Mrkite Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 These are my girlfriends words TRIGGER WARNING*** OK. I need to talk with someone open minded that doesn't think they know what they're talking about but someone with similar experience. Bare with me.. Early child hood: To cut it short I was molested from the ages of 3-5 on and off by a kid that, to be honest, probably didn't know any better ( doesn't mean any less in my shoes. Just because he may have not known what he was doing doesn't mean it didn't happen to me. Also doesn't mean I blame him) within that time I learned that I was sexually turned on by women. . And soon after found interest in guys as well. 16 and 17 I lived with an uncle that took advantage me (turns out he had been raping his daughter at his own demand for the past 7 years. Now serving 34 years in prison) and constantly compared me to other women and downed me. During the time I met my first love that I was with until I was 20. He never showed sexual or any type of interest in me and when we did have sex it was by no means a concern of if I was satisfied.and never lasted longer than 2 minutes(ok not his fault).EVER. we broke up multiple times. When I was 20 I was raped by my "boyfriend" (didn't know why I was so mortified by the event until my therapist explained that it was rape) .. later I met my childs father, which is when I first started having issues with my labido. I always had to be almost black out drunk in order to have sex with him. (He also made sex feel like a chore, insisting on doing things that SERIOUSLY hurt.) Since then I've met my recent boy friend who has been ever so patient with me and understand. Well, my labido is starting to make things confusing. I haven't initiated anything in months, and have avoided as much as I can until the self guilt starts chiming in. For at least a year I haven't been able to find any sexual attraction in females or males. Dont get me wrong, I can tell if someone is attractive and really appreciate his/her body. But I haven't had ANY sexual desires toward a human in a long damn minute. When I masterbate I just think about how it feels to me. To get things straight, I will have sex. But I used it as a tool to really tap into someone whose soul and spirit I want to know. NEVER HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND or impulsive sex. I dont have sex with anyone I dont know. I did once and I've been in a relationship with him for almost a year now. And I've had sex with at most 13 people. My recent boyfriend is the only one who has repeatedly made sure I was taken care of first, and the only one I've had sex with and ive thoroughly enjoyed it at least once with no discomfort. But other than that one time I've never really initiated it, and the last few times I've had to prepare myself (all day mentally if I knew it was coming) we've tried everything at this point. Been through therapy about it. Endless googling. I'm honestly just confused at this point. Can trauma cause you to lean more for asexuality spectrum. The confusion became honestly real to me when I realized I didn't even get turned on by girls. Yeah, I can sit in a trance watching a beautiful woman dance, but I dont get turned on. I've tried directing the feeling towards my boyfriend when I feel like I need to masterbate and even tried fantasizing. If you've read this far you can pretty much gather... idk what I'm doing anymore and at this point, in THIS relationship.. I needa do everything I can but I dont wanna make myself suffer anymore uncomfortable moments for anyone... Sorry about the length and all the triggers...I'm desperate at this point and dont know where to turn. Thanks to anyone who stuck through and has any info/advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Trauma can make it hard to be comfortable with sex and also make it difficult to desire. So it can be hard to unpack what is trauma and what is natural. I dont know if it really matters though. What matters is how to have your relationship where you are both comfortable. Personally, I have found the only way I can enjoy it is if there is no pressure to do it. My partner has to be perfectly happy either way. I do think previous trauma may play into my desires being so picky and hard to activate. I have had my body taken by so many people, any hint of it being obligation ends up just completely shutting down my interest to the point I thought I was ace until 30, since even normal desire (wanting sex and being unhappy if its not a thing) can put enough pressure to cause a shut off. Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 This is really far above our paygrade, I'm afraid. I don't want to give you poor advice in this difficult situation. I will say that yes, sexual trauma can frequently cause issues with sex later in life, and that doesn't mean you're inherently asexual, as asexuality is something you're born with. However, you could have been asexual from the get-go, and all the trauma has made it difficult to tell where your feelings lie. I am glad you have been through therapy about it, and I hope you are still going. If it did not/does not seem to help, you may not be compatible with your therapist and should seek out another one. I'm sorry you have to go through this. If nothing else, even if you're not asexual, you are welcome to stay here and talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Ldlelee Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 The thread "Confused and need help" has been merged with this one because they were ongoing discussions of the same topic. The OP has been informed. Gareki Moderator for Asexual Relationships Link to post Share on other sites
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