Maintaining a Relationship When Asexual

[Aeoren]

I'm new here so hoping someone can help me with some answers please!   I've been sure I'm asexual since I was about 16 and it's something I've always discussed with my friends but as I was still young I didn't know whether it was a fact or just a bit of apprehension surrounding sex in general. I'm now 21 and in a relatively long-term relationship with someone who I care for very deeply but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to explain my feelings to him without causing him hurt. I don't find the idea of sex repulsive by any means, but it's just never been something I'm concerned with and could easily live without. I value the other aspects of a relationship more and they are what I consider to be the most important elements. 

 

The problems have arisen as I've grown more comfortable with my S/O and as such I haven't felt the need to initiate sex, as I always used to out of worry he would grow bored of me or think I just wasn't "putting out" or whatever. He brought the issue up with me, unsure of the reason why I hadn't wanted to sleep with him, and so I tried to explain everything as best as I could with limited knowledge. It just ended up with him convinced that I didn't want to have sex with him specifically. I don't know how to explain that I just don't want to have sex with anyone, and that if I could create such desire I'd want it to be for him. He's said he's okay with it and doesn't want to force me into doing anything I don't want. So now when I do initiate something because I want to do something for his happiness, he stops things immediately because he feels I'm "only doing it to please him" (which is true), but is that a bad thing?

 

Is anyone else in/has been the same situation, and how did you come to a resolution as I just feel like I'm going round in circles.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I haven't been in that situation because, in my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

 

It sounds like you've done your best to explain.

I'd suggest showing him this short book about Asexuality that is free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[Telecaster68]

Have a look at some of the threads in the Partners, Friends and Allies section - there are quite a few sexual partners (or ex sexual partners) there.

 

But the TLDR is:

 

He's going to have to come to terms with you having sex with him not because you desire him but because you want him to feel loved. It's a whole different thing for sexuals, and will take some time and communication, and also just time for him to get used to it.  You're doing your bit by having sex you'd just as rather not have, so it's pretty much equal. 

 

Almost all sexual partners go through the stage he is - of feeling that he's basically getting something between pity sex and rape. Again, communication and time is the only shot at getting through it.

 

It's great you guys feel able to work on it, and communicate, and it's also okay if it doesn't pan out in the end. Better to stay friends who move on to other relationships where each of your needs is being met, than stick in a relationship that doesn't meet either of your needs and get depressed and resentful. 

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Asexual Relationships'.

 

MichaelTannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[anisotrophic]

Yeah. What @Telecaster68 said. that was a great tldr.

 

I think charity sex is pretty great now. And when I feel monstrous, he assures me that I am not a monster. But damn, I absolutely hit a wall and it was @Telecaster68 who said, at the time: this is pretty common. (Sometime last spring?) Anyway... I got determined to get past it. My jerk therapist helped, too (she was great in part because she wasn't going to let me have my private pity party go unchallenged).