reactions, bodliy harm/pain and dangerous, even up to life-threatening situations which all could have been avoided. Nobody seems to control or care about these issues (at least not here).

 

On 1/30/2019 at 1:39 AM, words are futile devices said:

She looked floored. It's probably rare to have a 27-year-old virgin in her exam room. She asked several probing questions, like if I was wanting to be a nun. I assured her it wasn't for religious reasons, I just simply had never been interested and didn't plan on ever doing it. Did she buy that? Probably not

Isn't it absurd though that a gynecologist does apparently not know about asexuality? I feel like in that position, you should definitely know about it at least roughly.

 

On 1/30/2019 at 1:39 AM, words are futile devices said:

She warned me that it would be akin to resetting a broken bone - very comforting. 😖 And yeah, I can't sugarcoat it. It. was. horrible. I writhed and cried and whimpered the entire time. It made me feel so stupidly weak, but I couldn't help it.

Very comforting indeed!! Doesn't sound like I'm going any time soon... Also sedation is not an option for me.

 

On 2/2/2019 at 12:21 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

I would rather die than let someone see and/or touch my extremely private parts. I just couldn't do it. It's not "discomfort" or "anxiety", it's INSURMOUNTABLE TERROR.

Yea I feel you!!

 

Thanks very much for all your posts by the way, it's very good hearing about other people's feelings and opinions on this topic! Even if it didn't change my mind, as you'd probably have expected, my anxiety and shame are just too high for me to think rationally and make an appointment and go there! I'm young, healthy (as far as I can tell), I don't know about any hereditary diseases in my family ancestry and I donate blood so I know these values are okay. So I'll probably just hope and stay away from this place. A risk for me weighs higher here than the terror of having to do these check ups every year. These things are for me not just "go there - go home", they keep me stressed and unable to sleep for weeks or months when I know something of the sort has to be done in the future. (-> dentists!)

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