Asexual Me and Sexual Partner

[MediumSoup]

Hi! I am a medium soup, and here is my story.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year, and we love each other very much. He is very sexual, and he is very enthusiastic about making me "feel good", which I appreciate. He is not selfish in that way at all.

The thing is that I think I am asexual, and I have a very low sex drive. I love him, but am not sexually attracted to him. I dislike sex at best, and absolutely hate it at worst (with everyone, not just him). He's very respectful of my distaste for sex and has never forced me into it. But because of his... strong sexuality, I tend to feel bad about making him go long periods of time between sex because of how much he feels it connects us emotionally (or, how much it connecte him to me).

I've cut my antidepressant use in half (as they sometimes lessen sex drive) and am going to counseling later this month to see what else I can learn. 

On top of that, nobody I know is asexual so nobody around me really understands how I feel, so I have nobody to fully confide in. I'm just not sure what to do because being asexual and having a low sex drive makes me *happy*. I'm totally fine with how I am, and I honestly have really taken it on as a big part of my identity. 

 

So I guess, to sum up, I'm just sort of frustrated about my situation. Neither I nor my boyfriend is "right" or "wrong" - we're just very different. I'm not sure where to go from here. Has anybody else been in this situation? What do you guys think?

 

Thanks,

One confused soup

[nanogretchen4]

Have you told your boyfriend that you are asexual? It's unclear, because it sounds like he is enthusiastically wasting his time trying to make you feel good when actually you dislike sex no matter what he tries to do. But then you also say he respects your distaste for sex. But also you still have sex with him. Is he still trying to please you sexually when the only way to please you would be to not have sex? Does he understand that this supposed emotional connection he thinks he is having through sex with you is totally one sided and thus not a connection in any meaningful sense? If you have come out to him I'm pretty sure you haven't been clear and blunt enough to make him understand. The biggest problem is probably the fact that you are still having unwanted sex with him. Compromise sex really clouds the minds of sexual partners in mixed relationships and encourages them to make choices that are not in their own best interests. If you announce that you have never wanted sex with him and never will, and that you are never going to do it again, I think comprehension will begin to soak in. 

[MediumSoup]

Yeah, I've told him before that I don't like sex and that I might be asexual. It's basically just me giving in every once in a while and him thanking me. 

[starting over]

 I won’t go into a lot of detail because I just don’t have it in me at the moment but please be very careful about your relationship and be TRULY honest with yourself and with your partner. I was the same way as you only I did not know what an asexual was and so I kept “giving in“ as society expected and my husband pushed… (he is also very sexual and very talented in those ways… it’s just not a talent that I want used on me but he could never understand that).  Fast forward well over 20 years and I cry myself to sleep most nights and think of divorce all the time… I consider myself a very good person and even my husband can only find the one “real” flaw in me (so he says) ... that flaw is that I do not want sex with him or anyone. Now that I have learned what I am and have accepted it and have grown up in age and maturity, I am no longer going to allow myself to be manipulated and used where I am left feeling  dirty and disgusted with myself… Please be very careful about the relationship you’re in… Make your own choices but be very aware of expectations that will not likely change.  If I could go back in time… I would want to know I was an asexual as soon as possible, way before marriage for sure. Please do not take that gift lightly as you have been given a huge gift a lot of us older  asexual’s did not get. A lot of us pay a heavy price for not having had that knowledge. Good luck. 

[Amelou]

Until very recently I have been in a very similar situation to yours and had very similar feelings about it. For us, in the end, it didn't work out. He was never really able to accept that I was happy and at peace with the asexual label, while I wasn't able to give in anymore. We dragged the relationship out for longer than I think was good for both of us, because we were in love and wanted to make it work. But in the end, I was unhappy and felt extremely pressured into sex and guilty for not being able to, while he was frustrated, angry that I didn't want to/ could not compromise and sad. Those feelings ended up destroying much of the other really good and positive stuff in our relationship. So my advice would be similar to what was already said. Listen very carefully to yourself and how you feel in the relationship and have lots of talks with your boyfriend, where you clearly explain your side. Has your boyfriend ever said how he would feel about never having sex with you again? Because I think that it is really important for him to understand that that is the baseline in your case, everything else is just you being very compromising. I know that that is difficult to talk about but I was always too vague in describing asexuality and added to many "But I'm not sure yet"s which let to him just not understanding what I meant.