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Online love

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CJN

Nothing here.

Edited by CJN
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ryn2

I’m sorry, @CJN.  That sounds very painful and difficult.

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MrDane

Yes, OP! It is possible to have an online relationship. Removing the “irl” is a good way to play around with your identity, jazz stuff up, tone stuff down, which would be harder to do otherwise. Trouble is, that the ‘online you’ can have a great, fun, serious relationship with ‘online other’ and if the illusion is never broken, then great. But what if you meet the dream partner, and most was just a lie? Upside is that you dont have to cope with all that silly stuff that bugs people, like if I chew loudly, fart, dance in a stupid way, really gets easily offended, wants sex a lot...

 

 

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E

@CJN

 

Spoiler

You do don't you? Mine's substantially different. But the premise is the same. I'm hazy on the years I knew her. But I know that now it's 2019 it's been eight years since. She had difficulties, undiagnosed nor treated. She committed suicide and I was the one to find her first. She was the first person I ever connected with on such a level so acutely.

 

I say I've made strides as of late in letting it go, but I think it's not the case. I've made strides in accepting that it wasn't my fault. I've made strides in accepting that she's gone. And yet it's still in my head every single day. It's like sediment sitting in a shallow pool. One little ripple, and all of it gets stirred to the surface again, right there, this repeating moment, this repeating pain over and over again.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to truly outrun it. I can try to move on. And lately a friend has helped me out immensely. But I doubt it's something even time can completely kill. Whenever I feel any pang of loneliness, I go back to a moment where for a brief time, I had everything in my life that I ever could have asked for, that I could settle and die with peacefully and with contentment. And it's all gone.

 

A lot of the time, I just stop and stare out and question what I'm doing with my life. Why am I trying to continue on in light of her absence? Why am I trying to live when the only thing I really lived for is gone? All other achievements, all other purpose seems and is almost completely hollow without her.

 

And although I've made strides in moving on, I still feel guilt. I ask, what if I do end up with somebody again? What does that make her then? Just a slideshow in my life? Was she really so significant to me if I could let her go and end up with somebody else if by some miracle I found another person like me who actually wanted me in their life?

 

I'm not sure if I can overcome that. Or if I want to, because I made an oath to her. I loved her. When I say those words to somebody, I'm not going to abandon them. And yet I have to face up to the reality that being alone is killing me slowly. I get worse and worse, year by year, inch by inch, the longer I go on.

 

So I guess I have to view it as survival then, because I'm still alive and here for a reason. I help my family. I try to help people around me. I can't do that if I let it kill me. And I think if she were alive today, she would accept that answer without jealousy, or without feeling hurt or pain, because she never wanted to see me hurt. And living with this, letting it eat me is hurting me.

 

If there is some form of afterlife, then she and I can discuss it there. But she knew better than anybody that you do what you have to in order to survive. So with time, and, maybe, by cosmic luck, I can get a gracious reroll from the universe. But I guess I'll have to be ready for it when or if it arrives.

 

It's not easy though. I slip sometimes.

 

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Human0id

I had met a girl through the internet.
We met in a fairly stupid way, not on a dating site, but on a chat application in which you draw a partner for a conversation :D
I turn on such applications during a break at work because I am bored. Sometimes it was really hard to find someone other than a troll, but I succeeded.
In the beginning, a simple conversation, a question about interest, etc.
The fact that we decided to meet irl was also totally spontaneous, we accidentally went over the province and it turned out that we live quite close to each other.
As two grown-up people, we did not wait long and went to meet irl. At that time I did not even think about the relationship with her, but when we talked well, we decided to have a dinner next week, where she admitted that she likes me so much and wants to be with me. I was shocked, said the same thing and then it started.
She moved to me after only 2 weeks of relationship.
During the time we lived together and it turned out that we have a really different worldview and we do not fit together.
It was not just an argument that destroyed our relationship, but we just both felt it was not what we were looking for and today I'm happy that it happened.

 

In conclusion, I want to say that you should not hurry with anything in an internet relationship, It's even better to talk a bit and video chat and make sure that you match each other before meeting irl.

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Jelle van der Lee

personally I have stopped believing in it.

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CBC
On 1/20/2019 at 3:02 PM, MrDane said:

Yes, OP! It is possible to have an online relationship. Removing the “irl” is a good way to play around with your identity, jazz stuff up, tone stuff down, which would be harder to do otherwise. Trouble is, that the ‘online you’ can have a great, fun, serious relationship with ‘online other’ and if the illusion is never broken, then great. But what if you meet the dream partner, and most was just a lie? Upside is that you dont have to cope with all that silly stuff that bugs people, like if I chew loudly, fart, dance in a stupid way, really gets easily offended, wants sex a lot...

 

 

That's basically role-playing though, not really a real relationship, so I don't see any upsides. Personally I strive to represent myself in online communication -- including with platonic friends -- entirely honestly. As authentically me as I can. Playing pretend and misrepresenting myself makes me uneasy and feels like a complete waste; I'm a grown-up who desires genuine connection and has realised I have a finite amount of time on this earth. If I want to play pretend perhaps I'll check out my local theatre company, but I'm not going to play with the real emotions and waste the valuable time of romantic interests (or friends).

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MrDane
On 4/9/2019 at 9:35 PM, CBC said:

That's basically role-playing though, not really a real relationship, so I don't see any upsides. Personally I strive to represent myself in online communication -- including with platonic friends -- entirely honestly. As authentically me as I can. Playing pretend and misrepresenting myself makes me uneasy and feels like a complete waste; I'm a grown-up who desires genuine connection and has realised I have a finite amount of time on this earth. If I want to play pretend perhaps I'll check out my local theatre company, but I'm not going to play with the real emotions and waste the valuable time of romantic interests (or friends).

Well, I’m also for the real relationship with contact in person-stuff and being honest (and even having the possibility to touch). But it is also a “relationship” (or a connection?) that you and I are having at the internet right now. Not a romantic one, but we share stuff and display sides of our person and perhaps wait with telling everything or just prioritize. 

...but we dont have to deal with eachothers shit. We can just continue the conversation as it fits. Like this; you said something and it took me a few days to answer. That would seriously bug me irl, if my wife forgot about me and then a few days later answered my question, with a “yes, I agree” and I probably had to make her remind me of my exact wording of the question. Odd, rigth!?

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ryn2
4 hours ago, MrDane said:

But it is also a “relationship” (or a connection?) that you and I are having at the internet righnow.

I don’t think think they were denying that online relationships can be real, just saying that this type in particular...

 

On 1/20/2019 at 3:02 PM, MrDane said:

Removing the “irl” is a good way to play around with your identity, jazz stuff up, tone stuff down, which would be harder to do otherwise. Trouble is, that the ‘online you’ can have a great, fun, serious relationship with ‘online other’ and if the illusion is never broken, then great.

...is role-playing.

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MrDane
On 4/12/2019 at 11:54 AM, ryn2 said:

I don’t think think they were denying that online relationships can be real, just saying that this type in particular...

 

...is role-playing.

Could be, yes! Could also be a way to shine a light on certain aspects of your “you” and not have to show/deal with the rest.

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Snao van der Cone

I've been holding this thought back for a while, but I think it's important for me to say:

 

When I read the title of this thread I read it like the intense part of the song "Radar Love". 

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ryn2
45 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Could be, yes! Could also be a way to shine a light on certain aspects of your “you” and not have to show/deal with the rest.

Agreed.  Not all online relationships fall into that category, though.  Just like people can be dishonest (or at least omit important information) in person, they can also be fully open and honest online.

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